Wedding Etiquette Forum

let's be honest

How many of you or your FIs asked your parents to contribute to your wedding? I know a lot of my friends think it's perfectly acceptable to demand their parents pay for their weddings. Not me. BUT, we (not to brag) are a lot more financially stable than a lot of our friends.

EDIT: I should have added an answer for your parents offering.
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Re: let's be honest

  • I didn't ask, and I don't wish I did, nor am I proud of not asking. My mother offered a certain amount out of nowhere, before I even got to a point where I might have considered asking. I wouldn't have asked, regardless.
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  • We never asked our folks for help, but they generously offered, and we graciously accepted.
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  • Well, gosh, I have pretty unique circumstances and it would have been pretty awful if I'd even considered it! 
  • WE didn't ask.  We did, however, receive a check from my in-laws with a note that they hoped it covered their share.  Sigh.

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  • cenglecengle member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    I'm pretty sure my H did bring the subject up with his parents, but I was not around for the conversation.  I don't actually know the order of the conversation, but I know they offered to pay for the per head cost of the reception once we told them how much we figured it would be.  My in-laws are extremely generous. 
  • kikibabykikibaby member
    5000 Comments
    edited July 2010
    We did not ask, but my parents offered.  They'd been saving money for it.

    ETA: But if they hadn't offered, I would not have asked.
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  • No.  My parents are deceased, and we wouldn't think of asking DH's parents for anything.  They didn't offer, and we weren't offended in any way.  We would have accepted graciously if they had offered anything, but they didn't.  I don't understand the sense of entitlement that makes people expect others to pay for anything in their lives.
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  • We went to my parents' house the day after we got engaged to tell them, and within 10 minutes of sitting down with them, my father and mother offered a substantial amount towards our wedding.  We were shocked.  My father always told me that he wouldn't be putting much towards either my or my sister's weddings, because as he put it, it's "a one-day party."  I had already told FI that we shouldn't expect anything from my parents, so I was pretty much blown away by their generous offer.  It did drastically impact our budget.  We were able to get the reception hall we wanted because of it; we wouldn't have been able to otherwise.

    FI's mother told us that she couldn't give us as much towards the wedding as she wanted to.  We hadn't expected anything from her so we were grateful for anything.  She has been more than generous; she paid for our STDs (we weren't going to have them, but she insisted that we should get them), our DJ, and our rehearsal dinner.
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  • I'd been told my whole life by my parents that they'd contribute, so when it came time, my mom was my co-planner, and we paid for stuff as it came up. If she didn't offer to pay for something, I paid for it. We probably came out about 50/50, with the exception of my dress, which my mom bought. My H's mom was hung up on "traditional" stuff, too, so she offered to cover the RD, the groom's cake, and my bouquet (IIRC).

  • I didn't ask. Right after we got engaged, my mom told me "Your dad and I are going to help tremendously." And didn't tell me how much they were willing to contribute for like 6 months. Then she told me later that my dad's company had taken out waaaaay too much in taxes and that they got a sizeable refund and that's where the wedding budget came from.
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  •  I know H's parents gave us money for the wedding.  Quite a large amount.  We tried to give it back to them, or otherwise tell them we didn't need it, but they were stubborn.  I felt terrible taking money from retiree's.  
  • We plan on asking if they'd like to contribuite, but if they don't it's not the end of the world either.
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  • I was 38 and did not expect anything from either set of parents.  If I had been 22, I probably would have asked for help.

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  • I didn't ask.  My mom told me that if I waited until after I graduated college to get married, that she would help me out with some things, like my dress and the flowers. 

    My mom called up my dad (they are divorced) and told him that she would appreciate it if he contributed to the wedding, even if it was just a little.  She felt when I was growing up that he didn't help out as much as he should've, both financially and father-wise.  He agreed and they apparently had a good chat about it, but it was still weird when he called me up and told me how much he was contributing since I knew my mom had talked to him about it.  I told him I didn't expect anything from him and that he didn't have to contribute anything, but he wouldn't take no.

    DH and I paid for the rest of the wedding and his parents didn't contribute.  They did give us a nice gift at the RD that we put into savings.
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  • Well before I got engaged I knew my parents would be offering us a lump sum of money, because that is what they did for all of my siblings.  Pretty much as soon as we got engaged, the first check was in the mail without any asking on my part.  We did not ask H's parents for anything.

    I honestly do not know what we would have done if my parents hadn't given us the money.  Actually, I am guessing we would have had something super small and casual, which is sort of what I wish we had done in the first place and saved the chunk of change from my parents!
  • lapcanlapcan member
    10 Comments
    My grandparents told me they would pay for everything a few days after he had proposed.  We planned on doing a destination wedding since we couldn't afford the whole shebang but my grandparents made it possible for my H and I to have a nice wedding with all our friends and family in attendance.

    By the way, I would have never asked them to pay for anything and it was a complete shock that they even offered.  :)
  • Both sets of parents offered early in the planning process.

    I would have asked them, however, after I saw their additions to the guest list.  What I would have asked for, would have been enough to cover their additions.

    My parents paid for my college... if they hadn't, my opinions may be slightly different.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lets-honest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5c8f66e6-c676-4e10-b631-516a2e2fd7adPost:85812374-7e5d-442d-8485-f34815c90987">Re: let's be honest</a>:
    [QUOTE]We plan on asking if they'd like to contribuite, but if they don't it's not the end of the world either.
    Posted by tonyscutieest09[/QUOTE]

    You know how rude that seriously is?
    You should wait and see if they offer. If they want to contribute, they will.
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  • I didn't ask, and I'm not overly proud or anything about it.  I never gave it much thought, really.  My parents offered as soon as I called them about the engagement (which they already knew, Nick asked my dad for permission)


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  • To clarify, my mom offered to help; I didn't ask. I'd planned to pay for everything myself (H and I).
  • In my family, it was decided before DH and I got engaged that both of my parents would contribute a small amount to my wedding (about 10% of the budget).  We're pretty open, though, and we live by "managed expectations."

    Do have to point out that I think there's a big difference in asking about something and asking for something.

    For example:

    "Hey mom, dad: we're starting to plan for this wedding, and we're starting to figure out the financial aspect of the process.  We want to ask you about that..."

    "Hey mom, dad: we're starting to plan for this wedding, and we wanted to ask you for some money."
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  • My mother retired last year in May and she always says that she wished that she could help out. I don't feel bad about it at all because my mom is a saint. She has bought everything that my son has ever needed for school (supplies uniforms, etc.) and he is now going to the 10th grade.

    She is going to put together an RD and she is going to keep the kids when we go on our honey moon. Who could ask for more?

    FH's dad is deceased and he has no contact with his mother.

    I actually am pretty proud of FH and myslef for pulling this off alone.  I think that when the wedding day is over, it will feel great to say "WE did it."

    Oh yeah, my aunt did buy Jordyn's dress.
    And the whole time, my future husband was in the room...... image image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lets-honest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5c8f66e6-c676-4e10-b631-516a2e2fd7adPost:e2cc5a2a-74ae-4242-9892-949a7ee58a78">Re: let's be honest</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: let's be honest : You know how rude that seriously is? You should wait and see if they offer. If they want to contribute, they will.
    Posted by pumpkinpumpkin[/QUOTE]
     
    Seriously?  You start a thread titled "Let's Be Honest" the girl is honest and you flame her?  I guess you were just hoping you'd get someone to say "yes I did ask".  WTF
  • I never asked, it was assumed that they would pay and that I help as much as I can.  I would say most people I know had their parents pay for their wedding.  I'm not saying that's how it should be, just how it is in an area where a lot of people get married young.  Maybe that's part of it.  I'm not sure.

    Andy's parents asked what was "expected" and we said that in my family's tradition the groom's family typically paid for x,y, and z.  They said ok.  That changed a bit but it was all fine.

    In the end we all (parents and us) paid for it.  If I was older and wiser I would have told my parents that I didn't want a big wedding and that I'd pay for the teeny tiny one I wanted.  But alas, I was young, stupid, and a wimp.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lets-honest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5c8f66e6-c676-4e10-b631-516a2e2fd7adPost:679955b6-2455-4e41-b584-c5d77e6f3cd3">Re: let's be honest</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: let's be honest :   Seriously?  You start a thread titled "Let's Be Honest" the girl is honest and you flame her?  I guess you were just hoping you'd get someone to say "yes I did ask".  WTF
    Posted by DaniAng11[/QUOTE]

    That was very mild flaming. It's not like this is FFF.

    myother1 - asking <em>about</em> and <em>for</em> are pretty much the same.
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  • We didn't ask, and they haven't offered.

    It bugs my mom to no end that dad hasn't offered anything, but I told her if she wants to talk to him about it, that's her perogative as one of the parents, and I told her I wanted to have nothing to do with it, that we're fine without any contributions.  And I gave dad a head's up that mom might call him and talk to him about it and that it wasn't my idea at all.

    FI's parents are in no condition to offer us money.
  • I put that we had asked, but I'm not really sure that is the case. I'm not sure weather they offered first or if Fi asked. But, I do know that when it came time to actually work on the budget, he did try to ask for an amount. They still haven't given one, and I told him not to push. All they have told us is that they will pay for the alcohol. But then when we were discussing bar options, they told us that if we go with a lower option then there would be extra money to help us out with other stuff, but if we went with the premium option that would take up just about everything they wanted to give us. But still never said what amount they were going to help out with. At this point we aren't really counting on their money. It would be nice to have since they keep adding extra guests, but we aren't counting on it.

  • My FI and I have not asked our parents for any money, however they have contributed. Like others, even if they did not openly contribute, we would not have asked.
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  • The second Scott proposed my parents told me not to worry and that they would cover the cost of the wedding as long as the budget was reasonable. We figured out what reasonable was and went from there. When we took my sil/mil to the venue site to show them my mil slid a check for about 1/3 of the cost. Neither one of us asked her to do so, but she was worried my parents were putting too much of their money into it and couldn't afford it (my parents live a very simple lifestyle but have a lot of savings).

    In the end it was split 3 ways. My parents covered the venue, cake, and fees. Sil/Mil covered the catering fee, hotel, and partial honeymoon. Dh and I covered attire, flowers, and the other half of the honeymoon.
  • Yes but it was still flaming. 
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