Fiance wants kids at wedding, and I don't

1classydame

I need some advice.  I am planning a wedding in another state and all of our guests will also be from out of state.  The problem is that I would like to have an adult reception (which I will word  as such on the invitation) and my fiance thinks kids should be there.  With an open bar, I don't think this is a good idea.  Also, I work 8 hours a day with kids and would at least like to have my one wedding day be a child free event.  I was really looking forward to having an adult reception when my fiance tells me that he's going to let his family bring all their kids (I've already told my friends with kids that it will be an adult reception!) and if they can't be at the wedding then that I should arrange babysitters and activities for them at the hotel we are booking rooms at!  If people have children that they can't find arrangements for, then I think that they should decline, and I shouldn't have to arrange babysitting for them on my own wedding day if they decide to bring their kids to an out of state wedding.  Has anyone else had to deal with this?

gurrlballa10

I didn't have to deal with the kids thing, because we only had four at our wedding, but don't put adult only on the invitation.  Just invite the adults you want and they'll get the hint.

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-wants-kids-at-wedding-and-i-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d4e9a44-a2fc-45fd-8f4d-5e2a906fdc62Post:92bcd69e-e4ef-4764-81cc-2937404ac26c">Fiance wants kids at wedding, and I don't</a>:
[QUOTE]I need some advice.  I am planning a wedding in another state and all of our guests will also be from out of state.  The problem is that I would like to have an adult reception <strong>(which I will word  as such on the invitation)</strong> and my fiance thinks kids should be there.  With an open bar, I don't think this is a good idea.  Also, I work 8 hours a day with kids and would at least like to have my one wedding day be a child free event.  I was really looking forward to having an adult reception when my fiance tells me that he's going to let his family bring all their kids (I've already told my friends with kids that it will be an adult reception!) and if they can't be at the wedding then that I should arrange babysitters and activities for them at the hotel we are booking rooms at!!!!  I'm really furious.  If people have children that they can't find arrangements for, then I think that they should decline, and I shouldn't have to arrange babysitting for them on my own wedding day if they decide to bring their kids to an out of state wedding.  I really feel like he is prioritizing his cousin's kids over my own feelings on our wedding day.    Has anyone else had to deal with this?
Posted by 1classydame[/QUOTE]

If you really want to be classy as your sn suggests, don't do that.  You do not need to find babysitters for other people's children, and most people probably wouldn't want you to.  The open bar excuse is lame.  Most parents know how to be responsible with their children, even with an open bar.   The bottom line is that you and your fiance need to get on the same page regarding kids.  Whatever you decide, decide it as a team.

1classydame

I'm planning on addressing the invitations to the parents only and wording the invitation to say "Adult reception to follow" since his side of the family keeps asking him and no, I know that they will not get the hint if I was to only address it to them since they are pushy and I do not want to have to deal with the drama of parents RVSP'ing their children.

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-wants-kids-at-wedding-and-i-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d4e9a44-a2fc-45fd-8f4d-5e2a906fdc62Post:b9eca64e-e912-47c9-b0ff-993385cb0bfb">Re: Fiance wants kids at wedding, and I don't</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm planning on addressing the invitations to the parents only and wording the invitation to say "Adult reception to follow" since his side of the family keeps asking him and no, I know that they will not get the hint if I was to only address it to them since they are pushy and I do not want to have to deal with the drama of parents RVSP'ing their children.
Posted by 1classydame[/QUOTE]

But if they're <em>that</em> pushy, you should probably expect a few phone calls asking if their child can come since they're traveling, or since they can't find a babysitter, or their kid can't handle being away from them for that long, or whatever other annoying excuse. Some people always think they're the exception to the rule, especially when it comes to their special snowflake children.

But none of that is an excuse to write "adults only" on your invitation. It's just plain bad etiquette.

brilibby4

I'm going to be honest here.  If you and your fiance cannot discuss this on your own and come up with a compromise or solution you are both okay with, you have a problem with communication in your relationship.  You need to talk to your fiance about this.  We cannot tell you how to work this out, you two need to talk and come to a resolution.

PPs are correct about it being rude to put "adult only" on the invitations.  It is appropriate to address the invitation to those you decide to invite.  If fiance's family adds guests who weren't on the invitation, you or fi call them up and explain that they must be confused because you are sorry but only ____ and ____ were invited to the wedding and that you hope to see them there.

lyndausvi

Who are the kids?  How many?

I think there is room for compromise.  It is his wedding also.  

Together we decided that only my  7 nieces and nephews would be invited to the wedding (he doesn't have any). They are very important to me and if DH told me I couldn't have them I would have gone off on him.    

BTW - I think having an open bar is the lamest excuse why not to have kids.  Then again my family/friends have alcohol at first birthday parties and Christianising, so maybe we are the weird ones.

amymaysa

I think you need to talk with your FI and find a way to come to some kind of agreement...you vs him isn't the way to start this marriage.

Also, I don't think having an open bar has anything to do with kids being at a wedding...Bartenders aren't going to serve a 15 year old.

1classydame

My worries for the open bar are not about the parents, it's about how all of our friends will act in front of little kids after drinking.  We've already seen it happen at other weddings, so it is a real concern for me.  We're also providing transportation for everyone to and from the hotel, so people can essentially drink as much as they want. 

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-wants-kids-at-wedding-and-i-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d4e9a44-a2fc-45fd-8f4d-5e2a906fdc62Post:f72dab80-dfe9-45ef-8c06-bdc8b34a1b26">Re: Fiance wants kids at wedding, and I don't</a>:
[QUOTE]My worries for the open bar are not about the parents, it's about how all of our friends will act in front of little kids after drinking.  We've already seen it happen at other weddings, so it is a real concern for me.  We're also providing transportation for everyone to and from the hotel, so people can essentially drink as much as they want. 
Posted by 1classydame[/QUOTE]


And if your guests are concerned with having their children exposed to people drinking, they won't bring them. EVERYONE in my family's social circle drinks. Dry weddings are unheard of around here.* I've been going to weddings my whole life and have seen plenty of drunk people. I'd like to think I turned out okay.

ETA: I mean "around here" as in my social circle. There are certainly dry weddings in my area occasionally, though I've only been to one.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-wants-kids-at-wedding-and-i-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d4e9a44-a2fc-45fd-8f4d-5e2a906fdc62Post:f72dab80-dfe9-45ef-8c06-bdc8b34a1b26">Re: Fiance wants kids at wedding, and I don't</a>:
[QUOTE]My worries for the open bar are not about the parents, it's about how all of our friends will act in front of little kids after drinking.  We've already seen it happen at other weddings, so it is a real concern for me.  We're also providing transportation for everyone to and from the hotel, so people can essentially drink as much as they want. 
Posted by 1classydame[/QUOTE]

<div>Honestly it's not your concern.  </div>

brilibby4

If the event gets out of hand and the parents find the situation inappropriate for their children, it is their responsibility to leave. 

We had many kids at our wedding and many drunk people at our wedding.  There were no issues and the children were the life of the party.  They started the dancing and kept going strong for most of the night. 

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-wants-kids-at-wedding-and-i-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d4e9a44-a2fc-45fd-8f4d-5e2a906fdc62Post:e135bfeb-9368-42b5-9299-628764206c20">Re: Fiance wants kids at wedding, and I don't</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance wants kids at wedding, and I don't : Honestly it's not your concern.  
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

Yep.  If the parents are so offended by people drinking in front of their little angels then they'll leave. 

Ali092011

Honestly, this is just silly. You clearly just don't want kids at the wedding. AND THAT'S OKAY. You don't need to make lame excuses. Many people don't want kids at their weddings. It's not rude to have an adults-only wedding, it's just rude to state that on the invitations.

What is NOT OKAY is being unable and unwilling to compromise with your FI. You have some negotiating to do.

kmmssg

Your post has a real tone of you being the one who is correct, and your FI being the one who is dead wrong.  You are talking about preferences here and neither is wrong.  You guys need to learn to compromise here and figure this out to make sure BOTH of you are happy.  Rumor has it that you will need to do that a lot once the wedding is over.

Meegles4

I'm pretty much nodding along with everything Brilibby is saying.

I'm also agreeing with Lynda---how many kids are we talking here? If it's 20 then sure I could see how that'd be a bit much. If it's 5, that's really not that many and I don't think it's going to ruin your day, even if you do spend 8 hours/day with kids and don't want to on your wedding day. YOU'RE not going to be the one spending time with them, their parents are. You'll be too busy doing other stuff.

We also had an open bar, and lots of overserved folk. Everything was fine.

If you truly don't want kids at the reception and your FI agrees to that, I do agree that you should provide some sort of babysitting service, especially if guests are travelling. Even if they can't bring their kids to the wedding, they're likely not going to want to make an OOT trip without their young kids. I agree with a PP who said some people might not like to leave their kids with a stranger, but it's a service that's at least nice to offer to at least show that you somewhat care about the comfort/needs of your guests.

LiLe422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-wants-kids-at-wedding-and-i-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d4e9a44-a2fc-45fd-8f4d-5e2a906fdc62Post:fb6627e3-ecfc-4274-a43f-887bf616cae2">Re: Fiance wants kids at wedding, and I don't</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, this is just silly. You clearly just don't want kids at the wedding. AND THAT'S OKAY. You don't need to make lame excuses. Many people don't want kids at their weddings. It's not rude to have an adults-only wedding, it's just rude to state that on the invitations. What is NOT OKAY is being unable and unwilling to compromise with your FI. You have some negotiating to do.
Posted by Ali092011[/QUOTE]

What she said.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-wants-kids-at-wedding-and-i-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d4e9a44-a2fc-45fd-8f4d-5e2a906fdc62Post:7b790f7b-b916-477d-9bd9-4c92a0332433">Re:Fiance wants kids at wedding, and I don't</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm all for adult weddings if it's what the COUPLE wants. But your FI wants his family at his wedding, including kids. It's not fair for you to just dictate your wants for the wedding when they specifically involve leaving family that he wants there out of it. It's his wedding too. You guys need to find a compromise here that makes you both happy. <strong>Also, I did want to mention that I had kids at my wedding and barely noticed them. You're so busy that it all sort of goes by in a whirlwind. Not trying to persuade you, just letting you know.
</strong>Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

This.

I didn't want kids at our wedding but FI did so we compromised and kept the amount of kids to very close family.  I didn't even notice one kid all night.  I was too busy dancing, talking and laughing with my friends and family.

But the thing you need to remember is that this isn't just your wedding, it is also your FI wedding and if he wants certain people there he should be allowed to invite them.

I also agree that the "open bar" excuse is beyond lame.  It seems like this is a primary excuse for most brides who don't want to have kids at their wedding and it is dumb.  A parent knows how to watch their children whether or not alcohol is present.

jessicabessica

You need to work this one out with your FI.  His response that if the kids aren't allowed, you need to find childcare is weird.  If he wants to provide childcare at the hotel, why can't he help with that?  Or is he just trying to make it too much trouble for you to not have kids there?  I think you both need to work on your communication and compromise skills.  Sit down and talk through how many kids are on the list, and if there are any that are more important than others to him to have in attendance.

Summer2011Bride

I agree that you need to discuss this with your FI. This is a communication issue between the two of you and one we can't solve for you. You both have your own opinions--neither is right or wrong. But you do need to come up with a compromise that you can both live with. Perhaps that's limiting the amount of kids but still inviting some that are really important to him, just for an example.

It is fine to not want children at your wedding. BUT your excuses are just that--lame excuses. We had an open bar and quite a few children and many people were drunk or tipsy and it just wasn't an issue. If parents don't like it, they'll take their kids and go home. Or if they don't want their kids around alcohol at all, they won't bring them.

Whatever you decide to do, I completely agree that "adults only" is rude to put on the invitations. If you do decide to not invite any children, just address them to the people invited. Don't mention who is not invited.

wrigleyville

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-wants-kids-at-wedding-and-i-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d4e9a44-a2fc-45fd-8f4d-5e2a906fdc62Post:ae705c6e-9a5c-4faa-9724-23d4119e8f19">Re: Fiance wants kids at wedding, and I don't</a>:
[QUOTE]Your post has a real tone of you being the one who is correct, and your FI being the one who is dead wrong.  You are talking about preferences here and neither is wrong.  You guys need to learn to compromise here and figure this out to make sure BOTH of you are happy.  <strong>Rumor has it that you will need to do that a lot once the wedding is over.</strong>
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

All of this, especially the bolded portion.

1classydame

I came on here looking for advice from other brides who might be in the same situation as me, and the compromises that they reached so everyone was happy, not for snarky replies such as "rumor has it".  If you can't offer anything constructive, then you should probably keep your replies to yourself. 

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-wants-kids-at-wedding-and-i-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d4e9a44-a2fc-45fd-8f4d-5e2a906fdc62Post:a982ac8f-1fd9-4923-8c9b-4a85410f3ade">Re: Fiance wants kids at wedding, and I don't</a>:
[QUOTE]I came on here looking for advice from other brides who might be in the same situation as me, and the compromises that they reached so everyone was happy, not for snarky replies such as "rumor has it" .  If you can't offer anything constructive, then you should probably keep your replies to yourself. 
Posted by 1classydame[/QUOTE]

OR, now hear me out, we'll say whatever the fuuck we want.  Because, you know, it's a public forum and we can do fun things like that.  You got good advice.  Accept that you're in the wrong for thinking you can be the dictator of your wedding and go talk to your fiance.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-wants-kids-at-wedding-and-i-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d4e9a44-a2fc-45fd-8f4d-5e2a906fdc62Post:a982ac8f-1fd9-4923-8c9b-4a85410f3ade">Re: Fiance wants kids at wedding, and I don't</a>:
[QUOTE]I came on here looking for advice from other brides who might be in the same situation as me, and the compromises that they reached so everyone was happy, not for snarky replies such as "rumor has it" .  If you can't offer anything constructive, then you should probably keep your replies to yourself. 
Posted by 1classydame[/QUOTE]

Oh for fluck sakes!  You did get constructive responses.  You and your FI need to have a conversation and compromise on this situation.  And the "rumor has it" remark was spot on...you will need to compromise on everything once you are married because you are a team.  People can joke around and say that the wife is the boss but in reality they know that to make a marriage (or any relationship) work you have to work together and compromise.

Gabrielle76

My FI and I disagreed on that too OP.  I didn't want to invite children, he did.  Earlier in the planning, we had tabled the discussion of bubbles at the ceremony, because I really wanted bubbles, he did not.  We traded children for bubbles, and all was well.  Is there anything else you've held opposite opinions on?

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-wants-kids-at-wedding-and-i-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d4e9a44-a2fc-45fd-8f4d-5e2a906fdc62Post:92bcd69e-e4ef-4764-81cc-2937404ac26c">Fiance wants kids at wedding, and I don't</a>:
[QUOTE]I need some advice.  I am planning a wedding in another state and all of our guests will also be from out of state.  The problem is that I would like to have an adult reception (which I will word  as such on the invitation) and my fiance thinks kids should be there.  With an open bar, I don't think this is a good idea.  Also, I work 8 hours a day with kids and would at least like to have my one wedding day be a child free event.  I was really looking forward to having an adult reception when my fiance tells me that he's going to let his family bring all their kids (I've already told my friends with kids that it will be an adult reception!) and if they can't be at the wedding then that I should arrange babysitters and activities for them at the hotel we are booking rooms at!!!!  I'm really furious.  If people have children that they can't find arrangements for, then I think that they should decline, and I shouldn't have to arrange babysitting for them on my own wedding day if they decide to bring their kids to an out of state wedding. <strong> I really feel like he is prioritizing his cousin's kids over my own feelings on our wedding day.</strong>    Has anyone else had to deal with this?
Posted by 1classydame[/QUOTE]

And he probably feels like you're prioritizing a wedding vision over his FAMILY.  If H had tried to cut all my family kids from the guest list we would have had a huge problem.  My family is really important to me and that includes the kids.  Thankfully H feels exactly the same way and we had an awesome party with our drunk friends <strong>and</strong> all our little relatives.

I'm not trying to say he's unilaterally correct or anything (though obviously my own feelings would have me siding with him), but this is his wedding day to and he should have a say in it.  Like many PPs have said you need to compromise.

wrigleyville

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-wants-kids-at-wedding-and-i-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d4e9a44-a2fc-45fd-8f4d-5e2a906fdc62Post:a982ac8f-1fd9-4923-8c9b-4a85410f3ade">Re: Fiance wants kids at wedding, and I don't</a>:
[QUOTE]I came on here looking for advice from other brides who might be in the same situation as me, and the compromises that they reached so everyone was happy, not for snarky replies such as "rumor has it" .  If you can't offer anything constructive, then you should probably keep your replies to yourself. 
Posted by 1classydame[/QUOTE]

<img id="thumbnail_photo_20179146668" style="background-color:transparent;cursor:pointer;" class="image_thumbnail" src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1po0gjoEn1rqfhi2o1_250.gif" alt="" width="150" height="174" />

BaciBallWedding

I am not having kids at my wedding or reception AND I wrote it on the invites. I included on the website that kids weren't invited, told everyone, had our families tell everyone. I still had people claiming they didn't know or ask if their kid could come. My one exception is for a four month old. Sometimes you need to be blatently clear to get the point across (People still asked if it applied to them after they were sent out). I'm with you here. And actually its not as ride as it was once considered. I was told Martha Stewart says its fine to put on your invitations.

As far as you and your FI you should look at space, guest count, and budget. Kids can top the scales here. Also I think finding a sitter for the hotel room is good. Its an olive branch in an otherwise one-sided situation. Parents will enjoy a night away and coming back to the hotel with their children well cared for.

1classydame

I honestly don't mind (and would like) his nieces and nephews there since they mean the world to him.  The problem is that he also wants to extend the inviatations to his cousins kids (whom he's not even close to), which adds 6 more kids.  That's 16 kids under the age of 10 at an evening (5pm-11pm) wedding.  Most of them are 3 years old.  Meals are $40-45 a person - even kids.  My compromise to him is having only his siblings kids there, but yet he thinks that his cousins will still bring their kids (even if not invited) and that I should then arrange a babysitter for them if they do.  Also, that opens up a whole can of worms with other guests who have kids and went through the trouble of finding child-care.   

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-wants-kids-at-wedding-and-i-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d4e9a44-a2fc-45fd-8f4d-5e2a906fdc62Post:fbc489cf-b0c0-4515-9e9b-ad34955f73e7">Re: Fiance wants kids at wedding, and I don't</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not having kids at my wedding or reception AND I wrote it on the invites. I included on the website that kids weren't invited, told everyone, had our families tell everyone. I still had people claiming they didn't know or ask if their kid could come. My one exception is for a four month old. Sometimes you need to be blatently clear to get the point across (People still asked if it applied to them after they were sent out). I'm with you here. And actually its not as ride as it was once considered. <strong>I was told Martha Stewart says its fine to put on your invitations</strong>. As far as you and your FI you should look at space, guest count, and budget. Kids can top the scales here. Also I think finding a sitter for the hotel room is good. Its an olive branch in an otherwise one-sided situation. Parents will enjoy a night away and coming back to the hotel with their children well cared for.
Posted by BaciBallWedding[/QUOTE]

Yes, because Martha Stewart is the end all be all when it comes to wedding etiquette.