Out of control??

JessieBessie

I am newly engaged and my parents are in the process of moving out of state. They have known for about the past 6 months that my fiance and I have been talking about getting married. A couple months ago I had a nice long daughter-father talk and was told that he wouldn't take offense if my now fiance didn't ask for my hand in marriage but he did say that he would like us all to talk if it was after or before we got engaged (he didn't care at the time). Since they are out of state quite a bit it is hard to talk to them face to face so a lot of the conversations are over the phone, unfortunately.

Now that I am engaged, my parents have told me that I am being selfish for getting engaged while they are in the process of moving (even though they have known about us thinking about it for the past 6 months), that they have all the say in this even though they aren't paying for the wedding at all, that we won't last, that we don't know what we are getting into, that my fiance was disrespectful for not asking for my hand, that we shouldn't expect any support from any of my family members, and so on and so forth.

I know this is supposed to be a happy time but it is hard to be excited when my parents don't want to have anything to do with us. I feel like they are making me choose between him or them. It is hard to talk to them without getting hurt or upset. But I never say anything rude or disrespectful. I have told them how I felt, politely, but it was shoved back into my face.

I just have no idea what to do and I am at that point where I am asking myself if I really want them in my life, as harsh as that sounds. I understand that they are concerned or worried or just being parents, but to say those things are over the top, right?

If you have any suggestions or advice, please share them. I am in need of it it, harsh or not.

Thank you!!

Peledreamsofrain

Your parents' behavior is confusing to say the least.  True your FI could have just called your father and asked, but quite frankly, this isn't the 1950's and you aren't property to be passed around 'with permission'. The whole 'being selfish getting engaged while they move' thing is just..... super weird.

I would stop talking with your parents about the wedding, or the engagement.  Back off and stop letting them provoke fights.  Hopefully they will start realizing their bizzare and negative behavior is driving you away, and there are more important things.

aquari0216

say what?? sounds like the 'rents temporarily lost their minds.....give it time....if the support never comes....remember its about you and the boo-thang.....you can always love from afar

JessieBessie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5dbdf1e2-bd32-42e9-a6fe-dd342aaee4d5Post:ed1a27e7-4d5c-46d7-a913-7412b55ad300">Re:Out of control??</a>:
[QUOTE]How old are you? How long have you and your FI been together? How long are you planning for your engagement to be? Have you been getting support from your family members up to this point, either financially or in housing, transportation, etc?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

We have been getting support from his side and from my extended family. We have only been offically engaged for about a month. We are paying for the wedding all by ourselves.

formerlyCooper

I concur with PP's advice to back away from your parents and leave them with their thoughts for a while. Plan your wedding as anticipated, without their help or support, either emotionally or financially. Do not discuss the wedding with them. Hopefully they'll come around when they realize their majorly immature guilt tripping tactic has backfired. If not, no loss. If you feel you need to cut them out of your life, do whatever is best for you. A poisonous relationship is a good thing to walk away from, no matter who the relationship is with.

Knottie_22386653

Have they given any specific reasons for this sudden change in behavior? It could just be that now that you're engaged, it's suddenly real to them that you're not just going to be their daughter, you're going to be someone's wife. It can knock the wind out of their sails.

Even so, I can completely see where you're coming from in being upset. This IS supposed to be a happy time, and it doesn't help when your parents aren't supporting. I am curious about the answers to Stage's questions. Especially how old you are. Could that be a specific reason your parents are having a hard time with this?

If it makes you feel any better, my father made vomiting noises and gagged when my H asked him for my hand in marriage...

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5dbdf1e2-bd32-42e9-a6fe-dd342aaee4d5Post:404617cb-4517-4050-ab6b-b99bbef53fd2">Re:Out of control??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Out of control?? : We have been getting support from his side and from my extended family. We have only been offically engaged for about a month. We are paying for the wedding all by ourselves.
Posted by JessieBessie[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Could you please answer the rest of Stage's questions?  How old are you?  Are you talking emotional support or financial support from your FI's family and your distant relatives?</div><div>
</div><div>We don't have enough info to give you solid answers.  There is a world of difference between, "I'm 19, graduated high school last year and work and Walmart and my FI has a part time job too" and "I'm 24, graduated college, support myself 100% and I have a good job.  My FI is also well educated and supports himself too."</div><div>
</div><div>In the first instance, your parents would be dead on, "you don't know what you are getting yourself into" and their lack of support would be easy to understand.  In the second instance, they don't seem to be dealing well with the situation of their adult,independent daughter getting married.  Advice would vary greatly.</div><div>
</div><div>Some answers, please?</div><div>
</div>

Loopyseven

I too need to know the answer to the rest of Stage's questions before I can weigh in.

wittykitty14

I think your parents and mine should get together for a drink...

They did the SAME exact thing.  They knew the engagement was coming, my FI asked my dad first, they were excited.  Once we got engaged, it was nothing but "do you really know what you're getting into?", and that HASN'T stopped, and we're less than 4 months away now.  My mom in particular has been really out of control, even though she says that she's happy for me, and thinks my FI and I are a perfect match.  It's a giant mess.  It's hard to bring up wedding talk with her, because sometime's she's great, and other times she flips out.  I'm walking on eggshells.

What I've learned is that my parents seem to be nervous about me "growing up" and "apart" from them.  I'm also the youngest, which makes all of this worse.  My parents are just panicking, and taking out everything on me.  But even if they say hurtful things to me, I know that they love me and are truly happy for my FI and I.  My guess is that that's the case with your family too.  Telling them you're thinking about long-term arrangements and actually getting engaged can be a big step for parents.  Just make sure that their comments don't take away from your happiness!  It's very hard to do, but it's so important!  I wish you the best of luck!  

JessieBessie

I am 21 and I know it is considered young. My fiance is 25. We are planning on having a 6 month engagement. I am my parents oldest child and their only daughter. I do understand that they are stressed - I have moved a lot when I was a kid so I know - and concerned that 21 is young.  Yet again they told me that even 24 is young too (that is the age they got married). My fiance and I have been together for 2 years. During the 2 years he has made a huge effort to get to know my parents. We are only looking for emotional support from my family, I should have clarified that. I have been supporting myself for almost 2 years. I have a stable job. My fiance has been on his own for years now. He is in the process of becoming a cop. He has proven, to both my parents and I, that he can support me and protect his family. My fiance and I have talked a lot about getting married between us and our pastors. We have done I guess pre-engagement counseling and are in the process of pre-marital counseling. We are both aware that marriage is not easy but we are willing to work hard for it and work together.

JessieBessie

Thank you everyone for your advice! It means a lot and a lot of my questions are answered.

ladytori

Those who pay get a say. Don't accept anything from your parents if they want to control the wedding. If they say, "hey, we want to pay for your dress" or "hey, we would like to pay for the limo", they may want to control other parts of the wedding.

You can run by some dates of the wedding and give them a certain number of guests to invite, but that's it.

However, your parents may be upset about losing their girl, which is why they are acting like this. On the other hand, they may eventually warm up to the wedding just like my mom.

At first, my mom was so upset and cried about the type of dress that I wanted. She envisioned a flowing, ball gown princess dress, and I wanted something simple. I realized that she was sad about losing her baby girl, and her tears had nothing to do with the dress.

After when she felt better, my mom really warmed up to our ideas and even helped us.