Would you judge...

RobotLegs

someone getting engaged 7 months after their divorce was final?

adamar15

I think it would depend on the relationship, and whether it seemed like they were rushing into it or not.  The divorce being final wouldn't really matter much to me, because a relationship can be over way before the divorce is actually finalized on paper.

achiduck

Maybe. It depends on the circumstances. A girl I used to work with was happily married and TTC with her husband and she would talk about how happy her marriage was ALLL the time to the point of me mentally blocking her out and just doing the smile and nod. She got a job somewhere else and left the company but we remained FB friends. Less then a month later she changed her status to single and announced she was geting divorced (deleted all wedding pictures, etc of FB). Then about 15 days later she changed her status again to "in a relationship" and pictures of the new boyfriend appeard. They got engaged for their 1 year anniversary. While i know I shouldn't judge her, I did. But who knows, maybe her marriage was unhappy and she was just trying to save face.

Is this a hypothetical question?

Arayx2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e2f3dd6-3268-4963-a238-8194b9a9707dPost:268e643e-ae6c-4c82-86d5-e847d13b6d2b">Re: Would you judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it would depend on the relationship, and whether it seemed like they were rushing into it or not.  The divorce being final wouldn't really matter much to me, because <strong>a relationship can be over way before the divorce is actually finalized on paper</strong>.
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

This. Not sure the circumstances but behind closed doors, there are a lot of untold stories in every situation.

RobotLegs

DD'ing identifying info.  MWAH

laurenclaire1386

Depends on how long it took to get the judgment signed. If it took years to hammer out the property settlement and/or child support, then no, I probably wouldn't judge. I know there's no one size fits all when it comes to getting over an ended relationship and being ready to move on to a new one, but taken at face value, your question makes me think the person it's about doesn't take marriage very seriously.

missy68

It would be weird. I personally didn't want to date anyone for nearly 12 months after my separation (I went on 1 date prior to the divorce being final, and it was out of state - technically, your spouse can sue the person you go out with for alienation of affection in NC, so that was the only "safe" way to do it). So that would mean I would have basically married the first person I went out with, which is what pretty much caused a disaster to begin with.

So, based on my PERSONAL experience, I'd side-eye it. Think it's wrong; that's not my judgment to make. John and I moved in together after an 8 month LDR, were engaged after a year, but married 4 months later.

achiduck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e2f3dd6-3268-4963-a238-8194b9a9707dPost:419bed96-f763-45c0-9b79-3536ff18e85b">Re: Would you judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not really hypothetical, it's in regards to a CW.  I don't know that I really judge, actually. Her situation is that she got married a couple of years ago to a guy she'd been with for 10 years- since she was like 19/20.  They split up last spring/summer, divorce finalized in October'ish.  She started dating new guy within a month or two, and they just got engaged this week.  I'm happy for her.  <strong>I think my concern is more that she has really never been single or anything, and I was kind of excited for her to experience being single, living by herself, etc.  I'm worried she's filling the emptiness from the divorce with new guy.
</strong>Posted by RobotLegs[/QUOTE]
I think it's super important to really know who you are before getting married (or remarried) and being ok with yourself when you're single is a big part of that.

AbbeyS2011

I do not see anything wrong with it under those circumstances.  My marriage to my exH was over long before we officially separated, and the circumstances behind that were quite ugly.  Then, he kept delaying the divorce by asking the judge for more time. 

I am thinking with the scenario you presented, the couple possibly got married because they thought it was the next step since they had been together so long, which happens often. 

Now, if it were the case where one or the other was having an affair and divorced in order to be with the other man/woman, that would be a different story. 

baystateapple

Yeah, I mean.  H and I got a lot of flack for getting engaged so "soon".  BIL and SIL were dating for five years before he popped the question; H proposed to me after only 14 months.

One of my best friends is always in a similar position.  She dates one guy long term, then they break up, and then three weeks later she's with another guy.  She's never been single for longer than a month since she started dated.  And the guys she's with always seem to treat her like garbage.  Sometimes I wonder if she's just filling the emptiness with the new guy.  But it's her life, YKWIM?

LessThanZero

I think it depends on the situation too. Maybe the divorce only took place 7 months ago, but the person can be checked out of the relationship long before that.

I think 6 months can be a short amount of time to be in a relationship before getting engaged, but it works for some people, especially when they're a little older, responsible and now know what they want in a partner.

missy68

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e2f3dd6-3268-4963-a238-8194b9a9707dPost:419bed96-f763-45c0-9b79-3536ff18e85b">Re: Would you judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]  I think my concern is more that she has really never been single or anything, and I was kind of excited for her to experience being single, living by herself, etc.  I'm worried she's filling the emptiness from the divorce with new guy.
Posted by RobotLegs[/QUOTE]

This. I would seriously think she needs time alone. There's grief involved in any divorce, even if you're the one who instigated it/walked away. And in that alone time, you need to remember who you are, and what you want and what you believe. That gets lost in a relationship that has disintegrated.

crfische

I don't necessarily JUDGE people in relationships and what they choose to do with their relationships. I might think it's a bad idea, and I might see red flags, but emotion is a very strong motivator, and I totally get that. I think she's being driven more by her emotional mind rather than her rational mind.

Also, it's hard to go from being in a relationship and having a partner to not having a partner. Some people love being single and asserting their independence, but it isn't for everyone, ya know? Some people like to be in relationships. Is that healthy? Maybe. Maybe not. Depends on the kind of relationship. Is this guy a douchebag, or a pretty decent man?

RobotLegs

.

crfische

BROTHER HUSBANDS!!!

scottswife1106

It really depends on the situation.

My H had been separated from his ex for 2 years and they never got a divorce. After we got together, he decided that he wanted to marry me and got the divorce. We were officially engaged 1 week after the divorce was final.

So I think the separation period should go into account as well.

RobotLegs

OMG, how much would it suck to have Brother Husbands?

kate51485

I agree with PP that it sounds like it was just the next step they thought they should do, as well as that a relationship can be over long before it's "officially" over. So, maybe it's not that soon given the inner workings. Also, I think if they have a longer engagement, it can kind of make up for some of the time that they skipped over before getting engaged. If they got engaged and married super quick, I might wonder if she was just trying to fill a void. 

crfische

HOLY CRAP ITS KATE NUMBERS.

ARENT YOU MARRIED YET?!

Mrs.B6302007

I sure couldn't have done it. It took me 4 years to even date after my divorce.  I used that time to find get my life back and be single.  I married young and went from my parents' house to being married so it was really nice to have that time to be "free".

If you were talking 7 weeks, yeah, I would judge but 7 months might be alright for your CW. Not everyone needs the same amount of time to heal from a divorce.  Some might have begun the healing process during the separation so if that was a year, they might have already had almost 2 years to recover. 

AbbeyS2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e2f3dd6-3268-4963-a238-8194b9a9707dPost:27c29aef-7672-4f03-800c-d56722951eb2">Re: Would you judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]OMG, how much would it suck to have Brother Husbands?
Posted by RobotLegs[/QUOTE]

LOL, especially when you were TTC?

But for chores and getting things fixed, it might not be bad. 

baystateapple

My H has an aunt who has been separated from her husband for close to ten years now.  She only just started divorce proceedings this past year.  She and he sort of had a mutual agreement that until one of them was seriously interested in having a relationship, they didn't want to get involved in the financial mess of a divorce.  Now she's seeing someone and she's very happy, and finally getting a divorce.  I imagine she'll get engaged when the divorce is finalized, and I don't judge her for that.  She hasn't been truly "married" in any sort of physical or emotional sense in a decade.

kate51485

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e2f3dd6-3268-4963-a238-8194b9a9707dPost:10786064-4823-43da-b0ca-3b37514edd41">Re: Would you judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]HOLY CRAP ITS KATE NUMBERS. ARENT YOU MARRIED YET?!
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

Heh, ALMOST! And I say what I said above because that's totally us. We got engaged just 2 months after getting back together (had been with each other on and off for 10 years) but will have been engaged 2.5 years. Part of that was due to moving, and finishing school, and other things, but I also think that it quelled any suspicions that we were making any uninformed decisions. :)

missy68

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e2f3dd6-3268-4963-a238-8194b9a9707dPost:926c7d2e-4799-48cc-b3c1-6b8c725b632c">Re: Would you judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]I sure couldn't have done it. It took me 4 years to even date after my divorce.  I used that time to find get my life back and be single.  I married young and went from my parents' house to being married so it was really nice to have that time to be "free". If you were talking 7 weeks, yeah, I would judge but 7 months might be alright for your CW. Not everyone needs the same amount of time to heal from a divorce.  Some might have begun the healing process during the separation so if that was a year, they might have already had almost 2 years to recover. 
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

B, you don't have to go into details, but I'm curious since we share this, too. Did you initiate yours, or not? I initiated mine, and I was so calm and what not right after I told him (I was an emotional wreck and ate nothing for 3 or 4 days leading up to it). It was freeing. I spent the summer with my parents, away from it all. When I went back, I crashed, and crashed HARD. I was scared of him, depressed big time, having anxiety attacks, and just generally a mess. I felt like "the divorced/separated pariah." Dating was a nightmare, because I didn't know how to do it (and that's another whole topic  not fit for public consumption). I really had lost myself and my belief system while I was married to my ex.

jerseydevil

It depends on the situation and the people. I definitely wouldn't judge that at all.

katieisawesome

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e2f3dd6-3268-4963-a238-8194b9a9707dPost:43f24a66-0286-46d4-ba70-47e7df74d7a7">Would you judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]someone getting engaged 7 months after their divorce was final?
Posted by RobotLegs[/QUOTE]

<div>Not necessarily because it took 3 years for my divorce to be final.  That's 3 years from the day me and my XH were maintaining separate residences, making no attempts at reconciliation, and had completely severed our relationship.  It's been almost a year since it was finalized and I am ready to say yes if and when my current SO asks.</div>

jemmini6

Like everyone else, it depends on the situation.  I do however majorly judge my sister's exH for having his new girlfriend move in with him BEFORE their divorce was finalized. (from the time my sister moved out till the time their divorce was final was less than 3 months). 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Yes. I know 2 people who have done this. One got married last January, separated 5 months later, divorce was final a few months ago and she got engaged soon after.

The other person I know is my mom. She got married 4 months after her divorce was final.

And by judge I mean side-eye. Whatever they want to do is their business. In the first case, the girl in question is 25 or 26, so it was more of a "really? why the rush?" response.

ETA: neither of these were no-fault divorces (which take a year or more) and each were finalized in less than a year from initial separation.