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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP!
I have a tricky situation and I don't know how to handle it.
My mom's friend, husband and 19 year old daughter were invited to my wedding. This is an adult only reception and only guests 21 and up can bring a guest. She never RSVP'd, so my mom called her and left a message.
She responded on facebook and said she and her daughter will be there, but her husband cannot come, so they are bringing the daughter's boyfriend in his place.
My mom doesn't understand why I'm upset about this. The boyfriend wasn't invited. I don't know him and, again, no other guests under 21 can bring a guest.
My mom said you can't say "no" because then none of them will come and it will ruin their friendship. Besides, she says, it's not like it's changing the total number of guests coming.
How do I handle this? I need a polite way to say that I would still like the two of them to come, but unfortunately, the boyfriend cannot. I know I already made her upset once when I had to politely tell her at a party we were at last year that her other daughter (whom I don't know well and is 13) would not be on the guest list.
Am I being irrational? I need some help.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP!
I agree with the others. Yes, adding guests all willy nilly sucks, but it sounds like this is someone that should have been included in the first place. Roll with it. In fact, if it were me, I'd call them personally and apologize for not inviting him in the first place and tell them that of course he was welcome.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
When I was 19, I was dating my now husband. I knew I was going to marry him. He was not a "guest" to me. He was a significant other.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
p.s. does yout venue have discounts for "unde 21". I know mine does. did you ask?
[QUOTE]Ok. I get it. I will let it slide and not flip out. I think I got worked up a bit because this particular person does this sort of thing all the time... never follows the rules. And just to clarify to not make it sound like I'm being a complete B... We only allowed 21 and over to bring a guest and that was a family deciion to help limit the guest list. With a limited budget and our guest list growing to over 350 people, we all agreed as a family (his and mine) that that was appropriate. I know an 18 year old is officially an adult... but it's hard when there's a bar tab to pay for ;) Thanks all for calming me down and helping me let it slide.
Posted by aburnell[/QUOTE]
<div>FWIW - my family did something similar when I was younger. It was a 'rule' for so long not one of us even questioned it. </div><div>
</div><div>Just because we did it for family, didn't mean we did the same for non-family. </div><div>
</div><div>Not only that, it's very unlikely your/his family is going to go around questioning every guest their age and relationship with their date to get to scoop if they were treated the same. KWIM?</div>
n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-adding-to-the-guest-list-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fa478b6-c0ec-4a5d-8c3d-f1290a975d5fPost:eb4c49f0-3002-402b-bb31-d448c710cdc1">Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a tricky situation and I don't know how to handle it. My mom's friend, husband and 19 year old daughter were invited to my wedding. This is an adult only reception and only guests 21 and up can bring a guest. She never RSVP'd, so my mom called her and left a message. She responded on facebook and said she and her daughter will be there, but her husband cannot come, so they are bringing the daughter's boyfriend in his place. My mom doesn't understand why I'm upset about this. The boyfriend wasn't invited. I don't know him and, again, no other guests under 21 can bring a guest. My mom said you can't say "no" because then none of them will come and it will ruin their friendship. Besides, she says, it's not like it's changing the total number of guests coming. How do I handle this? I need a polite way to say that I would still like the two of them to come, but unfortunately, the boyfriend cannot. I know I already made her upset once when I had to politely tell her at a party we were at last year that her other daughter (whom I don't know well and is 13) would not be on the guest list. Am I being irrational? I need some help.
Posted by aburnell[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE] Also, does your venue charge the bar package for each adult guest, or each guest that is at least 21? Maybe you could mention to them that the substituted guest is under 21 and they won't charge you for an alcoholic package.
Posted by sbc2013[/QUOTE]
<div>They charge a bar fee for each person invited, regardless of age. I asked...</div><div>
</div><div>O well. Not a huge deal and as almost everyone has said, I'll let it slide. I was pretty upset because, as I said, this family does things like this EVERY time they are invited somewhere. It's like they just don't get it. </div><div>...Jean overhauls to my wedding shower? You see where I'm going with this.</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks all for the advice. My mom called her and told her he can come, but to still please turn in the RSVP card, even though the deadline was last week. </div>
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
We didn't. Anyone in a relationship at the time invites went out was invited with the person they named as their boyfriend or girlfriend, regardless of length of the relationship. I told my best friend in the middle of my first date with DH that he was the man I would marry. 8 months later, we were engaged.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP! : This is a serious question. How do you distinguish being in a relationship and some dude the invitee met last week? Or don't you?
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
<div>We gave everyone a plus one. My BIL brought his flavor-of-the-week (we were given her name 2 days before the wedding.) My SIL brought one of her friends. NBD to me.</div><div>
</div><div>I think it's fair to say most people know their guests well enough to know if they are a serial/flavor-of-the-month type or not. If it's a distance cousin, I always go with the benefit of the the doubt. I didn't have the time and energy to question people on the subject. </div><div>
</div><div>I also gave myself a buffer in the guest list just in case relationships changed or I didn't know about a distant cousin's relationship. </div><div>
</div><div>I really didn't care about substitutions either (as long they were not under 18.)</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Guest adding to the Guest list... HELP! : I<strong>t seems to me that you are saying that plus ones are virtually required if anyone asks.</strong> I think many people have had BFs/GFs that were not part of a long-term or committed or serious relationship That's the problem with the board sentiment that anyone identified as a BF/GF MUST be invited. There may be a serious relationship, there may not be. Here, the guest didnt even bohter to call the B or G to discuss,
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
This is because they are, if the person asking is in a relationship. The problem with your logic is that you're trying to judge the seriousness of your guests' relationships. That is both not your responsibility and none of your business. By inviting everyone in a relationship with their signifcant other, you're showing them that you consider them a social unit, as they ARE a social unit.
By your definition my now Husband would not have been invited to a wedding with me after we had been together for 2.5 years.
THIS is why we tell people, if the person considers the other person their bf/gf they get invited as a social unit. It is not up to you to determine how serious someone's relationship it.
ETA: My husband and I knew we were going to get married a month into our relationship....we just decided to take our time with things.
I think Drama explained this pretty well.
Just go away and stop giving bad advice. You've been shown multiple definitions of significant other, boyfriend, and girlfriend that are synonomous and you refuse to acknowledge it. Stop being ignorant.
Yes, your dictionary.com references agreed with you while the MerriamWebster references agree with my aforementioned statement. Just because you don't think they are one in the same does not make it so. Once again, stop being ignorant and/or stop posting your craptacular advice.