Wedding the same day as my cousins- Now what?

LizzyRB

My dad has 11 brothers and sisters. And because of this I have about 35 first cousins. One of my cousins posted on facebook how excited she is to get married on 5/18. Well, my wedding is also 5/18. Neither of us are extremely close to our aunts and uncles as the family is so large.

Some of my aunts have called my dad expressing concern about having to "pick." So my first feeling is just... go to hers. I am not heart broken at all and would much rather not invite any aunts and uncles to mine, than have my family stressed about what to do or worrying about offending someone.

The aunts still want to somehow be a part of the wedding. Is it ok for them to come to my shower as their inclusion? Or, since they will be told to go the other wedding, should they not be invited?

I do NOT want to have a dinner for just a portion of people at a separate time to celebrate.  I also know it's against etiquette to invite people to pre-parties that won't be invited to the wedding.

What would you do in this case?

littleluckypenny

If you were planning to invite them before you found out, still invite them.  Let them make the decision on their own.  Therefore, if they are invited to the wedding, you can invite them to other wedding activities/events if that is your concern.

LizzyRB

They don't want to choose... the fear is if they choose me their sister will be mad at them or if they choose my cousin, my dad would be mad. I thought by not inviting any of them, no one would have to feel like picking a side.

It seems they are trying to talk my dad into having the date changed, which I don't want me or her to do. I regret they fell on the same day, but neither of us knew what the other one was doing. What are the chances?

littleluckypenny

Part of being an adult is making difficult choices.  Don't make the choice for them.  And an invitation is just that.  An invitation.  Not a subpoena.

pkontk

I'm sure they are feeling torn, which is understandable, but you and your cousin are clearly not close enough to really want to change your wedding dates for each other.  Keep your plans as they are and let the aunts decide.

Meegles4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-the-same-day-as-my-cousins-now-what?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fea0072-641d-4bd0-98e8-e8524f7a01c5Post:a15953b6-505b-40e4-8aef-c9d955cf4004">Re: Wedding the same day as my cousins- Now what?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well that's too bad; they are grownups and have to choose.  They are being childish, and frankly, a bit selfish.  Just invite them, because they seem like the type to get wounded if they are excluded.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Eagles is right. But my sarcastic self would take this as an opportunity to lop off aunts and first cousins from my guest list entirely :-) That's a whole ton of people to have to invite when you're not even that close to many of them.

But Eagles is right here. They'd probably get hurt if you didn't invite them but will still whine that they have to choose if you do invite them. So, invite them and make them choose. They're grown ups. They can figure out how to support you and your cousin.

Also, as an aside. It is possible to go to two weddings in one day assuming they're in the same town. They can do the ceremony for your cousin and reception for you, or vice versa.

Meegles4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-the-same-day-as-my-cousins-now-what?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fea0072-641d-4bd0-98e8-e8524f7a01c5Post:8b94cc46-9555-4c3e-a093-f57a98826f48">Re: Wedding the same day as my cousins- Now what?</a>:
[QUOTE]Meegles is smart.  ;)
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Only 'cuz you posted first. I totally would've gone all "don't invite these people, what a waste" on the OP. 35 first cousins is a lot of "have to's" to have on your list. Especially if they have SOs.

Also, OP. The two weddings in one day thing. I completely forgot about it and it happened to me. It really does work if the weddings are local and would solve the auntie heartache.

LizzyRB

I am not inviting any cousins, just aunts and uncles thank goodness. Even that is still too many! We were hoping to stay under 90 total guests but I doubt we will.

The weddings are about 30 mins away from each other so that may work. How would you know your headcount for dinner meals? Just assume everyone is coming and plan on a dinner for them if the reply yes? I would hate to have 16 guests leave after the wedding and have so many extra meals. Not to mention the tab for the uneaten meals and extra heads on the open bar tab.

Meegles4

Lizzy -- Yeah even 11 aunts/uncles + SOs it adds up!

As far as the whole RSVP thing, it would likely require a little explanation so aunts knew how to respond. The RSVP card is really only for the reception and meal itself (unless you have a limit for your ceremony venue). If that's NOT the case, you would just tell your aunts that if they're coming to just your ceremony, they should RSVP "NO" on the card. That way, you won't include them in the head count for the food. Then of course, they're welcome to come or not come to the "free" part based on their other plans.

On the flip side, if they'll miss your ceremony, but would be coming to the reception, they should indicate "YES" on the RSVP card. You won't care whether they're at the ceremony, but that will tell you that you need to reserve food for them later.

Now, this all takes into account they follow through with their intended plans. They can't plan to only attend your ceremony, thus RSVPing "no", and then the day of the wedding decide they don't want to go to your cousin's reception and want to go to yours. They have to make their plans and stick to them.

It's just an idea to float by them if they continue to whine about choosing. I wouldn't make a huge deal, just say "hey, if you really can't decide, there are ways to attend both. But that's really up to you and how much travelling you want to do that day. I would understand whatever you decide." If they take you up on it, you can explain more detail.

30 minutes is totally doable IMO, but it all depends on timing of each wedding, of course. In my case, my ceremony was at 2, reception was 5:30. My acquiantance had her ceremony at 3 but since I had a gap (gasp!), it made it possible for our mutual friend to be there for the other girl's full ceremony, drive 45 minutes, and show up to my reception just on time or slightly late.

I wouldn't recommend trying to orchestrate this if all 11 people are whiney or if they don't get the basics of wedding RSVPing. But if it's just one or two aunts, I could see working with them to figure it out. In my case, I didn't do any of the work, my friend figured out the logistics on her own and then RSVP'ed appropriately to both weddings. Your involvement really depends on how "with it" your aunts are :-)

DramaGeek

Two family friends got married the same day.  The times were such that we were able to go to the ceremony of the first one, then to the ceremony and reception of the second.  After dinner of the second wedding, we went back to the reception of the first wedding and danced and chatted with friends for a while.  So depending on times (and inclination) it is totally possible for them to attend both.

As far as head count, hopefully if their intent is to only attend the ceremony they would let you know that on their RSVP card.  If you get a yes from them, you may want to call and verify that they'll be there for both the ceremony and reception.

Lisa50

Invite everyone who you'd like to see at your wedding.  Accept, in your heart, that some people will not be there and let it be.