Quick vent

ali585

FMIL just called and asked if we could add four of her co-workers to our wedding guest list. However, myself, FI, FMIL and my parents agreed a couple of months ago that none of us are inviting people from work b/c we are at the max number of guests we can afford--you have to draw the line somewhere. Plus, our event space will be cramped if we add more--we're only a handful of people away from the max our venue holds.

I love my FMIL, but I can't help but feel a bit annoyed. Me, FI and my parents are paying for the wedding and she's not contributing a cent. This also isn't the first time she's called and tried to weasle in a few more guests.

Anyways, we told her no, listed the reasons above and she said OK. All is well for now! End vent.

betchinlegz

wow that seems a bit harsh. Maybe these work friends are really close with her. You shouldn't be so quick to judge.

parrothead84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_quick-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60eae65e-046f-468d-83cc-8276468796d5Post:b7a02b47-72d7-40a4-a69e-7460c6ba9e1d">Re: Quick vent</a>:
[QUOTE]wow that seems a bit harsh. Maybe these work friends are really close with her. You shouldn't be so quick to judge.
Posted by betchinlegz[/QUOTE]

OP's FMIL isn't contributing to the wedding. Therefore, OP is right to be annoyed.

betchinlegz

still she's judging which isn't nice.

parrothead84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_quick-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60eae65e-046f-468d-83cc-8276468796d5Post:4c180bd2-abc1-4dc7-a6c8-afbf7225bdf0">Re: Quick vent</a>:
[QUOTE]still she's judging which isn't nice.
Posted by betchinlegz[/QUOTE]

Wow. You clearly don't know the meaning of "judging." OP never said one thing about the co-workers, only that she and FI can't afford to host them.

betchinlegz

" This also isn't the first time she's called and tried to weasle in a few more guests"

I'm not saying she's judging the guests, she's judging her mother in law. "weasle in a few more guests"? Makes them sound like garbage. If it were a family member would the mom still be weasleing?

parrothead84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_quick-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60eae65e-046f-468d-83cc-8276468796d5Post:548746ae-50a2-4664-b3bd-ed395635a917">Re: Quick vent</a>:
[QUOTE]" This also isn't the first time she's called and tried to weasle in a few more guests" I'm not saying she's judging the guests, she's judging her mother in law. "weasle in a few more guests"? Makes them sound like garbage. If it were a family member would the mom still be weasleing?
Posted by betchinlegz[/QUOTE]

Aaand I'm done. OP, FWIW, I agree with you. And I'm sure 99% of the other Knotties would too.

littleluckypenny

I agree with OP too.  No contribution, no say.  Especially if the decision was made months ago to not add any more guests.

TaraMc728

We are at our max too, and there are people we like to invite, but do not have the space.  We have family members asking us to invite certain people, but for obvious reasons, we have to have a B List.

If the person is not contributing, then they should have no say.  My mother has been putting in the most imput on our wedding, but contributed the least of all.

gailpete

OP- you are right and FMIL should not be asking for more people

Betch-  a decision was made months ago by the people paying for the wedding how many people FMIL could invite, and she agreed.  By thrying to add more, particularly without offering the money to pay for them, I agree with the term weaseling.

Tara- don't have a B list, it is rude.

LeiselEB

I wouldn't go as far as to say that if you're not paying, you don't get any say - but I think OP has every right to be annoyed. Boundaries were set and agreed upon, and her FMIL wants to add people after the fact. I'd be annoyed, too.

TaraMc728

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_quick-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60eae65e-046f-468d-83cc-8276468796d5Post:783ad75e-ce66-4878-a4d0-6ca52e84d225">Re: Quick vent</a>:
[QUOTE] Tara- don't have a B list, it is rude.
Posted by gailpete[/QUOTE]
 

If you had any clue where I am coming from you would think twice posting that.  We are not even mentioning anything about our wedding to the people we are not inviting, due to various reasons.

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_quick-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60eae65e-046f-468d-83cc-8276468796d5Post:6c34a15c-4c9c-4282-9162-b99000a0bb16">Re: Quick vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Quick vent :   If you had any clue where I am coming from you would think twice posting that.  We are not even mentioning anything about our wedding to the people we are not inviting, due to various reasons.
Posted by TaraMc728[/QUOTE]

That's not a B list, that's just not inviting people you can't afford to invite, which is fine.

It IS rude to invite the people you didn't want to invite in the first place AFTER people you wanted there said they couldn't come. That's a B list and there is nothing appropriate or acceptable about it.

OP, it sounds like you set fair and clear boundaries. As long as you're letting FMIL invite her most important VIPs (family members and people your FI would also want there anyway), you're in the right here.

culturalrelativist

Just playing devil's advocate here, not my personal opinion... but one of the recent wedding magazines, might have even been the knot's suggested having a B list that you invite when your A list says no.   I'm sure people still have their own personal ideas of etiquette though, but if its making it into the magazines it must be accepted on some level?

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_quick-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60eae65e-046f-468d-83cc-8276468796d5Post:4c180bd2-abc1-4dc7-a6c8-afbf7225bdf0">Re: Quick vent</a>:
[QUOTE]still she's judging which isn't nice.
Posted by betchinlegz[/QUOTE]

<div>But wanting to hit your in-laws up for "duckets" and squeeze gifts out of people who aren't invited to your wedding through strategic "announcements" is nice?  Let's try tending to our own garden there, Betchin.</div>

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_quick-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60eae65e-046f-468d-83cc-8276468796d5Post:ce879278-c13f-4979-a14f-a2f03004adb4">Re: Quick vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Just playing devil's advocate here, not my personal opinion... but one of the recent wedding magazines, might have even been the knot's suggested having a B list that you invite when your A list says no.   I'm sure people still have their own personal ideas of etiquette though, but if its making it into the magazines it must be accepted on some level?
Posted by culturalrelativist[/QUOTE]

<div>Just because a magazine says it doesn't make it okay.  I could probably find you niche magazines that say all kinds of awful things are okay, but it doesn't actually mean it's okay.  B list = rude and hurtful.  If I was B-listed, and was then told "no, but TK Magazine said I could" I would feel exactly 0% better about being B-listed.  </div>

SB1512

I don't agree with b listing either but I had a wedding coordinator tell me the same thing: "pretty much everyone makes a b list these days since the economy tanked and you can't afford everyone you want". I dont agree but I was shocked to hear it from a well respected coordinator at a well known and upscale venue in my area

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_quick-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60eae65e-046f-468d-83cc-8276468796d5Post:a89a97a5-deda-44b4-a896-30b041a3d233">Re: Quick vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't agree with b listing either but I had a wedding coordinator tell me the same thing: "pretty much everyone makes a b list these days since the economy tanked and you can't afford everyone you want". I dont agree but I was shocked to hear it from a well respected coordinator at a well known and upscale venue in my area
Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

<div>Here's the thing - <em>if you have more guests the venue makes more money</em>.  Of COURSE the venue is going to tell you it's totally fine to have a B-list - they want you to fill the venue with as many people as possible, so they can charge you for all of those people.  If you invite 130 people and only 100 RSVP yes and you don't have a B-list, the venue only makes 100 plates' worth of income.  If you have a B-list, you're more likely to end up back at that 130 number (or even higher) and the venue's profits increase.  The coordinator is trying to make sure she squeezes every dollar she can out of you on behalf of her employer - she doesn't actually give a damn if you insult your family and friends.</div>

culturalrelativist

Personally I have no plans for a B-list, either I want them there badly enough or not, but as someone who has just jumped into the wedding planning process, it's hard to know what accepted etiquette is. It seems as though the Wedding Industry says one thing, wedding forum boards say another (even the universal etiquette vs. local etiquette gets confusing) , and everyone you know tells you to "do whatever makes you happy, its your day". I wasn't defending the practice of a B-list, just saying that it may be difficult for some to know what the etiquette is, especially when "official",  and I use that term loosely, sources tell you its okay.

StephBeanWed61502

Honestly - don't consider anyone who is trying to sell you anything an "official" source of wedding etiquette information (yes that includes TK in my book), and you won't have a problem sorting the good advice from the bad.

Oh, and the "it's your day" people are useless.  Don't listen to them either.  (They're trying to be nice, but nice =/= helpful.)

Cortney1982

Yup, I would be annoyed as hell.  If anything FMIL is being slightly rude.  You all agreed no more people, she isn't contributing and she feels she has the right to invite MORE after the agreement?!!! 

Also, I'd nix that B list.  Your already a few people away from maximum capacity and budget.  Like you said, you have to draw the line somewhere!

TaraMc728

No matter what you cannot please everyone.  It is not a b list per say, even though the knot has that option.  Everyone one my list is on list a.  there are people we wish we could invite, but due to space and budget we cannot.  we do not talk about it to others. plus the more people you tell, the more input you get.