how do i tell the bride that a DW and POTLUCK AHR are tacky? (edited title!!)

starrbuk13

i'm one of her BMs, and her latest is doing a DW and potluck AHR (with invitations and a BP and presents too!).  i've tried telling her nicely that it's tacky and she really should not do it.  she isn't listening.

aside from emailing her a link to this thread, how do i get the message across?

kikibaby

A DW and AHR in an of themselves are not tacky, but a potluck is (because if you expect a gift, you shouldn't expect food, too).  I don't know that you can really do much about it, other than offer your opinion.  Just let her know that you think the guests might enjoy the party more if they don't have to worry about bringing food.

baystateapple

Your title is really misleading.  DWs and AHRs alone are not tacky.

But what your friend is doing really is.  If you've already stated your opinion and she still won't listen, let it go.  It's not going to reflect on you.

pumpkinpumpkin

I don't think DWs are tacky. As a bride, you should expect a very small amount of people to want to come.

A potluck AHR - really distasteful, but I don't have any advice on how to get that across to her.

danieliza1127

I'm with the others.  A DW and AHR are not tacky, it's the potluck part that is tacky.  Maybe point her in the direction of reception etiquette about feeding and hosting your guests.

Is she just looking to save money or what?

Simply Fated

Try e-mailing her a link to a different, but similar, thread lol? Besides right out telling her or guiding her to find out for herself (like sending her here), there isn't many other ways to tell someone.

starrbuk13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-bride-dw-ahr-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:61a16452-b7af-46e8-b66d-f086f2fcc554Post:1e98aca2-5f92-40af-8453-d0ec9966ae6a">Re: how do i tell the bride that a DW and AHR are tacky?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm with the others.  A DW and AHR are not tacky, it's the potluck part that is tacky.  Maybe point her in the direction of reception etiquette about feeding and hosting your guests. Is she just looking to save money or what?
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

<div>ahh, forgot the word potluck in the post title!!!  will try to edit!! sorry about that!</div><div>
</div><div>and yes, she is just looking to save money.</div>

AdeleDazeem

Out of curiousity, why do you find the DW and AHR so tacky?

Aside from the potluck shenanigans.

danieliza1127

I would encourage her to do some research on other ways to save money.  There's a Budget Brides board here that would probably be really helpful.  She could just pick up big trays of sandwiches, fruit, and veggies from Wal-mart or Sam's Club or something.  Anything is better than asking guests who weren't even invited to the actual wedding to bring food to the reception. 

starrbuk13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-bride-dw-ahr-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:61a16452-b7af-46e8-b66d-f086f2fcc554Post:f8fe901f-9da9-4cd1-91c2-b3633e421a60">Re: how do i tell the bride that a DW and AHR are tacky?</a>:
[QUOTE]Out of curiousity, why do you find the DW and AHR so tacky? Aside from the potluck shenanigans.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>i don't necessarily think they are.  but i think asking your guests to bring food AND presents to your AHR is tacky.</div>

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-bride-dw-ahr-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:61a16452-b7af-46e8-b66d-f086f2fcc554Post:8d32a05f-fc85-4e76-8e0e-1ae874347e17">Re: how do i tell the bride that a DW and AHR are tacky?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how do i tell the bride that a DW and AHR are tacky? : i don't necessarily think they are.  but i think asking your guests to bring food AND presents to your AHR is tacky.
Posted by starrbuk13[/QUOTE]

That makes sense!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

This won't totally solve the problem, but can you and some of the other BMs offer to pick up food as a "gift" to her? Like act as mini caterers? Then get some Costco trays or giant subway subs and tell her it's under control - so she doesn't have to ask anyone else to do it. Or talk to her mom about cheap ways to cater?

banana468

Could you tell her that it's not even the "tacky" word but that this is a bad idea for a few reasons:

1) It's just not nice to tell people that you're hosting when you're not offering anything - particularly when you didn't invite them to the wedding.  To tell them to bring something can just irritate people.

2) It's really hard to coordinate this stuff.  Will she have warming trays, cold baths, etc for all of this?   How does she ensure that she doesn't get 25 potato salads??  You can't exactly say, "You're in charge of the beef" since that's a pricier item to do.

3) What if people just don't bring enough, don't bring what they said they'd bring, or don't show??

4) Who is in charge of setting all this up?  Who is she expecting to "work" the party? That person would not have a lot of time being a guest.

5) Do you think it's nice to even THINK that you'll get gifts when people will be spending hours of their time cooking for your party?  Their time and effort and money on food is a HUGE gift.

So yeah - aside from the thread, I'd ask her those questions and then start seeing ways to do an AHR that she can actually afford.

amlaplante

The word tacky seems so over used.

cengle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-bride-dw-ahr-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:61a16452-b7af-46e8-b66d-f086f2fcc554Post:012a3a43-624b-46c6-b4ab-baac14cc8b59">Re: how do i tell the bride that a DW and POTLUCK AHR are tacky? (edited title!!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Could you tell her that it's not even the "tacky" word but that this is a bad idea for a few reasons: 1) It's just not nice to tell people that you're hosting when you're not offering anything - particularly when you didn't invite them to the wedding.  To tell them to bring something can just irritate people. 2) It's really hard to coordinate this stuff.  Will she have warming trays, cold baths, etc for all of this?   How does she ensure that she doesn't get 25 potato salads??  You can't exactly say, "You're in charge of the beef" since that's a pricier item to do. 3) What if people just don't bring enough, don't bring what they said they'd bring, or don't show?? 4) Who is in charge of setting all this up?  Who is she expecting to "work" the party? That person would not have a lot of time being a guest. 5) Do you think it's nice to even THINK that you'll get gifts when people will be spending hours of their time cooking for your party?  Their time and effort and money on food is a HUGE gift. So yeah - aside from the thread, I'd ask her those questions and then start seeing ways to do an AHR that she can actually afford.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

THIS.  If you just tell her "it's tacky to do this," she may just be getting defensive and not really listening to you.  Some of these points may make her think a little more about the dynamics.  You could also mention that some people may be picky about knowing where their food comes from, or that if things don't get heated or chilled properly, people may get sick.

banana468

Exactly cengle.  That's why I bring up the heated and cooled food and control of what you have.

And now that I'm pregnant, I'm REALLY picky about what I'm eating.  At least when it's done by professionals I can trust it.

starrbuk13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-bride-dw-ahr-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:61a16452-b7af-46e8-b66d-f086f2fcc554Post:012a3a43-624b-46c6-b4ab-baac14cc8b59">Re: how do i tell the bride that a DW and POTLUCK AHR are tacky? (edited title!!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Could you tell her that it's not even the "tacky" word but that this is a bad idea for a few reasons: 1) It's just not nice to tell people that you're hosting when you're not offering anything - particularly when you didn't invite them to the wedding.  To tell them to bring something can just irritate people. 2) It's really hard to coordinate this stuff.  Will she have warming trays, cold baths, etc for all of this?   How does she ensure that she doesn't get 25 potato salads??  You can't exactly say, "You're in charge of the beef" since that's a pricier item to do. 3) What if people just don't bring enough, don't bring what they said they'd bring, or don't show?? 4) Who is in charge of setting all this up?  Who is she expecting to "work" the party? That person would not have a lot of time being a guest. 5) Do you think it's nice to even THINK that you'll get gifts when people will be spending hours of their time cooking for your party?  Their time and effort and money on food is a HUGE gift. So yeah - aside from the thread, I'd ask her those questions and then start seeing ways to do an AHR that she can actually afford.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>ahhhh those are excellent points!!  this is the kind of thing i was looking for...i don't want to just say "hey bride, don't do it that's tacky."  thanks banana!

</div>

AmoroAgain

My sister had a potluck reception.  It was horrible.  Not enough food was brought, so people left very quickly.  I tried to wait until most people had gone through because I knew there wasn't enough- and by that time, there wasn't any.  My H and I had to leave because I was starving. 

Lisa8888

What is "DW and potluck AHR"?

It sounds like the bride doesn't intend on providing food and drink to her guests and expects her guests to bring food and drink. That is the craziest thing I have ever heard. That is beyond tacky.