Wedding Etiquette Forum

Who pays for what?

Traditionally, parents help pay for the wedding. But how much really, especially now in days, do most parents help out? I have a very small wedding, and the entire wedding (ceremony, reception, and food) would cost around 2,500. Of course other expenses would double that, like the rings and the dress, etc. Our parents aren't excited about our wedding, point blank, thus, haven't made any contributions, though, to be honest, my family has a large portion of money. Is it rude to ask?! Help!Frown

Re: Who pays for what?

  • people can offer to help you pay for your wedding but i think it's rude to downright ask.  
  • You pay for your wedding, and then if someone else offers and you feel comfortable letting that person contribute, then so be it.

    Married in Vegas - June 2011


  • Yes, it's rude to ask, regardless of their financial situation.  If they want to contribute, they'll ask you about it.
  • It depends on how much they love you.
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  • Let's be honest. 

    Most girls would ask their own parents about money for a wedding without thinking twice.  Sure, it's a little rude, but I bet you 80% of the girls on this board initiated the money discussion.
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  • You plan wedding YOU can pay for. Anything anyone else gives is extra. Asking for anything is rude.

    @ myother1...I am so happy I am not in that 80%.
    And the whole time, my future husband was in the room...... image image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pays-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62b833b0-eebb-4d39-97ee-ce15ae39967ePost:427a4c30-c7b4-4055-9bb6-1de804749949">Re: Who pays for what?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Let's be honest.  Most girls would ask their own parents about money for a wedding without thinking twice.  Sure, it's a little rude, but I bet you 80% of the girls on this board initiated the money discussion.
    Posted by myother1[/QUOTE]


    I actually think a large amount of women on here paid for their weddings themselves. 
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  • My Mom told me when we got engaged that she had set aside some money to help out with our wedding.  So when it came time to plan, I asked her how much she had in mind so I could budget.  It turned out to be MUCH less than I anticipated, but I was still very thankful and we worked with it.  My H's parents never mentioned money to us at all, so we just planned like they weren't going to give us any.  When the wedding came closer, they said they would pay for the RD and the alcohol at the reception, which we again really appreciated.  So all in all, we ended up paying for the bigger chunk of the wedding ourselves with some help from each set of parents.

    If your parents or his don't offer to help, then don't expect them to.  They don't owe it you guys to help pay for your wedding.  Have the wedding the two of you can afford and if either set of parents decides to chip in, great!
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  • You definitely can't ask.  My father specifically asked me what was expected of him financially and I told him nothing was expected and that it is his decision if he wants to contribute.  He then offered some $. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pays-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62b833b0-eebb-4d39-97ee-ce15ae39967ePost:0f0a6e98-ff4a-496f-8614-b0aea919fd0b">Re: Who pays for what?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who pays for what? : I actually think a large amount of women on here paid for their weddings themselves. 
    Posted by arbolita[/QUOTE]

    Sure!  I'm one of those women, too.  But many people neglect to extend steadfast etiquette to their immediate family. 
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  • You have to pay for the wedding unless someone offers. Don't ask for help. If your parents want to help they will offer. Asking, and then maybe being told "NO" would be awkward for everyone involved.

    Myother- My mother is paying a large sum of money towards our wedding, but I never would have asked if she had not handed me the money. I accepted it after making sure she really wanted to use the money on me and not on herself, but if she had not offered, Fi and I would have paid for the whole thing ourselves.

    We also did not mention anything to his parents about money, but as we were planning the rehearsal dinner, his mom sent a check to the place without our knowledge. We had no clue they were even offering.

    So I wouldn't feel comfortable asking my parents, and I don't think they are obligated to pay for their child's wedding.
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  • You and your fiance pay for it all, unless someone else offers.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pays-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62b833b0-eebb-4d39-97ee-ce15ae39967ePost:2ea9d868-a8de-42ad-ab7a-da9fdaecbcc8">Re: Who pays for what?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You have to pay for the wedding unless someone offers. Don't ask for help. If your parents want to help they will offer. Asking, and then maybe being told "NO" would be awkward for everyone involved. Myother- My mother is paying a large sum of money towards our wedding, but I never would have asked if she had not handed me the money. I accepted it after making sure she really wanted to use the money on me and not on herself, but if she had not offered, Fi and I would have paid for the whole thing ourselves. We also did not mention anything to his parents about money, but as we were planning the rehearsal dinner, his mom sent a check to the place without our knowledge. We had no clue they were even offering. So I wouldn't feel comfortable asking my parents, and I don't think they are obligated to pay for their child's wedding.
    Posted by mags0607[/QUOTE]

    Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not saying that parents are obligated to pay for a child's wedding, nor did I say that <em>everyone</em> asked their parents for money.  If you didn't, great.  Just an observation, not a value judgement. 
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  • "But how much really, especially now in days, do most parents help out?"

    How much are our parents giving us?  $0.  We are paying for the wedding, rehearsal dinner and all other activities ourselves.  No one offered, we didn't ask.  I think our parents are planning on giving us some money as a present (for furniture actually) but we never expected them to help us and we never asked them to help us.  It is rude to expect or ask your parents for money.  If you can't pay for the wedding yourself, get married at the courthouse.
  • I don't want to pull any 1950's "Kristin#'s" mumbo jumbo out, but my family is definitely of the school of thought that the parents of the bride at least contribute.

    The subject of money was brought up by my mom the night that we got engaged.  Granted, they aren't paying for it 100% (or even 50%), but they are definitely contibuting.  Similarly, Matt's parents brought it up when we came to visit them a few weeks ago.  They assumed that they would be giving us money and paying for the rehearsal dinner (which is traditional).  I did actually ask my dad about money *GASP*, but I knew that he would be contributing due to his constant joke about it.  When my third brother was born, he informed me, "Well Anne, now you can have the wedding of your dreams, since you're the only girl."  Again, it's not a huge sum, but it's something.  That's just how my family works.

    However, if your parents don't seem excited about it, I don't think that asking for money is the correct route to go. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pays-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62b833b0-eebb-4d39-97ee-ce15ae39967ePost:427a4c30-c7b4-4055-9bb6-1de804749949">Re: Who pays for what?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Let's be honest.  Most girls would ask their own parents about money for a wedding without thinking twice.  Sure, it's a little rude, but I bet you 80% of the girls on this board initiated the money discussion.
    Posted by myother1[/QUOTE]

    From the various polls I've read only half the women here seem to have any help paying for their wedding.  I highly doubt most of them <em>asked. </em>
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    My Bio Updated 4/6/10
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pays-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62b833b0-eebb-4d39-97ee-ce15ae39967ePost:427a4c30-c7b4-4055-9bb6-1de804749949">Re: Who pays for what?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Let's be honest.  Most girls would ask their own parents about money for a wedding without thinking twice.  Sure, it's a little rude, but I bet you 80% of the girls on this board initiated the money discussion.
    Posted by myother1[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Not I!  

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pays-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62b833b0-eebb-4d39-97ee-ce15ae39967ePost:427a4c30-c7b4-4055-9bb6-1de804749949">Re: Who pays for what?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Let's be honest.  Most girls would ask their own parents about money for a wedding without thinking twice.  Sure, it's a little rude, but I bet you 80% of the girls on this board initiated the money discussion.
    Posted by myother1[/QUOTE]
    I didn't. And that was before TK. I started planning (rather, getting ideas about what we wanted) with a budget that FI and I could swing alone. Then my mom told me she and my dad would like to pay for the majority of it.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • Okay, okay.  You guys win.  I'll lower my estimation to 50%.  ;)
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  • edited July 2010
    Nope, neither FI nor myself have asked our parents for money. The only time I would approach them about money would be in a dire emergency - such as a catastrophic medical event or a job loss resulting in potentially getting evicted from our home - not so I can throw myself an unecessary party.

    My father has not offered anything, which does not surprise me in the least. I'm thankful he's actually paying for plane tickets and hotel rooms to get himself to the wedding. My mother has mentioned trying to reimburse me for my dress and accessories (veil, crinoline, etc). If not, whatever, I already paid for everything myself. FI's parents mentioned contributing what the groom's family normally pays for. Which they aren't really sure about, but they know they definitely want to pay for the RD. But again, if they don't, we'll work something out on our own.

    FI and I have separate accounts, which works well for us. Frankly, I have more in savings than he does, and I'm paying for about 70% of the wedding by myself.

    Both sets of parents helped us pay for college and, you know, raised us to adulthood. And did a pretty good job. So we're thankful for their contributions to our lives.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pays-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62b833b0-eebb-4d39-97ee-ce15ae39967ePost:daba3eb2-d860-45f6-9f7b-0b330ee70d95">Re: Who pays for what?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It depends on how much they love you.
    Posted by arbolita[/QUOTE]
    Thats BS!! How dare you say something like that!
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker White Knot
  • IMO, okay to ask for money if you can't make a house payment or whatever.  Asking for money for a wedding they don't support- not okay!

    Do people on TK initiate the money conversation with their parents?... probably.  Is it inappropriate?.. yes!  Both his parents and mine initiated the conversation early in the planning process.  The ONLY time it is acceptable to ask for help is if they insist on inviting a ton of people you can't afford to host.  I think this is the only situation where it is okay to let them know that if they want to invite those people, they will have to help contribute financially.

    You can ask them.. but, IMO, it is not a good reflection of you.  This may strengthen your parent's view about whether or not you are ready to be married.
  • edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pays-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62b833b0-eebb-4d39-97ee-ce15ae39967ePost:8179bbc4-0e58-41fb-a943-0b6a84acd496">Re: Who pays for what?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't want to pull any 1950's "Kristin#'s" mumbo jumbo out, but my family is definitely of the school of thought that the parents of the bride at least contribute.
    Posted by MattsPenguin[/QUOTE]

    So what if one of your brothers marries a girl whose family doesn't feel the same way? Will your parents be upset?


    Edit: I also wonder when people say that their parents talked to their FI's parents about money... what if one set of parents doesn't WANT to contribute? How awkward. "So, how much were you thinking about giving Tim and Jane for the wedding? We're paying for the food and alcohol." "Uh, we weren't planning on paying for anything."
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  • MattsPenguinMattsPenguin member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pays-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62b833b0-eebb-4d39-97ee-ce15ae39967ePost:714fec6c-86d6-4a70-9142-ee8d0b24688d">Re: Who pays for what?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who pays for what? : So what if one of your brothers marries a girl whose family doesn't feel the same way? Will your parents be upset? Edit: I also wonder when people say that their parents talked to their FI's parents about money... what if one set of parents doesn't WANT to contribute? How awkward. "So, how much were you thinking about giving Tim and Jane for the wedding? We're paying for the food and alcohol." "Uh, we weren't planning on paying for anything."
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    Oh, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean it come off that way.  In fact my brother is getting married three months after me and her parents are probably not going to be helping too much if at all.  So my mom has stated multiple times that the amount she gives me will depend on how much my brother needs.  She sees it as only fair.  I totally agree.

    What I really should have said was "Well I'm a spoiled little girl!"  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pays-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62b833b0-eebb-4d39-97ee-ce15ae39967ePost:581a4841-c9fa-4a83-a164-e28df9480a6b">Re: Who pays for what?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who pays for what? : Thats BS!! How dare you say something like that!
    Posted by sheenammeder[/QUOTE]


    ........
    Married 10/2/10
  • Very interesting to read everyones opinions. We went into planning knowing that my parents would contribute something (they never mentioned it, it was just understood I guess) and that his parents would contribute nothing (financial reasons). After looking at venues of varying price ranges and showing all the information to my dad to see if he had preferences based on prices, etc. he just came up with an amount and told us to do what we want with it. We are using it to cover most of the food and paying for the rest ourselves.  I know everyone here says don't ask and it's rude. However, I really think that depends on the relationship, family dynamics, etc. My mother said just keep him in the loop and he'll eventually tell you what he wants to spend..which he did. I have to agree with myother1 here. I don't think it's terribly rude to ask in all instances.
  • Thanks for all the help girls. It's really nice to read different opinions. I guess I didn't know! To be honest, the last two family weddings we had for my cousins were $100,000 + and were paid for by the parents. Unfortunately, I am not the only girl in the family and my parents also aren't a fan of my fiancee! They haven't mentioned it so I shouldn't assume. I agree that I really should do it myself to gain alittle respect for the two of us! 
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