Wedding Etiquette Forum

Mother Issues

I have been having the worst time with my mother in terms of weddng planning. She seems to more concerned with the flower-girl in my wedding than me. I initially thought I was being childish and hypersensitive. However, events in the past couple of months has reinforced this belief. My flower-girl is my brother's daughter and 4 years old. My mother showed up to my first dress fitting 45 minutes late (no explanation), talked to me for five minutes, and then proceeded to walk around the bridal salon looking for a dress for niece. The dress came in recently and is too small for my niece. My mother has called me for the past few days complaining about how small the dress is. She paid for the dress so I am perplexed as to what she wants me to do. In addition to this, my mother is upset with my choice for the flowergirl's bouquet-a pomander (a "flower ball"). She envisioned my niece walking down the aisle throwing rose petals everywhere. Also, I had my last fitting this week, and my 'maids all live in a different state. When I asked her to come so she could learn how to do the bustle, she said she couldn't. However, she was at the mall across from my bridal salon shopping with you guessed it, my 4 year old niece and her mother. I should also mention the my niece is little devil in the making; she is very aware that she is the center of attention. My niece even told me that she "was going to be prettier than me" on my wedding day (not making that up but someone coached her on that one). I have already tried talking to my mom; she became hysterical and shut down.  I could go on and on about the things that have happened in the last couple of months. I feel like I am in some dysfunctional passive-aggressive cycle. Suggestions for how to cope with the big day?

Re: Mother Issues

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:649a4a7f-ba4e-4e5e-b879-7d9ed743533aPost:df6bd2f1-2562-4ab1-8fa3-7518cd9892c3">Mother Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have been having the worst time with my mother in terms of weddng planning. She seems to more concerned with the flower-girl in my wedding than me. I initially thought I was being childish and hypersensitive. However, events in the past couple of months has reinforced this belief. My flower-girl is my brother's daughter and 4 years old. My mother showed up to my first dress fitting 45 minutes late (no explanation), talked to me for five minutes, and then proceeded to walk around the bridal salon looking for a dress for niece. The dress came in recently and is too small for my niece. My mother has called me for the past few days complaining about how small the dress is. She paid for the dress so I am perplexed as to what she wants me to do. In addition to this, my mother is upset with my choice for the flowergirl's bouquet-a pomander (a "flower ball"). She envisioned my niece walking down the aisle throwing rose petals everywhere. Also, I had my last fitting this week, and my 'maids all live in a different state. When I asked her to come so she could learn how to do the bustle, she said she couldn't. However, she was at the mall across from my bridal salon shopping with you guessed it, my 4 year old niece and her mother. I should also mention the my niece is little devil in the making; she is very aware that she is the center of attention. My niece even told me that she "was going to be prettier than me" on my wedding day (not making that up but someone coached her on that one). I have already tried talking to my mom; she became hysterical and shut down.  I could go on and on about the things that have happened in the last couple of months. I feel like I am in some dysfunctional passive-aggressive cycle. Suggestions for how to cope with the big day?
    Posted by ChristinaP9[/QUOTE]

    Well, if your mother is handling the neice's dress, then I don't understand the issue. What is the issue? Your niece is being a little drama queen & your mom is playing into it?

    If you stop playing into the drama, it will go away. Get a bottle of wine & make yourself a bubble bath. Stop letting it get to you.

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  • Look, you cannot control your mom's behaviour.  You can only control your reaction to it.

    Let it go, drink some wine.  


  • This is why I "just say no" to children in weddings.

    Sorry, that was no help. I agree with PP on the wine and bubble bath. Plus maybe some cheese, too.
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  • I know the conversation started off as usual-about my niece. She was explaining that she had bought a shirt that said "flower-girl" for her so she could wear it to my bridal shower. I then asked her why she was late the day of my fitting; she gave some excuse that the power had gone out at my brother's house, and she felt she should "stick around" until it came back on. She then proceeded to tell me that I wasn't acting like myself the past several weeks; I was being too emotional and overly sensitive. She didn't speak to me for a few days. Things were very awkward in the weeks after that. If we talk about my wedding, it is usually about my niece or her parents (who are attendants in the wedding). She seems very consumed with everyone's feelings but mine.
  • mmm....cheese.

    *goes to find cheese*

    this is what i get for kui.
  • Actually, all of your advice is great!!! Wine is perfect for this situation:) But seriously, thank you for your input.
  • Seriously, and i'm not just saying this because i'm drunk.

    Moms is crazy, don't take her shizz to heart.  just don't worry about her damage and just chill out about it.
  • Don't talk to her about the wedding, unless you have to. Do the things you need to do yourself or with friends, if they are willing. When she brings up your niece's dress or anything else to do with the niece, respond with a non-committal comment and change the subject.  I'm sorry the dress is too small, what did you have for lunch?  I don't know why the dress shop isn't more helpful, what's Dad up to today?  Don't play in to her games and don't discuss anything with her that you don't have to.
  • Call your officiant and ask for a meeting with you, FI, MOB, FOB, MOG, FOG.  Tell the parents that this is the usual family meeting with the officiant before the wedding.  And at that meeting, your officiant will cover all the points about how the family must get centered on the real reason and foundation for this wedding, and how sometimes family gets caught up in things like dresses and flowers, but right now, that must change, etc.

  • Edie, remind me tomorrow to  PM you.  I think I need to pump your brain for info but I'm too tired now.

    Had visiting knottie all week and I'm beat!
  • Avion22Avion22 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited January 2012
    If she's a "devil in the making" then why did you want her to be your flower girl?    

    Anyway, I agree with the others.  Ignore your mom and don't let her draw you into the drama.  Just do your thing and let her do hers.  YOU know that the focus of the wedding is your upcoming MARRIAGE and that dresses and flowers are minor points.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:649a4a7f-ba4e-4e5e-b879-7d9ed743533aPost:950f18e6-e2c3-426a-96e4-2e64b7d96058">Re: Mother Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]Call your officiant and ask for a meeting with you, FI, MOB, FOB, MOG, FOG.  Tell the parents that this is the usual family meeting with the officiant before the wedding.  And at that meeting, your officiant will cover all the points about how the family must get centered on the real reason and foundation for this wedding, and how sometimes family gets caught up in things like dresses and flowers, but right now, that must change, etc.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    Really?  You are only person who ever posts about taking everything to the officiant.  You are the only person who ever posts about some "usual meeting" with the parents and couple.  This only happens in your 1950's time warp.  People handle their issues Kristin.  They don't run to the officiant because of things like this - they put their big people panties on and handle it.
  • I know it is probably very upsetting to have it seem like your mom is more invested in the flowergirl than you as the bride and her daughter. Have you stopped to ask her if maybe something is going on with her personally that she does not want you to know? Something un-wedding related? The reason I ask is when I got engaged both of my parents started acting very strange and I never felt like I had their support, I was confused by this because they love my fiance. Well, eventually (like 9 months after I got engaged) my parents announced that they were getting a divorce. They initally wanted to wait until after the wedding but I wanted a long engagement so they needed to procede with their plans. It must be hard feeling like your mom is not invested in your wedding plans but there could be underlying issues. How was the wedding she had? Is she a shy person? Is she helping financially and maybe she is helping more than she can but she feels pressure to help? Just questions to think about.
  • OP, it really is not normal to be this jealous or concerned over how much attention your mom is giving a four year old .  It sounds like you've got some mom issues that go deeper than just the wedding.  I mean this in the nicest way. I just think that maybe talking these feelings out with a therapist might help you work through some of these feelings.  

    I could be totally off base. That's just my read on the situation. 
  • I can only imagine how you feel in this situation, especially dealing with your own mother (as opposed to a future mother in law). I understand how tough it is to keep emotions from flying too high.

    I would suggest writing 2 letters that you won't email or send her (when people read things off a screen or page they can put any tone on it that they want)  but to help you cope. In the first letter, you lash out completely and tear her to shreds and tell her what a momzilla she is being. Then write a completely rational letter to her where you calmly explain to her why her actions are bothering you. Explain to her that the wedding is supposed to be about you and your fiance, not the flower girl and that you love your mother and your niece and want them to be comfortable. But that you think they need to calm down about the dress and the bouquet. Remind her that you are the decision maker about the flowers, not her.

    Then proceed to destroy evidence of the first letter. Call your mom on the phone (in person might be too much pressure) and have this discussion whilst referring to the letter as needed. Make sure to cover all your points and qualms.

    I'd say the most important part would be to express your love because if she feels  that you're trying to control her, she won't respond as well.

    I don't know much about your mother and your relationship with her but I hope that you two can come to an agreement.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:649a4a7f-ba4e-4e5e-b879-7d9ed743533aPost:9bbf9b45-0efa-4b85-b578-b2b13d70eb44">Re: Mother Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP, it really is not normal to be this jealous or concerned over how much attention your mom is giving a four year old .  It sounds like you've got some mom issues that go deeper than just the wedding.  I mean this in the nicest way. I just think that maybe talking these feelings out with a therapist might help you work through some of these feelings.   I could be totally off base. That's just my read on the situation. 
    Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

    I think there is something else deeper going on, too, because I had a similar issue when I first got engaged. My sister had just had her second son, and every single time I brought up the wedding, the subject was abruptly changed back to my nephews and my sister. But then it dawned on me--of course everyone is focusing on my nephew--he was just born! And I am extremely close to my nephews (they are pretty much the center of my world), and I talk about them nonstop, so why would I be upset that my family feels the same way? Then I realized I felt left out not because I wanted everyone to talk about my wedding, but because my mom really, really wants me to have a baby ASAP, and I want to wait at least three years after the wedding. I felt like I wasn't going to measure up by "just" getting married.

    I'm not saying you absolutely would not feel this way in a normal situation, but maybe just use some time to figure out of there is a deeper reason you feel this way. Is there some resentment or competition between you and your sister? Has your mom always put you last? And if the answer to those questions is NO, then I would stick with cheese and wine. :)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:649a4a7f-ba4e-4e5e-b879-7d9ed743533aPost:9bbf9b45-0efa-4b85-b578-b2b13d70eb44">Re: Mother Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP, it really is not normal to be this jealous or concerned over how much attention your mom is giving a four year old .  It sounds like you've got some mom issues that go deeper than just the wedding.  I mean this in the nicest way. I just think that maybe talking these feelings out with a therapist might help you work through some of these feelings.   I could be totally off base. That's just my read on the situation. 
    Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

    <div>I don't think it's jealously, so much as frustration with the situation. All of her bridesmaids are out of town and she needed her mom to step up and help by learning how to do the bustle. But her mom couldn't leave her very important lunch at the mall to come to the appointment? That would really hurt me too. </div>
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  • If your mom is anything like my MIL, I get it. It's like her own sons don't matter, everything is about the grandkids. Has she always given your niece so much attention? If so, I would try to not take it so personally.
  • I think you should try to talk to her, and after that talk is over, let it go.  Focus on what you know needs to be done, and try not to think about all the flower girl drama.
  • I have to say I like the "change the subject" advice.  One way to cope is by not discussing anything wedding related with her.  Use your MOH as your sounding board for everything you would talk about with your Mom.  As for the niece situation, if your Mom ordered and paid for the dress then she can call the salon and deal with it.  I don't know what you have in mind for your flowers, but if your Mom wants niece to sprinkle rose petals then tell her to call your florist with the change and pay the difference.  If you don't want to walk on rose petals then stick to your guns and tell your Mom niece is carrying a pomander and that's final.
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