awkward conversation?

UKgal321

If your FMIL asks what to wear then you can give her advise, otherwise leave it alone.  My FMIL gave us a call a couple weeks ago saying she couldn't find a dress that matched our wedding colors.  No one told her she needed to match the wedding colors (some people have their own rules on what to wear).  I told her she can wear whatever she wants.  She can wear a flamingo on her shirt as long as she's comfortable.  I told her my mom was wearing a purple dress to see if it would help her and basically dress comfortably with presenting yourself well!

Meegles4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-conversation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:64f1579b-4ff8-4733-904b-00fc300d8469Post:0a9e9921-4da2-41c4-8a9a-3fdb0188dedd">Re: awkward conversation?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: awkward conversation? : As someone whose BIL (who was an usher) showed up in jeans and who's FIL (who escorted the MOB down the aisle and lit the unity candle) wore overalls, I can tell you that on your wedding day you will be too happy/busy/excited to give two shiits, and no one else will think it reflects badly on you (though others will talk, be assured).  My guess is that if this is how your FMIL dresses normally for weddings and wedding related things, <strong>it probably wasn't so much being underdressed at your shower that made her uncomfortable as the fact that it was apparently much more formal than she is used to.</strong>  Talking to her about her attire will only make it that much worse at your wedding, I promise. ETA:  And while my wedding was an afternoon wedding at a country chapel, no it was not THAT casual.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

This is a great way to put this. I'm thinking of a friend of mine who got married and was really concerned about what her FMIL was going to wear. (She didn't say anything TO the FMIL, though). In that case, I think the issues were that FMIL had some insecurity issues, and also tended to dress more casually in general. She was also a person who wasn't really comfortable in more "formal" situations. So, no matter what, I don't think she would have chosen a different outfit or dressed outside her comfort zone to fit the event.

Leave it be. As a PP said, if she asks what your mom is wearing, you could describe the dress or show a pic. But don't actively bring this up.

kimandjosh22

Thank you all for your input.  I just wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. 

crnflkgirl75

To be honest, I was upset when H's family didn't dress appropriately for our semi-formal wedding. I felt like they didn't feel our wedding was important enough to make an effort for, and I was embarrassed for them when everyone else was dressed in suits (guests and family on my side) while they wore khaki's and short sleeve shirts. I didn't make a stink though, and I got over it.

m_reagle

Ok here's my take on it...and don't worry, Kim, about making friends.  These women are just giving their opinions.  Take everything on here with a grain of salt.

But back to the issue at hand:

My FIL is a very backwoods kinda guy who lives in jeans and camo.  When we told him that everyone was wearing a tux, he put up a stink about it.  I let my fiance handle it by saying to his dad, "Dad, this is a very special day for us and it would mean a lot to us if you'd wear a tux."  He asked if he could wear cowboy boots and a hat, and we said yes of course.  A few weeks later, MIL asked what color I would like her in.  I told her anything would be great other than blue because my mother had already bought a dress in a deep bright blue color.  Well of course she goes and buys a blue and black pant suit.  Haha, sometimes you just can't win.  When it boils down to it.  You can gently suggest things but don't demand.  You can offer to go shopping with them, add them into the suit rental number, but in the end don't worry about it if they decide to wear whatever they want to wear.  Let your fiance handle it.  It's his family.  It's one arrangement that my husband and I will always have.  We will deal with issues in our own sides of the family.  You don't need to be putting yourself into the middle and then they end up hating the bride.  Not worth it. 

brittneyh4

I'm surprised people actually worry about this. FMIL just emailed me asking what I want her to wear (pants/capris or would a dress be okay, any specific color or is black appropriate as she found a LBD she loved). My response? "Whatever you want as long as you're comfortable." I included that it's assumed to be hot but we will be under the trees, so it will have shade.

I would be irritated if I wasn't in the BP and the bride tried to dictate what I would be wearing.

kimandjosh22

I do not want to dictate what she wears, however, we're looking for this to be a semi-formal event and I was wondering if there might be a way I could provide some guidance.  For example we have told most of our guests that spike heals are not a good idea because the reception is tented in a field.

RailWayWife

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-conversation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:64f1579b-4ff8-4733-904b-00fc300d8469Post:ee3539d9-1b09-4f15-b4b2-0391a94d9806">Re: awkward conversation?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to awkward conversation? : Bingo.  They're adults and they can dress themselves.  If they dress inappropriately for the situation then it reflects on them.
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]


This

kimandjosh22

its just interesting to me because FMIL used to do wedding photography...and talks about sticking inappropreately dressed people behind other in photos....so I guess i say nothing and if it is actually an issue the photographer should know what to do.

chumlee7478

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-conversation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:64f1579b-4ff8-4733-904b-00fc300d8469Post:474f927b-98ba-4d70-a98e-61aa6ef58b5e">Re: awkward conversation?</a>:
[QUOTE]I do not want to dictate what she wears, however, <strong>we're looking for this to be a semi-formal event and I was wondering if there might be a way I could provide some guidance</strong>.  For example we have told most of our guests that spike heals are not a good idea because the reception is tented in a field.
Posted by kimandjosh22[/QUOTE]

You can't tell anyone what to wear, bottom line.  A girl I worked with put "wedding appropriate attire" as the requirement on her wedding website.  Why she did it, we have no idea.  One of our friends said she was wearing her own wedding dress to the wedding, since that was her definition of "wedding appropriate attire".  Be careful what you say and wish for, because people can take it in  a way you don't intend.

kimandjosh22

People also send out invitations that say dress is "black-tie formal" and I would certainly want some guidance if I were invited to a wedding requiring that.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-conversation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:64f1579b-4ff8-4733-904b-00fc300d8469Post:b7b09fa4-2250-4e64-8adc-7243f5e984a0">Re: awkward conversation?</a>:
[QUOTE]People also send out invitations that say dress is "black-tie formal" and I would certainly want some guidance if I were invited to a wedding requiring that.
Posted by kimandjosh22[/QUOTE]

Black or white tie are literally the only time it's appropriate to specify a dress code on an invitation. But I've found that a fair number of people that think they're having a black-tie affair honestly aren't.

Meegles4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-conversation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:64f1579b-4ff8-4733-904b-00fc300d8469Post:032e7cbf-c657-4964-aa28-60de268a8380">Re: awkward conversation?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: awkward conversation? : You can't tell anyone what to wear, bottom line.  A girl I worked with put "wedding appropriate attire" as the requirement on her wedding website.  Why she did it, we have no idea.  One of our friends said she was wearing her own wedding dress to the wedding, since that was her definition of "<strong>wedding appropriate attire</strong>".  Be careful what you say and wish for, because people can take it in  a way you don't intend.
Posted by chumlee7478[/QUOTE]

That's really lame. My extended family lives in Nebraska, and for many of them, wedding appropriate attire would be jeans. For me, it's a cocktail dress. Talk about varied interpretations.

OP, "black tie formal" is appropriate wording to put on a invitation when the wedding is black tie. This means men wear tuxes and ladies wear formal gowns. Think prom, but -- ya know -- classier.

kimandjosh22

i've also been invited to "picnics" that are more semiformal events (guys in bow-ties servng drinks and passed hor d'oevres and all).  Perhaps i'm placing my own fear of dressing inappropreately onto other people.

UKgal321

On my wedding website I let guests know the wedding is on the beach, in the sand, under the sun.  And this should be taken into consideration when picking out clothing and shoes.  I wanted everyone to be aware of the set up so they can be comfortable.

If you are very concerned about it put on the website business casual attire appreciated

kimandjosh22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-conversation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:64f1579b-4ff8-4733-904b-00fc300d8469Post:c702f89c-0411-4953-9ea4-7fedc95bfbdd">Re: awkward conversation?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: awkward conversation? : That's really lame. My extended family lives in Nebraska, and for many of them, wedding appropriate attire would be jeans. For me, it's a cocktail dress. Talk about varied interpretations. OP, "black tie formal" is appropriate wording to put on a invitation when the wedding is black tie. This means men wear tuxes and ladies wear formal gowns. Think prom, but -- ya know -- classier.
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]
Thank you I know what Black Tie Formal is, I was just using it as an example. 

kimandjosh22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-conversation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:64f1579b-4ff8-4733-904b-00fc300d8469Post:4900fa16-f9cb-4ffa-a462-b881bc9dc1e8">Re: awkward conversation?</a>:
[QUOTE]On my wedding website I let guests know the wedding is on the beach, in the sand, under the sun.  And this should be taken into consideration when picking out clothing and shoes.  I wanted everyone to be aware of the set up so they can be comfortable. If you are very concerned about it put on the website business casual attire appreciated
Posted by UKgal321[/QUOTE]


Thanks, this is a great idea, I did post on the website that it is a semi-formal wedding and that the grass terrain should be considered when selecting footwear.  I also recommended that our guests should be prepared for the temperature to drop as the evening contimues (ahhh summer in New England!).  I think I'm just most concerned with everyone being comfortable and being inappropreately dressed is something that would make me uncomfortable.

mica178

Are you worried about that old fashioned tradition that a MOG wearing black to the wedding is stating her disapproval of the union?  No one follows that rule anymore other than maybe Kristin#s.

kimandjosh22

MOG is very old fashioned, but I wasn't worried about that.  its more that I'm wanting her to feel comfortable (when she was clearly uncomfortable at my shower).  I've learned from my fiancee that his immediate family's definition of semi-formal and my definition are 2 very different things

Emilieclaire

Could you offer to go shopping with her? Some people aren't much into fashion and don't mind what they put on. Does it cover what it needs to cover? Good enough. this will be me in a few more years. Maybe she would appreciate your input and flattery if you went shopping together.

adamar15

Mica, I think we should ask Kristin#s to do a GTG.  I'm so curious as to what she's like IRL.

kimandjosh22

That is what I was thinking of doing...if I do anything...and maybe see if FSIL wants to come shopping too.

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-conversation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:64f1579b-4ff8-4733-904b-00fc300d8469Post:2c86623b-0257-4180-89b6-03aa827f8961">Re: awkward conversation?</a>:
[QUOTE]Mica, I think we should ask Kristin#s to do a GTG.  I'm so curious as to what she's like IRL.
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

<div>I would seriously contemplate visiting Florida if I could attend said GTG.</div>

mica178

I tried bugging the local mod (teachermegs) about a local GTG.  I think the plans fell apart.  Maybe we should bug her again and have her especially invite Kristin.    And special could come down for the occasion.

kfras

I understand not wanting her to feel out of place, since you mentioned her feeling that way at the shower. I know personally I feel the same way (like when I go to dinner with my girl friends in sweats or jeans and flip flops and they are wearing high heels and dresses/skirts). I understand all of the advice telling you to leave it alone. At the same time, if you want to drop hints, just be careful. Don't drop too many hints! You could mention "Ooh my mom bought her dress today!" or "My mom's dress came in today" and hope she asks what it looks like so she has something to compare. You could definitely offer to go shopping with her if she expresses that she would like something new, but let her decide while shopping what she feels comfortable buying. Don't make rude comments or be like "ew you really want to buy that one?" Tread lightly. I would not ask FI to bring it up, because although it is his family, you don't want to cause any tension. I know personally if I ask my FI to say one thing, he turns around and says something comepletely different/out of context. Don't hurt her feelings, you do after all want her to be comfortable at your wedding!

Ravenclaw79

How's your relationship with her?  I'd probably offer to take her shopping, like "Hey, do you know what you're wearing to the wedding yet? Why don't we meet up for lunch and then go shopping together! I need to pick an outfit for the rehearsal dinner myself."  (Doesn't really matter if that last part's true.)

Personally, I would/will be upset if the FOG shows up in a black dress.  Unless you're doing a black-tie, evening wedding (or the wedding colors actually are black and white), black is inappropriate, 'cause it's the color of mourning.