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Wedding Etiquette Forum
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Re: delete
I feel like that would be the best way to showcase your parents committment to your nuptials party, and stick with the traditions "Parents pay for the wedding of the bride."
Are you asking if it's okay to only put your parents on the invitation? Of course it is. That is the more traditional phrasing; it's 100% true since you said they're hosting, and no one but your FILs will bat an eyelash at it. While your mom is being super gracious about it I would NOT do what FILs suggested by naming them as hosts.
Are you asking if it's okay to do the 'son of...' line? That's also fine, though less traditional (and CMGr will undoubtedly come on and tell you that it's stupid because being on an invitation isn't an honor). We did the 'son of...' line in part b/c it was pre-my involvement on the eboard and I was still thinking it was an honor and in part b/c we had a huge wedding where a number of the guests hadn't seen H in a long time but knew his mother well so we thought it might help them.
Bottom line: they don't NEED to be on the invitation. As long as your FI is onboard with what you do you're fine.
[QUOTE]@kate, I am in full agreement that being on the invitation is not an honor but rather to convey information. That's why I'm strongly opposing putting the son of line, I just find it so odd. I just don't know how to not cause a huge problem over this, I am guessing my FILs view it as an honor. It's so ridiculous; I don't understand why I need to convey inaccurate information on the invitiation so feelings don't get hurt - if anybody were to call her and ask her info about the wedding, she would have no idea and would have to redirect back to my parents. If you had a son and weren't helping pay for his wedding and sat back and watched as the other set of parents made sacrifices (time/monetary) to help (AND spent hours doing thousands of dollars worth of free labor on his house, as well as purchasing tools and supplies, in good faith and out of love for their future son in law, all before we are even married or my name is even formally listed on house), and sat back and watched as your son worked overtime to help pay for not only his wedding, but house as well...would you demand you be put on the invitiation? Would you view it as an insult? More importantly, am I making too big a deal? Do I just leave the wording as is and hope for the best? Or do I change it (which may or may not cost money) to appease FMIL?
Posted by ANON920[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You are making too big of a deal. Their lack of contributions both timely and monetary are nor required. Sure it would be nice, but don't throw it in their faces that they can't afford to help you. </div><div>
</div><div>Your entire novel about them was completely irrelevant. Just because your parents are in a position to help and are willing to doesn't make them bad people. And I agree with PP that you never should have asked them about their opinion of the invites. Asking them their input and ignoring it and getting mad only makes you look bad. </div><div>
</div><div>My FI's mom and step-dad are MUUUCHHH better off than anyone else on either side of our families (they're in their early 50s and retired - living on a beautiful lake with multiple boats and cars) and they're not helping with the wedding at all. I'm not faulting them for it - it's our wedding and we should pay for it. Also, I would think it would be inappropriate for them to give you wedding money when they already owe your FI money...but that's just me.
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I don't think you should ever feel bad for doing things the traditional way. I am somewhat worried about FI's parents taking it as some sort of slight, but I know that they, too, know traditionally that only the bride's parents are listed.
ETA: just wanted to add; keep in mind it's not that your parents "deserve" to be on the invitations (even if that's how you feel). It's that they ARE hosting, so the wording you're doing is just... correct. It's not a judgement in any way it just is what it is. If you think of it in that frame of mind you'll have an easier time explaining it to FI's parents (if they ask) without sounding like you feel they should be pitching in or something.
Don't talk to FMIL about invitations or anything else.
Stop setting yourself up for drama, allowing them to continue to not pay for anything and then hurt your feelings and causing drama between you and your FI
You are marrying into this family, don't forget that.
Don't enable them and give them money, this will be a hard one.
Have a beautiful wedding and enjoy
[QUOTE]
...'So here's my point (I promised I'd get to it!) - on the invitations, <strong>we listed my parents as hosts</strong>. We felt a little silly listing ourselves as hosts to our own wedding... Posted by ANON920[/QUOTE]
@stage - I read this as they used the traditional wording b/c they <u>didn't</u> want to list themselves. were you reading it as they <u>did</u> list themselves also, but felt silly about it?
OP - hope it's okay I quoted since I only did the one line. I can delete later if you'd prefer
I ask you to tread lightly on how you perceive your FILs to your FI. All I really got from this post is how amazing your parents are and how crappy his parents are. If you express these thoughts verbal to your FI you might have problems in the future. Not everyone has the skill set, desire or money to help like your parents are helping.
My parents sound a lot like yours. My dad is an engineer and loves to help with construction type projects. He's good at them. He enjoys doing them. Not as a way to help me (well that is part of it), but he truly enjoys that kind of stuff. It relaxes him. Mom loves to organize. It's her thing. However, I do not go around pointing out to DH how great they are and how his mom doesn't help us with anything. What's the point? To make him feel bad? They are still his parents and I'm sure they have some good qualities buried underneath all the disappointment of not paying back the loan.
GL
[QUOTE]Am I the only one hung up on the fact that OP asked the FILs about the invite wording and they said they want to be listed? I agree that in this case traditional would be best, EXCEPT for the fact that asking them if they want to be included, and then ignoring their response and excluding them is likely to upset the FILs, and rightfully so. Since she asked if they want on, and they do, I think they need to be put on, even if the "son of" wording is a bit weird.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>No, I didn't understand why they did that either. If they didn't want input they shouldn't have asked. OP, you asked for what your FILs wanted to see on the invitation, they told you, so now you're stuck unless you want to look bad. </div><div>
</div><div>These people are going to be in your life for a loooong time, the wedding invitation is small beans compared to a lifetime of being reminded that you left them off.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Clarity</div><div>
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A few months from now, no one will remember your invitation wording outside of you and your parents and FI and his. This is not a hill to die on. If I were you, I would have used the traditional wording (Bride's parents invite you... groom's parents not named). However, since your FI asked for his mom's input on the invitation wording, I honestly think you should go with Bride's parents invite you... Son of groom's parents. I agree that it's wordy but the damage (asking their opinion) is already done. Not naming his parents on the invitation now is likely to start more drama.
FI's parents are under NO obligation to foot the bill for any part of your wedding. Try to put your hard feelings about that to bed. However, I totally understand that you are angry at them for the financial issues (ignoring their debt to your FI), and unsolicited input on the wedding (honeyfund, inviting more of their guests). As for the latter, just try to ignore these comments or handle them the way you have already done.
A word of advice on the financial issues... once you're married, you and FI will presumably have shared finances. You need to talk to FI about the issues with his parents guilting him into loaning them money and figure out now how you are going to handle this after the wedding.
[QUOTE]Am I the only one hung up on the fact that OP asked the FILs about the invite wording and they said they want to be listed? I agree that in this case traditional would be best, EXCEPT for the fact that asking them if they want to be included, and then ignoring their response and excluding them is likely to upset the FILs, and rightfully so. Since she asked if they want on, and they do, I think they need to be put on, even if the "son of" wording is a bit weird.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]
I agree with this. You asked your FILs about wording, so now not including them will look petty. Using the "son of" line in an otherwise traditional wording seems to be the option that makes everyone the most happy, even if its a bit wordy. Ultimately, as long as the invitation communicates the information your guests need - who's getting married, when and where - I don't think anyone spends a lot of time analyzing invitations to try to figure out who is paying what for the event.
There is always: Together with their families x and y request the honor of your presence... (which is what we did)
Unfortunately, I think you may have painted yourself into a corner with having asked them about it first.
We didn't ask either side what their preference would be, also we are paying for everything, so the "no pay no say" rule applied.
Money is always a hot button topic. I feel that most couples/families argue about money more often than anything else.
I digress, I agree with PP, in general having a financial conversation about how the shared finances will be handled moving forward is a good idea. Especially if he is in the habit of lending money out...
201 Invited
[QUOTE]Am I the only one hung up on the fact that OP asked the FILs about the invite wording and they said they want to be listed? I agree that in this case traditional would be best, EXCEPT for the fact that asking them if they want to be included, and then ignoring their response and excluding them is likely to upset the FILs, and rightfully so. Since she asked if they want on, and they do, I think they need to be put on, even if the "son of" wording is a bit weird.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]
I agree with this 100%. If you hadn't asked them, traditional wording would be fine. But, since you did, NOT putting them on would be a big eff you to them. I would go with the "son of" wording now, as the other way does make them seem like hosts and they are not hosting.
OP - I also agree with a lot of other PPs that you need to let this money thing go. Seriously. NO ONE has any obligation to pay or help with your wedding except you and your FI. Be happy your parents are being incredibly generous and thank them accordingly. But to hold this giant grudge against his parents for not paying and not helping is really petty and a bad start to what will be a life long relationship. I'll give you the money loaning thing is an entirely different story for a different day, but, in terms of the wedding, they've done absolutely NOTHING wrong.
[QUOTE]A few months from now, no one will remember your invitation wording outside of you and your parents and FI and his. This is not a hill to die on. If I were you, I would have used the traditional wording (Bride's parents invite you... groom's parents not named). However, since your FI asked for his mom's input on the invitation wording, I honestly think you should go with Bride's parents invite you... Son of groom's parents. I agree that it's wordy but the damage (asking their opinion) is already done. Not naming his parents on the invitation now is likely to start more drama. FI's parents are under NO obligation to foot the bill for any part of your wedding. Try to put your hard feelings about that to bed. However, I totally understand that you are angry at them for the financial issues (ignoring their debt to your FI), and unsolicited input on the wedding (honeyfund, inviting more of their guests). As for the latter, just try to ignore these comments or handle them the way you have already done. A word of advice on the financial issues... <strong>once you're married, you and FI will presumably have shared finances. You need to talk to FI about the issues with his parents guilting him into loaning them money and figure out now how you are going to handle this after the wedding. </strong>
Posted by daveANDkristen[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I would like to reiterate this. And while it's great your parents support the two of you (sort of), his are not obligated to do so. Likewise, your FI is not obligated to give them money. I think the two of you need to sit down and sort out how you are going to address these issues once you are married.
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[QUOTE]I may have been a little misleading in my original post - by "talking to FMIL about the wording", I meant that fiancé explained to her that we were using the traditional wording of bride's parents and to let her know that my parents were contributing significantly, so she wouldn't be confused as to why we listed them as hosts, and so that it wouldn't be a shock when she received the invite (I'm not sure that she knew prior how significantly my parents were contributing their time and money, although she knew they were paying for quite a bit). I didn't expect her to give unsolicited advice about to word the invite. Sorry I wasn't too clear on that originally!!
Posted by ANON920[/QUOTE]
Yeah sitting her down and explaining this to her was completely unnecessary. Yes, I agree, your FMIL sounds slightly off her hinges, however, there is no need for pre-emptive explanations. She might not have even noticed if you hadn't explained it to her. And if she did notice, she'd be pissed regardless of when she found out (either before or after the invitations). I think you're too worried about honoring your parents (which is nice, they have done a lot for you) while spiting your FMIL at the same time.
I'd either do:
mr and mrs brides parents request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter, brides name, to grooms name, son of so and so
or
bride and groom along with their families
Teachery Blog
[QUOTE]Ours say: Dr. and Mrs. Michael Smith request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Emily Marie to Mr. John William Sanders Saturday blah blah blah That's the traditional wording. My parents are paying for the lion's share of the wedding, it is in my hometown, they are receiving RSVPs and making arrangements, so by all accounts they are hosting. I didn't even run it by my inlaws. They are hosting the rehearsal dinner, so presumably those invitations will have their names on them. For your situation, I feel like somebody somehwere needs to learn to tell these people no. Leaving their names off a wedding invitation, when they truly are not hosting, might be a good place to start. Being listed as a host is not an honor - it is simply important information so that guests know who will be fielding questions, etc. that they may have about the arrangements. Not one person has called me and FI with questions, they have all contacted my parents because that's what the invitations basically told them to do. Your FILs sound meddlesome and a little shameless - "borrowing" money from your child and then not paying it back is sort of awful in my opinion, and it's time you and FI stood up to them and made decisions without their influence and without letting feelings of guilt dictate your actions. No is not a four-letter word,
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]
I am on this team.