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Wedding Etiquette Forum

The Case of the Missing Bridesmaid

Hello everyone,
    I'm terrified, but here I am, throwing myself to the mercy of the ruthless Etiquette posters!  Sorry the post is long, but I just want to try and illustrate what's going on. I posted a question about this a couple days about on the Wedding Party topic portion of the boards, but now that the situation has progressed, I was looking to see what you can offer me.

A 'brief' backstory... I am having some major issues with one of my bridesmaids, my fiance's niece. I really want her to be in my wedding, and she seemed enthusiastic when my fiance and I first asked her. We were slightly concerned because there have been some family problems in the recent past (she is the only one from that side of my fiance's family who is willing to come to the wedding (nothing my fiance did)), but she said that she did not care and that she wanted to be a bridesmaid.    So I was ecstatic! 

Unfortunately, now she will not return my phone calls, text messages, or facebook messages and she will also not respond to my fiance's calls or text messages (but she is responding and answering other people (so it's not a case of the broken phone/computer/carrier pigeon)).



My mom and dad keep saying "give her an out" but I cannot think of a way to do that without being incredibly rude. With the last post, many wise knotties told me to try initiating conversation that did not center around the wedding. I tried asking her how college was going/how she was doing... and I still never received a reply. This is really incredibly upsetting for me, and I really do not know what to do now.

Opinions/Suggestions?  Is there a way to ask if a bridesmaid has changed her mind? I also do NOT want this to be another issue that their family can talk about at the holidays, about how I kicked her out of my bridal party (because I really would still love for her to be in the bridal party... I just don't know how to actually TALK to her).
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Re: The Case of the Missing Bridesmaid

  • MyUserName1MyUserName1 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited January 2012
    Tell her what her deadline is for ordering her dress.  And let it ride.  If she doesn't get the dress, she takes herself out.

    ETA: and don't stress about it.  If your sides are uneven it will not look bad or weird or whatever.  If she has the dress when you print programs, her name goes in.  If not, it doesn't.
  • You don't need to give her an out. By her not getting the dress, she let's herself out. Let her know when the deadline to order a dress is and that's that.
    image
  • Has she just started the semester? It might be busy for her with getting back into classes.

    How long have you not gotten a response from her? 
  • I've been trying to get in touch with her for about two months- and not just about bridal stuff. She was on winter break for a good portion of the time that I was trying to contact her. She does work quite a bit though.
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  • yikes. thats no fun..sorry to hear that. :s
    i agree with PP...
    send her a message and leave a voicemail telling her your excited about her being a BM and where to order her dress from before x date.
    then the ball is in her court, youve done your part, if she doesnt order, well she removed herself and you have nothing to feel bad about. :)
    GL! and hopefully the fam situation gets better!
  • I just recently have a bridesmaid basically give me permission to "kick her out". I ended up telling her (after I addressed her concerns) that if she didn't want to be a BM, just to let me know by the end of the month so I can modify the flowers and such.
    Just let her know what and where to find the dres and when he needs to have it ordered by.
    image
  • chelseamb11chelseamb11 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_case-of-missing-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:66059943-23cc-4897-8fd2-0c63dd326168Post:fab3d8f3-399e-4262-8d07-8ea96a7ef0cb">Re: The Case of the Missing Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just recently have a bridesmaid basically give me permission to "kick her out". I ended up telling her (after I addressed her concerns) that if she didn't want to be a BM, just to let me know by the end of the month so I can modify the flowers and such. Just let her know what and where to find the dres and when he needs to have it ordered by.
    Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]
    I was curious how you ended up handling that!

    Yeah, OP.  Nothing pisses me off more than when people ignore my calls/texts, so I feel you.  But like others said, you need to leave the ball in her court.  Let her know the dtails and then let it be.  If she doesn't buy the dress and/or show up, then she's removed herself.
  • Does she live near you? If you want to know sooner, you can set a day where all the BMs goes dress shopping (to look, not necessarily to buy). If she doesn't respond or show up it'd be a great opportunity to ask her if being in the wedding is something she still wants to do. If there's family drama, she may have caved from the pressure and is now trying to back out by fading away. Two months is an absurdly long time to not call someone back. She's definitely ignoring you.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • That's actually how this whole issue began, with me trying to coordinate a dress-shopping expedition... but I could definitely try again since only my maid of honor was able to go.

    I think I'm going to invite her to go dress shopping again, give her the due date to buy the dress, and see what happens. If anyone else still wants to comment, I'm still open for for opinions and discussions.
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