I NEED HELP- BRIDESMAID ISSUES

sabseay88

I am having 3 bridesmaid for my wedding. One of my bridesmaid is my fiance sister and she lives very far away. She asked me could she be one of my bridesmaids, and I kind of hesistated but I didnt give her and answer. And now we told her that she couldnt be in the wedding becasue i already had my bridesmaid picked out.

She crys everytime and begs me to be in our wedding. She is 15 years old and I feel so bad. But I had my maids already picked out.

Should I feel bad? What should I say to her next time we talk? I am LOST!

danieliza1127

Aw that is sad.  I would just let her be a bridesmaid.  It's okay to have uneven sides, especially since she's young, she doesn't need a groomsman escort anyway.

quotequeen

I'm really confused... why do you keep calling her your BM if you never said she was a BM?  How does your FI feel about this?  If he wants her in the WP she can stand on his side.

arthomas82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-bridesmaid-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:661877cd-e82b-4c50-8c00-b84b211973b3Post:54668e00-3576-48fb-9932-9056d351d20d">Re: I NEED HELP- BRIDESMAID ISSUES</a>:
[QUOTE]Aw that is sad.  I would just let her be a bridesmaid.  It's okay to have uneven sides, especially since she's young, she doesn't need a groomsman escort anyway.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

Ya really, let her be a bridesmaid!!

kikibaby

Why can't you have her as another bridesmaid?

(BTW, your inner bride... she is huge)

fabshelly

Have her be the guestbook hostess; she stands at the table greeting guests and insures that they sign the guestbook, also helps them with their table cards if you have them. 

callalilly323

I feel bad too. Agreed w/danieliza -- why not just let her be in it?? Remember, she will be family for the rest of your life, and if she and her brother are close, she probably won't forget this.

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-bridesmaid-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:661877cd-e82b-4c50-8c00-b84b211973b3Post:7df2f1e9-f65b-42c8-b22e-74987617f12c">I NEED HELP- BRIDESMAID ISSUES</a>:
[QUOTE]I am having 3 bridesmaid for my wedding. <strong>One of my bridesmaid is my fiance sister and she lives very far away.</strong> She asked me could she be one of my bridesmaids, and I kind of hesistated but I didnt give her and answer. And now we told her that she couldnt be in the wedding becasue i already had my bridesmaid picked out. She crys everytime and begs me to be in our wedding. She is 15 years old and I feel so bad. But I had my maids already picked out. Should I feel bad? What should I say to her next time we talk? I am LOST!
Posted by sabseay88[/QUOTE]

Wait, is she or isn't she a bridesmaid?

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-bridesmaid-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:661877cd-e82b-4c50-8c00-b84b211973b3Post:a41ff9af-4c37-42db-a689-0b06a054ca36">Re: I NEED HELP- BRIDESMAID ISSUES</a>:
[QUOTE]Have her be the guestbook hostess; she stands at the table greeting guests and insures that they sign the guestbook, also helps them with their table cards if you have them. 
Posted by fabshelly[/QUOTE]

Nooooooooo!  Don't add insult to injury by giving her a crap job like this. 

Honestly, I'd add her as a bridesmaid. 

ETA:  She is kind of being a brat, though.  At 15, you know better than to ask to be in someone's wedding, much less to cry and beg about it.  But given that she's your fi's sister, I'd cut her the slack and either add her as a bridesmaid or have him add her as a groomswoman. 

eastunder1

I don't think that crying and throwing tantrums should ever be rewarded.   If you don't feel that you or your FI are close enough to her to warrant her being in your wedding party, her childish behavior should do nothing to change that. 

Also, lose the inner bride sig.  Seriously. 

sabseay88

Okay thanks everyone... She was originally going to be in it but my fiance does not want her in it. I do not know why? He dosent get along good with that side of the family so maybe thats why? I like the idea of letting her be the guestbook hostess. Thats a good idea.

eastunder1

sigh. 

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-bridesmaid-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:661877cd-e82b-4c50-8c00-b84b211973b3Post:85ba07bf-6311-43ec-9d40-f372e9493bbc">Re: I NEED HELP- BRIDESMAID ISSUES</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay thanks everyone... She was originally going to be in it but my fiance does not want her in it. I do not know why? He dosent get along good with that side of the family so maybe thats why? I like the idea of letting her be the guestbook hostess. Thats a good idea.
Posted by sabseay88[/QUOTE]

Does that mean you had agreed to let her be in it?  If so it is too late and you cannot kick her out now.

And no, letting her be the guestbook attendant is NOT a good idea.

Birdie1483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-bridesmaid-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:661877cd-e82b-4c50-8c00-b84b211973b3Post:98128bee-b7a8-4c51-976b-6be70110199f">Re: I NEED HELP- BRIDESMAID ISSUES</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I NEED HELP- BRIDESMAID ISSUES : Nooooooooo!  <strong>Don't add insult to injury by giving her a crap job like this.</strong>  Honestly, I'd add her as a bridesmaid.  ETA:  She is kind of being a brat, though.  At 15, you know better than to ask to be in someone's wedding, much less to cry and beg about it.  But given that she's your fi's sister, I'd cut her the slack and either add her as a bridesmaid or have him add her as a groomswoman. 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]


Haha. That is my job in most of my friends' weddings! :-) However, they usually have girls in their WP that they have known for far longer than me and I can't do readings because I'm not Catholic. I'd much rather do the guestbook than man the cake/candy table at the reception. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

As far ar the OP goes, have her be a BM or stand on your FI side to calm the waters. In the end she'll be your family and I wouldn't want to rock the boat.

The Mel and Todd Show

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-bridesmaid-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:661877cd-e82b-4c50-8c00-b84b211973b3Post:85ba07bf-6311-43ec-9d40-f372e9493bbc">Re: I NEED HELP- BRIDESMAID ISSUES</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay thanks everyone... She was originally going to be in it but my fiance does not want her in it. I do not know why? He dosent get along good with that side of the family so maybe thats why? <strong>I like the idea of letting her be the guestbook hostess. Thats a good idea.
</strong>Posted by sabseay88[/QUOTE]

No.  That's a very bad idea.  She's already crying about not being involved, and you think the correct response is to tell her "Here.  Stand next to this book.  Outside."  Really?  It's a crap job.  Nobody wants it. 

sabseay88

Well I talked to my fiance and he does not want her to be in it. So no she is not going to be in it.

But I dont understand the big deal. Becasue we are not doing anything fancy it is just a small ceremony with our family and friends with a small reception. But I feel that it is our wedding and we can do it how we please. Not to mention that his mother stopped talking to us becasue of it! Why are you going to let something so little come between family?

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-bridesmaid-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:661877cd-e82b-4c50-8c00-b84b211973b3Post:c4259235-4208-453e-928b-7bea3a18b039">Re: I NEED HELP- BRIDESMAID ISSUES</a>:
[QUOTE]Well I talked to my fiance and he does not want her to be in it. So no she is not going to be in it. But I dont understand the big deal. Becasue we are not doing anything fancy it is just a small ceremony with our family and friends with a small reception. But I feel that it is our wedding and we can do it how we please. Not to mention that his mother stopped talking to us becasue of it! <strong>Why are you going to let something so little come between family?</strong>
Posted by sabseay88[/QUOTE]

Funny, I was just going to ask you the same thing.

ohwhynot

What has this 15 year old girl done to your fiance that is so bad he doesn't want to let her be in his wedding even though it obviously means a lot to her? 

TheCranberry

I agree that you can let her be a bridesmaid or junior bridesmaid, and since she's younger, she won't need an escort or "matching" goomsman.  You could also have her be an usher or something so she can wear a bridesmaid-type dress and get ready with you guys so she feels like she's a part of it.  It sounds like she's really excited about all of the wedding stuff.

TNMurray

I dont think that you should let this come between family. It is his sister. I think making her a Jr Bridesmaid is a great idea. I thin you need to talk to FI and explain to him. Is his problem with that side of the family or with her? If she has done nothing wrong than she shouldn't be included. I garauntee you that you are creating a problem before you get married and it will be up to you if you want to deal with it in the future. Every girl wants to be in a wedding. FI needs to explain to you why he doesn't want her in the wedding.

The Mel and Todd Show

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-bridesmaid-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:661877cd-e82b-4c50-8c00-b84b211973b3Post:c4259235-4208-453e-928b-7bea3a18b039">Re: I NEED HELP- BRIDESMAID ISSUES</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Well I talked to my fiance and he does not want her to be in it. So no she is not going to be in it.</strong> But I dont understand the big deal. Becasue we are not doing anything fancy it is just a small ceremony with our family and friends with a small reception.<strong> But I feel that it is our wedding and we can do it how we please. </strong>Not to mention that his mother stopped talking to us becasue of it! Why are you going to let something so little come between family?
Posted by sabseay88[/QUOTE]

If she's to stand on your side of the aisle it's your decision, not his.  If he wants to have the final word on this, then he should be the one telling her, and his mother, why. 

As for the other bolded item...this is true.  You can do whatever you want.  But you don't get to dictate whether others like it.  From what you've described, it sounds like you asked her to be a bm, then UN-asked her at your FI's request, and can't understand why people are upset with you.  You can't un-ask this question without ending the friendship.  You won the big goose because you did this to a relative.  It's your day, and you've done what you please, but you simply can't expect others to like you for it. 

allisong23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-bridesmaid-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:661877cd-e82b-4c50-8c00-b84b211973b3Post:a41ff9af-4c37-42db-a689-0b06a054ca36">Re: I NEED HELP- BRIDESMAID ISSUES</a>:
[QUOTE]Have her be the guestbook hostess; she stands at the table greeting guests and insures that they sign the guestbook, also helps them with their table cards if you have them. 
Posted by fabshelly[/QUOTE]

Please don't do this.It is an sucky job and no one wants to do it. People will figure out how to sign the book themselves without her help.

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-bridesmaid-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:661877cd-e82b-4c50-8c00-b84b211973b3Post:c4259235-4208-453e-928b-7bea3a18b039">Re: I NEED HELP- BRIDESMAID ISSUES</a>:
[QUOTE]Well I talked to my fiance and he does not want her to be in it. So no she is not going to be in it. But I dont understand the big deal. Becasue we are not doing anything fancy it is just a small ceremony with our family and friends with a small reception. But I feel that it is our wedding and we can do it how we please. Not to mention that his mother stopped talking to us becasue of it! Why are you going to let something so little come between family?
Posted by sabseay88[/QUOTE]


If you let her believe that she was going to be a bridesmaid and then said "hah, sike!" then it's a big deal because you did something incredibly crappy to her, and probably made her really sad.  I would be mad at you too if I were her mother.  Just because it's your wedding doesn't mean that you can be mean to people or that other people shouldn't be upset with you when you are.

JoyTate1

Just keep in mind, your wedding is one day.  She will be your family for the rest of your life.  All she would do at the wedding is wear a dress and stand during the ceremony.  Is that really so awful that you are willing to cause family problems over it?

hugz415

So did you tell her she was a BM and then found out later that your FI didnt want his own sister in the wedding?  I agree with whoever said if he wants to make a stand about this for whatever reason then he needs to be the one arguing with his mom and sister about it.  You have made it clear that its fine with you.   I think you and your FI have some more discussing to do.  You guys need to come to a decision on this and back each other up. 

She really must have done something bad for him to feel so strongly about this.  It seems kinda odd. 

hugz415

on a side note..what the heck does a guest book attendant do? What are the duties?  Hand people the pen?  Make sure it doesn't get stolen?  I have never even heard of this but it really does sound like a crappy job!