Vegas Bachelorette party problem

qt314grl

Ok--so I'm 32, never been married before.  My best friend is also 32, she's been married twice and twice I was her maid of honor.  I've been there for her through thick and thin and always ponied up for special events, wedding showers, bachelorette party, baby shower, 30th b-day.  She's mostly been there for me to, but she's got 2 kids of her own and 3 step kids, so as you can imagine she has a very different life than me.

 Long story short--she agreed about 6 months ago that a bachelorette party in Vegas was the plan and two of my other good friends will be joining us. It's not cheap--I know and everyone has their tickets.  I paid for my own ticket and plan to pay my own way in Vegas too.  declined a wedding shower, let her pick out any little black dress she wants to wear as a bridesmaid (seriously, I'm letting all 3 girls just pick a dress that they like and can afford that knee length and black) and basically have made things very low cost and the wedding is super low key, with the exception of a trip to Vegas.  It's all I really wanted, time with my girls.  Now, 3 weeks before we are supposed to go, she says she can't afford it.  I've read all the boards where the bridezilla expects a crazy destination bachelorette party and blah blah blah.  BUT, she is my best friend of 20 years and I'm pissed that she can't be there for me when I need, I feel like she should find a way to make it work.  I even offered to front the money and told her she could pay me back some time in the future, I told her it was that important to me.  She basically said she couldn't let me pay, but I told her to think about it for a few days.

For years I watched all my friends have their days, paid for their gifts, went on the trips---I really just want her to reciprocate.  Not too mention the fact that her bailing at the last minute makes the hotel costs higher for everyone. Argh.  Am I just being a bridezilla?  She agreed to this plan and was excited about it!!

AllAboutTheBenjamin

You want us to call her and bitch her out?

baystateapple

Money situations change.  And yes, if you're going to be pissed at  her for not being able to afford to go to Vegas for a bachelorette party, you are being a bridezilla.  Sorry.

twilight.rose

Maybe she legitimately can't afford it? Perhaps she's had an unexpected expense come up that she doesn't feel comfortable sharing.

I understand that you want your friend with you on your bachelorette weekend, but if she does have a legitimate reason for backing out (illness, family emergency of some sort), your b-party is probably the last thing on her mind. Pre-wedding parties are not a requirement for the bridal party, so I would let this go and plan a spa day or something with your friend at a later time.

Julz629

I think it's pretty crappy that she let you believe she was going for so long and then backs out 3 before, but there's not much else that can be done.  She is probably in a very different financial situation given her 2 kids, 5 overall including stepchildren.  But Vegas bachelorette parties are very expensive and this is the risk you took by going this route -- obviously not everyone is going to be able to make it.

jayjoe

You will probably get flamed, but in a weird way, i get it. I would especially be annoyed that she waited this long and now other people have to pay more. I've been in that position twice and it sucked. BUT..there is nothing you can do. Her finances arent great and thats that.

qt314grl

So what about my offer to pay for it??  I know why she's strapped, she's got a house  was supposed to sell this month but its been put off for another 60 days.  She made it sound like she could afford it except for the timing.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

If you offered to pay, and she still doesn't want to go - drop it.  There is obviously something more important going on at that time that she needs to be home for.

I get why you're pissed.  Really.  But there's not much you can do here.  Go to Vegas with your other friends and have a great time.

missy68

Well, we had a lot riding on refinancing our mortgage. It took 7 months to get it done.
You can't count on something like that for the "cash" until it's done and the cash is in the bank. You don't know what else she's had to compromise to get by thinking it would've gotten done 60 days ago.

Julz629

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegas-bachelorette-party-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:675e30d4-0e41-460c-8756-cfb2e6696095Post:e2fb4d18-47a1-43b4-aae6-9d290fdc8ec6">Re: Vegas Bachelorette party problem</a>:
[QUOTE]So what about my offer to pay for it??  I know why she's strapped, she's got a house  was supposed to sell this month but its been put off for another 60 days.  She made it sound like she could afford it except for the timing.
Posted by qt314grl[/QUOTE]

This is a pride thing.  If I didn't have the money to take a trip, I doubt I would let someone else pay for me.  You should use that money you were willing to pay and cover the difference so that the other girls don't have to pay more now that she's not coming.

Calumet

I'm sorry. That truly sucks. In all honesty I would be really frustrated too. But there isn't much you can do about it. Try not to let it ruin your Bachelorette Party. Have a good time!

qt314grl

Thanks for the feedback--I guess I'll just drop it.  It's just real dissapointing when you've always been there for someone for these types of things and when its your turn it fails.  I also feel like in a weird way I'm getting a double whammy for waiting to get married as I paid for everything for my friends at a time when I couldn't really afford it either (young, single) and now I have to be understanding when their finances revolve around her kids.

quotequeen

It sounds like you weren't actually offering to pay, you were offering to front the cost and she would pay you back?  A lot of people are not comfortable borrowing money from friends, ever.  Or with going into debt to attend a bach party.

qt314grl

That's true, I only offered to let her borrow the money.  I know that they otherwise make good money, but they've been bogged down with the house they can't sell for almost a year.  I don't think she would have taken the money outright either.

qt314grl

...and I went into debt many a time to attend her special events.  I put it on the credit card and paid it off over time.

qt314grl

I just sent her an email, I dropped it.  Told her we could hang out sometime later at the spa or something.  I'm not happy about it, but I'll get over it.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegas-bachelorette-party-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:675e30d4-0e41-460c-8756-cfb2e6696095Post:fd712c5f-1ddd-43ae-9bde-68277c1c818c">Re: Vegas Bachelorette party problem</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the feedback--I guess I'll just drop it.  It's just real dissapointing when you've always been there for someone for these types of things and when its your turn it fails.  I also feel like in a weird way I'm getting a double whammy for waiting to get married as I paid for everything for my friends at a time when I couldn't really afford it either (young, single) and now I have to be understanding when their finances revolve around her kids.
Posted by qt314grl[/QUOTE]

I can definitely understand your disappointment and overall feelings about it.  I would be disappointed and feel let down too.  But there's really not much you can do about it other than offer to pay her way, which it sounds like you've basically done.  I don't think you should complain to her about how much you did for her and how disappointed you are that she isn't doing the same.  The choices you made and sacrifices you made (using credit cards, etc) were your choices, no one forced you to do those things.  So you can't really hold it against people now when it's your turn and they don't reciprocate.  As friends, you don't do things for the reciprocation, you just do it because you want to and you love and support your friends.

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegas-bachelorette-party-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:675e30d4-0e41-460c-8756-cfb2e6696095Post:f72935fd-a4a0-476e-bf31-f57d3f69138e">Re: Vegas Bachelorette party problem</a>:
[QUOTE]...and I went into debt many a time to attend her special events.  I put it on the credit card and paid it off over time.
Posted by qt314grl[/QUOTE]

Well that was your decision, and maybe you shouldn't have done that.  Just because you did something irresponsible in the past doesn't mean you can expect other people to be irresponsible too.

qt314grl

Oh for the love of...using a credit card is not "irresponsible" as long as you have a plan to pay it back in a reasonable amount of time.  I did nothing irresponsible in the past other than be there for my friends when they needed me.  I get it, I get it--but it still sucks. 

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegas-bachelorette-party-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:675e30d4-0e41-460c-8756-cfb2e6696095Post:a48bd6e1-4421-413b-a1c7-b31fe8ca92eb">Re: Vegas Bachelorette party problem</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh for the love of...using a credit card is not "irresponsible" as long as you have a plan to pay it back in a reasonable amount of time.  I did nothing irresponsible in the past other than be there for my friends when they needed me.  I get it, I get it--but it still sucks. 
Posted by qt314grl[/QUOTE]

Well, we can agree to disagree on that one.  But you should understand that a lot of people are on my side of this question, and if your friend is one of them, then yes, it is entirely unreasonable to expect her to go into debt for your party.  If a friend of mine was mad at me for not going into debt to attend a party I couldn't afford to attend, she would no longer be my friend.

golden1215

I think this is exactly the time when, as a friend, I would use my credit card.  When I'm low on cash but need to pay for something that's important.

Is her backing out going to make it too expensive for the other girls?

squirrly

I understand how you feel.  My wedding wasn't particularly important to my friends b/c they're all in baby mode.  By the time we have a baby, that won't be a big deal either because they'll all have done it.  It sucks, but that doesn't change things. 

Just let it go.

jnic0319

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegas-bachelorette-party-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:675e30d4-0e41-460c-8756-cfb2e6696095Post:f72935fd-a4a0-476e-bf31-f57d3f69138e">Re: Vegas Bachelorette party problem</a>:
[QUOTE]...and I went into debt many a time to attend her special events.  I put it on the credit card and paid it off over time.
Posted by qt314grl[/QUOTE]


Oh I hear you on this one.  FI and I have always been there for our friends, every wedding, shower, baby, etc.  When we got engaged all I kept hearing  from everyone was all the problems between my bridesmaids during the shower planning.  I had one call me all upset that the one planning it was too extravagant, so I stepped in (bad move) only to find out all she asked for was $40.  Then they said they couldn't afford a b-party, or nails the day before, or the BM dress, etc.  Yet for their weddings I spent nearly double than what I've asked any of them to do.  In fact one is getting married right before me and bitched about the cost of the dress and then picked one for her bp at the same price, then bitched about the cost of nails, $35 mani/pedi combo (totally optional) and is having us all go to a high end spa for hers.  You learn who your true friends are during this time, I've also learned how to say "NO" much more frequently.  Just drop it and remember it next time she asks you to go above and beyond, you can say no too.

vegasgroom

If it's only three weeks away, it's VERY unlikely that she would not have already booked her plane ticket and on top of that it's very unlikely that it's refundable, so the fact that she's going to lose that money anyway makes me think maybe something else is going on and money was just the easiest excuse she could use to not go.  As long as she hasn't backed out of anything else and is still acting friendly rather than distant, maybe best to let this one go and just go have fun with the other girls; you could pay for more of their rooms instead of trying to loan your moh money for her to go.

kellyjellybelly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegas-bachelorette-party-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:675e30d4-0e41-460c-8756-cfb2e6696095Post:fd712c5f-1ddd-43ae-9bde-68277c1c818c">Re: Vegas Bachelorette party problem</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the feedback--I guess I'll just drop it.  It's just real dissapointing when you've always been there for someone for these types of things and when its your turn it fails.  I also feel like in a weird way I'm getting a double whammy for waiting to get married as I paid for everything for my friends at a time when I couldn't really afford it either (young, single) and now I have to be understanding when their finances revolve around her kids.
Posted by qt314grl[/QUOTE]
I'm not going to lie, I would be pretty pissed myself.  It was a good idea to drop it, but I completely understand how you feel.  We are heading to Nashville next month for one of my best friends bachelorette party.  Can I really afford to go?  Nope.  Should I be spending money on a party weekend?  Nope.  But I am going.  Because she is one of my best friends.  She would drop everything and drive an hour to see me if I needed her, so I found a way to make it work.  I'm sorry she bailed on you, that really sucks - but go, enjoy and have a great time in Vegas.