Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue

strwberrykisez21

Hi everyone:) 

I have tried to search through to see if it is bad etiqutte to invite people to the reception only, however I didn't seem to find my answer.  So here is my scenario...

My fiance and I are having a small beach wedding by the Lake in Cleveland.  Due to the location we have a limited amount of space and chairs =50.  Our problem is that we have a guest list of over 200 people and it isn't that we do not want the people to come to both the ceremony and reception but we simply cannot hold a 200 people ceremony at our location.  Does anyone have any suggestions of how we can handle this (without changing the cermeony location because it is already paid for and not really an option for us)? I wasn't sure whether we should just send out invites of both to everyone and have them check yes or no for the ceremony and reception so we get a headcount for the ceremony and pray that a small amount actually come to the ceremony OR if we should just send out ceremony invites to the must have people (very close family and friends). 

Please any advice will do.

Thanks

Simply Fated

I'm going with edie on this one.

What made you pay for a ceremony site that only holds 50 people when you have a guest list of 200?
The numbers are pretty obviously different. 200 /> 50

I wasn't sure whether we should just send out invites of both to everyone and have them check yes or no for the ceremony and reception so we get a headcount for the ceremony and pray that a small amount actually come to the ceremony
And if everyone checks Yes, what is your back-up plan?

Jana711

You either need to cut your guest list or find another venue.

DramaGeek

You have three options.

The two options that are not at all rude are to either cut your list to 50 and invite those 50 to ceremony and reception, with no one invited to reception only OR find a new venue and invite all 200 to ceremony and reception.  Either way, everyone invited to the ceremony must be invited to the reception and vice versa.

The third, slightly more offensive option, but generally accepted, is to have a very small immediate family only ceremony (parents, siblings, possibly grandparents) followed by your large reception.  With a reception list of 200, your ceremony list would need to be 20 or fewer people.

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-helpadvice-ceremonyreception-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:67826a99-ca73-46be-b97d-5ef40a8cc018Post:1570c9f8-aa45-44f6-a5a5-5431b8e184ff">Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone:)  I have tried to search through to see if it is bad etiqutte to invite people to the reception only, however <strong>I didn't seem to find my answer</strong>.  So here is my scenario... My fiance and I are having a small beach wedding by the Lake in Cleveland.  Due to the location we have a limited amount of space and chairs =50.  Our problem is that we have a guest list of over 200 people and it isn't that we do not want the people to come to both the ceremony and reception but we simply cannot hold a 200 people ceremony at our location.  Does anyone have any suggestions of how we can handle this (without changing the cermeony location because it is already paid for and not really an option for us)? I wasn't sure whether we should just send out invites of both to everyone and have them check yes or no for the ceremony and reception so we get a headcount for the ceremony and pray that a small amount actually come to the ceremony OR if we should just send out ceremony invites to the must have people (very close family and friends).  Please any advice will do. Thanks
Posted by strwberrykisez21[/QUOTE]

That kind of surprises me.
But yeah, you can't do a tiered ceremony. Either cut your guestlist by 150 people or find a bigger venue.

Edited for wording.

I also agree that if you have an immediate family only ceremony, you should be okay

number55

I will be honest, I don't like the 'immediate family' ceremony option. I guess my overall feeling is that if people don't go to the ceremony then you are really just hosting a party. It should have nothing to do with your wedding, since they had nothing to do with your wedding, since they weren't there. 

mkrupar

Why in the world would you book and pay for a ceremony location that only holds 50 people when your guest list is 200 people? Did you do this not knowing how big your guest list actually was? Planning fail...majorly.

This may seem harsh but good lord that's a huge difference in numbers. You have a few options:

1) Eat the cost of the current ceremony location and find a new one so you can invite all 200 people to both ceremony & reception.

2) Cut your guest list to 50 people so everyone can come to your ceremony in this super special location AND attend the reception.

3) It is ok, according to etiquette that you have a small, immediate family only, ceremony. This means you two, parents, grandparents, and siblings. No aunts and uncles, no god parents, no college friends. Tiny. Like drama said, les than 20 people.

MyUserName1

*headdesk*

You need to either find a new ceremony location, invite IMMEDIATE family only (i.e. parents, siblings grandparents ONLY) or cut your guest list down to 50.

mkrupar

In Response to Re: Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue:
[QUOTE]I will be honest, I don't like the 'immediate family' ceremony option. I guess my overall feeling is that if people don't go to the ceremony then you are really just hosting a party. It should have nothing to do with your wedding, since they had nothing to do with your wedding, since they weren't there. 
Posted by number55[/QUOTE]

It's not my favorite option either. That's why it was #3. But since it's the etiquette board, it's a valid option.

number55

[/QUOTE] It's not my favorite option either. That's why it was #3. But since it's the etiquette board, it's a valid option.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

Yep, my issue is that in a huge number of cases it has more to do with the 'venue' the bride/groom want for their ceremony than anything else. I mean, unless its because you are getting married at town hall and there isn't enough room for 200 guests? Yeah, got a location that can fit the people you want to have at your reception. 

MyUserName1

I feel the same way about immediate family only, but since she already booked a space that's way too small, she doesn't have a lot of options that aren't rude.

I wonder why OP thought it was a good idea to book a ceremony venue that could only fit a quarter of her guest list.

number55

I am going to guess that it has to do with the beach part of the equation.

MyUserName1

really?  because beaches tend to be outdoors...so there should be plenty of space...

mkrupar

OP if you're getting married on Lake Erie I don't get the limited to 50 people part. It's Lake Erie. A Great Lake. Huge...

number55

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-helpadvice-ceremonyreception-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67826a99-ca73-46be-b97d-5ef40a8cc018Post:98626908-7913-4960-bf24-3ce2202012d3">Re: Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue</a>:
[QUOTE]really?  because beaches tend to be outdoors...so there should be plenty of space...
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

<div>I am only guessing by her OP.  Maybe it's a small beach? All I know is she said small beach wedding. The only thing that would lead me to believe that any intelligent human being would book a venue that fit 50 for a wedding of 200 is because they really wanted a specific venue.  And in this case I am guessing it's the beach. </div>

MyUserName1

Well, if the venue is that important, time to snip snip the guest list.

I'd choose family and friends over a venue any day, but maybe that's just me.

RaptorSLH

Agreed.  The only way a separate guest list works is if it is limited to siblings/parents/grandparents ONLY, and even then you can expect a lot of hurt feelings.

Better would be eating the loss and finding a ceremony venue that will hold all the people, (have you checked local rental companies for more chairs?) or cutting your guest list for both events to only those that will fit (presuming STDs have not gone out.)  "Check yes or no" will likely result in most people wanting to come to both, because a wedding is a single event, and your guests should be invited to both the ceremony and reception.

Go ahead and tell us it's not an option, but you won't get posters on the etiquette board to support such a plan.

staceycaine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-helpadvice-ceremonyreception-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:67826a99-ca73-46be-b97d-5ef40a8cc018Post:1570c9f8-aa45-44f6-a5a5-5431b8e184ff">Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone:)  <strong>I have tried to search through to see if it is bad etiqutte to invite people to the reception only, however I didn't seem to find my answer.</strong>  So here is my scenario... My fiance and I are having a small beach wedding by the Lake in Cleveland.  Due to the location we have a limited amount of space and chairs =50.  Our problem is that we have a guest list of over 200 people and it isn't that we do not want the people to come to both the ceremony and reception but we simply cannot hold a 200 people ceremony at our location.  Does anyone have any suggestions of how we can handle this (without changing the cermeony location because it is already paid for and not really an option for us)? I wasn't sure whether we should just send out invites of both to everyone and have them check yes or no for the ceremony and reception so we get a headcount for the ceremony and pray that a small amount actually come to the ceremony OR if we should just send out ceremony invites to the must have people (very close family and friends).  Please any advice will do. Thanks
Posted by strwberrykisez21[/QUOTE]

I find this hard to believe.

skantrowitz

I'm okay with the close family ceremony and bigger reception option, but it sounds like i'm outvoted here. Either find a bigger venue for the ceremony or only invite people to the reception if they're also invited to the ceremony.

RebeccaB88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-helpadvice-ceremonyreception-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:67826a99-ca73-46be-b97d-5ef40a8cc018Post:1570c9f8-aa45-44f6-a5a5-5431b8e184ff">Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone:)  I have tried to search through to see if it is bad etiqutte to invite people to the reception only, however I didn't seem to find my answer.  Posted by strwberrykisez21[/QUOTE]

Then you didn't look hard enough. This is discussed on almost a daily basis.

You get to either find a bigger venue or cut the hell out of your guest list. 

Some people are okay with the private ceremony/big reception thing, but for me, if I'm going to one event, I'm damn sure going to the other.  It's a matched set and you need to want me at both or neither.  The ceremony is the most important part, and the reception is to say thank-you for attending the most important part. 

I kinda want an answer too... if you KNEW you had a 200 person guest list, why did you book something that will only hold a quarter of that? 

mollyehren

Another option not yet mentioned is invite your 50 people to the wedding and go out to dinner afterwards. Then send out announcements to everyone else about the wedding and invite them to a congratulatory party. You cannot at that party have anything weddingish like bridal gown, first dances, garter toss, ect.

number55

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-helpadvice-ceremonyreception-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67826a99-ca73-46be-b97d-5ef40a8cc018Post:50c2ffb7-8f9f-4f89-b3a4-be89e3b24c5c">Re: Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Another option not yet mentioned is invite your 50 people to the wedding and go out to dinner afterwards. Then send out announcements to everyone else about the wedding and invite them to a <strong>congratulatory party</strong>. You cannot at that party have anything weddingish like bridal gown, first dances, garter toss, ect.
Posted by mollyehren[/QUOTE]

<div>this screams gift grab to me. </div>

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-helpadvice-ceremonyreception-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67826a99-ca73-46be-b97d-5ef40a8cc018Post:9429d863-1966-4816-9299-56d6a3ab250a">Re: Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue : this screams gift grab to me. 
Posted by number55[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Yup.  OP, don't go with that idea.  It feels icky.</div>

mollyehren

Sorry forgot to mention you would make it clear you do not want gifts.

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-helpadvice-ceremonyreception-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67826a99-ca73-46be-b97d-5ef40a8cc018Post:0819f5bd-1bab-4f53-95c8-88e0adbfe77e">Re: Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry forgot to mention you would make it clear you do not want gifts.
Posted by mollyehren[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm not sure how one would do that.  I think people would still feel like they should bring a gift.  </div>

stefaniewattie

I did this. When we started planning our wedding I fell in love with a rooftop ceremony venue that held 60 people..I had a guest list of 190.
We decided to host a small ceremony and large reception.
8 (yes 8!) months later..after probably 7.5 of those months I spent going back and forth, feeling awful, etc..trying to justify it for myself because I LOVED the rooftop-and coming on here hoping someone would tell me it was ok - ps, i didnt get that
..I couldnt justify it and I realized I wanted EVERYONE we loved to see us get married. apparantly, I CANT be selfish. My biggest excuse was that i couldnt get my deposit back, it was already a done deal..etc etc..
I contacted the venue and they gave me my deposit back..(yay!) even though they didnt have to (you dont know unless you ask!!) and now we are having the ceremony at the same place as our reception with EVERYONE we love, and you wouldnt believe how much less stress and how much happier and more excited i am for the wedding. Yes we have to have a gap now, because theyre in the same space so the staff need time to change over from ceremony to reception setup-but honestly when i weighed the 2 options, i chose the gap and having everyone we loved there.
I really hope you change your mind-if you were 100% happy about your choice, you wouldnt have came here and asked, I would definitly look into cancelling and rethinking your plans, it will be worth it. promise.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-helpadvice-ceremonyreception-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67826a99-ca73-46be-b97d-5ef40a8cc018Post:bec955c3-491e-4e83-bef9-bba15721f073">Re: Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue : I'm not sure how one would do that.  I think people would still feel like they should bring a gift.  
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]
I would still feel like I should bring something.

It's like when you go to a friends house for dinner or something...

"What can I bring?"
"Nothing but yourself!"

And then you show up with a bottle of wine or a dessert.


Plus, stating that you don't want gifts, sort of says that you otherwise expected gifts, which is awkward unto itself.

DramaGeek

OP, if you do as mollyehren says, what you host is just a party, period.  Not at all wedding related.  No mention of your wedding.  Just a regular ol' summer bbq.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-helpadvice-ceremonyreception-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67826a99-ca73-46be-b97d-5ef40a8cc018Post:58f33a32-6523-4d5a-b606-407c4018170b">Re: Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, if you do as mollyehren says, what you host is just a party, period.  Not at all wedding related.  No mention of your wedding.  <strong>Just a regular ol' summer bbq.</strong>
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]
Which are amazing.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-helpadvice-ceremonyreception-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:67826a99-ca73-46be-b97d-5ef40a8cc018Post:8a870379-c735-40a5-a38d-26df1facc515">Re: Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue : That kind of surprises me. But yeah, you can't do a tiered ceremony. Either cut your guestlist by 150 people or find a bigger venue. Edited for wording. I also agree that if you have an immediate family only ceremony, you should be okay
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

Chels, she meant "<em>I didn't find the answer I actually wanted to hear.</em>"

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-helpadvice-ceremonyreception-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:67826a99-ca73-46be-b97d-5ef40a8cc018Post:2e202a9a-2a3b-4a93-b743-4d9b984c41b8">Re: Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need some help/advice on the ceremony/reception issue : Which are amazing.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

Yes they are.  That was our original wedding plan, actually.  Get married on a softball field and have a bbq with lawn games as a reception.  then we decided to move the wedding from August to December and, well, with an average temp of 45 and lots of rain in December that didn't work out.  i still sometimes dream of the bbq reception...