all this talk of gifts...

SugarBrideOct10

If someone came to your wedding and didn't give you a gift, would you stiff them at their wedding?  Or if someone gives you $100 (or $1000 )for a gift, would you give them the same amount for their wedding?

I probably wouldn't get a gift for someone who didn't get me anything.  Or maybe I would get them something ugly

vixey

It seems a little petty to not get them something.  Maybe they were having financial problems and really couldn't swing it.  I say if you can afford it and are in a position to get them something, it's the right thing to do.

For the second part, I don't think you need to price match the gifts given.  In a perfect world you could, but people are in different financial situations and that would dictate what type of a gift is given.

crfische

That's effing lame. I don't invite people for gifts. I invite them to spend the day with me. Perhaps their financial situation is different than mine? I'm just glad that they came.

And you? You are petty. Not getting someone something because they didn't get you something? Jerk.

andy71781

yeah I'd probably give my friend a gift regardless of whether they gave me one.  I'm not a petty jerk though - so you know.

SugarBrideOct10

I happen to find it pretty 'jerky' to come to a party empty handed.  Even when I go to a dinner party, I bring some wine.  A birthday party, I bring a present.  A wedding?!  You should definately bring SOMETHING!  So to the one person who didn't get us a gift (and is not poor by any means), we are probably not getting him much of anything for his wedding.  Maybe he could consider the free dinner and amazing entertainment at our wedding our gift to him?

Beachy730

Ditto Fish and Andy.  I actually just though about this today because BIL is getting married next year and H and I are both in the wedding.  They have no money  at all.  I know for a fact that MIL bought my shower gift that FSIL gave me, and they managed to give us a decent gift at the wedding somehow.  But we paid for his tux rental, and did what we could to help them out.  I won't fly home for her shower, but you can be sure I'll send them a nice gift.  And for the wedding we will put a pretty good amount in the card.  H mentioned flying home for his stag, but I said they would much more appreciate the money for a flight in a gift.  I would feel horrible giving them a crap gift just because they aren't as okay financially as we are.

Beachy730

However we do have all our gifts from our wedding and shower written down, and will probably use that as a guide for future weddings.  A friend that got married a month after us we gave the exact same gift to (actually we gave $1 more just to one up them).  But I would hate to only put $150 in someones card and then find out that they gave us $250.  I don't think its necessary, but if we have the financial means at the time I would like to at least match their gift if they are getting married close to ours.

SugarBrideOct10

I guess I can understand the financially downtrodden ppl who truly can't afford to give an appropriate gift.  I would give them what I thought appropriate regardless of what they gave me.  But not for the people who are just cheap.

Nebb

I pretty much give the same amount for wedding gifts to anyone, regardless of what theyve gotten me. I will never get someone LESS than what they got me either.

I had friends who came to the wedding and gave us an IOU for dinner someday when their finances are better. I thought it was a sweet gesture.

crfische

If nothing else, the Etiquette board is a constant reminder of how awesome the people I choose to have in my life are. It amazes me that people like this actually exits. I mean, it shouldn't surprise me anymore, but it does.

PharmacyBride

The only people who wouldn't get me a gift are the ones who couldn't afford to.  I wouldn't hold that against them.

I would only match the gift if it is at least what I normally spend on gifts and if I can afford to.  I won't go broke trying to give a gift I can't afford to give.

I usually give the same amount to every wedding I go to.  If the wedding was super nice.. I feel my gift is good enough to justify two plates.  If the wedding is on the cheaper/casual side-- I figure they need the money more than anyone else.. so I have no desire to give less.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-talk-of-gifts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68b99f93-3f22-4f4b-b0be-ed7cad45f84fPost:c1c65166-c35a-48a3-96ba-e25b53e9c269">Re: all this talk of gifts...</a>:
[QUOTE]If nothing else, the Etiquette board is a constant reminder of how awesome the people I choose to have in my life are. It amazes me that people like this actually <strong>exits.</strong> I mean, it shouldn't surprise me anymore, but it does.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

Sadly, people like this usually don't exit your life. 

stephasuasu

Wow, that vikings fan is harsh! You are NOT a jerk, Sugarbride! Does everyone know the history of weddings?? It goes back to the old days when the brides father would provide a dowry to the couple for the establishment of new household. Of couse, that has evolved, and now everyone chips in at a wedding and helps give the couple a little something to start their new life together.

That being said, I think that 99.5% believe in gift giving at a wedding and couples have come to accept that! So to say you just want your friends and family to spend the day with you is sweet and everything, but clearly the average american couple would not be throwing an event that averages a cost of $30,000 if the custom of gift giving was thrown out the window. Because helloooooo, that $30,000 spent would then be taken and spent on a home down payment instead of on a party.

crfische

WHO SUMMONED THE CRAZY PEOPLE.

Step forward. Now.

Beachy730

Steph- I'm more than aware of the wedding tradition.  And I personally would never go to a wedding without a gift.  But i wouldn't fault someone or hold it against them if they couldn't afford one.  And there are instances all the time where cards and gifts go missing at weddings, and what if they got you an amazing gift that got lost and you stiffed them? 
We had all different amounts of gifts at our wedding.  And since it was family and good friends we are pretty familiar with most of their financial situations.  So we know who doesn't have money, and who was cheap.  We had several friends at our wedding who are engaged and planning their own weddings.  We probably can't travel for their wedding but will give them at least the same amount, and we won't even cost them anything.  But we aren't saving for a wedding like they were, and we will give what we want to give.

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-talk-of-gifts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:68b99f93-3f22-4f4b-b0be-ed7cad45f84fPost:dc34b786-9a12-44bf-a37f-87534f798e3c">Re: all this talk of gifts...</a>:
[QUOTE]WHO SUMMONED THE CRAZY PEOPLE. Step forward. Now.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

<div>I did.  Just for fun.</div><div>
</div><div>Okay, no I didn't.  If only I had that power.  I've been missing the crazy MUD lately.</div>

2dBride

Our attitude was that we did not want people staying home from our wedding because they could not afford to give us a gift.  If we invited them at all, it was because we wanted them to celebrate with us, gift or no.  Yes, there were people who did not give us a gift.  However, there is no way we would assume that was a malevolent act for which we needed to get revenge.

As for trying to distinguish between the "financially downtrodden" and those who are "just cheap," there is no way.  People can have financial demands or financial reversals you know nothing about.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-talk-of-gifts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68b99f93-3f22-4f4b-b0be-ed7cad45f84fPost:c5e2e005-eec4-4142-974a-69503046d9d6">Re: all this talk of gifts...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: all this talk of gifts... : I did.  Just for fun. Okay, no I didn't.  If only I had that power.  I've been missing the crazy MUD lately.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

I swear its been all over the place today.  i've been ridiculously bored today so I've basically been on here all day, and its been bad. 

ootmother2

that vikings fan should beat some manners into Sugar & Stef

that's all

aplatanada

I can think of at least 3 couples that came to our wedding without a gift or a card. 

I couldn't care less. In fact, I had a total blast with one couple who helped tear it up on the dance floor. That was way more memorable and important to me than a check or a place setting. 

But I will definitely keep in mind that my 9 year old nephew gave me NOTHING. Jerk. I'll remember that when he gets married.

qwerty777

We tend to give the same amount of gift regardless of how close we are, but we don't spend much on gifts to begin with. The only time I've worried about "price matching" a gift was right after our wedding we had three friends get married, so we made sure to get something as close to the same amount as they spent on us. Those weddings were all within two months of ours. After that, we went back to the normal amount that we spend.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-talk-of-gifts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68b99f93-3f22-4f4b-b0be-ed7cad45f84fPost:94452d92-bfda-48d8-9405-006994e09667">all this talk of gifts...</a>:
[QUOTE]If someone came to your wedding and didn't give you a gift, would you stiff them at their wedding?  Or if someone gives you $100 (or $1000 )for a gift, would you give them the same amount for their wedding? I probably wouldn't get a gift for someone who didn't get me anything.  Or maybe I would get them something ugly :)
Posted by SugarBrideOct10[/QUOTE]

No one quoted OP?  Shame on you, people.

Sugarbride - Weddings are about one's presence, not one's presents.  You should probably learn the difference.  Or you can go through the rest of your life keeping score.  Because that sounds like a great way to live.   

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-talk-of-gifts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68b99f93-3f22-4f4b-b0be-ed7cad45f84fPost:f2f7c81d-7be8-49d4-9864-01dc98776003">Re: all this talk of gifts...</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, that vikings fan is harsh! You are NOT a jerk, Sugarbride! Does everyone know the history of weddings?? It goes back to the old days when the brides father would provide a dowry to the couple for the establishment of new household. Of couse, that has evolved, and now everyone chips in at a wedding and helps give the couple a little something to start their new life together. That being said, I think that 99.5% believe in gift giving at a wedding and couples have come to accept that! So to say you just want your friends and family to spend the day with you is sweet and everything, but clearly<strong> the average american couple would not be throwing an event that averages a cost of $30,000 if the custom of gift giving was thrown out the window. Because helloooooo, that $30,000 spent would then be taken and spent on a home down payment instead of on a party.
</strong>Posted by stephasuasu[/QUOTE]

Um, yeah.  Obviously everyone goes into wedding planning thinking they're going to make that money back in gifts.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" /> 

Most people spend money on a wedding because they like the idea of having a party with their friends and family; not because they expect the party to be paid for.  If that was the case, one would just charge admission to the event.  And, there are MANY, MANY people who have a small wedding and spend the rest of their money to buy a house.  I would include these people in the category of "average american." 

LowerEastSiiide

I would NEVER attend a wedding in which I couldn't afford to give a proper gift. I would be too embarrassed. I make it my rule of thumb to give a little more than I know they spent on me to eat (well an estimation.) I wouldn't want someone to skip my wedding because they couldn't afford a gift, but I just know I would feel embarrassed being in that situation. 

 

Simply Fated

Some of my friends hold tight to the "Give them what they gave you" rule, but I disagree. I honestly don't think that gifts should ever be tit for tat. You should give what you can afford and leave it at that.

Pirata13

Wow, you are petty.

I had one set of friends who did not get us something. They can definitely afford it, but honestly, I think they just forgot. Her mother and his father had passed away within a month of each other, about a month or two before our wedding. I knew what a difficult time they were both having, especially my girlfriend as her mom had lived with them.  These two people are very special to me, and I was just so happy they were there at our wedding.

And I did send them a nice thank you note expressing how happy I was they were there, and that it meant so much to me for them to be there after they'd been going through such a difficult time.

You know, because I have a heart.

Rosie109

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-talk-of-gifts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:68b99f93-3f22-4f4b-b0be-ed7cad45f84fPost:fc6a209c-1c22-4265-86fd-40ec73793d5c">Re: all this talk of gifts...</a>:
[QUOTE]I happen to find it pretty 'jerky' to come to a party empty handed.  Even when I go to a dinner party, I bring some wine.  A birthday party, I bring a present.  A wedding?!  You should definately bring SOMETHING!  So to the one person who didn't get us a gift (and is not poor by any means), we are probably not getting him much of anything for his wedding. <strong> Maybe he could consider the free dinner and amazing entertainment at our wedding our gift to him?</strong>
Posted by SugarBrideOct10[/QUOTE]

<div>More like him being allowed to be around you is your wedding gift to him. :)</div>

TTiger03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-talk-of-gifts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:68b99f93-3f22-4f4b-b0be-ed7cad45f84fPost:6715dec3-9168-41c0-b26a-ba0587665354">Re: all this talk of gifts...</a>:
[QUOTE]I would NEVER attend a wedding in which I couldn't afford to give a proper gift. I would be too embarrassed. I make it my rule of thumb to give a little more than I know they spent on me to eat (well an estimation.) I wouldn't want someone to skip my wedding because they couldn't afford a gift, but I just know I would feel embarrassed being in that situation.   
Posted by LowerEastSiiide[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>You better hope none of your friends go by your rule if you want them at your wedding.  I would much rather have my friends there and forget the gift if that is the only thing keeping them away.  If my friends thought I would hold that against them and make them feel embarrassed or ashamed for not getting me a gift, I would have no idea why they would want me as their friend in the first place.</div><div>
</div><div>As I said to OP in a different thread:  Gifts are <u>never</u> mandatory.</div>

emilyinchile

God, people are idiots.

SugarBride, if you are considering not getting someone a gift because that same person didn't get you one, I say you should do it. Poor guy deserves to know what kind of person you truly are so he can start running for the hills.

Stephasu, I hope that your expensive wedding provides you and brides like you enough happiness to get you through those long nights in the shelter after your poor financial decisions leave you homeless.

janicejab

Wow! A lot of meanness on this topic. Sugarbride- a gift is just that- a gift. If you can afford to give and enjoy giving, you should. I think if not getting a gift from someone upsets you so much you want to stiff them on their gift, you shouldn't go to their wedding at all. It sounds like you'd be sitting there, stewing all night and wouldn't have fun. If you do go, buy the type of present you would want to recieve. Be the better (or better off) person. You never know why people do things, so don't assume they didn't buy you a gift to be a jerk. FI and I went to a wedding this summer and he forgot the card with $ in it. He came across it a few weeks later and felt like crap. He ended up sending it to the newlyweds and apologized for it being late. Guess what? They were gracious and understood because that's how friends are.

DramaGeek

So here's a thought...if your friend gets married first and you give a gift, and then you get married and your friend does not reciprocate, can you ask for the gift back?

Yeah, that's about what I think of the tit for tat gifting.  Give what you can afford to give and don't concern yourself with keeping score.