Wedding Etiquette Forum

Torn. (f/u to FBIL problem)

Some of you may remember a few months ago when I posted about FBIL... he and FI are (still) not talking to each other because of an argument and at the time I was feeling thrown in the middle. To top it off, FBIL suddenly & unexpectedly announced an engagement to his GF. And I just had a weird feeling about the entire situation.

Well the whole thing died down, I washed my hands of it and decided it was not my business to try to patch things up between FI and FBIL.

Their wedding is tomorrow.... we never did get an invite although I wasn't really expecting one. I did send them an invite to our wedding because I refuse to be so petty as to not invite his own brother. They haven't responded yet. 

So my question is... I feel like we should send a gift or at least some kind of acknowledgement... but FI doesn't even want to address it. At all. Should I send them something anyway? Maybe just an email / FB "congrats"? Or continue to stay out of it?

Re: Torn. (f/u to FBIL problem)

  • If your FI doesn't want to send anything, you shouldn't either.  A FB congrats is fine, but I would probably let your FI take the lead in this one.  Sounds tricky.
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  • stephl3055stephl3055 member
    500 Comments
    edited July 2010
    I would probably just send a card. 
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  • If you truly don't want to be in the middle of it, then you need to take yourself out of the middle and not worry about it.  If your FI wants to send a gift or acknowledge the wedding then let him take the steps to do so. 
  • I wouldn't send a gift. They aren't talking. You weren't invited to his wedding. This is between the brothers.
  • Stay out of it and go with your Fh's wishes. If you want to discuss it further with HIM and try to convince him to do something, that's one thing, but don't against his stated wishes for HIS family.
  • Yes, it's quite tricky. I think it doesn't help that I don't really agree with FI and his refusal to work things out with his brother.

  • This is not your fight.  This is between your fi and his brother; leave it that way.  Esp. since you wish your fi would mend fences with his brother - it would be completely passive-aggressive for you to disregard his wishes and send a card to his brother.  Essentially, you'd be making the move you wish your fi would.  It's not your family, it's not your fight. 
  • If you don't agree with how your FI is handling, you need to be taking that up with him, not going against his wishes anyway.  Don't make it worse by sending mixed messages to the family and his brother.
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  • Dani- we've talked about it several times. Basically, I think he should be the bigger person and at least attempt to talk to or make amends with his brother. He refuses to budge and admits that he can be a stubborn diick. So they're in a stalemate - who will break first - kind of situation.

    You're right about the mixed messages, I'll probably just leave it alone.

    FWIW, I did get him to see my point of view and agree to send them an invite to our wedding.
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