vent about money and BM

TTiger03

I was reading a previous thread about a bridesmaid being asked to spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on a friend's wedding.

I'm having the opposite problem with my wedding. 

I have been trying really hard to keep the wedding party costs down and have been good about finding discounts and deals for the dresses and tuxes.

I asked my BM's if they wanted to get hair and makeup and suggested a few places for them to look at and decide if it was something they wanted to do or not and told them I am not requiring it at all.  

One of my BM's said "oooh, we should all get mani's and pedi's too".  The only  OOT BM (currently a student) thought I was offering to pay for her to get anything and everything she wanted and picked the most expensive place going on and on about how awesome it was all going to be.  When I told them I'm sorry if they misunderstood, but I can't afford to pay for all of that for all of them but just wanted to be able to set up appointments together if they wanted them, the OOT acted really offended and said she didn't want anything then.  Two of the others had already said they would have their hair done but didn't want anything else and were happy to pay for one of the stylists on my list, but OOT is trying to tell the others they should make me pay if they have it done.  Now I think I may be stuck paying for hair appointments for all of them when I really didn't care if they went to the salon or not (with the exception of my sister who doesn't even know how to run a brush through her hair.  My mom had already volunteered to pay for her.)

The OOT is now sending me links for photographers and florists and everything else you can think of.  She keeps telling me that these vendors are "awesome" and I should use them all since her local friends suggested them.  1) I already have all my vendors booked. 2) All her links are for vendors that cost 2-3x more than who i have booked and don't seem any better than who I booked. I have told her that I have put deposits on everything already and really couldn't afford her suggestions even if I hadn't.  She just keeps sending me more information on more ways to spend my money.  She also hired her boyfriend's band to come to TX from Pittsburgh for my wedding.  They have decided it would be a fun road trip for the band.  She said she would pay for all of it including travel, then last  month she asked me to send her some hotel lists with prices.  That week she picked the most expensive on the list and told me I needed to book 4 hotel rooms for them for 2 nights (the guys don't want to share rooms).  I told her I was sorry and would have to decline and find a local DJ instead since the hotels would cost several times more than a local DJ.  

I don't want to "fire" her as a BM, but she obviously doesn't understand that I'm not made of money and is making me feel like what I am paying for isn't good enough.

It's not always the bride digging in other's pocket books. 

FutureMrsTR

She sounds like a nutbar, but I'd leave her in the wedding.  Make sure the other bridesmaids know that they're not required to get their hair, makeup or nails done and if they do they need to pay for it.  I'm sure they'll listen to you over crazycakes BM.

Definitely hire a DJ and don't share any more planning details with her.

marissa_claire

Crazy girl!  Tell her to focus on those things when she gets married, but in the meantime just say "I appreciate the suggestion but I've got it under control."  

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

She's annoying, but it will be over eventually. Actually, one of my BMs works in property management and keeps sending another BM apartment listings for places that in the middle of nowhere, when BM2 needs to take the subway to work and doesn't have a car. BM2 is signing a lease on Friday and said, "Maybe now R will stop sending me apartment listings in Pacoima." Your story just kind of reminded me of that.

TTiger03

I have tried to tell her "thanks but no thanks" several times.  I started with just "thank you" but she kept sending stuff. 

She is the same BM that told me she was going to be my MOH  before I even had my ring.  She later backed down and said "maybe your sister should be you MOH. Since I'm out of town I can't really help much anyway".  We decided to not have any MOH or BestMan.  None of our friends or family were better than the others and we prefer to just have them equal.

I think she feels guilty for not being in town and thinks she is helping even though I keep telling her different.   None of my in-town BM's have really done anything other than try on dresses.  I don't expect them to do anything but come to the rehearsal and wedding.  I would love them to come to the bridal shower my sister's MIL is throwing, but it's not a requirement.

leah2b

Yikes.  It sounds like she is trying to be helpful in her own way but doesn't really get it.  Maybe chalk it up to youth and inexperience perhaps.  It stinks that she is causing you unneccessary stress. 

If she offers any more suggestions, I would just tell her that you already have all of your arrangements complete, you are trying to keep your wedding simple and stress free, and you don't want to add anything else.

pizzanfries4me

"I appreciate the suggestion but I've got it under control."  
THIS

If that doesn't stop her, then I would cancel her as part of the wedding party (I'm sorry, I'm a no nonsense kinda girl and thats what I would do if I were in your shoes) Is she a close friend?

noodle_oo

How about just ignoring her emails?  If she's sending them to you, just don't reply.  If she asks about it, just say you are all set and change the subject.  She'll get the idea and even if she doesn't, it can't bother you if you don't let it.

Now for your other bridesmaids, it sounds like you've already told them you can't pay for their appointments.  That is totally fine and she can't bully you into paying for it if you don't want to.  She's acting crazy.  If she's telling the other BMs that you should apy for it, just email them separately and say "while I wish I could, I just can't afford to pay for your hair/make-up.  If you'd like to get it done, I can arrange appointments but if not, it is fine with me if you do it yourself".  Or something like that.  They'll understand.  Just be nice and firm in your email. 

Sorry your friend is acting this way.  But just remember,she can't force you to do anything and it only bothers you if you let it.  Just don't talk to her about the wedding and definitely don't take any of her suggestions or favors since they seem to come with strings.