Destination wedding "plus one"

Summer2013Bride

I'll preface this post by saying that I have only sent out save the dates for my wedding and that I did not put "and guest" on any of them.
My wedding is a very small, intimate destination wedding.  A few of the friends I've invited are single.  I verbally told them in passing that they would be given a plus one to bring a date.  I have now had a couple of people tell me that they are planning to bring a samesex friend along as their "plus one" none of whom are mutual friends. 
I don't want to be rude to these guests, but the reason our wedding is so small is that we want only those who are closest to us there, not a bunch of strangers.  Plus, we already had to cut a lot of people from our list who we would have loved to invite including relatives and don't know how we'd explain this situation to them.  I verbally told these people that they'd get to bring a date many months ago a with the thought that they may have a significant other come the wedding date and b before I realized how limited our venue truly is.
It seems passive aggressive to just wait until we send the invitation and not put "and guest" without giving them a heads up. But, is it rude to call them and tell them that we are thrilled they're coming and know they will have a great time as will the guest traveling but hope they understand that the friend won't be able to attend the rehearsal dinner or wedding?  If we were having a 300 person wedding this would be a totally different story...
Any thoughts would be very much appreciated!

jessicabessica

If you already told them they could bring a plus one, you're stuck, and you cannot reject their choice of plus one.  Think of how much more enjoyable their trip will be if they get to bring a plus one. 

Are you actually having venue space issues?  I cannot really tell from your post.

lyndausvi

You already told them they were getting a plus one.  It's pretty rude for you to go back on your word just because they chose a same-sex friend to join them on vacation.  How do you know they haven't made reservations yet?

Summer2013Bride

1 they haven't made reservations 2 I told them they could bring a "date" 3 This is not a trip where everyone will be staying together so they are welcome to travel with their friend they just shouldn't come to the actual wedding...Most people are planning to travel on their own for a few weeks after or before the wedding so the wedding is more of a stop along the way than a true "destination". Apologies for the poor formatting I'm typing on my phone.

lyndausvi

I think think it's lame to tell friends close enough to get an invite that they can bring a date to a DW and then go back on your word.

A "date" does not have to be an opposite-sex-romantic person.

ETA - 

date:

An engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.b. One's companion on such an outing.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

If you're the one hosting, and you gave a verbal invitation for a plus one, you're stuck. Sorry. You also can't control if someone brings a same-sex or opposite-sex date.

In addition, since it's a destination wedding and people are traveling, it's REALLY much nicer to allow a plus one.

courtski2004

So you told them that they could bring someone, they've decided to, and now you don't think that the 'date' should be able to come to the wedding purely because of who your guest chose to accompany them?

I guarantee that you won't notice this plus one, and it will not ruin your wedding day. If you were willing to go so far as to extend the verbal invitation and pay for them to bring a date, don't get judgy when they don't bring who you thought they would.

brielleinlove

Why are you okay with "strangers" attending your wedding if they're the opposite sex of the friend given the plus one, but not okay with it if they're the same sex?  This is some BS right here.

morvanferguson2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae3d2e0-9fb0-430d-9ca1-c28542c3cb00Post:47ea02fd-75c3-4fd2-98bd-5753e2c407d3">Re: Destination wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Why are you okay with "strangers" attending your wedding if they're the opposite sex of the friend given the plus one, but not okay with it if they're the same sex?  This is some BS right here.
Posted by brielleinlove[/QUOTE]

Im sure she meant that she is uncomfortable having her guests bring a friend, as opposed to a significant other. I dont think that the sex of the person is the emphasis, rather the casual vs. serious nature of the different relationships you would have with a friend or a significant other...

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae3d2e0-9fb0-430d-9ca1-c28542c3cb00Post:7c8dc461-7066-47d1-9289-763c0004453f">Re: Destination wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Destination wedding : Im sure she meant that she is uncomfortable having her guests bring a friend, as opposed to a significant other. I dont think that the sex of the person is the emphasis, rather the casual vs. serious nature of the different relationships you would have with a friend or a significant other...
Posted by morvanferguson2013[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't think it matters. I agree with Brielle. If the couple hasn't met him or her, the person is a stranger either way, and if I bring my BFF of 10 years, my "relationship" with her is just as "serious" as it is with my boyfriend of X months, so what difference does it make who I bring? I realize the friend being brought may be a newer or casual friend, but I still don't think it matters. </div>

aurianna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae3d2e0-9fb0-430d-9ca1-c28542c3cb00Post:cf68f221-5871-4422-a25e-ba2870e7e4c3">Re:Destination wedding "plus one"</a>:
[QUOTE] This is not a trip where everyone will be staying together so they are welcome to travel with their friend they just shouldn't come to the actual wedding...[/QUOTE]

So you'd have your guest (and their friend) spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars to come to your wedding location, but not let your guest actually enjoy their friend's company during the wedding? And you'd just let that friend, what? Sit alone in the hotel room during the rehearsal dinner and wedding?

That makes it so awkward for so many people.
<strong>Guest</strong>: Hey friend, I don't want to travel by myself to this destination wedding. Will you come with me?
<strong>Friend</strong>: That would be really fun! I've heard that location has really great food. Do you know what they're serving at the wedding?
<strong>Guest</strong>: Well, you can't come to the wedding. You'll have to feed yourself that first night... and entertain yourself most of the next day.
<strong>Friend</strong>: Uh... so what am I supposed to do during those several hours?
<strong>Guest</strong>: Well you could hang out in our hotel room. Or I know, you could sight-see, by yourself, in a foreign land... just don't go too far off the resort!
<strong>Friend</strong>: So you want me to pay for plane tickets and a hotel room... only to spend a good portion of the trip alone while you get food, drinks and dancing?
<strong>Guest</strong>: *nod*


ETA:
I'd never go to a destination wedding unless it was very close family or friend. It's so expensive for the guests, and if it's far enough away, it's possibly time off of work. Anyone that you love enough to invite and who loves you enough to go through all that time and expense to share your day with you, you really should offer them the option of having a traveling companion, and offer that traveling companion a seat at your wedding, especially if you've already told them as much.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae3d2e0-9fb0-430d-9ca1-c28542c3cb00Post:b8e1694a-13d0-46e2-9a49-fff3a9608b14">Re: Destination wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Destination wedding : Disagree. I am just as likely to go on vacation with my best friend, mother, or sister as I am to go on one with my husband, and I've known them all longer than I've known him. I'd consider those relationships just as "serious" as I consider my marriage.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

exactly.  

My BFF's husband will not fly.  I've been her 'date' at a DW before.  We made a trip out of it.

JennyR01

In Response to Re:Destination wedding "plus one":[QUOTE]Why are you okay with quot;strangersquot; attending your wedding if they're the opposite sex of the friend given the plus one, but not okay with it if they're the same sex? nbsp;This is some BS right here. Posted by brielleinlove[/QUOTE]

Agreed. As a single girl I would have never traveled alone, so if I didn't have a boyfriend at the time of the wedding, I would definitely want to have a friend join me. I'd decline an invite to travel to a DW solo.

Summer2013Bride

Ok folks I get it. For the record I never actually gave anyone a formal "plus one". The offhand comment was made a year ago and meant as a "you may have a serious significant other in a year and a half."

courtski2004

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae3d2e0-9fb0-430d-9ca1-c28542c3cb00Post:ae62d0bd-563c-488a-bb09-f887aa043fe1">Re:Destination wedding "plus one"</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok folks I get it. For the record<strong> I never actually</strong> gave anyone a formal "plus one". <strong>The offhand comment</strong> was made a year ago and <strong>meant</strong> as a "you may have a serious significant other in a year and a half."
Posted by Summer2013Bride[/QUOTE]

Me thinks you don't get it. You said it, and your guests remember that. I remember two friends of ours who attended our wedding that said 'I'm so sorry that we didn't bring your gift, I'm making you something and it wasn't quite finished yet. I'll get it to you as soon as I can!' Well, that was over a year and a half ago. I remember it because they were genuine when they said it and now I know they probably never intended to give us anything (which is FINE), but don't tell me you're making us something if you have no intention of doing so. Just don't address it.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. They heard you say 'bring a date!', so they are planning accordingly to bring a plus one. Unless you qualified your statement with WHO they could bring, you're pretty much stuck.</div>

kabieber

I think inviting anyone to a dw without a plus one (be it significant other or friend) is just poor form. Case in point, my fi was invited to a dw when we were first dating. Invites went out right before we met. He was invited solo. They had to take a cruise to get to the location of the dw. So he was stuck ... alone ... on a cruise ship ... for 6 days ... just to attend this wedding. The guy is one of his best friends so he did it, but he was MISERABLE.

Summer2011Bride

Whether it was a year ago or not, whether it was said in passing or handwritten, you told them at one point they could bring a plus one, and I guess unfortunately for you, they remember. I would remember that too. You can't go back on your word now. If you were OK paying for another place at the wedding to begin with, why is it not OK now? Just because their date is not a romantic partner? That just seems odd. Plus I would never travel to a DW alone. If I brought a friend and couldn't bring him/her to the wedding with me, I probably would just not go at all. I would just let them bring a friend.

Knottie_22388587

I think destination weddings are an exception, however my general opinoin is:

I think it is SO lame to not allow your guests to bring a plus one.  If your guests are in a serious relationship, and you are aware of this, then you SHOULD LET THEM BRING THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

Seriously people - I have been to SO many weddings in the last year, and my experience is that having a date makes it bearable, and fun.  Not having a date makes me want to leave ASAP after dinner is served.  No matter how you slice it, most weddings are boring 50%-60% of the time.  And if you want people to dance - well let me tell you, NOBODY wants to dance alone on the dance floor, especially if they are in a committed relationship and their partner is stuck at home.  How do you expect your guests to have fun?

I have made a vow not to attend any more weddings where my SO wasn't invited.  If they really want me to attend they'll give me a plus one…otherwise I just assume my attendance isn't that important, and I'm more of a c-list guest!