failed marriages

alison1958

The son of a friend of mine got  married back in Sept of 2009. Less than 6 months later, the bride decided she didn't want to be married to him anymore. She moved back home and get this, took up with her husbands' brother. Thats another story. My question is-is she obligated to send the gifts back??

AmoroAgain

No....?  Why would she be? 

baystateapple

I don't think so.  The bride and groom are obligated to return gifts if the marriage was canceled, but the marriage happened.  Granted, it was short, but it still happened, so no, they don't have to return gifts.

jnic0319

Yes.  They are suppose to send them back if they split within the first year of marriage.

danieliza1127

I don't think she's obligated to send the gifts back.  I'm not sure what etiquette dictates, but in my opinion since the wedding went through and it's been about 6 months, I'd say no she doesn't have to.

L-Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_failed-marriages?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6b00affa-8aae-41a6-9acc-41a27f6d93d2Post:3f25bc4d-cec4-4d73-9adc-0dd0e64436f6">Re: failed marriages</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes.  They are suppose to send them back if they split within the first year of marriage.
Posted by jnic0319[/QUOTE]

Really? I never knew this.

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_failed-marriages?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6b00affa-8aae-41a6-9acc-41a27f6d93d2Post:3f25bc4d-cec4-4d73-9adc-0dd0e64436f6">Re: failed marriages</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes.  They are suppose to send them back if they split within the first year of marriage.
Posted by jnic0319[/QUOTE]

Where did you get this? 

My understanding is that, if the wedding takes place, the couple is under no obligation to return gifts.  Besides - would anyone want a blender that's been used for a year? 

swtasa

Probably not. It's not like they cancelled the wedding. People gave them gifts to celebrate their marriage. It didn't work out .

AmoroAgain

So, they split after 6 months, she goes through and gets all the used gifts and sends them back?  Um... no thanks.  Especially if they're towels or sheets or anything like that. Yuck.

aragx6

In Response to Re: failed marriages:
[QUOTE Besides - would anyone want a blender that's been used for a year? 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

That's my question. The giver of the gidft couldn't return it anyway, so what would be the point?

Morfudd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_failed-marriages?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6b00affa-8aae-41a6-9acc-41a27f6d93d2Post:3f25bc4d-cec4-4d73-9adc-0dd0e64436f6">Re: failed marriages</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes.  They are suppose to send them back if they split within the first year of marriage.
Posted by jnic0319[/QUOTE]

But... presumably by six months they have used most of their wedding gifts, so what good is it to get them back?

Now, if it's a family heirloom of some sort, I'd understand, but... good luck getting the sheets back in the packaging.

georgia_bride09

You sure are judgy, OP.

FutureMrsTR

Eh, I'd probably judge a little bit too if someone I knew left their husband of 6 months for her brother in law.  I wouldn't expect (or want) to get my gift back, though.

ETA:  some of that judging would be for the BIL, too, not just the wife.

SparrowSong

Just skip getting her a gift when she marries BIL.

andyandhillary

I'd say no especially when what is the likelihood that the gifts could be returned anyway?  Or checks paid back?  What if that money was used as a down payment on a house.  It's not like you can easily give that money back (especially with a divorce coming on). 

salt78

No, but she shouldn't be expecting a lot of presents if she wants to marry the husband's brother next. That's shady.

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_failed-marriages?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6b00affa-8aae-41a6-9acc-41a27f6d93d2Post:a553331b-11f7-46ac-900e-5d82cd80d75d">Re: failed marriages</a>:
[QUOTE]Eh, I'd probably judge a little bit too if someone I knew left their husband of 6 months for her brother in law.  I wouldn't expect (or want) to get my gift back, though. ETA:  some of that judging would be for the BIL, too, not just the wife.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

True, but there are always two sides to every story.  OP heard the story from the groom's mother - I'd take it with a grain of salt.  Curious how OP said "is she obligated to give the gifts back" instead of "are they obligated". 

hccpsu

I've always heard the rule of returning if the marriage lasts less than a year, too.  Most people would say no, please keep the gift, but if it were me I'd make the effort to contact people to ask about returning it.  One of my former roommates was married less than a year and did contact guests about returning gifts.

It doesn't sound like this girl would be too concerned about etiquette, though.

jlmarks83

My brother got cheated on after 14 months of marriage.  I'm ticked that she kept what I gave them for their wedding.  If anything, I would rather he have it then her.

Though, I did take the afghan my mom made them.  It's now in my guest room. 

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_failed-marriages?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6b00affa-8aae-41a6-9acc-41a27f6d93d2Post:54816931-f461-4255-a4d7-2a8c37f7b415">Re: failed marriages</a>:
[QUOTE]My brother got cheated on after 14 months of marriage.  I'm ticked that she kept what I gave them for their wedding.  If anything, I would rather he have it then her. Though, I did take the afghan my mom made them.  It's now in my guest room.  :)
Posted by jlmarks83[/QUOTE]
Yeah, but that's inside the family.  That's different, imo.

AlmostSt.Laurent

I too have always heard that if the marriage lasts less than a year, you have to return the gifts. Would I expect or want one back in this situation? No. Like PP's have said, I don't think I would want someone to return a used gift to me.


ETA: I guess I shouldn't say "in this situation" because for ANY wedding where it didn't last, I wouldn't want my used gift back.

squirrly

I've heard the one year thing too, but not in a long time and not from a reputable source.  It would certainly be polite of the bride AND groom to offer to return the gifts, or the cash value of them, but only if they can afford to do so.  The gift was given upon the condition of getting married, which they did.  Why add insult to injury and demand the return of gifts they've used and thus may not be able to afford to repurchase for return to the giver?

LoveBugBaby

I've also always heard that if the wedding has taken place, they're not obligated to send gifts back - only if the wedding was called off and didn't happen do they return gifts.  The whole "if it's less then a year" thing sounds completely stupid.  For one, like everyone else said, who wants a used gift back?? Because 6 months is plenty of time to open boxes, throw the boxes out, and start using all the gifts!  For two, most stores have 30/60/90 day return policies, and a lot of people either don't give gift receipts, or don't keep receipts - thus leaving them with a used gift they can't even return. 

So, no, I don't think they should have to return any gifts... does it suck you bought them something nice and now they're not together, sure.  But, I'm also sure one of them is keeping the item and will continue to use it.  Just cut your losses and move on!

jnic0319

It's just something I've always heard, can't tell you where I first heard it from so I could be wrong.

jessjo04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_failed-marriages?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6b00affa-8aae-41a6-9acc-41a27f6d93d2Post:e82fb889-f550-4b55-8379-24aaebfdf374">Re: failed marriages</a>:
[QUOTE]You sure are judgy, OP.
Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

I'm going to have to agree with this. I doubt you know all the details of why they split.

On the positive side, only 3 more months and all most wedding gifts are mine for good!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_failed-marriages?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6b00affa-8aae-41a6-9acc-41a27f6d93d2Post:3f25bc4d-cec4-4d73-9adc-0dd0e64436f6">Re: failed marriages</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes.  They are suppose to send them back if they split within the first year of marriage.
Posted by jnic0319[/QUOTE]

I had always heard this too! (As though people get married as a sham just for the gifts and then get an annulment after loading up with stuff?) But other posters make good points - it might rub me the wrong way that I spent a good chunk of money to set the couple up for their new life together that lasted 6 months, but *I* don't need that toaster back.

ETA - maybe it has something to do with the "honeymoon" phase being about a year, and if you annul the marriage in that time all bets are off? Who knows.

ohwhynot

Isn't the whole idea behind "don't use gifts you receive pre-wedding until after you're married" so that if the wedding doesn't take place, the guests can return the gifts?   That wouldn't be the case once they're used.  

alison1958

thank you all so much for all your comentments. alot of them made sense. i didn't expect such a big response so soon after posting. i just wanted to know what the proper ediquitte was in this situation. i really don't want the gift back. but I hope she left it with him. he would need it more than her. she moved back home and is living with the brother. and besides he is in the military, and I would much rather he had it.

jessjo04

Why should he get all the gifts? She got married too. They were gifts for the couple. If anything, they should split them evenly.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_failed-marriages?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6b00affa-8aae-41a6-9acc-41a27f6d93d2Post:c9ba5372-8086-4069-a524-d6324fe8b947">Re: failed marriages</a>:
[QUOTE]Isn't the whole idea behind "don't use gifts you receive pre-wedding until after you're married" so that if the wedding doesn't take place, the guests can return the gifts?   That wouldn't be the case once they're used.  
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

Yes, BUT I think you could also look at it another way - traditionally, those gifts are for the bride and groom's new life together/to help set up their household. Back in the olden days, I suppose if the marriage didn't work out, the bride would be moving back home and the groom would be moving to his bachelor pad, so there wouldn't be a "new life" or "new home" to help set up anymore. But now... well, it's likely one or the other will keep the house or apartment.