When others change your wedding plans...

tflesch

My fiance and I had decided on an extremely small wedding this fall and a large inclusive one in the not so distant future. No plans were made for the future one, but it will happen.
This fall we were inviting only our immediate family. My mom, step dad, grandma and brothers, his mom, dad, grandma and brother.

Initially we wanted to Elope but we thought it best to include our closest family members.

My Future Mother in Law decided to invite her sisters because they have supported and loved my Fiance through his life. They all live close by where we're having the small ceremony. Also, his cousin is having a destination wedding around the time we thought about having our inclusive ceremony, so they'd rather come to this small one than spend money to go to another state like everyone else. I didn't agree to inviting them. What am I supposed to do now? My close friends and family who have supported me and nurtured me can't come! I don't think it's fair, but how do I uninvite his Aunts? I don't want to look like the crazy future wife, but I'm not happy about this change.

Please help!

LizzyRB

Why not just do one large wedding?

holbpisc

Two weddings?  Sorry I don't get this at all.

amymaysa

Just have one wedding..large or small

AriesAngel86

What does your Fiance think about all this? It's his family, so if you're on the same page he should be talking his mother about it.

Are you thinking about doing a big reception in the future? If so, usually that is looked down upon becaue the reception is meant for a thank you for guests that watched you get married.

ahhhitsshannyn

I agree with one wedding. Two weddings is incredibly silly. Also, you say "I don't want to look like the crazy future wife!" You do realize this is your husbands wedding too, right? If he doesn't want people there, he can tell them. If he does, then you guys need to come to an agreement together.

Whatever you do, do not let other people invite people. Nip it in the bud and tell people right away you are planning a small wedding and you hope to see them for Christmas or something.

MrsL2014

Ugh! That sounds very upsetting. I would probably have your FI talk with his mother and tell her that is not in the plans and this is not what the two of you want. Let her have the talk with her sisters and un-invite them since it was not her job to invite anyone in the first place.

Also, as for what others said, only do one wedding. I could see in the future, doing a renewing of the vows, but those are normally smaller than your first wedding.

What is the reason for wanting such a small wedding to begin with and then a big one in the future?

tflesch

We didn't have the time or funds to do a traditional wedding yet, but didn't want to wait. We thought it would be better to do one small intimate ceremony, then a large blessing of the marriage and renewal of vows in the future when we can give a really good party. This ceremony in the fall is near courtroom casual, but we still want a religious feel to it seeing as he's going to be a Priest one day.

There is no party and it doesn't cost to have more people, but I hate the idea of my closest friends and families not being able to attend and get mad that we let exceptions through.

gurrlballa10

You actually can't have two weddings.  A wedding is where you get married....and unless you are getting divorced in between the two, it's impossible to have two.

Plus, ya know, it's rude to want to have a Pretty Princess Day after you chose to get married in a small ceremony.  Just sayin'.

rsanna

OP, why can't you wait?  If you have anyone attending your ceremony, you really should properly host them afterwards.  You don't even need to have a really good party.  A simple ceremony with cake and punch is just fine. It seems that if you hate the idea of close friends and family not being able to attend so much then you should just have (as PPs have said) one wedding. You are making this more complicated than it needs to be.

handheld

 If you want your close friends and family there then invite them too, is the venue to small or something?

tflesch

I'm not having a second wedding, I'm having a reaffirmation of my vows and reception.
 
Besides, I'm not asking advice on if I should have two...we've already decided...I'm asking on how to uninvite people politely.

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-others-change-your-wedding-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ce1d0ef-260d-492e-9a85-1e887a448acdPost:951e772b-b2dd-4a45-b650-7dae8de9778a">Re: When others change your wedding plans...</a>:
[QUOTE]We didn't have the time or funds to do a traditional wedding yet, but didn't want to wait. We thought it would be better to do one small intimate ceremony, then a large blessing of the marriage and renewal of vows in the future when we can give a really good party. This ceremony in the fall is near courtroom casual, but we still want a religious feel to it seeing as he's going to be a Priest one day.

<strong>There is no party and it doesn't cost to have more people, but I hate the idea of my closest friends and families not being able to attend and get mad that we let exceptions through.
</strong>Posted by tflesch[/QUOTE]

To the bolded: no matter how many people you have at your ceremony, you must have a reception of some kind for them afterwards.  Whether it is a casual dinner, cake & punch, or light appetizers afterwards.  The reception is a thank you for your guests attending.

A question: If your FI is planning on becoming a priest someday, isn't it necessary for him to be married in that faith, instead of a courthouse setting?

Lastly, if you want to be married now and have a larger vow renewal later, that is fine.  But it might look gift grabby or odd to some guests if you don't wait until a big year, like the 10th or 15th wedding anniversary.

ahhhitsshannyn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-others-change-your-wedding-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ce1d0ef-260d-492e-9a85-1e887a448acdPost:951e772b-b2dd-4a45-b650-7dae8de9778a">Re: When others change your wedding plans...</a>:
[QUOTE]We <strong>didn't have the time or funds to do a traditional wedding yet, but didn't want to wait.</strong> We thought it would be better to do one small intimate ceremony, then a large blessing of the marriage and renewal of vows in the future when we can give a really good party. This ceremony in the fall is near courtroom casual, but we still want a religious feel to it seeing as he's going to be a Priest one day. There is no party and it doesn't cost to have more people, but I hate the idea of my closest friends and families not being able to attend and get mad that we let exceptions through.
Posted by tflesch[/QUOTE]

Sorry, unfortunately that is one of the hard decisions we have to make when we are grown ups. Do a small wedding in the fall or do a casual larger one. It doesn't have to be expensive and fancy if you don't make it that way.

rsanna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-others-change-your-wedding-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ce1d0ef-260d-492e-9a85-1e887a448acdPost:83494cd6-2230-4a7c-a638-65ca2af69a31">Re: When others change your wedding plans...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not having a second wedding, I'm having a reaffirmation of my vows and reception.   Besides, I'm not asking advice on if I should have two...we've already decided...I'm asking on how to uninvite people politely.
Posted by tflesch[/QUOTE]

How about I'm sorry my FMIL invited you, but you aren't good/important enough to see me get married and then leave.

[Deleted User]

My cousin got married at the town hall last summer on 1 days notice. There were about 30 of us there. There were so many of us we didn't fit in the clerk's office so she married them outside and we all stood in a circle around them. Just because she got married on short notice and at the town hall, there was no way we were going to let her get married alone since she really did want the big wedding (other circumstances stood in the way). My aunt cooked, I baked and decorated a cake and bought her a bouquet. It was short notice but was one of the nicest and most intimate weddings I have been to. The clerk at the town hall was amazed that all of us came out. Why don't you just invite everyone to the town hall and have a very simple cake reception at home or a nearby park?

MrsL2014

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-others-change-your-wedding-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ce1d0ef-260d-492e-9a85-1e887a448acdPost:83494cd6-2230-4a7c-a638-65ca2af69a31">Re: When others change your wedding plans...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not having a second wedding, I'm having a reaffirmation of my vows and reception.   Besides, I'm not asking advice on if I should have two...we've already decided...I'm asking on how to uninvite people politely.
Posted by tflesch[/QUOTE]

Like I said, have your FI talk to his mother and tell her she needs to clear it up with her sisters and tell them they are not invited. Let her figure out that part since she so nicely figured out how to ask them with out yours and your FIs approval.

Also, dont take offense that we tell you it is wrong to have 2 weddings. We just dont want you to have people talking behind your back about how crappy it is that you didnt invite them to your first wedding, but now decide you want the big wedding so they should all come now.

gurrlballa10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-others-change-your-wedding-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ce1d0ef-260d-492e-9a85-1e887a448acdPost:ae807ee9-f77f-4d7d-9933-de1b9eb86008">When others change your wedding plans...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>My fiance and I had decided on an extremely small wedding this fall and a large inclusive one in the not so distant future</strong>. No plans were made for the future one, but it will happen. This fall we were inviting only our immediate family. My mom, step dad, grandma and brothers, his mom, dad, grandma and brother. Initially we wanted to Elope but we thought it best to include our closest family members. My Future Mother in Law decided to invite her sisters because they have supported and loved my Fiance through his life. They all live close by where we're having the small ceremony. Also, his cousin is having a destination wedding around the time we thought about having our inclusive ceremony, so they'd rather come to this small one than spend money to go to another state like everyone else. I didn't agree to inviting them. What am I supposed to do now? My close friends and family who have supported me and nurtured me can't come! I don't think it's fair, but how do I uninvite his Aunts? I don't want to look like the crazy future wife, but I'm not happy about this change. Please help!
Posted by tflesch[/QUOTE]

Um...you kind of said it yourself that you are having two weddings.  Like Shan said, it's a decision all of us had to make to have the wedding we wanted.  My H and I waited 13 months to save up. 

Girlie1030

DD in 3? 

shannyb41

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-others-change-your-wedding-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ce1d0ef-260d-492e-9a85-1e887a448acdPost:725837ff-6fff-4325-82b4-173a20a3f459">Re: When others change your wedding plans...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: When others change your wedding plans... : How about I'm sorry my FMIL invited you, but you aren't good/important enough to see me get married and then leave.
Posted by rsanna[/QUOTE]

Agreed.

I don't like the idea of a wedding and then a celebration or whatever it's being called, later on.  If you want to do the big party then wait until you can afford to do the big party.  But like you said, you aren't asking for advice on that...you made up your mind.
I don't think there is a polite way to uninvite someone. 

gurrlballa10

That's why I quoted Girlie.

button6004

I wanted to get married this year, but budget isnt making that happen.  I am waiting 2 years to get married so FI and I can have the wedding we want.

As a guest, I'd be pretty ticked off if I found out you were having a second ceremony just because you didnt get a pretty princess day the first time.  Have the ceremony you can afford now and have a small cake reception.

And for the record, there really is no polite way to uninvite someone.

mmmendi

I really could care less if you have two "weddings". I think that you could informally tell your small wedding party to please join you for the ceremony, and that reception details will follow in the near future. Or, you could go back to the elope, followed by a fancy reception down the road. I agree with PP that FI  / his mother need(s) to address the invites that were not authorized. if you are already changing plans, why not change the reception to NOT conflict with someone else's destination wedding? Would that be an appropriate compromise?

rsanna

OP, if you are still reading this, your plan just doesn't make sense.  In your first post you complain that his aunts will be there but close friends and family of yours won't be able to see it.  Why would you go this route if you regret that people close to you won't be able to see you get married? It doesn't make sense.

Also, you can't dictate how people respond. That's the funny thing about the internet.

Ali092011

I'm afraid to quote on my phone, but everything that Shannyn said. If you don't actually WANT a small, intimate wedding, which I think is the case because you want a "big party," why have one? Just being impatient is not a good excuse. Even if you do elope, it doesn't make your wedding less of a wedding. You're still married at the end. A good friend of mine just had an 18 guest wedding on the beach in our hometown because she and her fiance wanted to get married ASAP without much hoopla. They will not have a redo later when they feel like it. That was the wedding they wanted, and they invited the guests they wanted there, and that was that.

Lizzieyounce

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-others-change-your-wedding-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ce1d0ef-260d-492e-9a85-1e887a448acdPost:ef63923d-6022-4963-a955-e37eddda0f60">Re: When others change your wedding plans...</a>:
[QUOTE]I love Eagles just talking to herself. :)  Makes me CQTM.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]



CQTM=chuckle quietly to myself?

Girlie1030

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-others-change-your-wedding-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ce1d0ef-260d-492e-9a85-1e887a448acdPost:2763e7b4-7c84-4522-9a00-dd1d9ad740fc">Re: When others change your wedding plans...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: When others change your wedding plans... : We're going to get eye strain!  Sprained eyeballs!
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Better than tainted eyeballs, yes? 

I prefer stink eye or hairy eyeball myself. 

wrigleyville

Just call it what it is, an "I couldn't wait to have the big wedding I wanted" day. Calling it a "vow renewal" is just a cover story. Nobody needs to renew their vows after several months; that's usually reserved for the big anniversaries. Everyone will know what you're up to, and as a guest, I would judge you hardcore for having a second wedding when the ink is still fresh on your marriage license.

I'm so sick and tired of these, "We're going to have a "Vow Renewal" one/three/six months later" posts. Good grief.

I don't want to wait until next October, but we want to have a big wedding, so we're waiting. It's called being an adult and being patient. If you really can't wait, figure out a way to have the wedding now. It doesn't have to be fancy. If you want fancy, you'll have to wait. Sorry, but them's the breaks, kid.

allychase

My friend had this same idea, she had a JOP marry her and her husband with the idea that "when finances are better well have a big wedding" yeah still waiting for that to happen. Because, when you're married, planning a wedding isn't at the top of your priority list.

starael

Let the Aunts come. They will remember and resent you forever if you bar their presence. It'll be the thing they talk about 20 years from now. I'd say just postpone the whole thing until you can have the bare minimum of everyone you want there.

lyradimer

I don't really see why a couple of aunts, who according to your FMIL are very close to your FI are a big deal. I can understand why you're frustrated that your FMIL invited people without talking to you about it first. That was very inconsiderate of her. I just know that I personally would not be offended if one of my best friends got married and an aunt went but I couldn't. One of my aunts pretty much helped raise me, so I consider them to be immediate family.

I would just decide if it is worth it to uninvite them. It will cause resentment. Good luck!