WP dates

junebug62511

I have no problem with the wedding party bringing dates, except in one case with a groomsmen. I am a young bride, I will be 20 when I get married therefore we have some younger people in our WP as well. Ok, to get to the point: One of the groomsmen is 19 and dating a 14 year old. I do not agree with this whatsoever. I think he is much too old to be dating her and by the time the wedding rolls around he will also be 20.  I am very uncomfortable having one of my groomsmen bringing a date that could still be considered a child. I have expressed my feelings about this to FI but he doesn't see it as a big issue like I do.  If I decide to let the wedding party have their dates sit at the head table what would everyone think if they saw her up there next to all these adults? I am hoping that FI will be on board with her not being invited and that the groomsmen won't make a fuss about it, but I'm sure it won't go that smoothly.

polichik

Well, that's kind of awkward, but you have absolutely no place judging someone else's choice of date. If they're sleeping together, he's committing statutory rape, but unless you report him to the police, you have no way to split them up.

And PLEASE don't make the WP's dates sit separately from the WP. I just can't stand that. If you're that worried about her sticking out, just sit the WP amongst the other guests. But honestly, if anyone even notices (which I doubt they would), it's on them and not on you. The more I think about it, the less I think people will notice. One of my bridesmaids is 24 and could easily pass for 16, and it's difficult to determine ages of many people. If people see the 19-year-old and the 14-year-old making out, they'll probably just assume she looks young for her age.

But really though, this is not your situation to judge. I'd imagine you have more things to worry about than this. The only thing you need to be concerned about is making sure that no minors, including her, are drinking at your wedding.

hcbrowne

Well thats pretty gross...but unfortunately you are not this girls parents. Essentially it is their responsibility to deal with this kind of situation, and if they are ok with it, then you really just have to let it be--she isn't your kid. I agree with Polichik though, no one will notice her age. When I was 14 I was often mistaken for 18 or older. Once you uh "mature" its hard to tell how old someone is--usually until they open their mouths;] but that accounts for people of all ages.

smokeybailey

Ha ha...Are you having an adults only wedding?  Now THAT would be a quandry.

I'm sorry, but you cannot bring your child bride to our wedding.  It is a 21 and over event. 

Oh, wait, OP is not 21 yet.  Guess it's not adult only.

I'm sorry but this has me a'chucklin' over here. 

DramaGeek

If you're not thrilled with his choice of date and worried about how it looks, have a sweetheart table or modified head table (you and your Fi, maybe both sets of parents?).

In some states it's illegal for them to even be dating, but I don't really know what you can do about it.

Simply Fated

You could make your wedding 18 or over. That would be pretty lulzy.
Etiquette wise, would an exception have to be made for the bridal party in this case or would she be allowed to stick with her 18 and over rule for everyone?

Summer2011Bride

Unfortunately, you can't tell people who they can and can't bring as dates, and I don't think it's right to let everyone else in the WP bring a date except him. LIke PP's have mentioned, most won't even notice or pay attention to who he is with and she could look mature for her age/people might think she just looks young for her age. Or you could do away with a true head table if it bothers you that much and do a sweetheart table or sit amongst your guests with your WP so she won't be on "display." But I really wouldn't worry about it that much.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wp-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d0b4896-065f-4248-994f-8b1a18fe3aafPost:8359bd7a-9463-4f04-8b53-aab001728451">Re: WP dates</a>:
[QUOTE]Ha ha...Are you having an adults only wedding?  Now THAT would be a quandry. I'm sorry, but you cannot bring your child bride to our wedding.  It is a 21 and over event.  Oh, wait, OP is not 21 yet.  Guess it's not adult only. I'm sorry but this has me a'chucklin' over here. 
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]

This about sums up my reaction to this post.

LD1970

Is this relationship legal in their state.  I think the bride & groom are entitled not not allow illegal activity at their wedding.  Other than that, I think they're stuck.

ohwhynot

I think you have every right to say that you will not allow statutory rape at your wedding reception.   If they are "dating," they are engaging in some sort of sexual contact and it is illegal.   The age of consent in dc is 16.  So:  ew.

ebonyivory10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wp-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d0b4896-065f-4248-994f-8b1a18fe3aafPost:a5337026-e654-41b5-9e35-476f0ad205fd">Re: WP dates</a>:
[QUOTE]Unfortunately, you can't tell people who they can and can't bring as dates, and <strong>I don't think it's right to let everyone else in the WP bring a date except him.</strong> LIke PP's have mentioned, most won't even notice or pay attention to who he is with and she could look mature for her age/people might think she just looks young for her age. Or you could do away with a true head table if it bothers you that much and do a sweetheart table or sit amongst your guests with your WP so she won't be on "display." <strong>But I really wouldn't worry about it that much.
</strong>Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

Wow.

This situation would make me seriously uncomfortable. Maybe you can go with the whole 18 and up idea.

NatandIsaac

Age of consent and statutory rape concerns really only apply if the couple is in a sexual relationship. There are plenty of 18 yr olds and 14 yr olds who are "dating," by which they mean going to prom and homecoming together. Should the parents be concerned? boy, I would be, but the government is not. And to the PP who said that it may illegal for them to even be dating, as a lawyer, I find that very unlikely.

ETA: this whole thing with the teenage WP, teenage bride gives me the willies

Anysunrise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wp-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d0b4896-065f-4248-994f-8b1a18fe3aafPost:e5765d8a-d64a-4048-b50f-ea4c536c3a06">Re: WP dates</a>:
[QUOTE]Age of consent and statutory rape concerns really only apply if the couple is in a sexual relationship. There are plenty of 18 yr olds and 14 yr olds who are "dating," by which they mean going to prom and homecoming together. Should the parents be concerned? boy, I would be, but the government is not. And to the PP who said that it may illegal for them to even be dating, as a lawyer, I find that very unlikely. ETA: this whole thing with the teenage WP, teenage bride gives me the willies
Posted by NatandIsaac[/QUOTE]


I dunno about you, but I don't know many 19 year old guys who aren't looking to get laid.

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wp-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d0b4896-065f-4248-994f-8b1a18fe3aafPost:e5765d8a-d64a-4048-b50f-ea4c536c3a06">Re: WP dates</a>:
[QUOTE]Age of consent and statutory rape concerns really only apply if the couple is in a sexual relationship. There are plenty of 18 yr olds and 14 yr olds who are "dating," by which they mean going to prom and homecoming together. Should the parents be concerned? boy, I would be, but the government is not. And to the PP who said that it may illegal for them to even be dating, as a lawyer, I find that very unlikely. ETA: this whole thing with the teenage WP, teenage bride gives me the willies
Posted by NatandIsaac[/QUOTE]

That was me and I, too, am a lawyer.  I looked briefly at the statute in question and any sexual contact between these two is illegal.  The def in DC includes touching, over or under clothes, the buttocks or breast area for sexual gratification.  So if he touches her ass while dancing (even at homecoming or prom), that counts as an illegal sexual contact.  If they've been dating for awhile, do you really believe that, at the very least, his hands haven't wandered where they shouldn't?

Mrs.B6302007

Ew.  I'm not sure what I would do in this situation.  Yeah, you can't dictate the guest whom a WP member brings but at the same time, I certainly wouldn't be okay with a middle school student or 9th grader being an adult male's date.

junebug62511

I will be 20 when I get married, I believe that makes me over 18 and an adult..not a teenager...Anyway, we will be having a traditional head table so I won't have to worry about her sitting up there and looking out of place (this is something my fiance and I both want). One of the reasons I feel so strongly about it is because when my sister was 15 she was taken advantage of by a 19 year old guy who really messed with her head and she has since then never been able to have a decent relationship with any of the guys she meets. It just goes so strongly against my morals, and the worst part is he is a good friend of my fiance but we can't ever hang out with him anymore because honestly why would I want to hang out with a 14 year old? I can't support their relationship, if she was 18 and he was 23 it would be a different story, but she is still just a CHILD. And there is no way they aren't having some kind of sexual contact, she's not even old enough to consent to having oral sex(16).

NatandIsaac

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wp-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d0b4896-065f-4248-994f-8b1a18fe3aafPost:0bde94e1-e5f4-4f53-9103-fb1b3b0e6b3a">Re: WP dates</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WP dates : I dunno about you, but I don't know many 19 year old guys who aren't looking to get laid.
Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]

<div>I really don't know many (any, perhaps) 19 yr old guys. When I was in high school, I actually knew a lot of kids who were not interested in sex or "petting" at all, but that was probably because I hung out with a very religious crowd.</div><div>
</div><div>As for whether this couple is doing something naughty, or illegal, I have no idea. OP didn't say, and of course, I don't know these kids. I am only saying that the fact that they are dating does not automatically mean that there is sexual relationship.</div>

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wp-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d0b4896-065f-4248-994f-8b1a18fe3aafPost:68355899-7c3a-4237-9bfb-95d937184e2f">Re: WP dates</a>:
[QUOTE]I will be 20 when I get married, I believe that makes me over 18 and an adult..not a teenager...<strong>Anyway, we will be having a traditional head table so I won't have to worry about her sitting up there and looking out of place (this is something my fiance and I both want)</strong>. One of the reasons I feel so strongly about it is because when my sister was 15 she was taken advantage of by a 19 year old guy who really messed with her head and she has since then never been able to have a decent relationship with any of the guys she meets. It just goes so strongly against my morals, and the worst part is he is a good friend of my fiance but we can't ever hang out with him anymore because honestly why would I want to hang out with a 14 year old? I can't support their relationship, if she was 18 and he was 23 it would be a different story, but she is still just a CHILD. And there is no way they aren't having some kind of sexual contact, she's not even old enough to consent to having oral sex(16).
Posted by junebug62511[/QUOTE]

Well then you and your FI both want to be rude. It is rude to separate people from their dates at dinner, end of story. Regardless of your age, putting your perfect wedding vision over your guests' comfort is immature.

And while I agree this guy is being creepy for dating a 14 year old (and I wonder why her parents aren't stopping it) and that your sister's experience is unfortunate, one has nothing to do with the other.

junebug62511

I have posted this before, but EVERY wedding I have gone to had a head table. I have never seen it done differently. This is what we both want, I think our  WP expects this since they are mostly family and they ALL did this at their own weddings-I'm sorry you all disagree but that is what we are doing. I had never even thought of putting their dates at the head table until I came on the Knot.  I don't support their relationship outside my wedding, so why should I support it at my wedding?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wp-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d0b4896-065f-4248-994f-8b1a18fe3aafPost:19967bde-e3bd-4ee8-bde5-341a8d447953">Re: WP dates</a>:
[QUOTE]Is this relationship legal in their state.  I think the bride & groom are entitled not not allow illegal activity at their wedding.  Other than that, I think they're stuck.
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]

You can date anyone you want. It's whether or not they're having sexual intercourse which is open to legality questions.

If I were the parent of a 14 year old, there's no way I'd let her be anyone's date for a wedding.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wp-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d0b4896-065f-4248-994f-8b1a18fe3aafPost:44c8d483-aeb1-472f-a6b5-dde46c833103">Re: WP dates</a>:
[QUOTE]I have posted this before, but EVERY wedding I have gone to had a head table. I have never seen it done differently. This is what we both want, I think our  WP expects this since they are mostly family and they ALL did this at their own weddings-I'm sorry you all disagree but that is what we are doing. I had never even thought of putting their dates at the head table until I came on the Knot.  I don't support their relationship outside my wedding, so why should I support it at my wedding?
Posted by junebug62511[/QUOTE]

It's not about supporting their relationship, it's about being polite to everyone. Including the GM, whom I assume is good friends with your FI, and the 14 year old, whom I assume is a decent human being despite her relationship.

The girlfriend of one of our GMs knew NO ONE else at our wedding. I heard through the grapevine if I had sat her away from her BF she would have been PISSED. The GM was actually so concerned as to ask me about seating arrangements the night before the wedding. (We did a sweetheart table, which was amazing, and sat said GM and his GF with some of the GM's friends from college.)

jesslovespete

I don't know how stable of a bf/gf relationship they have (her being an 8th or 9th grader-ew). Maybe they'll break up before the wedding. Problem solved!

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wp-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d0b4896-065f-4248-994f-8b1a18fe3aafPost:a7199902-fb85-407f-b72d-c2fb32fa30f7">Re: WP dates</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know how stable of a bf/gf relationship they have (her being an 8th or 9th grader-ew). Maybe they'll break up before the wedding. Problem solved!
Posted by jesslovespete[/QUOTE]

That's what I was thinking.  I know my boyfriends from when I was 14 lasted MAYBE a month at best.  I can imagine her intentions are that she thinks it's cool and she must be so totally awesome to be dating a 19-year-old, but you have to wonder what his intentions are.  WTH would a 19-year-old want to date a 14-year-old?  Creeper status.  I wouldn't be so worried about what other people think of their relationship, I'd be worried about your FI's relationship with his GM and why he's friends with someone who dates 14-year-olds.

filaw

If I were throwing a house party, and one of my friends had an inappropriately/illegally young SO, not only would this friend already know how I felt about it, I think I would also feel perfectly allowed to tell this friend that I didn't feel comfortable hosting the illegally young SO at my party.  Sure, it's awkward, but I would probably do it.  I therefore think it's just as acceptable at a wedding.

mica178

Put her at the kid's table.  Problem solved. 

Yeah, if I had a WP member whose date was completely inappropriate, I think I'd go the sweetheart table route (well, I did that anyway, but that's because I think head tables suck).  I agree that it's gross that a 19 year old is dating a 14 year old.  I'm crossing my fingers that that relationship ends before your wedding and before the girl gets pregnant or anything else inconvenient.

junebug62511

Unfortunately they have been dating at least a month or two and are showing no signs of breaking up. Fiance doesn't want to say anything to him about it because he doesn't want to lose the friendship.

sarah0725

Hehe, I just noticed that you were the same girl who wanted the young brides board and then got all uppity in the other thread. Now I am amused.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wp-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d0b4896-065f-4248-994f-8b1a18fe3aafPost:620fe750-794a-4c34-9a02-4adcfd1356f1">Re: WP dates</a>:
[QUOTE]Unfortunately they have been dating at least a month or two and are showing no signs of breaking up. Fiance doesn't want to say anything to him about it because he doesn't want to lose the friendship.
Posted by junebug62511[/QUOTE]

Yeah, keeping friendships with pedophiles is smart.

junebug62511

This GM has always been depressed about not having a girlfriend and I'm sad to say I think this relationship is probably out of desperation.

I am not trying to defend him whatsoever, but he has always been a very good friend to my fiance and I understand why he does not want to risk ruining their friendship.

And I was mistaken, they have actually been dating since the end of June. When I was that young my longest relationship was 6 months so hopefully a break up will be in the near future......