Be honest

grizzly04

Before I didn't want a shower, until everyone in my family and my fiance's family who was getting married had one. Now, I would like to have one, but here is my problem. My fiance's parents are divorced. His dad is married to the women he had an affair with over twenty years ago, and my fiance's mom is still not over it; even though she is remarried and has two more children. I already had to deal with the drama of those two with seating at the reception and everything else that involves parents. If I don't invite them, I'll catch hell, and if I do I will catch hell. We have everything we need, but I would like to just have a nice luncheon or something so people get to know one another.

I'm really upset by this because all I have been doing is dealing with those two and it's been a mess. I am not evening wanting gifts, just people to get together and have a fun day. I don't know what to do, and I am not trying to sound self-centered either. It's just getting out of hand and they don't listen to my fiance either.

So do I skip it and regret it, or do I have one and deal with the drama and tears?

zizibet

Well, you can't throw your own shower. Has someone offered to throw you one?

Simply Fated

"I would like to just have a nice luncheon or something so people get to know one another." Who do you want to get to know each other? And, why? Has anyone offered to throw you a shower? If so, then it shouldn't be called a shower if there are no gifts. Why don't you have a nice, nonwedding related lunch? Seat the stepmom and mom at opposite ends of the table and hopefully they'll act like adults lol.

grizzly04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_be-honest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5f2421-5d06-4b58-ac46-48e4d5a6e8baPost:e39cddc2-f3a1-4ae7-b6a1-e1925bc80246">Re: Be honest</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, you can't throw your own shower. Has someone offered to throw you one?
Posted by zizibet[/QUOTE]

My grandma has been talking about it, but it's one of those things where I am not holding my breath. My sister is all the way in CO with a new baby, husband is new in the Army and is on a limited income.

My sister is the only one in the wedding party, and its just been a train wreck with the wedding planning. I keep on being asked if I am having a shower, and when I tell them as far as I know the answer is no unless my grandma does something. Then I hear, "How sad."

mlg78

It doesn't sound like someone has offered to throw you one based on what you said... So simply put, you won't be having a shower.

Jen4948

If no one offers to throw one for you, the subject's really moot.

If someone does, you might consider having it just for friends and not inviting any family members.  If one of them tries to give you hell, just cut them off with "The shower plans were not up to me.  The subject is closed."

AddieCake

Who do you need to get to know each other and why?

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_be-honest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5f2421-5d06-4b58-ac46-48e4d5a6e8baPost:0b356c96-6246-4b10-9798-f9ebdf92fb73">Be honest</a>:
[QUOTE]Before I didn't want a shower, until everyone in my family and my fiance's family who was getting married had one. Now, I would like to have one, but here is my problem. My fiance's parents are divorced. His dad is married to the women he had an affair with over twenty years ago, and my fiance's mom is still not over it; even though she is remarried and has two more children. I already had to deal with the drama of those two with seating at the reception and everything else that involves parents. If I don't invite them, I'll catch hell, and if I do I will catch hell. We have everything we need, but I would like to just have a nice luncheon or <strong>something so people get to know one another.</strong> I'm really upset by this because all I have been doing is dealing with those two and it's been a mess. I am not evening wanting gifts, just people to get together and have a fun day. I don't know what to do, and I am not trying to sound self-centered either. It's just getting out of hand and they don't listen to my fiance either. So do I skip it and regret it, or do I have one and deal with the drama and tears?
Posted by grizzly04[/QUOTE]

<div>I think the wedding itself is enough for the bolded. And since there is so much drama between the families, doing too much may be pushing it and people may not be able to keep from losing it. Even if it's not your intention, self-thrown pre-wedding parties look gift grabby. Like PPs said, unless someone flat out offers to throw a shower, let it go. </div>

grizzly04

Did anyone here not have a shower? I just feel like I am on my own little boat with no paddles. I'm just irritated with all sides of the family. My future sister-in-law had her shower and her mother was literally on her death bed, my cousins have had showers and it's just been a "gimmie-gimmie" event.

I guess I'll just tell the person no if someone does offer me so I won't have to deal with the drama.

mlg78

If you want people to get to know each other, then have a little dinner or get together with each sides immediate family.  It can simply be a dinner on a Sunday...  A shower is NOT the place for two families to get to know one another, especially because typically men aren't there.

nextrightthing

I'm not having a shower, and I don't really want one. 
You can throw a party that's not wedding-related or a gift-giving event if you want people to get to know each other. 
If the issue is feeling left out, don't.  There are lots of women who don't have showers.  Honestly, they aren't that fun to me anyway. 

AddieCake

I didn't have a shower, and I didn't miss it one bit. I declined the one that was offered to me. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_be-honest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d5f2421-5d06-4b58-ac46-48e4d5a6e8baPost:0b356c96-6246-4b10-9798-f9ebdf92fb73">Be honest</a>:
[QUOTE]Before I didn't want a shower, until everyone in my family and my fiance's family who was getting married had one. Now, I would like to have one, but here is my problem. My fiance's parents are divorced. <strong>His dad is married to the women he had an affair with over twenty years ago</strong>, and my fiance's mom is still not over it; even though she is remarried and has two more children. I already had to deal with the drama of those two with seating at the reception and everything else that involves parents. If I don't invite them, I'll catch hell, and if I do I will catch hell. We have everything we need, but I would like to just have a nice luncheon or something so people get to know one another. I'm really upset by this because all I have been doing is dealing with those two and it's been a mess. I am not evening wanting gifts, just people to get together and have a fun day. I don't know what to do, and I am not trying to sound self-centered either. It's just getting out of hand and they don't listen to my fiance either. So do I skip it and regret it, or do I have one and deal with the drama and tears?
Posted by grizzly04[/QUOTE]


I'm in the same exact situation, except FI's dad recently divorced the woman (after 20 years). FI's step-mom and her entire step-family are absolutely invited, because they were in FI's life for 20 years, and just because FI's dad and step-mom divorced that doesn't change that. HOWEVER. They're not invited to the shower, because that's a little far removed from ME. So. If you DO get offered a shower, just don't invite the step-family. I'm not sure why you would--it's HIS family. Showers are normally about the bride.