Update

quinn20

Well, I went to my sister's and stayed with her on Tuesday night. Wednesday, I get off work and I decide to go home to pick up some clothes. I walk in the door and FI is passed out on the couch with beer bottles lined up on the coffee table. I tried to wake him up, but he was not responsive at all. So I called for an ambulance. He got rushed to the hospital and is still in now. He's going through detox. I really don't even know how I feel now. I hope this is a wakeup call for him, but part of me is really doubting that it's going to be. I guess we'll see what he decides when he gets released from the hospital. His mom keeps telling me that we need to get him into rehab. I agree, but it's not something we can force him into, right? I'm staying at home for the time being. Once he is released, we'll go from there. Honeslty, I don't know what I'm going to do still. I'll see what he decides when he gets released and go from there, I guess.

akhensley81

I'm so sorry you're going through this - thanks for coming back and updating though.  

No, you can't "force" him in to rehab. He needs to make that call himself. But I think once he's released from the hospital and home, you definitely could have a serious talk with him. Obviously you're engaged and planning to be married. Ask him what his plans are for your future together. Tell him what you're scared of, and why. Maybe that talk - along with this experience - will be enough to help him decide for himself that he needs to get professional help.

baystateapple

I'm glad you came back, but I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

The only thing you can do is wait for him to get out of detox and see if this maybe is going to be his wake-up call.  But you're right, you can't force someone into rehab if he doesn't want to go.  I have a good friend whose husband is an alcoholic, and she's going through a similar situation right now -- except they've been married for years and have kids together.  You are lucky (a terrible word for this situation, but the only one I can think of) that you've been so quick to catch on to his problems now, before you're married and before there are children, so the two of you have a chance to talk it out, and hopefully get him some help (if he's willing), before things go any further.

Good luck, sincerely.  I'll be thinking of you and hoping for the best possible results for you and your FI.

amysmomma

I'm really sorry that you're going through this.  He probably doesn't realize that he's hurting more people than just himself.

Have you considered joining an Al-Anon support group?  It's a support group for families of alcholics/addicts... and it could be really helpful for you in coping/knowing what to do as your next step.

danieliza1127

Wow, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  Thanks for coming back with an update.  I know a lot of us were wondering and worried for you.

Hopefully you won't have to "force" him into rehab, he'll know on his own that he's past his limit.  I'm sure this will be a wake-up call for him.

Big hugs.

baystateapple

I second AmysMomma on Al-Anon.  My friend goes to those meetings (her kids go to Al-A-Teen), and she can't say enough good things about them.  I know that every person responds to these matters differently, but it might be worth a shot in your case.

arbolita

I am so sorry - I know it can't be easy to see a loved one hurting themselves in this way.

Are you allowed to have contact with him while he's in detox?  Do you know what his reaction is to his current situation? 

Like everyone has said, you can't force him to get help - and even if you could, unless he wants to make a change, he will revert back to his old ways as soon as he gets the opportunity.  Many addicts abuse their drug of choice as a way to pass the time until they die - your FI needs to find something he wants to live for.  That's not to say he doesn't love you and doesn't want a life with you, but until he decides to get clean and stay clean, you will always be the third wheel to his relationship with his drug of choice. 

AmoroAgain

I agree with all of this, and espcially Arb.  I'm so sorry Quinn and I hope for the best with you.

quinn20

I haven't gone to see him yet. I've just been hanging around the house trying to really think about the situation. I really have just felt numb with everything so far. According to his mom, he's not really doing/saying much at the moment. The nurses say that's normal at this stage.

Marrin713

Al-Anon for sure.  Best of luck Quinn.  I was married to a severe alcoholic for 20+ years.  I had my own problems with alcohol at the beginning of the marriage so it was all fun until I got sober and stayed sober for the last 15 years of the marriage.  My xH, now in his late 50's, has all kinds of health problems mostly due to alcohol abuse and still drinks according my son.  It's sad.  And yes, you are "lucky" in that this is happening before marriage and children.  Again, my best.

cupcakesfrosting

Unfortunately, until HE decides he's had enough, and wants help, you can't force him to get help. My Dad was addicted to cocaine for 18+ years, and after 3 stints in rehab, he finally decided he could be better than that, and put himself into rehab. (6 years Sober!)

Your situation totally sucks, and I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I would definitely check out Al-Anon. They've got great resources, and they can give you any advice, or encouragement you may need to get through this.

Lisa8888

I feel very sorry for you. But I think you should leave this guy. He has serious issues. That is no kind of life for you. You can't force him into rehab and you can't force him to stay clean afterwards. The reality is, most people revert back after rehab.

Don't let him ruin your life.