WR-ish family drama. Help?

niffycat

Yesterday my brothers FI informs me that they are getting married at the end of the month. I am not invited to the wedding. This caused me to become annoyed because:
A) It is my brother getting married.
We bent over backwards to make sure they (my brother and his gf-now FI) could come to my wedding- including paying for their plane tickets out to CA and pretty much all meals while they were here (my mom paid for their hotel room with the understanding they would pay her back).
C) My mom badgered and guilt tripped me until we agreed to B, because of how much it would mean to my brother. I talked to her the day prior to being notified of the wedding, and she didn't say a word.
D) The only reason she even emailed me was in response to me emailing her to let her know that I sent my nephew Christmas gifts, so she would know to expect them.
After getting mad, I started feeling guilty for being mad at that side of my family. I mean, I should be happy that my brother is getting married, right? And even if I was invited, there is no possible way I could fly up to AK with 2 weeks notice. So I bought a card and mailed it today. Should I feel obligated to do anything else?

CN- My brother is getting married. I am not invited. This makes me mad and feel guilty for being mad. I sent a card, should I send anything else?

lyndausvi

 I would be disappointed also.  but I would have done the same thing as you.

Why the quickness?

Kati0105

Is it an actual wedding or just the two of them going to the courthouse?  Either way I'd be devestated if my brother got married and didn't include me.

banana468

Is there a reason they are doing things so quickly?

Unless there was some emergency situation, I'd be hurt and potentially really angry too.

Piper_62

I would be pissed.

laurenclaire1386

Why are you not invited? Are they doing the JOP thing? FWIW, if my brother's fiancee told me I wasn't invited to their wedding, I'd be having a serious talk with bro. But my brother and I are super close, and I can't imagine a situation where I wouldn't be invited to the wedding.  But seriously, after all you did to make it possible for them to attend your wedding, I'd be angry too.

janedoe1113a

What is the reasoning for them not inviting you?  I would be pissed as well.

EmmaBride2B

I'd be really hurt as well, and I don't think you should feel guilty for feeling that way.

niffycat

I am guessing they are moving so fast because she finally got divorced from her previous husband and they already have a child together.
I do not know what type of wedding it is, whether it is a ceremony only at the JOP or a small one outside the courthouse. (It completely wouldn't suprise me if they have a "real wedding" later.)
She only informed me because she will be changing her last name at the time of the wedding, and wanted to let me know about the name change- not necessarily the wedding itself.

FutureMrsTR

Did they just assume you couldn't come and not invite you because of that?  It's still extremely rude, we're sending invites to people we know won't be able to come, but we want them to know that we want them there.

I would talk to your brother and let him know how much this upsets you.  I don't think you're obligated to do more than you've done, but it's a weird situation (that even your mom didn't tell you what was going on) and I'd want to talk to someone and figure it out so that it doesn't cause more problems down the road.

SarahPLiz

I'd be hurt, but then again, if you had to purchase their tickets to get to your wedding, then they obvioulsy are not in a position to return the favor. Perhaps they are just doing the JOP thing and are of the persuasion that you don't invite people that you know can't make it.

Are you the only one not invited, or is no one invited? My sister got married in Vegas and I was hurt that I wasn't invited, but then I realized that no one else was either, so it softened the blow. That was 12 years ago...

sarabellam

Not invited, as in, "No niffycat, you aren't welcome at your own brother's wedding." Or not invited, as in "We are getting married at the end of the month," and nothing else is said about you coming. If it is situation (A), then I'd be rightfully pissed. If it is closer to situation (B), I would be hurt and disappointed as well as angry. As far as feeling guilty about being mad over the situation, I don't think you should feel guilty over that.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-ish-family-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6fdbdd7b-e1e1-487a-a653-5d8f9d952115Post:887e267b-f732-4482-be8b-af7bb404d609">Re: WR-ish family drama. Help?</a>:
[QUOTE]Not invited, as in, "No niffycat, you aren't welcome at your own brother's wedding." Or not invited, as in "We are getting married at the end of the month," and nothing else is said about you coming. If it is situation (A), then I'd be rightfully pissed. If it is closer to situation (B), I would be hurt and disappointed as well as angry. As far as feeling guilty about being mad over the situation, I don't think you should feel guilty over that.
Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]

Yeah ditto all of that.  If they aren't inviting anyone because they're just going to the courthouse, then I don't think you should be upset.  Disappointed sure, but not upset.  If they are inviting other people and excluding you, then yes you should be pissed and if it were me, I'd be having a talk with my brother about it directly instead of through my FSIL.

opalsky007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-ish-family-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6fdbdd7b-e1e1-487a-a653-5d8f9d952115Post:b320b5b0-367b-4233-8838-0eea674ddf51">Re: WR-ish family drama. Help?</a>:
[QUOTE] She only informed me because she will be changing her last name at the time of the wedding, and wanted to let me know about the name change- not necessarily the wedding itself.
Posted by niffycat[/QUOTE]

What a heifer. Because you'd absolutely want to know about her changing her name, but not about your brother getting married.

Honestly, if they want to JOP or elope, that's their business. But why inform you about it in this backasswards way?

squirrly

I would be pissed.  Barring one of them being on death's doorstep, I can't think of a good reason for it.  If it were me, that would be grounds for a huge family fight.  But - I'd start with my sibling. 

Edit:  Meaning, if they're JOPing in a hurry, it's only ok if it's cause somebody is dying.  Otherwise, could they not wait 2 more weeks to allow for family to come?

niffycat

Unfortunately my brother does not respond to emails and has not given me a phone number I can call him at. So I cannot go to the source and clear this up. I only got her email by going to her FB page and pulling it off of her info.
The email went something like "Your brother and I will be getting married at the end of the month. I will be taking his last name!!" I do not know who else may be coming to the wedding, the email did not specify and I have not responded, and my mother is barely speaking to me because she is mad over something else (which I am still bitter over...)

banana468

I'd be rather hurt all around that my own mother isn't keeping me in the loop on the plans and holding my brother to the same standard as she holds me.

We're all human but IMO, if you want your adult children to respect you then you need to treat them fairly.

Mom only has herself to blame if her relationship with her other children suffers when they see her playing favorites.

danieliza1127

Well it sounds like you don't really have a relationship with your brother in the first place if you don't even have a way to get in contact with him.  So in that case, I'd probably just let it go and move on.  Sounds like you have a lot of family drama.

liz745

Something like that happened with my mom. My mom was pregnant with me when her younger borther got engaged. She told them her due date and then they moved thier wedding date up to when she would be about 8 months and wouldnt be able to fly across the country to go thier wedding.

Then at my aunts weddings 3 months after I was born, his wife when up to my mom and asked where thier wedding present was! Her brother hadnt even gotten my parents a wedding present (and he attended thier wedding). My mom was so offended. Needless to say she is no longer close with that brother. (not just because of that he is a jerk and no one in the family likes him.)

Anyways your brothers FI was rude in saying you arent invited. You should have been invited even if you couldnt come because you are his sister. You are not obligated to send anything else, you werent even obligated to send the card. Dont feel guily, they should feel guilty.

Im not saying hold this against them forever, but they chose to not invite you and they cant expect wedding presents from people they chose to not invite.

niffycat

People think I am joking when I say that I get along much better with my mother and brother since they live far away. Sadly, it is the truth. While my fathers side causes the occasional family drama, it is amost a constant thing on my mothers side.

My brother and I have very little of a relationship because we were raised seperately. And he is constantly moving and switching phone numbers- which is why I don't have a reliable method of contacting him. But, that being said, we have always been there for each other for momentuous events - which is why we gave in to my mothers badgering about paying his way to my wedding.

It has never been a question as to who my mothers favorite child is. It has always been my brother, from the time we were little kids and forward. Added to the favortism is her anger with me over the past situation, and I am lucky she even talked to me long enough to provide my fsil's address to me- and I think that was only because I told her I wanted it to send my nephew his gift.