Another family question

Liberty27

So I was reading the post about not inviting close family members, and now I have a question about inviting close family members but not asking them to participate in wedding events like not listing them on invites, not having them walk in the processional, not asking them to light the unity candle, ect.  Is that wrong? 

kkchisholm

What do you consider close family members?

edit-  I am choose to have my mom and dad be a part of the processional, and my brother and sister are in the wedding party. but I don't find any of those things requirements  so I don't think not including them in those things is is wrong

danieliza1127

Like who do you mean specifically?  Parents?  Siblings?

kikibaby

Yeah, you're going to need to be more specific. 

But as a general answer: Not all close family has to be 'involved' in the wedding in any way, other than being a guest.

tidetravel

inviting someone to a wedding is an honor.  You do not need to include anyone in your ceremony other than your officiant, your FI and yourself.  Family can be guests without participating in the ceremony. 

AlexiaANDRobert

Ditto PPs. What family members are you talking about?

All siblings were in the wedding party.

His mom lit the memorial candle for his dad.

My mom was escorted by my brother.

My dad walked me down the aisle.

Our grandparents presented the gifts.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'll have the moms (maybe all the parents) escorted and seated at the wedding, but I'm not having a unity candle, not listing them on the invites, and not having my dad walk me down the aisle.

Oh, and I asked my brother to be an usher, but I don't think he wants to do it.

Liberty27

I am talking specifically about a Mom.

The reason I ask is we have three sets of parents, mine are still married, FI's are divorced and re-married.  One set of his parents are not at all involved in our lives. For example they travel 4 hours from where they live to the city where FI and I live the day after FI had surgery and don't even bother to call us or see how he is doing...

ohwhynot

The "events" you mentioned in your OP all seem to be things that parents, perhaps esp. mothers (at least the lighting of the unity candle seems to be a mom-oriented task, most often), would do.  Are you considering asking your mom to attend the wedding but, due to some history, not partake in the usual "mother of the bride" honors? 

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-family-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:702d278b-3b44-4ecb-ba05-8782b4781116Post:c2419585-6a95-4632-bccc-78c324391cf0">Re: Another family question</a>:
[QUOTE]I am talking specifically about a Mom. The reason I ask is we have three sets of parents, mine are still married, FI's are divorced and re-married.  One set of his parents are not at all involved in our lives. For example they travel 4 hours from where they live to the city where FI and I live the day after FI had surgery and don't even bother to call us or see how he is doing...
Posted by Liberty27[/QUOTE]

Generally, no it's not wrong to not involve family in the wedding or in a specific role in the wedding.  In the situation you just described, it's definitely not wrong. 

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-family-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:702d278b-3b44-4ecb-ba05-8782b4781116Post:b36fbad7-5ac1-4859-a470-56ef435545b8">Re: Another family question</a>:
[QUOTE]inviting someone to a wedding is an honor.  You do not need to include anyone in your ceremony other than your officiant, your FI and yourself.  Family can be guests without participating in the ceremony. 
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

This.  Exactly.

ohwhynot

I don't know; I'd be very careful not to use the wedding as a chance to "settle scores."  Listing, for example, two of the sets of parents but not the third on the invitations or programs could be very hurtful.  Having your mom watch as stepmom lit the unity candle could be very hurtful. 

If the parents have never been involved in your fi's life, that's one thing, but if this is the mother who raised him . . . I don't know.  I'd step lightly and try to have the biggest heart, even if it seems difficult.

swtasa

It's not required. It's traditional for your dad to escort you down the aisle, but not required. Nor is it required they participate in the processional. If you're immediate family isn't hurt by it I don't see the problem.

If they are I might consider re-thinking your stance.