Inviting Extended Family (Her - Lots, Him - None)

frosting100

My wonderful finance and I are in the final stages of planning who we will invite.  I have a very large extended family on both of my parents sides (about 50 counting aunts, uncles, cousins & their children).  He has, essentially, none.  (One aunt & uncle *might* come.)  The idea of such a "lopsided" wedidng makes him feel uncomfortable and sad--so we've agreed on a second reception for my extended family near where they mostly live halfway across the country.  (A real plus being that many couldn't probably afford to fly out here to join us otherwise.)

We're open to inviting maybe a few key members to our local ceremony--but I literally don't know where to begin without offending anyone.  I feel very close to my mother's 6 (!) siblings, but each has a spouse & multiple children--some still school age.  My dad also has 3 brothers, but we're not especially close--though I'd love to include them.

Who do I invite??  I love everyone so much and hate playing favorites...help!

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-extended-family-her-lots-him-none?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7203b3e8-6833-4aea-8b22-c0a5765fb81cPost:210ce194-90b6-440c-8422-9d8defc2a8c9">Inviting Extended Family (Her - Lots, Him - None)</a>:
[QUOTE]My wonderful finance and I are in the final stages of planning who we will invite.  I have a very large extended family on both of my parents sides (about 50 counting aunts, uncles, cousins & their children).  He has, essentially, none.  (One aunt & uncle *might* come.)  The idea of such a "lopsided" wedidng makes him feel uncomfortable and sad--so we've agreed on a separate reception for my extended familly. We're open to inviting maybe a few key members--but I literally don't know where to begin without offending anyone.  I feel very close to my mother's 6 (!) siblings, but each has a spouse & multiple children--some still school age.  My dad also has 3 brothers, but we're not especially close--though I'd love to include them. Who do I invite??  I love everyone so much and hate playing favorites...help!
Posted by frosting100[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Sides don't have to be even.  What you are trying to do, while in good intentions, is rude.  Invite the same tiers of each family, no matter how much each side has.  For our wedding we did aunts, uncles, and first cousins.  That was about 50 for my family, and 16 for H's.  It wouldn't be fair to punish my family only because H has a small one.  

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mica178

H's family is much larger than mine.  My parents got to invite more friends.  We didn't focus too much on who had more of what.  After all, it's all combined now.

GeauxTigers17

I also think you should just invite everyone to the wedding. My parents (and both set of grandparents) are all from the same small town where I also grew up, so we have a huge collection of family friends that are essentially family. My fiancé, on the other hand, has a small family that was much more insular than mine. Only about 15% of our guestlist is from fiancé's "side" - but I told his parents to give me a list of absolutely everyone they wanted, and that's all I got. They just haven't had to cut anyone, unlike my parents!

SirJuliusVonHaast

I agree with everyone else. It sounds like you are close to your extended family and would love to have them there. You should have more room to do this since your FIs family is small, not be punished for it. 

ilneige

I'm kind of in the same position as your fiance.  I've only got my mom and an aunt and an uncle that wouldn't come anyway even if they were invited (they were all raised to be pretty anti-social).  My FI's parents have 3 and 5 siblings each, most of which have spouses and multiple kids (up to 5 in one family).  I too was bummed about having such lopsided sides.  I know that it's not a popularity contest, but I was kind of sad for my mom too, since she'd be the obvious outlier.  Luckily for me, FI would be happy with getting married at the courthouse.  We agreed to have my mom, his parents and brother/SIL, and then our 3 best couple friends (with 4 kids between them).  That's it.  Obviously this is not how most people choose to get married, so I guess my point is that his discomfort with the lopsided sides shouldn't go ignored.  I like your idea of separate functions, and agree that as long as you follow certain "rules" (like aunt/uncles only, or first cousins only, etc) for your ceremony, people will hopefully understand.  We've gotten really lucky and everyone has been pretty supportive, and I think your FI and his small family will probably appreciate it.

kmmssg

I have always been of the opinion that when it comes to family sides don't have to be/should not have to be even.  When my poor Stepdd got married 2 years ago, her mom has 6 siblings, her dad (my dh) has 6, and her stepdad has 9.  Her dh's has a combined total of 4 aunts/uncles on both sides of his family.

You decide how far you are going with family invites.  We sent to adult first cousins.  It is after that that I believe you start worrying about diviiding the guest list.

Have you thought about how much it will cost you to host a second reception in the name of your Fi being uncomfortable that you come from a large, close family?

I understand his feelings to a small extent, but he needs to get over this one.  He has a small family, you have a large one.  He is coming into this marriage knowing that.  You don't spend money for a second reception and possibly hurt feelings of your relatives because he has a small family.

HockeyFan4

hehe my family invitations alone were about 70..his 12....almost all of our friends are mutual.....then when we looked at coworkers, I had about twice the amount to invite as FI....but we didn't look at who had the most invites...we just looked at who we wanted there for the special day. 

KelaRenee

I have about 80 family members coming and he has about 15.  He has a lot more friends coming than I do though.  Even so, my guest list is still quite a bit longer than his.  (about 115 vs. 85)  We're both inviting everyone we want to.  We're going more casual so we can have more people because even though cutting guests is the easiest way to save money, we really want everyone we care about to be there. 

Milsey32

My mom has 7 siblings... So I know what it's like with a big family. However, FI and I don't care whether or not it's going to be lopsided because it's our wedding and we just want to celebrate with those we love and care about. Don't stress yourself over hosting a second reception.

DNBeach -- is that a boston terrier in your photo?!? SO CUTE! 

midgetthemighty

My mom has 9 siblings, my dad only has 1, but mom's side makes up for dad's for sure. All of my aunts/uncles, their kids, and their kids will be invited because family is far too important to both FI and I. That's a lot of people. FI only has 2 aunts, 1 uncle, 2 siblings, his parents, and not many cousins. Ours will be very lopsided and we are fine with that. A lot of his friends and mutual friends will be invited and it will be wonderful. We both couldn't imagine it without all of them.

specialk84

My whole family (parents, brother, grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins' children) is about 20.  FI's is 90.  We're probably breaking some sort of rule here, but we're inviting FI's immediate family and only the extended family he sees on a routine basis.  Once his friends, our mutual friends, and my parents' friends are added in, we'll be about even.

OP, if there is a concern about the church looking lopsided, just have your ushers ask people to sit on both sides.

frosting100

Thanks for the helpful perspectives everyone!  We had a chat and everyone's feeling great about inviting my side of the family.  What a help you all were.

Thanks, and happy weddings!

lyndausvi

Glad it's working out for you. We are uneven also. I would have had a problem if DH said I couldn't invite my cousins because I have too many.