Courtesy invites & people who expect to be invited

NaziaHayat

So, I'm sure this question has been asked before but here it is:

My fiance is inviting like his entire office, which ticks me off because in my culture the brides family pays for the wedding.  So his 50 or so guests that some are just whatever co-workers are taking up crucial spots.

My parents have like practically 70 people on their list.  His parents 50+.

Me?  24.  24 people I know for sure will be there, that I want there, NO COURTESY invites.

So I've left out the office, my boss, and aquantances, and old friends I communicate with- but not exclusively.  It seems like I'm the only one following this policy, since everyone else is inviting ... well EVERYONE.

So- 1st Q: should I courtesy invite some co-workers & old friends (who were there during our beginning years, but have grew distant with some contact)?

2nd Q- there are some people who have particularly asked me about my wedding, and have indicated they are expecting an invite.  These are people I was originally not thinking of inviting since I'm either not that close to them or they don't keep in touch.  Should I courtesy invite them???

Also, I should mention that these courtesy invites probably won't come.  I think maybe ... the invitation is an honor or something like that.

Also, lastly, our guest list is already over our minimum by a few.  Of course not all those people will come, but if I DO invite the courtesys and they DO come, we might be going over and have to pay extra per head.  Is it worth it?!

Overall, I'm starting to feel like my guest list is a bit empty...

Night_Sprite

You and FI need to get on the same page about guests and share similar numbers or similar distance out in family.

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courtesy-invites-people-expect-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7218e65b-7bf4-42a4-b6dd-17c1452d23b3Post:936522ad-bb38-412d-a76d-00f0b497eba9">Courtesy invites & people who expect to be invited</a>:
[QUOTE] 1st Q: should I courtesy invite some co-workers & old friends (who were there during our beginning years, but have grew distant with some contact)? 2nd Q- there are some people who have particularly asked me about my wedding, and have indicated they are expecting an invite.  These are people I was originally not thinking of inviting since I'm either not that close to them or they don't keep in touch.  Should I courtesy invite them??? Also, I should mention that these courtesy invites probably won't come.  I think maybe ... the invitation is an honor or something like that. Also, lastly, our guest list is already over our minimum by a few.  Of course not all those people will come, but if I DO invite the courtesys and they DO come, we might be going over and have to pay extra per head.  Is it worth it?! Overall, I'm starting to feel like my guest list is a bit empty...
Posted by NaziaHayat[/QUOTE]

1.  No.  Invite people you want to come to your wedding to your wedding.  It's not a competition between you and your FI.

2.  No.  Do not invite them and do not assume they won't come.  ESPECIALLY since you are already over your minimum.  100% attendance is not unheard of around here--you need to cut the list down, not bulk it up with people you don't even want to come.

For the record, we're inviting FI's co-workers (and spouses) to the wedding because he only works with 4 other people and likes them all and sees most of them socially.  We're not inviting mine because there's too many and I don't see them socially.  I don't bring up my wedding at work and if people ask, I'm just vague and noncommital. 

ac_in_dc

Night is right.

Inviting more than your venue can handle is not recommended. So if the invites haven't gone out yet, you & FI & parents need to re-negotiate the guest list. Especially you & FI. You guys need to be on the same page before negotiating with your parents, if that is necessary.

squirrly

Personally, I don't want any courtesy invites on the list at all.  But, I'd be uniform.  All or none. 

tenofcups4me

What does your screen name mean?

LarissaAnn

Wait.  Over your MINIMUM or your MAXIMUM?  There's a huge difference.

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courtesy-invites-people-expect-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7218e65b-7bf4-42a4-b6dd-17c1452d23b3Post:068a0493-8fe8-4add-933b-862998c84b62">Re: Courtesy invites & people who expect to be invited</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait.  Over your MINIMUM or your MAXIMUM?  There's a huge difference.
Posted by LarissaAnn[/QUOTE]

Ooh, good point.

If you're over your maximum already, cut your guest list and don't add anyone. 

If it's just your minimum, invite whoever the hell you want up to the max, but realize that hey, they might actually come even if they're a "courtesy" invite. 

ring_pop

You're doing the right thing by inviting only those you want there. Don't invite extra people just to "get even" with your FI/parents/FILs.

I agree that you need to get on the same page about who you're inviting. Also, if your parents are paying for the wedding, they ought to have a say in how many they can afford to invite. Don't assume that any certain number of people won't come.

MyNameIsNot

So how would you designate it as a courtesy invite?  Enclose a little card saying "We wanted to send you the invitation, but we don't actually want you to come." 

There's no such thing as a courtesy invite.  Invite the people you want to come.

If your parents are paying, they have control over the guest list.  Most families find it easiest to give a certain number of invites to everyone, and let them choose who they want for their list. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

You and FI need to have a serious discussion. You don't need to invite everyone just because he and his parents want them there. It's perfectly fine to give FI (and his parents) X number of spots to fill. Unless, of course, you or FI have personally already indicated they will be invited.

To me a courtesy invite is someone who will 100% not be able to come, like FI's 99-year-old grandma who lives 1500 miles away or a friend who will be deployed at the time. Not a coworker who lives in the same town. What are you going to say, "Oh, well, we're over capacity, but I've decided I like you and I'll send you a pretty invitation. Don't use it or anything though. I can't have anyone who's not family at my wedding."

ac_in_dc

Yeah, you guys may want to send out wedding announcements rather than courtesy invites. Although they're pretty old-fashioned, more the kind of thing I'd send to my parents' friends rather than to co-workers.

NaziaHayat

Just to clairfy some things:

Over our minimum, not maximum.  As in, minimum of X ppl regardless of whether you meet it you still pay for it.  Anything above the minimum up to maximum is pay per head.  We haven't reached our max.

Also, I'm not sure why some people are being so rude, but actually it IS out of town and therefore some of these people may not come.  And courtesy means just that COURTESY invites to you for them.  No duh, you don't tell people you don't want them there.  Sorry I did not clarify this earlier, but geeze... with the tone...

For those who gave sound advice, thanks.

Pink7781

There really isn't such thing as a courtesy invite (unless it's a relative that you know won't come but would be offended if they did not receive an invitation).

You and your FH need to first make sure you're on the same page about who you're going to invite. If you want some room to invite your friends then talk to your FH about his 50ish people he wants to invite. Maybe he can cut the work people down to his manager and a few co-workers he is close with.

From your post, it looks like your parents are paying so you probably don't have much wiggle room with getting them to cut their list but don't feel like you have to add people because your list will look empty. I'm sure that on the day of your wedding, no one is going to be going around trying to figure out who was on who's guest list.

dmbdbk

I wouldn't send any courtesy invites but we are inviting family we don't know very well because they are family. With your co-workers, try to just not mention the wedding around them. I'm in a similar situation. At my office holiday party a couple nights ago, a co-worker told my FI (who I also work with) and I to make sure there are cute single guys at our wedding for her to meet.

I wasn't planning on inviting her and don't talk about my wedding in front of her. Since she had a little too much to drink at the party, I'm hoping that she will forget by the time the invites go out. wWe decided to maybe invite only 1 co-worker to our wedding that FI hangs out with outside of work. Maybe this will work with you for the people who assume they are going to be invited. I also agree with the pp's that you should talk to your FI and make sure you're on the same page. Let me know what ends up working!