Would this be in poor etiquette?

Hatsumomo7

All right well my fiance and I are getting married on October 29th of this year, we had wanted to have a summer wedding but couldn't get anything much earlier at our venue and also felt that waiting until fall would be a good idea for having more time to save up money. Anyway now we are well into 6 months before the wedding and I was wondering if it would be in poor taste for he and I to go to the beach for a day or so and do a private ceremony there just the two of us and then come back and still have our full ceremony and reception in October. We've already paid for our reception hall, vendors, hired an officient, we just wanted to know if it would be ungrateful of us to have our private ceremony to ourselves and then have one for our friends and family too. We are paying for everything ourselves so we don't feel like we would be stepping on anyone's toes but you ladies here at the knot are always honest so I would love to hear what you guys think, good or not xD.

Meg1036

I would find this to be in poor taste as a guest.  You get one wedding, and you can have it be big or small, but its only one.

I can understand getting frustrated with the planning and the waiting, but it sounds like you have things under control.  Just have the ceremony as scheduled on October 29.

louisvillebride21

Just...WHY? Are you so set on a summer wedding that you would want your guests to sit through a fake wedding?

Hatsumomo7

Well I guess it is the stress of the planning, I just wanted a different take on everything from someone elses point of view. I can see how it would be bad etiquette if its meant in a double dipping way so I can just wait I just wanted to see what you guys thought that way? I will admit I am pretty new to some of the rules you guys have helped educate me on by reading the etiqutte board and a lot of them have helped me in planning my own wedding . I just like opinions on things I have heard more than one answer on.

baystateapple

I wouldn't do it.  The private ceremony would be your wedding, which would make your big ceremony/reception a vow renewal.  If you MUST do it, then please tell everyone that it's going to be a vow renewal, don't lie to everyone about getting married.  As a guest who went to a "wedding" only to find out that the bride and groom had eloped, and lied to EVERYONE about it, I can say firsthand that this is very hurtful.

hlq2011

Ditto PPs.  I'm also curious to understand why you think that having a private ceremony now and then still planning the big party later on would reduce the stress you feel.

laurenclaire1386

Having two weddings =/= alleviating the stress of planning a wedding. I fucking hated wedding planning, so I get that. But planning another wedding thing doesn't sound like the greatest idea if you want to not be stressed about wedding planning. How does that even remotely make sense?

Hatsumomo7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-poor-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:72c982e0-9ac9-4cbf-9beb-65b68d6ee621Post:b9350e19-e896-48db-8927-81e282b3798a">Re: Would this be in poor etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would this be in poor etiquette? : Can I ask how having a ceremony in the summer would help alleviate the stress of planning?  I mean, if you're still planning on doing the October wedding & reception then you still have everything to plan, right?
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]

Well I guess it wouldnt alleviate the stress at all, it probably would add it in fact. I dunno I have just been really stressed out with a lot of the last minute details. Our wedding is really quite small already, under 100 etc. I have been feeling a little overwhelmed with some of the planning that I have had to do myself. Ah! Just getting grey hairs. I sorta felt like running away a little bit but no you guys are right, despite what I feel I need to consider the feelings of others too.

mary9449

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-poor-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:72c982e0-9ac9-4cbf-9beb-65b68d6ee621Post:e19213d9-46f1-4321-832b-8c909f7aefbe">Re: Would this be in poor etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Would this be in poor etiquette? : Yes, it's in poor taste.  You get married once, not twice, unless you are divorced in between. Good Luck.
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]

This all the way! You get one chance to do it.

kellyb1487

I promise you, walking down the aisle and saying "I do" is the easiest/best part of the entire day, so if you can hold off till the day of.

I know what you feel, I had about 85 guests and I was still super stressed, but in the end is definately worth it!

Good Luck and remember to breathe!!! It is ok to tkae a break from wedding planning for even just a weekend and just enjoy being engaged and enjoy your FH!!!

redheadfsu

Having to deal with mad friends and family will make your stress double. The guests will feel betrayed & used (for gifts).

If you are stressed, just cut back on the details & unnecessary things.

dupless

I went to a "wedding thing" like what you are talking about. The couple got married 11 months before in another state with the bride's family there. Then 11 months later, they had a party back in her hometown. I thought the place was beautiful, they both looked great (she wore her dress again), and it was a lot of fun. The whole time I was there though, I couldn't help but thinking that this wasn't really a "Mr. & Mrs. Party" or a "Vow Renewal Party", and it definitely wasn't a wedding. It was just a little confusing to me.

I say wait! Let everyone else enjoy the day with you too!

jerseydevil

Why? Just why?

b0710

I went to a wedding in FL, and a reception back in MI, only to find out the B and G were married in Vegas a month or so before. I would not have spent all that money to fly down there, get a hotel, rent a car, etc. if I had known they were already married.  Personally, I think it's a little offensive to not be good enough for the first one (and in my case, deceptive as well).

Avion22

People in the military do this all the time, and we're considering doing it as well.  If we do, the "legal" ceremony will come first, and will mostly be in order to get him a visa to live with me stationed overseas (in England), and get him access to base services like medical, job services, get him a break on his college tuition,etc.    The "Real Wedding" will be the religious ceremony, with all of our friends and family in attendance. If we do this, even though we will be married for legal purposes, we will consider ourselves "married" when we have the religious ceremony.

This is quite common in military circles.  But, if you're not in the miltary, or unless you have some really good legal reason to get legally married first, I don't know how you would benefit from getting legally married in a small ceremony first....

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-poor-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:72c982e0-9ac9-4cbf-9beb-65b68d6ee621Post:5764da9e-e446-43b6-b9ab-19221de0bf4a">Re: Would this be in poor etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]People in the military do this all the time, and we're considering doing it as well.  If we do, the "legal" ceremony will come first, and will mostly be in order to get him a visa to live with me stationed overseas (in England), and get him access to base services like medical, job services, get him a break on his college tuition,etc.    The "Real Wedding" will be the religious ceremony, with all of our friends and family in attendance. If we do this, even though we will be married for legal purposes, we will consider ourselves "married" when we have the religious ceremony. This is quite common in military circles.  But, if you're not in the miltary, or unless you have some really good legal reason to get legally married first, I don't know how you would benefit from getting legally married in a small ceremony first....
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]


No, your "real wedding" is when you sign the paperwork.

What you're saying is that you want SOME people to see you two as married but you don't want ALL people to see you two as married.  You can't have it both ways.

And BTW, many churches don't like it either.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-poor-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:72c982e0-9ac9-4cbf-9beb-65b68d6ee621Post:5764da9e-e446-43b6-b9ab-19221de0bf4a">Re: Would this be in poor etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]People in the military do this all the time, and we're considering doing it as well.  If we do, the "legal" ceremony will come first, and will mostly be in order to get him a visa to live with me stationed overseas (in England), and get him access to base services like medical, job services, get him a break on his college tuition,etc.    The "Real Wedding" will be the religious ceremony, with all of our friends and family in attendance. If we do this, even though we will be married for legal purposes, we will consider ourselves "married" when we have the religious ceremony. This is quite common in military circles.  But, if you're not in the miltary, or unless you have some really good legal reason to get legally married first, I don't know how you would benefit from getting legally married in a small ceremony first....
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

<div>Please don't use the military as an excuse to do it.  Yes it is much more common in the mlitary, it doesn't mean it is any more acceptable.  And people who get married just to reap the benefits but carry themselves off as an un-married couple to everyone else are committing fraud, and the military frowns upon that.  </div><div>
</div><div>If you want to get married by a JOP, that's your choice.  But that is your "real" wedding.  And if you are going to claim any benefits at all, you need to present yourselves completely as a married couple, not just where it benefits you.</div>

RobotLegs

Is the issue that you guys really want a warm, beach type summer wedding?

If so, just find a way to make that happen instead of the October thing you're planning.  It's really ok to change your mind, even at 6 months out.  I did.  But don't have 2 weddings.  Just make your 1 wedding the one you really want.

Honestly, don't have a wedding in October that you don't want just because of deposits.  Why not just have a smaller ceremony on the beach this summer with the people you really want invited?

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-poor-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:72c982e0-9ac9-4cbf-9beb-65b68d6ee621Post:a594239e-b9c0-4455-912f-5e7586930ad6">Re: Would this be in poor etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would this be in poor etiquette? : Please don't use the military as an excuse to do it.  Yes it is much more common in the mlitary, it doesn't mean it is any more acceptable.  And people who get married just to reap the benefits but carry themselves off as an un-married couple to everyone else are committing fraud, and the military frowns upon that.   If you want to get married by a JOP, that's your choice.  But that is your "real" wedding.  And if you are going to claim any benefits at all, you need to present yourselves completely as a married couple, not just where it benefits you.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

Didn't ask for your opinion.  Both of our families, and several of our friends, think this is a good idea, and it wouldn't keep them from attending our formal ceremony.

It's not fraud.  That's the point of making it Legal.  

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-poor-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:72c982e0-9ac9-4cbf-9beb-65b68d6ee621Post:41872fdf-f5f8-4e9b-8201-041adf583114">Re: Would this be in poor etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would this be in poor etiquette? : Didn't ask for your opinion.  Both of our families, and several of our friends, think this is a good idea, and it wouldn't keep them from attending our formal ceremony. It's not fraud.  That's the point of making it Legal.  
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

<div>And nobody asked for your original opinion either.  It's a public message board, anyone can answer.  </div><div>
</div><div>I hate when people act like just because you or your SO are in the military you can break all the rules that you want.  </div>

mica178

After last week's poll, I hate telling you all to be nice.

OP (and anyone else with similar plans) -- your guests are dressing up and taking time out of their busy lives to see you get married.  If you're already married before your "wedding day," that sort of defeats the purpose of their presence.  Maybe they wouldn't mind celebrating with you anyway, but some people might.  At a minimum, you should be upfront with them and not pretend that the second wedding is really the first.  Call it a vow renewal, and don't be surprised if OOT guests or guests with children decide to decline the invitation.

Oh, and I'll ditto banana's statement.  Many churches do not like separate weddings and will encourage that the religious ceremony be more muted if the couple is already legally married and enjoying the privileges of marriage.

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-poor-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:72c982e0-9ac9-4cbf-9beb-65b68d6ee621Post:851a3ea8-3bfc-4193-904d-670db2442bdd">Re: Would this be in poor etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would this be in poor etiquette? : You posted something on a public message board.  People will give their opinion. That's how it works.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

Guess I should have said "I don't care about your opinion."  And I don't.   The only people whose opinion I care about are my friends and family.  If we go this way, we won't keep it from anyone that we are already legally married.  If they don't care (in fact, many of them have recommended that we do this), then it really doesn't matter to me what some random people on The Knot think.

For the Original Poster -- the same thing should apply.  If you want to have a private ceremony and a big wedding later, then do it.  But don't keep it a secret.  People who know you and care about you probably won't care, and will still want to attend your big to-do.  Realize that some people may not want to attend a "vow renewal."  Only you know your friends and family and how they would react.

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-poor-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:72c982e0-9ac9-4cbf-9beb-65b68d6ee621Post:99b6ab46-dd02-4a13-becf-2d6ee8b5125b">Re: Would this be in poor etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would this be in poor etiquette? : And nobody asked for your original opinion either.  It's a public message board, anyone can answer.   I hate when people act like just because you or your SO are in the military you can break all the rules that you want.  
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]


How is having a LEGALLY performed marriage, and then telling our friends and family about it, and having the blessing of the clergyman who will be performing our religious ceremony, "breaking the rules"???? 

It's legal.  The military does not "frown on it."  Our officiant doesn't "frown on it."  YOU frown on it, and you don't matter.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-poor-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:72c982e0-9ac9-4cbf-9beb-65b68d6ee621Post:1da4e751-c34d-463d-bf42-af5ca4d3abd9">Re: Would this be in poor etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would this be in poor etiquette? : Guess I should have said "I don't care about your opinion."  And I don't.   The only people whose opinion I care about are my friends and family.  If we go this way, we won't keep it from anyone that we are already legally married.  If they don't care (in fact, many of them have recommended that we do this), then it really doesn't matter to me what some random people on The Knot think. For the Original Poster -- the same thing should apply.  If you want to have a private ceremony and a big wedding later, then do it.  But don't keep it a secret.  People who know you and care about you probably won't care, and will still want to attend your big to-do.  Realize that some people may not want to attend a "vow renewal."  Only you know your friends and family and how they would react.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

<div>The thing about random internet strangers is that we will usually tell you what your friends and family are thinking, but don't want to hurt your feelings by telling you.</div><div>
</div><div>And if you would have said from the beginnig that you weren't going to hide that you are married, then my reaction would be differnet.  While I still am not a fan of two weddings, as long as you don't try to fool your guests into thinking that the vow renewal they are witnessing is the real and only wedding, then you're okay.  </div><div>
</div><div>But please don't downplay what you are calling the "legal ceremony."  There are many couples that only ever do the "legal ceremony," and by saying that it's not a real wedding is really degrading.  That would be like me saying our wedding had 200 people, so unless you had at least 150 guests at your wedding it's not a real wedding.  No matter who is there, or how many people, or where it takes place, when you say are legally married, you are REALLY married.  That is the "real" wedding.  </div>

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-poor-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:72c982e0-9ac9-4cbf-9beb-65b68d6ee621Post:35810c1d-9fe3-4d19-8e4a-d4a292053df3">Re: Would this be in poor etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would this be in poor etiquette? : How is having a LEGALLY performed marriage, and then telling our friends and family about it, and having the blessing of the clergyman who will be performing our religious ceremony, "breaking the rules"????  It's legal.  The military does not "frown on it."  Our officiant doesn't "frown on it." <strong> YOU frown on it, and you don't matter.
</strong>Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

<div>What you are saying now is different than how you first presented it.  And yes, the military DOES frown upon being married only for the reason of benefits, yet presenting yourselves as a non-married couple.  This is not what you are talking about doing so it really doesn't matter, but generally speaking, yes ti is frowned upon.  But, what the hell do I know about the military, since I clearly don't matter.</div>

Avion22

Valid point. 

It's hard to describe the concept of having two ceremonies without using adjectives that don't quite fit.  However, I think many people understand the concept of a legal marriage that meets legal requirements, and a religious/festive ceremony to commemorate that legal marriage.  They are both "real" to us.  They are two components of a whole marriage.

My point to the OP is that many people do this, and it's usually not a big deal. But she is the only one who knows how her friends and family will react. 

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-poor-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:72c982e0-9ac9-4cbf-9beb-65b68d6ee621Post:35810c1d-9fe3-4d19-8e4a-d4a292053df3">Re: Would this be in poor etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would this be in poor etiquette? : How is having a LEGALLY performed marriage, and then telling our friends and family about it, and having the blessing of the clergyman who will be performing our religious ceremony, "breaking the rules"????  It's legal.  The military does not "frown on it."  Our officiant doesn't "frown on it."  YOU frown on it, and you don't matter.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

She didn't say it was illegal.  She's referring to etiquette rules. 

If you don't want to read [eople's comments on proper etiquette, perhaps you should refrain from posting on the etiquette board.

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-poor-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:72c982e0-9ac9-4cbf-9beb-65b68d6ee621Post:99956283-a317-48a1-bce3-4633a4645e0a">Re: Would this be in poor etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would this be in poor etiquette? : Mica, what was this?  Did I miss something?
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]

Nah, just this:
<a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-knottie-pollbecause-dammit-other-one-fun">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-knottie-pollbecause-dammit-other-one-fun</a>

OP and Avion, I'm not a fan of multiple weddings between the same couple (esp within one year), but as long as you're upfront about it and your guests and WP are willing participants, go for it.  Just know that it's not good etiquette.  You might find more support for your plans on your local boards or the military board.

Raenelli16

 It sounds to me as though you really wanted a summer wedding at the beach and due to other things, you're getting married in October. Do whatever you want. And I dont mean that in a rude or condascending way either. Make it known to your guests that the October wedding is the "second one" or "vow renewal" or whatever you want to call it. If people still choose to be there great. if they don't, great. Thats their descision.Maybe make the October one a little less dramatic or formal...but If a small cereomy would truly make YOU happier when you get to marry your fiance, then do what makes both of you happy.

jrkjpf

Honestly, who cares? If you want to have a beach wedding, and a 2nd ceremony for your friends and family, do it! I have numerous friends that have done this, and not one person had a rude thing to say about it.