Please Help Minimize Christmas Awkwardness

Kellykins12

I'm going to my cousin Stephanie's house for Christmas Eve dinner like my family does every year. Her sister Tara will be there, who is NOT going to be invited to our wedding next year. Tara isn't being invited because at Stephanie's wedding she gave an impromtu, inappropriate and inhebriated toast, tackled the girl who caught the bouquet and tore  it to shreds to rip it from her hands, and got into a fight with another guest and threw the girl into the dessert table!!! My FI was my date at that wedding and is horrified she'll do the same thing at ours and said she's banned (which I'm totally fine with). My question is how do I deal with the awkwardness at Christmas? At Thanksgiving she was already asking about all kinds of details and it's hard to deflect the subject when all I want to do is gush with my aunts and cousins (who are aware of the situation and have been asked to keep wedding talk to a minimum with her around). Help!

Avion22

I agree that you should keep wedding talk to a minimum.   If someone brings it up, just change the subject.

However, at some point, someone will need to explain to your cousin that her previous behavior has kept her off the guest list for this event.  I DO NOT think that a big family Christmas celebration is the right time to do this, and I don't think that you are necessarily the right person to have this conversation with her either.    Your cousin and aunt are probably the logical choice, but it might come down to you at some point...

But for Christmas, just change the subject and don't talk about wedding stuff.

LittleMissCutiePie

Just steer clear of wedding talk, and if she tries to bring it up, just change the subject. Or walk away. Make sure NO ONE brings up wedding talk, which by the sounds of it you've got under control. If she asks about guest lists, WP, etc., say that nothing is finalized yet. From the looks of your profile, you have plenty of time that you can keep the wedding talk down without her pelting you with questions. GL!

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-minimize-christmas-awkwardness?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:73be1c02-31b4-4b31-ab0b-91c433aebcd2Post:bbce0b61-1dd1-4632-aed6-4e159bc3ca29">Re: Please Help Minimize Christmas Awkwardness</a>:
[QUOTE]Just steer clear of wedding talk, and if she tries to bring it up, just change the subject. Or walk away. Make sure NO ONE brings up wedding talk, which by the sounds of it you've got under control. If she asks about guest lists, WP, etc., say that nothing is finalized yet. From the looks of your profile, you have plenty of time that you can keep the wedding talk down without her pelting you with questions. GL!
Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]

<div>This. </div><div>
</div><div>I am torn on Avion's advice that at some point someone will have to tell her why she didn't make the cut.  I think OP is well within her right to not invite the cousin because of that behavior, but unless it ties into a larger issue with the cousin, I'd just stick to the party line that "we couldn't invite everyone we wanted to."  If it was a rare occurrence for the cousin, I think it's best to just let bygones be bygones and not bring it up.  It just seems way humiliating to bring up the past incident unless it's part of a larger "You have a drinking/anger problem and here is Exhibit A" sort of thing.</div>

blush64

I wouldn't have invited one cousin and not her sister. I feel that's really awful.

I understand about her behaviour and I would have talked to her about it before the wedding. (and had her escorted out had she tried the same things) Does she do it everytime she's out or was it a one time thing?

I guess I just don't agree with everyone. I don't think one sibling should be left out when inviting the rest in the family.

EDIT She had a terrible episode. Should she never be invited to anything again?

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE]I wouldn't have invited one cousin and not her sister. I feel that's really awful....She had a terrible episode.  Should she never be invited to anything again?[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Nonsense.  Her conduct at her sister's wedding is what was awful.  A lewd drunken toast would be one thing, but this person was assaulting other guests.  That's plenty of justification to leave her out of similar events.  Blood =/= automatic invite.  Character matters.</div><div>
</div><div>Whether she ever deserves an invite to anything is dependent on the larger situation.  Violent drunk = no invite to events serving alcohol.  Violent mental illness = no invite until medically controlled.  Violent while high = no invites until clean.  Violent domestic abuser = I never want to see your face again  We don't have enough information to judge the "anything again" situation, but we do have sufficient information to say "no more weddings for you!."</div>

Kellykins12

To respond to questioning: We've never been particularly close. They're a set of 3 siblings and only Stephanie is being invited because in the 10 years since my grandparents have passed she's the only one who keeps in touch. I only see Tara at Steph's for the holidays or when there's something for Steph's kids (the other sibling doesn't even come to that). Tara doesn't call or write, we have never hung out one on one, and a few years ago when I went to double check her telephone number to wish her a happy birthday I realize she removed me from her Facebook friends.

It's not the only time she's behaved this way. She says such rude things at the dinner table at the holidays, the little one's birthday parties... We've tried (many times) getting her to get some help with her issues and she wants nothing to do with it. It's paricularly bad with anything romantically related (she's had 3 broken off engagements and is very bitter towards happy couples).

Thanks for the advice, I think my mom will talk to her around spring time when STDs will be going out.

Kellykins12

Oh and can't use the "couldn't invite everyone we wanted" excuse because it's a huge italian wedding with over 200 people.

rebarobert2012

I really don't think that you owe this girl an explanation of why she is not invited to your wedding.  If she has any common sense at all, she will figure it out.  If she doesn't, I'm sure that someone will clue her in.

specialk84

I agree with Avion. Someone will have to tell her, and it should probably be the aunts.

We only invited two of H's cousins, a pair of siblings. Some of his other cousins (he has 30+) assumed they were invited, too, and didn't seem to give a damn about not receiving an invitation. 

If, after invitations have gone out, OP's cousin asks someone why she didn't get one, the talk needs to happen. It would be way worse for her to show up after finding out the details and throw a giant hissy fit.