Help!! Quick! Family issues!!

othatdanielle

I am getting married in exactly 2 weeks.  I have one grandmother left - i love her so much, but she is very senile, lives in a nursing home, and though she is happy, she forgets things pretty much immediately after they happen.  She also pees in her pants and sometimes has diarrhea (her adult diapers often can't handle all of this, and it is messy to say the least).  We recently had a 90th bday party for her, and she forgot about it the next day, and didn't seem to know she was even there.  She doesn't remember that I am getting married, and my mother, who is saintly and goes to see her almost everyday at her home, has decided that my grandmother should not attend my wedding, and though this is sad, it seems to be the best decision available.  My fiance and I would go to her home afterward and tell her and show her everything, maybe even wear my dress, etc, and put on a show for all the residents.  We want to make sure she is included, but her being at the wedding has the potential for disaster, and stressing out my mother beyond what is reasonable.  My cousin and uncle (who are not NEARLY as involved in my grandmother's life as my mom is) decided that my grandmother should be there.  The wedding venue would be an hour drive from my grandmother's home, and it is pretty reasonable to expect that she would wet herself/have some other sort of accident on the way to the venue.  We basically want my grandmother to retain some dignity.  My mom is getting really upset as her brother and nephew are now making her out to be a selfish monster who doesn't want to have to deal with her mother when in reality my mother has been making many sacrifices for my grandmother for many years since her health started to decline. I wanted to get a reading from other brides, WHAT DO WE DO!?  Should my grandmother come or not? 
Thanks so much!

cupcakesfrosting

Jeez, that's a really hard situation. I hate to sound like a hard-ass, but I would probably let her stay home. You'll make it special to her soon after the wedding, and you want to make sure you have your Mother's full attention. It's a special day for her as well. If your Uncle and Cousin are adament about having your Grandmother there, then she can sit at their table, and they can clean her up after an accident. Just my opinion though.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Tell your uncle and cousin that grandma can certainly come... as long as she is their responsibility.  They have to pick her up, take her there, make sure she's comfortable during everything and then make sure she gets home safe and sound.

stella218

I don't think it is unreasonable to have your grandmother stay home on your wedding day, given her condition and what you've described.  Also, as you said, you and your mom are actually doing this as a way of looking out for her as well.  And your mom is going to have a LOT to worry about/tend to on your wedding day.  She deserves to enjoy this day with you and not feel guilty.  If your uncle and cousin feel that strongly about your grandmother being there, they should understand that they need to step up and help your mom out by tending to your grandmother's needs.  There's only so much she can do at once.  Good luck!

lexandfab

I would tell uncle absolutely not. While I agree with the reasoning behind AllAboutTheBenjamins, it sounds like they are the type of people who would dump it on your mom once they get there, or your mom will feel guilty they are not taking good enough care of her. What you are doing for your grandmother afterwards is incredibly sweet and thoughtful, it's your uncle who is being selfish. GL

aMrsin09

Can your mom explain all of this to the nuersing home and get thier opinion?  They may tell your Uncle "No way, not happening".

kristinanddan

I was in an incredibly similar situation. Although my grandmother did not have bathroom issues at the end, she was incredibly confused and that would sometimes cause her to act out. It was a very sad decision, but we decided not to bring her to the ceremony. Our plan was to visit her the next day, but I certainly think showing up to visit her in your dress would be awesome of you

As for your uncle - I would point out to them just how bad her condition is and have someone from the home explain why it's better for your grandmother that she stays there.

Good luck, I know it's stressful.

strlzfan11

I think that you've come up with an excellent way to keep your grandmother involved by going to visit her afterwards.

Who has her power of attorney?  Obviously your grandmother is not in a position to make that kind of decision herself, so whoever has the POA should make the decision and that should be final.

andy71781

I too was in a similar situation and H's grandma stayed at home.  I think you and your mom should stand your ground.  I'm sorry that you are going through this.

BeeBee22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_quick-family-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:76c29980-a9ec-4fc2-9683-d01b2592d89fPost:e05de451-3ba1-47d1-8808-b6b5cce43c45">Re: Help!! Quick! Family issues!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Can your mom explain all of this to the nuersing home and get thier opinion?  They may tell your Uncle "No way, not happening".
Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ooh, this is a great idea. The people there know how devoted your mother is. Frankly, I'll bet they think taking her on a long field trip is a bad idea. </div><div>
</div><div>Your uncle is being awful and cruel. You are right in sticking up for your mother, and visiting your GM afterward is very kind.

</div>

MamaSally

Let's say your grandmother had no dementia.  Just bowel and bladder problems, and maybe some anxiety.  If she had the ability to make a decision, do you think she would want to be there if you gave her the option of staying home?  Elderly people with the problems like your grandmother has will usually avoid large social gatherings.  Incontinence is mortifying, additionally if she will not enjoy the event nor remember it, I see no reason to put her through the stress.

DrPB2b13

I will be having the same problem with my grandmother as well, but I have already decided that I will not have her attend the wedding.

It is a very difficult decision, and I understand why your uncle & cousin want her to be there, but I also know that ultimately, and unfortunately, it probably isn't in your grandmother's best interests to have her there.  I agree that talking to the nursing home staff is an excellent idea, because they'll know her well and should be able to make recommendations, but honestly, it's highly likely that regardless of whoever is taking care of her, she won't get the care and attention she needs while at your wedding simply due to all the events going on.

I think the plan to visit the nursing home in your wedding dress is incredibly generous and wonderful of you, because not only will it bring joy to your grandmother's day, it will make many of the other residents in the home happy as well.

If your uncle and cousin continue to get upset about this, try reminding them that your grandmother couldn't remember her own birthday party the next day.  It is highly unlikely she would remember your wedding, and she will probably get the same amount of pleasure seeing you in your dress at the home as she would actually being there to witness it - the difference being that she's not put through the stress of traveling or potentially having an accident in public.

ThePinkSuperhero

Stand by your Mom, she is making the right decision- your poor grandmother does not sound like she is in well enough health to attend.  Tell your uncle and cousin they can go to you-know-where.

TheCranberry

I agree with the PP's. 

I will have to deal with a similar issue with my two grandmothers.  Neither of them are senile, but they are both bedridden and in nursing homes.  Grandma 1 is able to sit in a wheelchair and may be able to attend.  Grandma 2 has health issues when they try to put her in a chair (blood pressure drops, sometimes she faints) so she probably can't come.  They both want to attend, but it's unlikely that Grandma 2 will be able to, and we will have to play Grandma 1 by ear.

If Grandma 1 does attend, we will probably hire a day nurse to provide her care during the ceremony.  She'd only stay for the ceremony, and we would ask the caterer to prepare a plate for both of them.

If you think it's possible to have your grandmother come, you should really think about hiring a day nurse to provide her with exclusive care both for her benefit and for your mother so she can enjoy the day.  Perhaps she can only stay for the ceremony instead of the whole thing?

I know this is a hard decision for you.  Good luck.

cbvcru67

Do Not let your uncle and cousin pressure you into allowing your grandmother to attend.

For people in her situation, excitement at all can be both physically and mentally draining.  Add to that significant travel  (with my gram, in a similar situation, significant travel is anything that requires a car ride longer than 20 minutes), and your poor grandmother will be frazzled and exhausted before you even say your vows.  That would also likely mean your mother would be pulled away to help calm her, change her, tend to her.

While I believe it will 100% be best for Gram to stay in her home for her own personal health, I also believe that this day will be very special to your mom as well as you.  And if your mother can so selflessly give herself to your grandmother on so many other days, this one should really be for her.  

Maybe you can set up a video stream so that she can watch from the home?  Or Uncle can take cake and a plate of food to visit her and skip part of the reception.  It just does not make sense that you and your family should have to shoulder this burden on that day, as well as entertain family and friends from far away.  Your uncle is the one being unrealistic and maybe is in denial about his mother.

MobKaz

Often times at this stage of life, any changes in an elderly persons life, including a simple day trip, can cause enough stress and anxiety to create issues such as those you described.  The structure and routine of their schedule and environment is their safety net....without it, additional physical and mental symptoms can and do manifest.

In the best interest of your grandmother, and to ensure that she can absolutely enjoy as much of your wedding as possible, both emotionally, and physically, follow through with your instincts and bring the wedding to her.  Take some pictures, bring a polaroid if you have to.... a frame or two, and then she can remember every day thereafter :-)

srkropf

I think that you and your mom have come to a wonderful decision to include your grandmother in the best way possible for all parties involved-- your uncle and nephew do not sound like they understand/care about the situation-- so forget about them.

othatdanielle

Thank you for your input and support, you guys are amazing!!  It's so nice to get this off my chest, and for people to understand! 

Still, it is such a tough situation, it really sucks.  My uncle and cousin aren't really that mean - I was just thinking that this might have to do with the fact that uncle's daughter/cousin's sister recently got married and did a destination wedding, so grandma wasn't able to go to that.  Maybe they are feeling guilty like she is going to miss all the weddings of her grandkids?  I know their intentions are good, it's just an unfortunate thing they are doing to my mom in the process.

I honestly think my grandmother would appreciate it a thousand times more if we could go to her at her home, do the whole dress thing, show her pictures and video, and tell her about it, one-on-one, in a place where she is comfortable.  I know she would be so proud that way, it might even stick because the other people at the home could remind her about it later.  It's like she's at the point where she isn't embarrassed about things, but isn't that when it's our job, as her family, to step up and protect her? 

My mother has talked to the people at the nursing home and a psychiatrist who all think that it is not a good idea to bring my grandmother to the wedding, but i know my mom still feels terrible about it, and my uncle and cousin still think she should come.  My plan is to make sure my mom realizes that she knows best when it comes to grandma, then call the unlce and cousin (who i have been avoiding) and tell them my whole idea for the re-creation of the wedding and invite them to join in.  Thanks for the confidence boost!

mica178

I work with a lot of older people in nursing homes.  Most of the ones like your grandmother skip family events that aren't nearby because the travel, the incontinence, and everything else makes it too stressful for everyone.  I know one lovely lady who hasn't been to a family event in years but is regularly visited by family, gets lots of letters and pictures, and feels completely connected with her family, even if she doesn't attend her grandchildrens' weddings/baptisms, etc. 

I think showing up in your gown with your DH would be a wonderful gesture.  Later on, send pictures of the day so she has visual reminders of your wedding day.  I think she'd appreciate that more than sitting in a wet Depends for the hour car ride and feeling like a burden to family members.

Kristin789

Your mom is the host of the wedding.
If she says that Gma is not attending the wedding, then Gma is not attending the wedding.
Uncle and cousin do not have a say in this.  They are not hosting the wedding, so they don't get to manipulate your mother, and they don't get to manipulate the guest list. 

No matter if they are guilty about not including Gma in something THEY hosted and now they are trying to guilt your mother into having Gma at a different event - which is just about the most selfish kind of manipulation there is...

gopsmith

I completely agree with her not being able to come.  Is there a possibility that someone can live-fi the wedding to her off a phone to a computer at the nursing home?  She may not be able to remember it, but you could show her a replay at anytime.

TTiger03

You can certainly tell your mom that you have 100% backing from the ladies here.  She should not feel guilty at all about your grandmother skipping the wedding.  Perhaps you can suggest that your uncle and cousin make a trip to visit grandma the morning of the wedding if they think she is being excluded.  They can see that she is not alone and that it would be best to honor your wishes to do a visit after the wedding.  This would also free up your mom from the daily trip that day so she can focus on what (as others have said) is going to be a very important day in her life as well as yours.
The only potential problem would be if they try to bring her anyway, but you can probably ask the staff at the home to keep an eye on this per the dr's orders.
If they happen to mention that you are getting married that day, it is unlikely she will remember.  If, on the off chance, she does remember, you can be sure to tell her that you wanted to make it a special occasion for her.

kebmtm071605

I'm really sorry you and your mom are dealing with this.  My grandmother had alzheimer's in her later years, and it is a tough thing to witness.  The majority of her care was always taken on by the same family members...yet still, those who did not help as much ALWAYS had an opinion.

My grandmother was able to come to my brother's wedding (about 6 months before she passed away).  The only way she was able to come though was with a caretaker (at the time she had 24-hour in-home care, so we just had her regular caretaker who was absolutely wonderful with her bring her).  It would have been too much work for a family member to care for her the entire time of the wedding.  I"m certain my Nana did not remember anything from the wedding, but she seemed to have a good time while she was there.  And my brother & SIL have great pictures of her at their wedding to remember her by.

Unless your uncle and cousin are willing and able to fully care for your grandmother during that time (transport her, help her with the bathroom, help her with her food, etc.), then your mom is just going to put her foot down and say no.  Yes, they will probably think she is a miserable b*tch, and that she is being horribly selfish and unfair.  She is not though.  Everyone has their limitations, and your mother should be free to enjoy her daughter's wedding day.

Good luck with the situation.