Felt slighted... how to move on? (Sorry it's long)

ast284

I know this may not be etiquette per se but I lurk here the most and in turn feel like I know you all the best.

Back story:
Three years ago (just realized almost to the day lol) my long term college BF broke up with me. I was crushed. But I thought that I had a great group of friends who would have my back and be there for me. Since the break up was very "out-of-the-blue" I didn't get over very quickly. About 4 or 5 of the girls I hung out with were very supportive and I could not have asked for more. However, some of the girls in our group were just mean about the whole thing. Not to get into too many details, it was just snarky stuff that over time caused a riff and we stopped hanging out and speaking all together.

The worst came when I started dating my now FI. We all hung out with the same circle of people (very small college). FI had never seriously dated anyone, but a lot of the girls liked to flirt with him because he was so sweet. When FI and I were just friends he liked a mutual friend; she said she couldn't date him because he was the kind of guy you dated when you were ready to settle down, which she wasn't.

The reason my dating him offended some of our friends was because he was close to my Ex. But before asking me out FI asked Ex if he minded and he didn't.

So now to the point of my post.

FI and Ex are still good friends, and Ex and I even get along rather well. But I'm still not comfortable being around some of my old "friends" who were so mean to me. These friends are also still friends with the girls who would get an invite no matter what. And even though I'm sure we would all be civil, I'm not sure how I feel about inviting people to my wedding who were so opposed to the relationship to begin with.

Would you invite them to keep peace and the snarkiness to a minimum?  (Budget / Headcount not an issue)

tenofcups4me

I'm not following why you're even considering inviting them. You don't like them and don't have a relationship with them so why WOULD you invite them?

katieisawesome

Don't invite anyone you don't want at your wedding (unless they are the SO of someone you *are* inviting).

VRL

I'm not sure why anyone in your circle of friends would be upset with YOU because your Ex's friend was interested in dating you.

That being said, these ladies burnt their bridges with you - unless you're trying to mend them, I see no point in inviting them to your wedding. Likely, they wouldn't attend anyhow.

ast284

I should have clarified.

I do still talk to some of these girls. Some of them started talking to me on fb and at get togethers as if nothing ever happened. (We all used to be really close.) And one of them might be there as a date. I guess I'm worried that it might make things worse if they are not invited. I'm not worried for my relationships with them really, more like some of my other friends being caught in the middle.

I know I have some time before really worrying about this, but FI and I decided that we need to start working on a potential guest list soon and I know it will come up.

ast284

In Response to Re: Felt slighted... how to move on? (Sorry it's long):
[QUOTE]I'm not sure why anyone in your circle of friends would be upset with YOU because your Ex's friend was interested in dating you. That being said, these ladies burnt their bridges with you - unless you're trying to mend them, I see no point in inviting them to your wedding. Likely, they wouldn't attend anyhow.
Posted by VRL[/QUOTE]

We all had the same friends. It was one big group that did pretty much everything together.

tenofcups4me

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_felt-slighted-move-sorry-its-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:773a5b91-a89e-4045-a06f-855d3f740b3fPost:e8a11fe9-9bba-4656-b607-aff7bb93c8bf">Re: Felt slighted... how to move on? (Sorry it's long)</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm not worried for my relationships with them really, more like some of my other friends being caught in the middle.
Posted by ast284[/QUOTE]

Honestly, that's not your problem. You can't base your guest list on who's friends with others of your friends. If you end up becoming friendlier with these women again, add them to the guest list then. But you have no obligation to invite an outer circle of friends just because they're also friends with your inner circle.

VRL

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_felt-slighted-move-sorry-its-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:773a5b91-a89e-4045-a06f-855d3f740b3fPost:df320c2c-5b36-4aec-ace2-5e87741b39dc">Re: Felt slighted... how to move on? (Sorry it's long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Felt slighted... how to move on? (Sorry it's long) : [QUOTE ]I'm not sure why anyone in your circle of friends would be upset with YOU because your Ex's friend was interested in dating you . That being said, these ladies burnt their bridges with you - unless you're trying to mend them, I see no point in inviting them to your wedding. Likely, they wouldn't attend anyhow. Posted by VRL[/QUOTE] We all had the same friends. It was one big group that did pretty much everything together.
Posted by ast284[/QUOTE]


I still don't understand why it would matter to them.

Your significant other leaves you, for no apparent reason, you eventually move on with a guy who treats you well (I'm assuming, since he's your FI now), and those friends get upset with you?

I would have felt terribly betrayed if I were you.

I still agree with PPs. You are not obligated to invite them; you are not close with them, even if they are/were members of your circle of friends. Invite the people you love and care about.

TheCranberry

What do you think would be made worse by not inviting them?  You relationship with them?  It sounds like you're not friends with them anyway (maybe acquaintances) so that's not a big deal.

Your relationship with your mutual friends?  If they are real friends, they will stay out of it.  That's between you and those other people.  If anyone asks who is invited, just tell them you're still working on the guest list.  Once you do send invitations and people wonder why some people weren't invited just say that space and budget constraints meant you couldn't invite everyone.  Leave it at that.  You owe no explanations to anyone so don't feel pressed to explain.

CanadianGurl

I agree with the PP, that if they are the SO of someone who is receiving an invitation, then they should obviously be attending. Otherwise, the only way I would see it being worthwhile to invite them to keep the peace is if they were part of a very tight-knit group and it was incredibly obvious that they were excluded (as in 1 girl), and even then only if it caused you such an amount of grief it was obviously better to just invite her. But if you're talking about a few girls, wouldn't it seem more like you were only inviting the girls you see privately, in-person, on a regular basis, and are therefore closer to? Not that you were choosing not to invite based on the reasons you previously mentioned. I doubt they would get the connection.  I don't understand why they would even be snarky, and if they are, oh well, they'll get over it.

ast284

Thanks everyone!I know you are all right. But I just can't shake this nagging feeling that they are going to notice. And once again I know I shouldn't care but I do. I also understand that things could change in the next 9 months.

I think I'm more sad than anything, because before all of this happened there would be no question. There's three girls (one of them is dating FI's best friend) and they are my sorority sisters but at the time they felt more loyalty to my Ex than me. (They actually knew him longer and he has a way with charming people.) So they felt I was wrong to date his friend.

Thanks again! I know this is just something that I will have consider over the course of the next year. Just wanted an outside perspective. Plus I didn't want to ask any mutual friends and make them uncomfortable.

mkrupar

You say some of the girls are starting to come around? I'll ditto milkdud's advice. Wait a while before making a final decision on these girls. You may find yourself much closer to them in nine months. I'd keep them off the list, but if things change then you can always add them before invites go out.

Amynutrition

Invite only persons who will  support your marriage and your vows to each other and persons who you want to be a part of your new life together (settling down, kids, etc.)

I told my FI before being engaged "no ex's at the wedding, period" but in your case it is up to you.

July2012bride

I am in the exact same situation (except girls from high school and one of the girls had a crush on my now FI when we started dating).  People picked sides and some in my group of friends held a grudge for 4ish years.

At this point, I've made 2 lists: 1 with everyone included that I might want to invite and the 2nd a more "Conservative" list that only includes people I HAVE to have at my wedding. There is a difference of about 10 couples between the two lists and I have room for about 5 more couples I can afford to invite.   If something changes in my relationship with any of those people or if I become close with newer friends between now and when invites go out, I'll add them to the "Conservative" list and shuffle around as necessary.

I too have struggled with the fact that these ladies are still close friends with many I'm inviting and I don't like hurting people's feelings, but the fact of the matter is that I am no longer close to them and not everyone in a GROUP of friends has to be best friends.

As long as there is more than one person in the GROUP you are not inviting, I think it is perfectly acceptable, especially if they haven't really been supportive of your relationship with FI. 

Good luck!  I would definitely keep 2 lists of people for your guest list when it comes time to get a rough headcount for booking venues, etc. but make sure you make your final guest decisions before sending out invitations (i.e. don't do an A/B list for invites).

catchmeblue70

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_felt-slighted-move-sorry-its-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:773a5b91-a89e-4045-a06f-855d3f740b3fPost:19716038-a0f5-4bad-9c50-da89ac1a943c">Re: Felt slighted... how to move on? (Sorry it's long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Invite only persons who will  support your marriage and your vows to each other and persons who you want to be a part of your new life together (settling down, kids, etc.) I told my FI before being engaged "no ex's at the wedding, period" but in your case it is up to you.
Posted by Amynutrition[/QUOTE]

<div>This. I couldn't have said it any better.</div>

noodle_oo

Are you still in college now?  Because if you are (or you just recently graduated), it may seem like you will all be friends forever, but you probably won't be.  As you get older and people move away, you will lose touch with people.  And if you dnot' really like these girls, most likely you will lose contact with them. 

So as others suggested:  leave them off for now and reevaluate in like a year.  By then you will either have gotten closer or gotten furhter apart. 

Also, don't invite them just because they are friends of friends.  Believe me, in 10 years when you look back at your guest list, you will probalby shake your head and say why in the world did I invite people I barely care about.  I really think it is better to stick with those you are closest to at the time of the wedding and drop the "courtesy" invites.

marinabreeze

I agree with pps.  You have time.  Keep them off the list for now, and then reevaluate your relationship with these women when it's time for invitations to go out. 

You don't have to invite everyone in the same circle of friends, and I don't see why you care about how they're going to feel about being left off the list.  If they don't support your relationship with your FI, why would you invite them anyway? 

And I don't see how it will place the mutual friends in an awkward position.  I would hope that they know well enough not to discuss invitations with others, and if they do and it causes awkwardness, that's not your fault.