not sure if guest has significant other

aramatams

I have several college friends that I am inviting to the wedding who I haven't spoken to in a little while.  I am not sure if they are dating, or if those who did have significant others are still together.  Our guest list is tight (we can only fit 150 people at the reception) and we originally were only going to allow guests to have a +1 if they are in a serious relationship or don't know other people at the wedding.

As long as they know other people at the wedding, is it best to just to invite them without a guest?

Simply Fated

As long as they know other people at the wedding, is it best to just to invite them without a guest?
If they are in a relationship, they should still be invited with their significant other.


Out of curiosity, if you guest list is tight at 150, do you really think it's the best idea to invite a bunch of people you haven't spoken to in awhile... and you don't even know if they are in a serious relationship or not?

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-sure-guest-significant-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77a684ab-82d2-4891-90cf-2fa9044a47f3Post:56ff8674-e075-4d84-b266-346e684ab93d">not sure if guest has significant other</a>:
[QUOTE]I have several college friends that I am inviting to the wedding who I haven't spoken to in a little while.  I am not sure if they are dating, or if those who did have significant others are still together.  Our guest list is tight (we can only fit 150 people at the reception) and we originally were only going to allow guests to have a +1 if they are in a serious relationship or don't know other people at the wedding. <strong>As long as they know other people at the wedding, is it best to just to invite them without a guest?</strong>
Posted by aramatams[/QUOTE]

No, because if they are in serious relationships, then excluding their dates would be rude.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-sure-guest-significant-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77a684ab-82d2-4891-90cf-2fa9044a47f3Post:56ff8674-e075-4d84-b266-346e684ab93d">not sure if guest has significant other</a>:
[QUOTE]I have several college friends that I am inviting to the wedding who I haven't spoken to in a little while.  I am not sure if they are dating, or if those who did have significant others are still together.  Our guest list is tight (we can only fit 150 people at the reception) and we originally were only going to allow guests to have a +1 if they are in a serious relationship or don't know other people at the wedding. As long as they know other people at the wedding, is it best to just to invite them without a guest?
Posted by aramatams[/QUOTE]
If you don't know them well enough to know if they have a BF/GF, you probably don't know them well enough to justify inviting them to a wedding where you already have a crowded guest list.

If you insist on inviting them, the proper thing to do is to call them to find out the name of their partner, so that you can properly invite them.

aramatams

I wasn't asking for people's opinion on who I should invite to my wedding.  and just because I haven't talked to them in a while and aren't sure if they are dating anyone doesn't mean that they aren't important people in my life.  these are all close friends but we just haven't done the best job at keeping in touch.  but it's not like I never talk to them anymore...

I had considered calling them and asking if they are dating someone, however I would find it a little awkward to then say "oh sorry, since you are single you don't get a guest"  that's why I thought it would be best to just say no guests unless you are engaged/married or don't know anyone else at the wedding. 

LP11509

I would just call to catch up.  Don't say that you're calling to talk about your wedding.  Just say, "hey, we haven't talked in awhile, let's catch up! How're you doing? How's the family? Are you dating anyone?".  Then you'll get your answer, and won't risk offending anyone.

aramatams

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-sure-guest-significant-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77a684ab-82d2-4891-90cf-2fa9044a47f3Post:e237387d-1105-4742-b373-e808c63555d9">Re: not sure if guest has significant other</a>:
[QUOTE]I would just call to catch up.  Don't say that you're calling to talk about your wedding.  Just say, "hey, we haven't talked in awhile, let's catch up! How're you doing? How's the family? Are you dating anyone?".  Then you'll get your answer, and won't risk offending anyone.
Posted by LP11509[/QUOTE]

that's a good idea and a very simple solution.  thanks!

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-sure-guest-significant-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77a684ab-82d2-4891-90cf-2fa9044a47f3Post:cd55c958-e72b-495f-bbe5-cf1738186aea">Re: not sure if guest has significant other</a>:
[QUOTE]I wasn't asking for people's opinion on who I should invite to my wedding.  and just because I haven't talked to them in a while and aren't sure if they are dating anyone doesn't mean that they aren't important people in my life.  these are all close friends but we just haven't done the best job at keeping in touch.  but it's not like I never talk to them anymore... I had considered calling them and asking if they are dating someone, however I would find it a little awkward to then say "oh sorry, since you are single you don't get a guest"  that's why I thought it would be best to just say no guests unless you are engaged/married or don't know anyone else at the wedding. 
Posted by aramatams[/QUOTE]

This is a message board.  You don't get to dicatate how others respond to you.  If you want to control everyone's responses to your questions, start a blog, and moderate the comments section.

Anyone in a LTR (married, engaged, living together, or dating long-term) should be invited with their SO, regardless of whether or not they are engaged or married.

Ask anyone here that has received an invitation to a wedding that did not include their longterm or live in BF whether or not they were offended that he wasn't invited, and you'll probably get a resounding "yes."  Many people also choose to decline such invitations because of the obvious slight.

Call your friends, catch up on their life.  Then, find out the name of their SOs
 

aramatams

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-sure-guest-significant-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77a684ab-82d2-4891-90cf-2fa9044a47f3Post:f6d7ac98-c07a-4293-aaf3-8854763fe7de">Re: not sure if guest has significant other</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: not sure if guest has significant other : This is a message board.  You don't get to dicatate how others respond to you.  If you want to control everyone's responses to your questions, start a blog, and moderate the comments section. Anyone in a LTR (married, engaged, living together, or dating long-term) should be invited with their SO, regardless of whether or not they are engaged or married. Ask anyone here that has received an invitation to a wedding that did not include their longterm or live in BF whether or not they were offended that he wasn't invited, and you'll probably get a resounding "yes."  Many people also choose to decline such invitations because of the obvious slight. Call your friends, catch up on their life.  Then, find out the name of their SOs  
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

alright, thanks for the input.

kxp004

I had some of the same issues with my guest list...

But... here are my thoughts...

A) you're working on a budget and can only invite so many people
If they are engaged or married... yes invite their SO
C) Everyone else I wouldn't invite them with a 1+  and here is why...

If the person you invite is dating they will most likely do one of three things:

1) come by themselves

2) call you and ask if their SO can attend (which you can then choose to make an exception, or explain how truly sorry you are because you just don't have the $)

3) not come

If you can't invite their SO because you don't have the money, then don't! Would you rather not invite either of them because you don't want to offend their SO? No... hopefully their SO will be understanding because not everyone has a limitless budget...

I have a friend who has been on and off dating this guy for the past year, but I just invited her... she asked me if she could bring him and I POLITELY told her, even tho he's a really nice guy, we realllllllllllly can't afford it. Sorry...

So if she decides not to come, then she wasn't as good a friend as I thought she was, because she should understand that we just don't have the money....

This probably doesn't follow proper etiquette, but unless you have tons of money, sometimes you have to throw etiquette out the window and just do what's right for y'all... hope this helps

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-sure-guest-significant-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77a684ab-82d2-4891-90cf-2fa9044a47f3Post:753e0a94-7590-436e-8bb7-6fcd8d97f1b3">Re: not sure if guest has significant other</a>:
[QUOTE]I had some of the same issues with my guest list... But... here are my thoughts... A) you're working on a budget and can only invite so many people B) If they are engaged or married... yes invite their SO C) Everyone else I wouldn't invite them with a 1+  and here is why... If the person you invite is dating they will most likely do one of three things: 1) come by themselves 2) call you and ask if their SO can attend (which you can then choose to make an exception, or explain how truly sorry you are because you just don't have the $) 3) not come If you can't invite their SO because you don't have the money, then don't! Would you rather not invite either of them because you don't want to offend their SO? No... hopefully their SO will be understanding because not everyone has a limitless budget... I have a friend who has been on and off dating this guy for the past year, but I just invited her... she asked me if she could bring him and I POLITELY told her, even tho he's a really nice guy, we realllllllllllly can't afford it. Sorry... So if she decides not to come, then she wasn't as good a friend as I thought she was, because she should understand that we just don't have the money.... <strong>This probably doesn't follow proper etiquette, but unless you have tons of money, sometimes you have to throw etiquette out the window and just do what's right for y'all... hope this helps :)</strong>
Posted by kxp004[/QUOTE]

If you don't care about following proper etiquette, you probably shouldn't be posting on an etiquette board.

kxp004

... actually what i said is still correct etiquette.... look at the knot's Q & A board....that's where I got my advice....

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/top-wedding-questions/qa/allowing-single-guests-to-bring-date.aspx

Q: My fiance and I are paying for most of our wedding and we are on a tight budget. We would like to invite as many people as possible, which makes it tough to invite singles with guests. Is it acceptable to invite single family and friends but not include "and guest" on their invitations? My fiance says we have to allow wedding guests to bring a date out of courtesy. I just don't want to eliminate people just because we're obligated to let them bring a guest that we can't afford. What should we do?

A: This is an age-old debate. Your fiance has a point -- it is gracious to allow single guests to bring a date so they won't feel awkward or left out. But your point is valid too -- if you can't afford the extra guests, it may be even worse to cut people from your guest list just because you can't let them bring a friend. Deal with this problem on a case-by-case basis. If you have unmarried friends and relatives in long-term relationships, you might want to consider inviting their partners. (Even though they're not married, they're committed.) Then, invite your more single friends and relatives without dates rather than crossing them off your www.theknot.com/guestlistintro.cgi">wedding guest list altogether. If anyone complains, simply explain your dilemma -- it was important that they be there, but that you couldn't afford to invite dates. Then, carefully consider where to seat them at the wedding; you may want to put them with other singles so they won't get stuck at a table of couples. Who knows, two of your guests might even make a match at your wedding!

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-sure-guest-significant-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77a684ab-82d2-4891-90cf-2fa9044a47f3Post:14a4a3e7-1105-4ad8-aa47-52bfae015b32">Re: not sure if guest has significant other</a>:
[QUOTE]... actually what i said is still correct etiquette.... look at the knot's Q & A board....that's where I got my advice.... <a rel="nofollow" href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/top-wedding-questions/qa/allowing-single-guests-to-bring-date.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/top-wedding-questions/qa/allowing-single-guests-to-bring-date.aspx</a> Q: My fiance and I are paying for most of our wedding and we are on a tight budget. We would like to invite as many people as possible, which makes it tough to invite singles with guests. Is it acceptable to invite single family and friends but not include "and guest" on their invitations? My fiance says we have to allow wedding guests to bring a date out of courtesy. I just don't want to eliminate people just because we're obligated to let them bring a guest that we can't afford. What should we do? A: This is an age-old debate. Your fiance has a point -- it is gracious to allow single guests to bring a date so they won't feel awkward or left out. But your point is valid too -- if you can't afford the extra guests, it may be even worse to cut people from your guest list just because you can't let them bring a friend. Deal with this problem on a case-by-case basis.<strong> If you have unmarried friends and relatives in long-term relationships, you might want to consider inviting their partners. (Even though they're not married, they're committed.) Then, invite your more single friends and relatives without dates rather than crossing them off</strong> your <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.theknot.com/guestlistintro.cgi">www.theknot.com/guestlistintro.cgi</a> "> wedding guest list altogether. If anyone complains, simply explain your dilemma -- it was important that they be there, but that you couldn't afford to invite dates. Then, carefully consider where to seat them at the wedding; you may want to put them with other singles so they won't get stuck at a table of couples. Who knows, two of your guests might even make a match at your wedding!
Posted by kxp004[/QUOTE]

I think you missed the point of your own post.  People in long term relationships are committed and considered a social unit.  You cannot break up a social unit without offending someone.  My mom and her partner have been together 15 years.  They're not married.  According to your advice, I don't HAVE to invite my mom's BF, but I'd sure as hell piss them off if I didn't, and rightly so.

Truly single people (not in LTRs) are not obligated a +1.

ETA:  and telling someone to "screw etiquette!!!!  It's your day!!!!"  is almost always the wrong answer on these boards.

kxp004

no no no... that's not what i meant.... i didnt mean it's your day don't give a crap about anyone else.... and technically in texas your mother and her partner would be "married" according to common law... but that's besides the point....

you're correct it would be rude to not invite your mom's bf, but...I am assuming that she has talked to these people in the past 2 years... obviously if they had been dating for 15 years she would know...

anyways...
I'm just talking from my experience...

my fiance was a groomsman in a wedding and we had been dating for over a year....i wasn't offended because I wasn't invited... i didn't know these people so obviously they probably didn't know about me.... instead my FI (my bf then) talked to the groom and okayed it with him and he was more than happy to let  my FI bring me...if the groom had said no then i would have been understanding and supportive that they were just on a really tight budget...

either way, i'm not trying to argue with anyone, just share a different perspective

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]... actually what i said is still correct etiquette.... look at the knot's Q & A board....that's where I got my advice.... <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/top-wedding-questions/qa/allowing-single-guests-to-bring-date.aspx" rel="nofollow">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/top-wedding-questions/qa/allowing-single-guests-to-bring-date.aspx</a> Q: My fiance and I are paying for most of our wedding and we are on a tight budget. We would like to invite as many people as possible, which makes it tough to invite singles with guests. Is it acceptable to invite single family and friends but not include "and guest" on their invitations? My fiance says we have to allow wedding guests to bring a date out of courtesy. I just don't want to eliminate people just because we're obligated to let them bring a guest that we can't afford. What should we do? A: This is an age-old debate. Your fiance has a point -- it is gracious to allow single guests to bring a date so they won't feel awkward or left out. But your point is valid too -- if you can't afford the extra guests, it may be even worse to cut people from your guest list just because you can't let them bring a friend. Deal with this problem on a case-by-case basis.<strong> If you have unmarried friends and relatives in long-term relationships, you might want to consider inviting their partners. (Even though they're not married, they're committed.)</strong> Then, invite your more single friends and relatives without dates rather than crossing them off your <a href="http://www.theknot.com/guestlistintro.cgi" rel="nofollow">www.theknot.com/guestlistintro.cgi</a> "> wedding guest list altogether. If anyone complains, simply explain your dilemma -- it was important that they be there, but that you couldn't afford to invite dates. Then, carefully consider where to seat them at the wedding; you may want to put them with other singles so they won't get stuck at a table of couples. Who knows, two of your guests might even make a match at your wedding!
Posted by kxp004[/QUOTE]

But it sounded in your post before this one that you were talking about leaving even SOs of those in LTRs off the list - it looked like your cutoff in that post was "engaged or married".

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]no no no... that's not what i meant.... i didnt mean it's your day don't give a crap about anyone else.... and technically in texas your mother and her partner would be "married" according to common law... but that's besides the point.... you're correct it would be rude to not invite your mom's bf, but...I am assuming that she has talked to these people in the past 2 years... obviously if they had been dating for 15 years she would know... anyways... I'm just talking from my experience... <strong>my fiance was a groomsman in a wedding and we had been dating for over a year....i wasn't offended because I wasn't invited... i didn't know these people so obviously they probably didn't know about me.... </strong><strong>instead my FI (my bf then) talked to the groom and okayed it with him and he was more than happy to let  my FI bring me...if the groom had said no then i would have been understanding and supportive that they were just on a really tight budget...</strong> either way, i'm not trying to argue with anyone, just share a different perspective
Posted by kxp004[/QUOTE]

But you should have been invited in the first place, is the problem. You two were in a LTR at that point. And, your then-BF-now-FI was in the wedding party, who are usually allowed a +1 even if they're single, as a courtesy. <em>And, </em>I'd feel <em>terribly</em> hurt if my FI were in a wedding party - presumably having fairly constant contact with the couple - and the couple didn't know about me.

It's great that your feelings weren't hurt, but that doesn't make your not being invited okay or polite. Your FI shouldn't have been put in a position to have to ask if you could come.

brilibby4

Someone in a serious relationship (like my FI and I when we had been living together for a year and a half but weren't engaged yet) should not have to call to ask to bring their SO.  That is just ridiculous advice. 

OP if you aren't sure if someone has a SO because you haven't talked in awhile, I agree calling them up to "chat" and asking if they are seeing anyone somewhere in the convo is the best way to go. 

tidetravel

WTF happened to my response? 

Whatever.  KHabity-abity-abtiy (as I call her in my head) summed it up nicely.

kxp004

She can't keep track of everyone's realtionship so I just suggested what I would have done.... invited the ones who were for sure engaged or married (including common law) and sent everyone else an invitation for one.... if they had a SO and were good friends then they can call her and talk to her....if y'all have better ideas then by all means... go ahead and tell her.... but I am free to have my opinion, right or wrong as it may be... i did what was right for me and maybe that's what is right for her.... or maybe something you propose will be right for her....i don't know

all i know is that I was on the short end of the stick, i was understanding, i didn't get mad....and walla! they had a beautiful wedding....so...hopefully her friends are just as understanding....

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-sure-guest-significant-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77a684ab-82d2-4891-90cf-2fa9044a47f3Post:57ce4e88-203e-4b4a-a5f5-18336bce094e">Re: not sure if guest has significant other</a>:
[QUOTE]She can't keep track of everyone's realtionship so I just suggested what I would have done.... invited the ones who were for sure engaged or married (including common law) and sent everyone else an invitation for one.... if they had a SO and were good friends then they can call her and talk to her....if y'all have better ideas then by all means... go ahead and tell her.... but I am free to have my opinion, right or wrong as it may be... i did what was right for me and maybe that's what is right for her.... or maybe something you propose will be right for her....i don't know all i know is that I was on the short end of the stick, i was understanding, i didn't get mad....and walla! they had a beautiful wedding....so...hopefully her friends are just as understanding....
Posted by kxp004[/QUOTE]

Except it puts the invitee in a postion of wondering if his/her SO was not invited or if it was an oversight.  And then they  either 1) add a +1 onto the RSVP anyway or they 2) call and ask if they can bring someone.  Both of which are rude, against proper etiquette, and puts the couple in an awkward position of having to say no..

The proper way to handle this issue is to find out the names of your invitee's guests and write them on the invitation.

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]WTF happened to my response?  Whatever.  <strong>KHabity-abity-abtiy</strong> (as I call her in my head) summed it up nicely.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

lol. thanks

kxp004

that's fine...and at your wedding you can do that....different strokes for different folks....she'll do what's best for her....and have an amazing wedding either way... i'm sure...

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-sure-guest-significant-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:77a684ab-82d2-4891-90cf-2fa9044a47f3Post:e188cce8-a5e9-4190-b7a2-796aef45bf73">Re: not sure if guest has significant other</a>:
[QUOTE]that's fine...and at your wedding you can do that....different strokes for different folks....she'll do what's best for her....and have an amazing wedding either way... i'm sure...
Posted by kxp004[/QUOTE]

That's great, but she asked what the proper thing to do is.  And the proper thing to do is not to split up social units even if you don't know about them because you haven't talked to the person in over a year.

Beachy730

I would call and catch up with them first like PPs said.  Don't make any mention of scoping out your guest list though. 

Would these college friends be coming from out of town?  I'm pretty sure the proper thing to do then is give them a guest regardless of whether they are in a relationship or not so that they have someone with them that they know.  I think its a very nice gesture to them.  If I had to travel to a wedding where I wasn't really friends with anyone then I would definitely want to bring someone with me that I knew.