The grieving bride's handbook

andamu

So it's becoming more and more apparent that my grandmother is probably not going to live to my wedding day.

Before I go any further: she is terminally ill, has been for a very long time, and is suffering a lot at this point.  She is in hospice care now.  Anything that happens will not be a surprise for us.

Also: we have had an unusual relationship, and while I care a lot about her, I'm not really sure how I will react to the situation.   My relationship with her was not typically close for a  grandparent-grandchild relationship.   (I don't really want to get into details, here or with most people I know in real life, but suffice it to say that she did not have stable relationships with anyone in her life for a period of about twenty years.) Moreover,  I have never seen either of my parents grieve before. 

So I guess my question is, how do you grieve and celebrate at the same time?  I don't really want to draw a lot of attention to myself and my parent, but I also don't want to unnecessarily conceal anything (and seem callous?).   I think I have to tell most of FI's family, lest they ask after her health and upset my parent, but again, I don't want to make a big deal over it.

I just want to prepare myself.  Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation?  Can you give me any advice?

ootmother2

No, I haven't experienced that personally but there's an old saying, "Man proposes, God disposes"

I'm very sorry about your Gram

HockeyFan4

have your FI tell his parents and let them spread the word out to his family. 

bmetz34

I agree with having your FI inform his parents/family ahead of time.  If you feel comfortable and had a good enough relationship that you want to, you can have a memorial candle, or have something in the program.  My sister had a little poem about 'those the couldn't physically be with us but are here in spirit' type thing in the program because all of our grandparents had passed, and listed names with relationships afterwards.  That way you could maybe clump her in with the rest of those that have passed on, and it wouldn't be singling her out.  I'm sorry to hear about her suffering and I hope hospice helps, it can be a blessing when done right.  My grandma passed a couple days before christmas, and we all got together and remembered her on that day, but still celebrated christmas.  I think with a wedding, she'd want you to be happy and celebrating that love. 

hoffse

I can relate to this situation, because my grandparents on my father's side were not close to me at all.  I live in Georgia, and they live in California, so we only saw them every few years.  There was also a period of about 8-10 years where we didn't go out there to see them because my dad got into a huge fight with them when I was a baby and had a falling out with them after my grandmother's dog tried to attack me as an infant and she defended it.  I will say that when both of my grandparents died it was harder to watch my dad grieve than for me to deal with my own grief.  Both of them were sick for years before their passing, and so in both instances it was good to know that their suffering was over.  That said, it took my dad a couple years to get over their deaths; while he wasn't terribly close to them, there was clearly at least some regret that he fled California in his twenties to get away from my crazy family out there.

As far as preparing yourself, just know that it will probably hit your parents harder than you might expect.  I was surprised to see my dad cry so hard for both of them, but that's because they were basically like strangers to me.  I cried for my dad, not really for myself.  The little I did grieve for myself was really due to lost opportunities, though I was a teen at the time, so there wasn't a lot I could do on my own to connect with them so far away.

Definitely tell your FI and his family; your FI will be able to support you and can be your confidante if you experience any guilt over your lack of feeling (like I did) or any confusion as to WHY you're crying...  my FI helped me figure out that it was for my dad rather than myself, and he helped me come to terms with those emotions without feeling like a truly horrible person.

I'm sorry you are going through this right before your wedding day.  It is certainly appropriate to honor her, even if the two of you aren't close.  Your wedding will still be a happy event, and it will provide a contrast to any grief your family members may be feeling at the time.  Best of luck.

regan117

I'm very sorry to hear this. I am dealing with the same situation with my grandfather...and he got ill very suddenly. There's nothing I can say to help you, as I am wondering the same thing. But good luck to you and I am sorry about your grandma.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Well, I will say that I was very close to my dad's mother. She died when I was 20 and at the time she was my only living grandparent. It was almost 8 years before my wedding, but as my wedding approached, it was a point of sadness for me, for sure. Even back when I was 20 I had to come to grips with the fact that she wouldn't be alive for my college graduation, my brother's high school graduation, my wedding day, the birth of my first child, etc. My mother was pretty beat up about the fact that neither of my grandmothers were there on my wedding day, even though I barely remember my mom's mother. She gave me a ring that belonged to her mother, and it was really emotional for her. I will also say that my grandmother passing ended up being really hard on my dad (his father died 9 years before) and it was an issue that led to some problems my parents had.

My husband's grandmother died 6 weeks before our wedding and we weren't able to go to the funeral. It was a totally different relationship - he grew up in Massachusetts and his extended family, including his grandmother, lived in Iowa. So they weren't close. I got to meet her once. It was a different relationship than the one I had with my grandmother, but I accepted that and dealt with it. We knew she had gotten our wedding invitation (and my husband's aunt told us that too) before she died. It was sad, but life goes on.

It might be really hard for you to deal with your parents grieving. In that way, I guess I'm sort of glad I had to deal with loss from a young age. I wish you luck with that. I will say that it's all a part of being human, growing up, and realizing your parents aren't invincible.

azdancer8

I say be open with your FI's family about it. There's no reason not to tell them, and you can keep it simple without seeming callous. I'm sure they'll understand if your family is grieving, even if it happens at the wedding.

My grandfather passed away about a month before our wedding, and his memorial service was the weekend before our ceremony (I was not able to go). I was not at all close to him growing up, but it was hard to know my dad was dealing with all of it and I couldn't be there with him.

It sounds sort of strange, but it was actually a relief that he passed away before the wedding rather than after it. He would not have been able to attend due to his declining health, and we were able to honor him anyways. His family was able to take time to grieve for him, and then have a "family reunion" of sorts to look forward to.

We put this in our wedding program along with the names of our deceased grandparents:

Regretfully, some of our relatives are no longer with us to celebrate this special day. We feel they are here in spirit and will always be in our hearts. We would like to remember them with love.

kristinanddan

My grandmother died on my wedding day. My parents didn't tell anyone until the next day, but how my mom made it through my wedding I will never know. My grandmother had been ill for a few months before the wedding, and due to dementia she was not the same person anymore. While she was on my mind during the day of the wedding, I tried to put all those feelings aside and just relaxed and had a great time for a few hours.

breaness

My uncle passed away 2 weeks after we got engaged. We were very close. He never married and never had kids so I was the closest thing to a daughter he ever had and he was a part of our "family unit." For holidays it was always me, my mom, my dad, and my Uncle Tom.

He had cancer and we all knew it was coming but it was still absolutely devastating. I would have loved for him to live to my wedding day, but obviously that was not possible.

I have to say, wedding planning and having something positive to think about was a lovely distraction. I cried a lot in the weeks following his death, and I was sad all the time. I could go from completely normal to a complete wreck in a matter of minutes... but having something happy to think about helped me get through the time. 

People love good news, and they love celebration. It may feel inappropriate to be happy in a time of grieving, but it helps, it really does. It was nice for people to have something nice to talk about at his funeral. The only thing that made me uncomfortable was that some people gave us engagement cards at the funeral :-/

Calypso1977

really, everyone is different.  you have to do what is best for YOU that day.  Only you will know what your feelings are and how you will react.

some gals think tehy have to have big displays/shrines to their deceased loved one.  some think you need to leave a symbolic empty seat for your loved one.

for me, my father had passed 10 years prior to my wedding.  i still miss him very much to this day.  i opted to have no references to him that day.  i wore a pair of earrings that he had custom made for me.  i knew he was with me.  i would have been too emotional to deal with seeing pics of him or having his name read at the altar, etc.  if we had had programs, i might have listed him on the back.  but we didnt do those.

vinnyv11

My grandmother died 13 days before my wedding.  We were not very close when I was growing up and drifted even farther apart after my mom passed away when I was 17. I had already planned on having a memorial frame with a picture of my mom in it on the card table and I went ahead with that.  I decided to put a picture of my mom and grandmother in a frame pin I got for my bouquet--however the florist lost the pin--so I put the picture in my bra, right next to my heart and had them with me all day!  I didn't want to do anything public for my grandmother since it was so fresh for my family.

However, my FI's family knew about her passing, and some of his family, including his mom and sister, came to one of her viewings, to be there for me.  Be honest with them, let people support you if you need to, and do what's best for you.  Don't let anyone make you feel like you have to do something or that you can't do something.  Do what you, and your FI and your family are comfortable with.