Wedding Etiquette Forum

Another question about children-Sorry!

FI and I would like a wedding with as few children as possible. I am the youngest of the cousins on my dad's side, and almost all of my cousins have very young children. These are really the children I would prefer not to have. I love them all, but this group includes many babies and toddlers. Also, adding all of these families would add 50 people, and I would prefer not to ask make parents to pay for a huge wedding as it was wonderful enough that they offered to pay. Here's the issue. My mom's side of the family is tiny. She has two brothers who have three children between them. The children are all under thirteen! And I am very close to them. The youngest will be our ring bearer, and he is an exception. The other two are 8 and 11, and I know they would have hurt feelings over being excluded. They are very well behaved, and I don't worry about them at all. The problem is that I know my other cousins will be very upset that the extra two children were invited, but their children were not. My father's side really does not make the distinction between groups of people (first and second cousin, etc.). I have two second cousins that are my age, and I know they would also be upset over not getting invited, but they fall in to the same category as my other cousin's children. If I invite those two second cousins I feel obligated to invite the whole circle. At a cousin's wedding in November one of my first cousin's six year old yelled through the entire ceremony how tired, upset, hungry he was, and kept yelling don't touch me! Two of the under two year olds cried through the entire thing and were either just held or put in the carrier. I love children, and i feel as though the other guests would be more comfortable if there were no screaming children present. So, I would just prefer not to have the little guys there. Would inviting the two older second cousins (my age) and my three younger first cousins be completely terrible if other children were left off? Sorry that's so long!!

Re: Another question about children-Sorry!

  • I wouldn't consider the people who are your age to be children.

    I don't think there is anything wrong with inviting the ring bearers siblings. I think you are right about it causing hurt feelings that they were left out.
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  • Just draw really, really clear lines and stick to them.  "First cousins only."  "Children in the bridal party and their immediate siblings only."  And don't get caught up in explanations.  If people ask why their little Scotty or Suzy wasn't invited while ring-bearer and his brothers were, just go with "Unfortunately we couldn't invite everyone.  Thanks for understanding.  Have you tried this delicious bean dip?"  
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  • Sorry! I should've been more clear. The ring bearer is one uncle's child, and the other two children are my mom's other brother's children. That side of my family is very, very close, though because it's so small. Those two uncles are literally my mom's only relatives. If I say "first cousins only" I have to exclude the older two. They are my first cousin's children.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-question-children-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78e572f4-70d0-4567-9c7c-54b66844f992Post:d96b3777-900e-4d82-9305-1620e663fd83">Re: Another question about children-Sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry! I should've been more clear. The ring bearer is one uncle's child, and the other two children are my mom's other brother's children. That side of my family is very, very close, though because it's so small. Those two uncles are literally my mom's only relatives. If I say "first cousins only" I have to exclude the older two. They are my first cousin's children.
    Posted by wawbrey[/QUOTE]

    <div>Honestly, this makes it much trickier, because now you're not really treating both sides of the family the same way (I get that it's different because mom's side is so much smaller, but I would bet dad's side won't see it that way!)  Is there anyway you could present it as an age cut-off - i.e. these two are both over 8 and the kids on dad's side are all under 8?  That's about the only way I could figure to get away with this without seeming like you're favoring one side of the family.</div>
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  • Oh, and I forgot to say this in my last post, but you could also just say "f--- it" and invite whichever kids you want - that's not really "against the rules" or anything - it just seems from your OP like doing that might create drama for you.
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  • I've considered the age cut off, but I am not sure they will se it as being okay at all. Honestly if I said no one under 16, and I invited my four year old ring bearer I know they are going to be upset. I am really not trying to beat up on them, but they just really don't get etiquette and what not. I know I will get many rsvps for the entire family even though the initiations will only be addressed to parents. I suppose since I feel like this situation will upset them no matter what, I should just go with the age cut off plus the ring bearer. Thank you all for your fast responses! This has really been bothering my FI and I lately.
  • you know your family...and you & your FI need to be comfortable with your decision (as well as your parents since they are paying).

    I know I have several 2nd cousins I am really close to on my mom's side and several 1st cousins I am not close to on my dad's side. I told my parents I was inviting the 2nd cousins on my mom's side that I was close with, but not the 1st cousins on dad's side.  Everyone was comfortable with that. 


  • Can you give the other two kid jobs so they will be part of the WP? That might make a clearer line.
  • Well all the three younger children are my only first cousins on my mom's side (really, my only cousins on her side). I would totally say first cousins only and eliminate this whole mess, but I have two second cousins that are my age (on my dad's side). I am closer to those two than I am some of my first cousins on that side. They do know of each other.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-question-children-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78e572f4-70d0-4567-9c7c-54b66844f992Post:56c720c4-53ad-4982-a6c3-be470118cc12">Re: Another question about children-Sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Another question about children-Sorry! : This isn't a horrible idea but kids don't want jobs anymore then adults do.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    <div>Since they're all boys, maybe they could all be ringbearers?  My friends recently got married, and had like 3 flower girls (all nieces) and 3 ringbearers (all nephews), then restricted the reception to "wedding party only" - this allowed them to exclude a few other nieces/nephews (who they weren't nearly as close to and who are pretty poorly behaved) while keeping hurt feelings to a minimum.</div>
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  • I thought I was in the same situation you were in.  So my FI and I decided to include my niece and nephew as FG and RB, my two younger brothers, my OOT guest two kids, and my cousin as JrBM. We are only have 80 guest and if I had included everyones kids, 26 of the 80 guest would be under 16. So only the children in the WP and from OOT are allowed to attend our wedding. It was so hard to do but both sides of my family agreed. 
  • Honestly it sounds like someone is going to be pissed off no matter who gets excluded so do what you want. That being said it would be easier to find the 2 kids a task (sign-in book attendent, ringbearer, jr. usher, ect) and then say no kids outside of the bridal party. If you can't find a task for those 2 to be fair they unfortunatly probably shouldn't be invited either.
  • I honestly would not feel guilty at all saying the four (soon to be five) year old and eight year old are ring bearers and the eleven year old must be invited because her little brother is in the wedding. These three children are very much like my niece and nephews as I don't have any yet. I don't think the eleven year old would really want a job, though. Probably hanging out with the girls ahead of time would suffice. Thank you, ladies! You've really helped me sort through this!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-question-children-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:78e572f4-70d0-4567-9c7c-54b66844f992Post:a00e2d57-e2ae-4bf2-968a-1aa6dbf9de14">Re: Another question about children-Sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Another question about children-Sorry! : Since they're all boys, maybe they could all be ringbearers?  My friends recently got married, and had like 3 flower girls (all nieces) and 3 ringbearers (all nephews), then restricted the reception to "wedding party only" - this allowed them to exclude a few other nieces/nephews (who they weren't nearly as close to and who are pretty poorly behaved) while keeping hurt feelings to a minimum.
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]



    I like this idea.
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  • edited January 2012
    You can't invite everyone. Either add the kids to the WP or just invite them and not worry about it.
  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2012
    honestly I don't think there's any issue inviting the three kids on your mom's side; if you do a 'first cousins only' rule they make the cut.  No issue; even without giving the other two roles. 

    The problem is that you want to stretch the rule on your dad's side to include the two second cousins you're actually close to.  How badly do you want them there?  is it more that they're friends you happen to be related to?  Frankly it sounds like someone's gonna be pissy regardless of what you do so I'm on the same page as PP in that you should invite who you want and they can get over it.  Honestly though, the two that are your age won't stick out as being out of place b/c they're not kids.  Hopefully you can use the first cousins line and no one would even question it, but if they did you could say "well cousin suzie and I are good friends, she would have been invited even if we weren't related"
  • This is a tough one, make the 8 year old a ring bearer too this way you "have" to invite his older brother. As for the 2 second cousins you are close to how close are you to them? Can you explain your situation & see if they will understand not getting an invitation? I think in this case you are going to offend people no matter what so invite those you are really close to & do not invite those you are not. 50 people is a huge #. I would explain if they ask that unfortunately with a big family you can not invite everyone even if you would like to & leave it at that.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-question-children-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:78e572f4-70d0-4567-9c7c-54b66844f992Post:46611ffe-2364-4171-9d6e-2567b8c730eb">Re: Another question about children-Sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I honestly would not feel guilty at all saying the four (soon to be five) year old and eight year old are ring bearers and the eleven year old must be invited because her little brother is in the wedding. These three children are very much like my niece and nephews as I don't have any yet. I don't think the eleven year old would really want a job, though. Probably hanging out with the girls ahead of time would suffice. Thank you, ladies! You've really helped me sort through this!
    Posted by wawbrey[/QUOTE]

    <div>At 11, she is old enough to be a Jr Bridesmaid.  I think that would be a perectly acceptable role for her, and one she may enjoy (she gets a pretty dress, and gets to walk down the aisle like the other bridesmaids and stand with you.)  With as close as you are to them, no one will question it.</div><div>
    </div><div>As far as your cousins (2nd cousins?) that are close to your age, if you'd like to invite them go ahead- they are adults, so it's not making any different rules as far as children being invited to the wedding.  If you don't want to invite them, don't.  They're simply relatives that are old enough to be invited.  Really, you can invite or not invite whoever you'd like at that point, my sister invited second cousins on both sides but only the ones we're closest to.</div><div>
    </div><div>~Katy</div>
  • If you don't want them as ring bearers or groomsmen, I'd probably ask the older two boys that you want to invite to be ushers.  IMO, it's better than program-passer-outer or guestbook attendant but it would still make them a *part* of the wedding, which bypasses any other age/cousin/children restrictions you may have set for the rest of the family.
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