Should I Be Offended...?

KhaosBabiie

A close friend of mine from high school is getting married this summer & I have been put in a situation where I'm not sure how to respond. Her & I were best friends in high school (we graduated in 2008) and have kept in contact since then. I got an invitation to her Bridal Shower, in which there was a slip that says their wedding will be private. I read on her that it is very bad etiquette to invite someone to the bridal shower but not the wedding. (As to say "Youre not good enough to see me get married, but come & give me money anyway.")

Something that also complicates the situation is that my FH is a member of her family, meaning that he will be invited but that he wont be allowed to have a +1.

I sort of feel like seeing as how I'm not invited to her wedding, that she & her FH shouldn't be invited to mine. & I am honestly considering not going to the bridal shower because I don't feel like I should hand her my hard earned money when I wasn't invited.

Am I wrong to feel this way? Have any of you girls been put in this situation and what did you do? I am completely unsure about how to react... 

kcscejal

I would probably decline the invitation to the shower, but since your FI is family I would invite her and FI to your wedding.  If I wasn't invited to the wedding and FI was he would probably decline the invitation to the wedding.

Ghoti

I don't know about the wedding shower thing, but I wouldn't assume your FI is invited to the wedding (or worry about the +1 thing) until you get the invite. Chances seem good that he's not invited, if its a super intimate wedding, unless he's immediate family which didn't seem to be the case.

And don't play the tit for tat game, if you want them at your wedding, invite them. 

midgetthemighty

If she doesn't invite your FH with a guest knowing that you are in a relationship and she invited you to the shower knowing you wouldn't be invited, she has broken two big etiquette rules. I would find out for sure you were not being invited to the wedding before going to the shower or not.

If you wind up not being invited to the wedding, decline the shower invite.

If you originally wanted them both at your wedding, invite them. Not inviting them because of what they have done is not a good reason.

EDIT: extra word...good job brain

hlq2011

I think you're right in assuming that you won't be invited to the wedding, given the notation that the wedding will be private.  I wouldn't go to a shower when I knew I wasn't invited to the wedding, either.

She's equally wrong in inviting your FI without a plus-one - if she actually is, though.  If it's that "private" it may be immediate family only, and judging by the fact you didn't say it's his sister or something, that may not include him.

Don't not invite them because she's not inviting you, though.  Circumstances differ.

laurenpm

I would probably decline the shower invite, especially because you probably won't enjoy yourself if you aren't happy with her right now.  I've been invited to a shower and not to the wedding and my feelings were a bit hurt (especially since I didn't know until during the shower that I wasn't invited).

I would still invite them to your wedding if you were planning to beforehand.  

achiduck

I was just in a similar situation in which I was invited to the shower but wasn't invited to the wedding b/c my friends FI's family takes up like 75% of the guest list.
I would say don't go to the shower. It's in really poor taste to invite people who aren't invited to the wedding. If they choose to have a "private" wedding then they automatically choose to have a really tiny shower.

Regarind the plus 1 thing, it's crazy that your FI won't be allowed a guest since you guys are engaged. Again, against etiquette/good sense. Wait until (and if) the wedding invite shows up and see what it says. You can always write your name in (kidding.. kind of).

I wouldn't get into the "you didn't invite me so I'm not going to invite you game" though. Be the bigger person.

LessThanZero

I can never understand why people need to ask whether or not they should be offended or not. You either are or you aren't.

OP, you don't know for sure that your FI won't be able to have you as a guest or not. If you want to go to the shower and give a gift to your friend 'just because', then go for it. If you'd rather decline because there's a possibility of not being invited to the wedding, then that's fine too.

Frankly, it is rude to invite someone to a shower and not to the wedding. But if I had a good friend (and soon to be family member) who was having a small, private wedding, yet invited me to the shower I think I would be disappointed but still feel happy to attend the shower and give a nice gift to a friend. But that's me.

achiduck

Oh, and Laurenpm you have the cutest puppy EVAR!!!  WHat kind of dog is it?

Sorry to thread-jack.

jessicabessica

I woiuld politely decline the shower invitation, and invite her (and her H) to your wedding if you were planning to do so. 

laurenpm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-offended?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7a993b5b-de38-4a77-b2ec-015c5ecd856fPost:52b45291-692f-4717-934d-009c0497ade8">Re: Should I Be Offended...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, and Laurenpm you have the cutest puppy EVAR!!!  WHat kind of dog is it? Sorry to thread-jack.
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks :) She's a lab/beagle/red heeler mix....basically she's a mutt. haha </div>

ajroark

This is tough...I think you should decline the shower invitation since you don't seem to want to go (and yes, it does seem like a money grab for her to invite you IMHO).

As for whether or not to invite her to your wedding, I'm not sure; I would go with your gut on this one. I have a similar situation going on - one of my closest friends from high school is getting married a month before me. I just found out from some mutual friends that they were invited and I was not. I was pretty hurt, especially since I was going to invite her to my wedding. Now, I'm not so sure since our friendship doesn't seem valued to her.

noodle_oo

Don't go to the shower.

Dont' worry about her wedding.  If your DH gets invited without you, that's pretty rude and I'd assume he woudlnt' go.

Invite her to your wedding your wedding.  Sounds like you were planning on it and she's family.  Be the bigger person.

allyson+williams

I would decline the shower invitation because it is in poor taste to invite you to a shower when you are not invited to the wedding.  I agree with PP who said that you should invite her to your wedding if you want her there...it would be silly to cut her out if her presence would be important to you. 

nurse.misty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-offended?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7a993b5b-de38-4a77-b2ec-015c5ecd856fPost:f6b85969-786d-4eb3-8d1c-25c76bd1afd1">Re: Should I Be Offended...?</a>:
[QUOTE]I can never understand why people need to ask whether or not they should be offended or not. You either are or you aren't.
Posted by LessThanZero[/QUOTE]

I think this every time I see that question as well. I don't get it.

OP, other posters alredy covered it. Do you know for sure you aren't invited to the wedding? Do you know for sure the FH is? It sounds like you don't want to go to the shower, so don't go. It is rude of her to invite you to the shower if she knows you aren't invited to the wedding, but what's done is done. It's up to you if you'd still like to attend or not. Also, I wouldn't not invite somebody to my wedding just because I wasn't invited to theirs. If you originally wanted them there, keep them on the guest list. Not inviting them just because they didn't invite you seems petty to me.

Best wishes in whatever you decide.

KhaosBabiie

My FH (were not engaged, but are quietly gathering wedding ideas) is her cousin. Him and I have been together for almost a year and a half & are partly together due to her encouragement. Her fiance is kinda weird ( doesn't like people...at all. & wanted to do a courthouse wedding.) They have a 6 month old son, but are planning a wedding in like 2 months. It kind of confuses my why they're rushing getting married, if the baby is already here. 

Alot of mine & her mutual friends will be invited, but I don't see it being a FANTASTIC time like I hope my bridal shower will be. The shower invitation says where they're registered, but they're not moving out on their own- she's moving in with him & his elderly grandmother. I'm a college student, already struggling with money as is & am unsure I'll be able to afford anything for them. 

I was going to have her be a bm in my wedding, but decided against that a while back. I will probably invite them, but am doubting that they come- due to her FHs lack of social skills. 

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-offended?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7a993b5b-de38-4a77-b2ec-015c5ecd856fPost:c1a652d8-06a0-4a90-b1d6-67b728c1372c">Re: Should I Be Offended...?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FH (were not engaged, but are quietly gathering wedding ideas) is her cousin. Him and I have been together for almost a year and a half & are partly together due to her encouragement. Her fiance is kinda weird ( doesn't like people...at all. & wanted to do a courthouse wedding.) They have a 6 month old son, but are planning a wedding in like 2 months. It kind of confuses my why they're rushing getting married, if the baby is already here.  Alot of mine & her mutual friends will be invited, but I don't see it being a FANTASTIC time like I hope my bridal shower will be. The shower invitation says where they're registered, but they're not moving out on their own- she's moving in with him & his elderly grandmother. I'm a college student, already struggling with money as is & am unsure I'll be able to afford anything for them.  I was going to have her be a bm in my wedding, but decided against that a while back. I will probably invite them, but am doubting that they come- due to her FHs lack of social skills. 
Posted by KhaosBabiie[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ok, first, you sound really judgmental. You have a boyfriend, not a "future husband". She has a FH, as they are engaged.  Why does it matter when they decide to get married? Whats wrong with planning a wedding in 2 months?  Whats wrong with a courthouse wedding? So what if she's moving in with him and his elderly grandma? You really shouldn't go to a shower empty-handed. 

</div>

Birdie1483

Ghoti, I agree with you all on parts except the future husband part. I considered FI my future husband before he was "officially" my fiance.

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-offended?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7a993b5b-de38-4a77-b2ec-015c5ecd856fPost:e42be9a3-4bd2-4800-b23c-9be32534abc6">Re: Should I Be Offended...?</a>:
[QUOTE]I get what you're both saying Birdie & Ghoti.  But whether she's officially engaged or not, they've been together long enough to be considered a social unit.  I would personally decline the shower invite, invite them to your wedding, and if my FI/BF (whatever) was invited to the wedding and I wasn't?  I wouldn't go and neither would my FI/BF.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]
Noone has been invited to the wedding yet, she's assuming her boyfriend would be invited and she wouldn't. It could very well be that the shower invite was generic, and the bride fully plans on inviting both, or neither. <div>
</div><div>And I agree Birdie, I was just peeved at the rest of her post so I threw that in there <span style="font-size:10px;" class="Apple-style-span"><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-innocent.gif" border="0" alt="Innocent" title="Innocent" /></span></div>

KhaosBabiie

I didn't even know it was possible to plan a wedding in two months. I think he fells obligated to go, I don't think there will be a reception or anything (We haven't talked about if he wants to or not) All her choices are her choices, not mine. Her and I went through a short phase where we didn't talk very much, because I always like she was mad a me or holding an invisible grudge, so I just removed myself from the situation. 

We have been considered a social unit pretty much since we started dating, I have been part of their (FH/Friends) family dynamic since high school. But ever since her started dating her fiance, it seems like I've been immediately been counted out. 

A few of her friends/ family members (me & FH included!) feel like he is gradually taking her away from everyone, and that eventually they will fall off the face of the earth. & the people that love her won't get to see her or the baby anymore only because he doesn't like being social. 

KhaosBabiie

& I've been verbally told that it will be family only. 

There are no secrets in that family & information spreads like wildfire.