Grandparents and wedding

Night_Sprite

My dad's mom is 88.  She is not well and has probably had a few mini strokes in the last new months in addition to her previous dementia.  Family is starting to anticipate she couldn't handle the 1.5 hour trip to come to the wedding.  For people who had grandparents actively unwell or die (God forbid) soon before the wedding, how did you deal with it? 

vallyhoo

My maternal grandmother died on March 22 of this year, which isn't technically SOON before the wedding but by the time our wedding comes (March 13) it will be less than a year since her death.

It has been very difficult but we have had our time to grieve and don't plan on making any overt gestures to remind guests of her passing on the day of our wedding. She will be on my mind so that will be difficult enough.

danieliza1127

My H's grandma was in really bad shape while we were wedding planning.  We didn't send her a save the date card and figured we would just send her an invitation if she was still alive when they were mailed out.  She ended up passing away and so it wasn't an issue.

I would ask your Dad what he thinks you should do.  It couldn't hurt to send the invitation to her, but it will be up to whoever takes care of her to decide whether she can or should travel and attend the wedding. 

ButtonsPepper

My grandfather just turned 89 this past weekend. He got the invite and told my mom it was just too much. We don't really plan on doing anything, other then having him in our program, and mentioned at the reception as giving warm regards to us.

danieliza1127

Oh and we didn't put anything about his grandma in the program, or anyone that had passed, because my H didn't want to.  I left it up to him since it was his family/grandma. 

jamm2019

That is so sad...I am sorry...I have no advice for you.

ButtonsPepper

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grandparents-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ac33a5d-8f17-4adb-9bd6-cdfea9ca28c5Post:3b84c42f-2bd6-4c9d-9c3d-233028159bf6">Re: Grandparents and wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh and we didn't put anything about his grandma in the program, or anyone that had passed, because my H didn't want to.  I left it up to him since it was his family/grandma. 
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]
To add, I agree with this. We won't put him in the program if he passes, and we aren't putting anyone else in the program that has recently passed (aunts on both sides).We purchased a candle from etsy, it will be going next to the guest book at the reception. This is what it says on it: Those we love we never lose, not present in the flesh, but present in the spirit, A flame burns to remember them,Treasured always in,Loving Memory.

<a href="http://www.etsy.com/view_transaction.php?transaction_id=21218866" rel="nofollow">http://www.etsy.com/view_transaction.php?transaction_id=21218866</a>

I thought it was a nice way to remember those that have passed without it being in your face.

Night_Sprite

We sent her the physical invitation with a picture.  We did just the actual invite, no additional stuff.  Essentially it'll be a wait and see thing if she comes. 

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grandparents-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ac33a5d-8f17-4adb-9bd6-cdfea9ca28c5Post:938f3139-569b-4f41-ad12-ee06b4c8e2ec">Re: Grandparents and wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]We sent her the physical invitation with a picture.  We did just the actual invite, no additional stuff.  Essentially it'll be a wait and see thing if she comes. 
Posted by Night_Sprite[/QUOTE]

That's pretty much all you can do then. 

squirrly

Our wedding day will actually be the one year anniversary of my grandfather's funeral.  (We had already set the date before he passed away.)  I think you've done all you can, and now you just wait. 

If you're not leaving immediately for your honeymoon, you might see if you could make the drive to see her the following day.  Or, you could see about live streaming your wedding for her so that she can watch.  Maybe see if family could take her a piece of cake, a favor, and a program, if you're not able to visit & do so yourself.

lilgina64

Maybe you could honor her at the wedding by having her in the program and her wedding picture up at the reception? Ask her if she wouldn't mind writing you a note of what she would say to you if she could attend and put that beside her picture? too creepy?

Night_Sprite

She doesn't really know who I am most of the time.

wadingmoose

I avoided it.  Part of the reason the wedding was up in the air last year was my grandfather's health at one point.  I didn't want to be dealing with that and the wedding at the same time.  That said, we knew his health was declining for a long time and we knew it was coming.

In the end, I had almost a year between his funeral and my wedding so neither was a distraction to the other.

ac_in_dc

My grandma actually RSVP'ed yes to the wedding and then couldn't come at the last minute because of her health. It totally bummed me out.

I wound up wearing a cameo ring that belonged to her (my sister gave it to me the morning of the wedding) and one of my sisters got up to see her a week later and had already assembled a small photo album. It was awesome, because she passed away three weeks after the wedding.

I don't think you have to do anything showy or public to acknowledge her absence.But do let both her and your dad know that you'll miss her.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

FI's grandmother is 99. She'll be almost 100 by the wedding. I met her last month and have NO doubt she will still be alive at the time of our wedding! Man, she is fiesty. However, she lives a plane ride away and won't be able to make it (she lives in an assisted living facility now).

FI grew up in a different state from his grandparents, so he isn't particularly close to her. We will of course send her an invitation and perhaps a frame picture afterwards (though her sight is going). If you are close to her, it would be nice to visit after the wedding, maybe bring her your bouquet or a bouquet/corsage made for her, and pictures. Some people list grandparents in the program, but since FI's grandma is the only living grandparent either of us has, we probably won't.

klovesd

We were in a very similar situation. There was no way my great-grandmother could handle the 2 hour drive, sit at a reception, stay at a hotel and be comfortable, then make the 2 hour drive back home. We sent her an invitation (which she loved), and then sent some photos of us from the wedding. 

*BeachBride0410*

I lost my grandmother in July of this year, getting married April 2010.  It has been very difficult thinking about her not being at the wedding.  Her death was a complete shock.....

I have yet to decide how I will honor her, I don't want to go overboard because I think it will upset not only me but my family.  But I also want to honor her just enough.  I will be wearing a pair of her earrings and a bracelet. 

I think its something you and your dad should figure out together what would be the right way to honor her.

wadingmoose

Oh.  I also did nothing at my wedding to honor my grandparents.  That isn't what the day is about and considering it completely harshed my mellow.

Loopyseven

My grandmother is not well.  My cousin had something in their program about those who were unable to attend (our grandma, and one of his wife's family members who is overseas) and another thing about those "with us in spirit" for the deceased grandparents.

SarahPLiz

My maternal grandmother will most likely pass away before my wedding, and my grandfather is in no shape to travel now. I imagine he won't want to come a year from now. My aunt, however, has offerred to escort him.

We are sending the STD to him and Gma, but the invitation will only be to him, should she pass in the meantime. We may list them in the program along with FI's grandparents and my paternal grandparents, even though all of them are long since deceased. We havent gotten that far yet, and Im debating having a program at all, so that might not be much help.

I think my Gpa knows that if he can't come, I will understand. I don't want him to risk his health for my party. We will probably visit with him after the wedding, when we have money to travel again.

JaimeeP

Your Grandmother would probably enjoy looking at your wedding album with you after the wedding. You could set aside some time for her and maybe even bring her a small decorated cake, if she enjoys sweets.
Demented people are easily fatigued and get confused when their routines are disrupted. It's nice that you have her best interest at heart. Just enjoy your day and know that you have made the right decision for her.

Goldlie11

My grandma is in her 90s.  I don't think she will be able to make the trip for my wedding.  I'll make sure to send her an invite.  I'll also send her some engagement photos after I take them.