Torn.

bellasmomma716

My fiancee and I got engaged in July. Within the first few days, we had our date set for August 3rd, 2013. We have to work around my brother's wedding the same summer (in June) and several birthdays (and quite frankly my FI is big into hunting, so also hunting season lol) so this was one of the very few weekends all summer that would work for us. I immediately started planning and as of right now have paid my deposit for photography and catering for that day.

Around the beginning of August this year, my FI's cousin "Samantha" got engaged. When her mom was talking to his dad about dates, she mentioned that Samantha was looking at August 3rd, 2013. We informed his dad that we had already chosen that date and things were already in motion for us for that date and he informed Samantha's mom. Me, thinking that that would be suffice reason for Samantha to choose another day, went about my business.

Last night we were talking wedding with my FI's other cousins "Autumn" and "Shelly" (cousins to both my FI and Samantha) as they just had their weddings this year and last year and had a lot of supplies we could use. They happened to mention that if we wanted to borrow their stand alone tent that we needed to speak up now since Samantha is having her wedding the same day.

So here is when I come to you all out there in Knottie land:

I see how hurt my FI is about this. He's not close with Samantha but they are in the same family so depending on what time her festivities are, his side of the family will have to choose which wedding to go to. From the sounds of it, the part of the family that would for sure be at Samantha's wedding, he doesn't really like anyways for the most part but the grandma will have to choose. And even if Samantha does do it early in the day (our ceremony starts at 4), the towns where the weddings will be are 2 hours apart. That's gonna make for a LLLOOONNNGGG day for anyone trying to do both. Autumn and Shelly have made it clear that they with their husbands and their parents will be at our wedding and since my FI's brothers are part of our wedding party, they will for sure be at ours. It's quite literally splitting his dad's side of the family down the middle, save for Grandma that will have to choose (she is closer to Samantha so we're pretty sure which one she'd go with if she couldn't do both).

I've thought about having my FI sending Samantha an email but with how heated he is, I'm afraid things would be said that could just cause more issues. So I am torn between emailing her myself, bride to bride so to speak, explaining that we already have deposits down, we would love to attend her wedding but can't if its on the same day, this could cause a real headache for guests that would like to be at both, etc etc and that if it is at all possible, if she could do another day. OR should I just say nothing? I mean she did know this was our date when she chose it so maybe she doesn't care?

J&K10910

I wouldn't bother.  She knew, and she chose it anyway.  Maybe it's the date that worked best for them and their VIPs.  It sounds like it really, truly, only affects one person (grandma), so I'd let it go.

And maybe they won't end up being able to get that date.  If they don't already have deposits down, they might not be able to get that date anyway.

KellyBrian2013

Has Samantha already put money down for a venue or other vendors?

If so, there isn't much you can do. E-mailing her at this point will accomplish nothing, even though it was pretty crappy of her to choose the same date.

If you'd like, get your Save the Dates out (to people you know for absolute certain will be invited) somewhat early so that shared guests have your information first.

sarabellam

Don't say anything. Perhaps she, too, has her reasons that this is about the only day that will work for her and her FI.

KBSK12

I would wait it out.  DH and I changed dates about 4 times before anything was final, ranging between the months of May to October.  She could change her mind, or not be able to get that date.  It sucks that she chose your date, but I ditto PP in that it sounds like it really only seriously affects grandma. 

bellasmomma716

I'm not sure if she has any deposits down which if she does I wouldn't ask her to change of course. Autumn and Shelly do have mutual communication so I could find out through them if I needed to. It really just breaks my heart to see my FI so saddened and hurt by this but I would never want to go Bridezilla on her and cause more problems, that won't solve anything. So maybe I just send out the save the dates early (I was planning on around January 1st before) but how early is too early?

OliveOilsMom

I would not be talking to FI's cousin.  As PP said, it sucks that she picked your date, but she knew about it and went ahead anyway.  How does FFIL feel about this in addition to your FI?  Either way, it is their family and their issue to deal with if they decide to say anything.  Just wondering if Autumn or Shelly have said why the other cousin chose this date?

As for STDs, they go out 6-9 months in advance.  So I would send yours out late October/early November.  It's a little earlier than usual, but your situation is a little unusual!

Stackeye210

Don't plan what you do around this girls wedding.  It's not worth the hassle or the headache.  If you plan on sending out your STD's in January, then send them in January.  They chose August 3rd because that's the date they wanted and you chose August 3rd b/c that's the date you wanted.  Anyone invited to both weddings will choose accordingly.  They're adults, it's their right to choose or to not come. 

You said yourself that the majority of the declines from this are going to be people you didn't want come anyhow, so I'd move on.  The cousin obviously doesn't care and she and your FI aren't close.  It's not worth the family drama, if you and FI are the only ones bothered than you need to be the one to move the date. 

Kate61487

rule of thumb on save the dates is 6-9 months but I've seen up to a year.  If you're positive about your date (you mention photography and caterer, but not venue - definitely book that before you send anything) you could go ahead and send them any time now since you're less than a year out. 

bellasmomma716

No one has said why she chose that date only that she has. FFIL has hinted to the fact of possibly trying to go to both which of course upsets FI (I think that is upsetting him the MOST). I do already have my STD postcards picked out and we just had our engagement photos done on Wednesday so as soon as I have those, I can order my postcards and send them out. Quite frankly if it weren't for my FI being upset, I really wouldn't care whether they come or not. We wanted a small wedding but due to wanting to include all the family, small wedding went out the window. So I guess if anything, this just helps trim the guest list for us.

bellasmomma716

Venue is well taken care of and no need for reservation - having it at my parents' farm. So if we didn't have the other deposits and arrangements in the works, we could have switched it. I think my FI is worried that the family he really wants to be there, won't be or would be coming after the ceremony or something if they tried to do both. I think he feels a bit disrespected like Samantha is just tryinig to snub him. I told him I would hope she didn't do it on purpose and that this was just an oversight or that this was the only possible date for her.

bellasmomma716

@stagemanager - I was merely answering OliveOilsMom regarding the why.

Loopyseven

In Response to Re:Torn.:[QUOTE]I wouldn't bother.nbsp; She knew, and she chose it anyway.nbsp; Maybe it's the date that worked best for them and their VIPs.nbsp; It sounds like it really, truly, only affects one person grandma, so I'd let it go.And maybe they won't end up being able to get that date.nbsp; If they don't already have deposits down, they might not be able to get that date anyway. Posted by JK10910[/QUOTE]
This. You mentioned your date so she knew what she was doing when she went ahead with her date. It is unlikely that anything you or your FI say or do will change her plans so it's not worth raising trouble. Get your STD's out a little early and enjoy your day with anyone who attends.

bellasmomma716

Thanks guys. It really helps to get some positive feedback in this situation. I know we are still going to have a blast on OUR day ;-) and the ones that we truly love and truly love us will be there with us celebrating.

StephJean83

My FH and I were invited to THREE weddings on the same day(one in Vegas, one in Missouri and one in Iowa) and we knew about the Vegas and Missouri weddings before the Iowa wedding. My FH was in Iowa for a Fraternity event after we had STDs for 2 of the weddings and the groom for the Iowa wedding was like, "getting married in August, save the date, I will email for your address." It was hard for us to chose what wedding we went to and which two we'd miss. Finances and work played the biggest decision for us, it was by far cheaper to drive to Iowa and stay one night in a hotel vs flying to Missouri or Vegas and staying multiple nights in hotels.

If I was in your shoes, I would have your FI talk to your FFIL and have him explain why he wants him at his wedding vs trying to do both. If her wedding was earlier and he figured he could do both but he gets caught in traffic, was going to his niece's wedding worth missing his son's wedding? If having Grandma at his wedding is really important, maybe talk to a different family member, like an aunt/uncle/cousin and see if the times would work out(maybe Samantha's wedding will be at 1pm) if they would be able to go both weddings and bring Grandma with them from her wedding to your wedding. That way your FFIL wouldn't be missing his sons wedding if he got stuck in traffic.

lcatterton

I'm probably going to be alone in this thinking, but I'd be livid!!!! I'd never want to make my family members choose who's wedding they get to witness. Even if you aren't super close to the cousin, if they've already designated their day and have been planning things for that day, it's really rude to say "Well, I don't really care, that's going to be my wedding day too!"

I see your point, Stage, that sometimes there is no choice in the matter. IF that were the case, then, maybe I'd be okay with it. However, I do not think that this Samantha did everything in her power to avoid picking the same date. Granted, I can't say for sure, but just from the vibe of how OP is describing it, it seemed like the cousin really did not care at all.

I'd give that girl a piece of my mind. And, FWIW, I'd probably cry for hours if my grandmother was ever put in this position. How horrible.. That's just me though.


EDIT: OP, I'm guessing she'll make it an even messier situation and have an evening wedding like so many of us do. I'm really interested to see where this goes. You should definitely keep us up to date on how things work out for you.

jessicabessica

I get why your FI is upset.  I would be really upset if my grandma was going to skip my wedding to attend another cousin's wedding, I get it.  It seems like the cousin knew the date was the same and didn't care.  Talking to her isn't going to do anything. 

You said you are working around several birthdays, your brother's wedding, and hunting season.  I understand that you want to be careful with your brother's wedding and make sure that it's not too much on guests that have to travel if they want to attend both.  I don't see what the big deal is with birthdays--are they major bdays (like someone's 50th birthday party)?  The birthday person should understand if you end up having your wedding on or around their birthday.  As for hunting season, unless you guys are subsistence hunters, is your FI unable to hunt a little less that season so that you can conisder dates in hunting season?  You could always postpone your HM if that's a concern. 

Many photographers and vendors will allow you to move your date, as long as you are still using them.  If it's really important to you and your FI, I would look into changing the date, although I would want to confirm with the cousin that they are deposits-down set on Aug 3rd.  Good luck!

zantster

I've got a few thoughts from different angles so bear with me.  If the venue is not an issue then if only for the grandmother's sake have you actually checked with the food and photography folks to see what other open dates they have?  You haven't actually ordered the postcards with the date yet and mailed them, so I'm wondering how set in stone your date actually is?  If the date is pretty arbitrary then if I were you I would talk with the vendors you have deposits with and your FI to see what your options are for changing your date before throwing in the towel.  You may be surprised at what other date your vendors could accommodate you.

But if you are determined to stick with that date regardless of other possible options, or if you find there is no wiggle room on other dates with your vendors, then I don't see anything wrong with emailing the cousin and taking a completely nonchalant attitude about it if it's ok with your FI.  Just tell her that you heard through the grapevine that you two are date twins and since you have nonrefundable deposits down already you'd like to work with her to make sure that if at all possible as many family members as possible can come to both.  Suggest maybe sharing the planned itineraries as they take shape but just be really nice about it.  You catch more bees with honey.  Then sit back and see how she responds. 

You will be seen as the one holding out the olive branch of peace and being the bigger person.  This way you can also get more info and communicate to her in an indirect, non-hostile way that you have deposits down so she can think about that.  Plus you'll know just how much she knew already since all you've heard about what she knows is through third parties.  And if she rebuffs your approach or acts uninterested then you can say okay I just wanted to do whatever's easiest for the family and then let it go and have a great day no matter what.

lcatterton

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_torn-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ca7896b-466c-4180-b59e-c9025f6e9e84Post:ef7241c7-45f9-490f-9721-372e870101d0">Re: Torn.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Torn. : I just don't see what good that would do. Starting drama in your FI's family is never going to work out well for you. The OP will just wind up looking like a brat and a hothead. 
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

You're right. I'd only have unkind words for her if she were MY cousin, but I would never cause drama for my FI. Still, this would irk me.

BostonGIrl4732

I don't get why Samantha couldn't at least call OP's FI and explain why her wedding HAD to be the same day.  Something like "Hey cousin!  I just wanted to give you the heads up that we had to set the same day as you because there was no other weekend that would work for us.  I'm bummed I'm going to be missing your wedding!"  I think that would have gone a long way.

I think in the end, you send your invites and hope for the best.

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_torn-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7ca7896b-466c-4180-b59e-c9025f6e9e84Post:c2ae4d98-e0b5-476c-89ff-3ecc67b421f1">Re: Torn.</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't get why Samantha couldn't at least call OP's FI and explain why her wedding HAD to be the same day.  Something like "Hey cousin!  I just wanted to give you the heads up that we had to set the same day as you because there was no other weekend that would work for us.  I'm bummed I'm going to be missing your wedding!"  I think that would have gone a long way. I think in the end, you send your invites and hope for the best.
Posted by BostonGIrl4732[/QUOTE]

Lol.  That would have been the logical and rational thing for the cousin to do.  I'm far from perfect either.  But it took me a long time to realize that everyone doesn't connect the dots and at least attempt to handle situations in logical and rational ways.

[Deleted User]

The OP said that her FIs dad was talking to Samantha's mom when the date conflict was brought up. Do you know for sure that information got passed on to Samantha? Our original date was going to be Oct. 20. Due to venue availability we moved it to the 6th. It wasn't until we moved our date that we found out FIs cousin is graduating from chiropractic school on our original date! Everyone swore they had told us but no one had. Maybe Samantha truly didn't know you had chosen that date when she decided on it.