Trying to not allow +1s? help!

momma510

We have at least 50 single family members and single friends...i'm not worried about anyone feeling out of place alone, because the group of friends probably wouldn't bring anyone anyway, and our family members are all close enough to not feel awkward as well. We're trying to keep the guest list under 200 (per building limitations). We've already cut the list down to about 220 from 300+, as we both have large families. Right now we're at least $40 a person, and we could end up with at least 50 people brought as dates. Thats $2000 we could use to pay for a dj or photographer! 

My issue is, how do I would the invitations/response cards so that it's clear we aren't inviting "extras"? Obviously, I don't want to be rude about it, and I know it isn't proper etiquette, but we're paying for this ourselves, and are trying our best to stick to the budget. TIA!

HockeyFan4

First you cannot invite more than your limit.  If that is 200, don't invite more than 198 (unless vendors are included in the count, then it needs to be even less).  You need to plan on 100% attendance.

As far as the invites, just address them to the person.  ie.  Mr. Joe Doe
If someone responds with more than themselves, you contact them and politely let them know the invitation was just for them and due to budget/space constraints you cannot allow extra guests.

Now not to burst your bubble, but if someone is in a relationship when the invites go out, they needed to be invited with their significant other, so you need to plan that these people may be in a relationship then.  You need to really cut down your guestlist, or find a new venue.

crash2729

You could write the RSVP cards to include the persons name, or X seats are reserved in your honor. 

People will probably still write people in. Just call them and say "Sorry, the invitation was just for you ms.Jane Doe I hope you can still attend."

Loopyseven

Just address the invitation to the person invited.  You can put "X spaces have been reserved in your honor (where X = the number).  Or you can personalize the RSVP cards

Joe Smith ___ Fish   ___ Chicken ___ declines

Jane Smith ____ Fish  ___ Chicken ___ declines

which is more work, but very clear.  If you have any write ins, you call the person who was invited and tell them you're sorry for the misunderstanding, but the invitation was only for so and so and you hope they can still make it.  

And yes, if any of those 50 people get into relationships between now and when your invitations go out they need to be invited with their SO, so you need to have room in your list to accommodate for that.

violet355

adults don't need dates, unless they're already dating someone.

i would suggest that you casually mention that singles aren't getting plus ones, like i did with my friends.  i didn't bring it up, but if they did then i let them know so they wouldn't be disappointed.

just don't forget to remind them there will be other singles there too!

SB1512

Agree with everyone else, keep in mind that some of your current singles may enter in a relationship prior to your wedding, and you must invite their SO if they consider themselves in a relationship.   I think (but am not 100% sure this is correct) that the only real exception to not inviting an SO is if one of your guests were to enter into a relationship after invites have gone out.  So if lets say cousin jane calls you up two weeks before the wedding to ask about bringing her brand new boyfriend technically you don't have to invite him.  It would be nice if you did, but if you really anticipate space being a limiting factor you can say no and it wouldn't be considered rude.   You could also tell cousin Jane that you will get back to her once RSPV's come in and you have a better idea if you will have the room for her new boyfriend.

jlunger

A cousin of mine just got married and unless you were married she didnt invite who you were dating.  For example the guy i was dating then and now engaged to was not welcomed.  This was a big turn off for many people and I know may didnt go because of it.  I suggest cutting the guest list or a new venue.

tmwishful

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-not-allow-1s-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cc35f6b-9e62-43d1-ad01-d93edc4266b4Post:82e05357-2174-40e5-bb2c-9b5f93dae1ab">Re: Trying to not allow +1s? help!</a>:
[QUOTE]  <strong> And yes, if any of those 50 people get into relationships between now and when your invitations go out they need to be invited with their SO, so you need to have room in your list to accommodate for that.</strong>
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't know about that.  OP can't help if she invites someone today who is single now and starts dating someone next week.   The old inviting the flavor of the month arguement.  I'm against it.  Even if they've been dating someone for 3 weeks when the invitations go out, I don't think that counts as a real couple. </div>

wrigleyville

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-not-allow-1s-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cc35f6b-9e62-43d1-ad01-d93edc4266b4Post:561794a8-418e-4060-bcd1-edca7bd61bf1">Re: Trying to not allow +1s? help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Trying to not allow +1s? help! : I don't know about that.  OP can't help if she invites someone today who is single now and starts dating someone next week.   The old inviting the flavor of the month arguement.  I'm against it.  <strong>Even if they've been dating someone for 3 weeks when the invitations go out, I don't think that counts as a real couple. </strong>
Posted by tmwishful[/QUOTE]

FI and I had been dating for three weeks when he gave me a ring and told me he planned to propose to me someday. Don't be so judgy.

You never know if someone's "flavor of the month" is going to end up as their husband someday.

cadamus

My friend is getting married this weekend and she didnt let any extras. (my fi isnt even invited) On the response card it said something like 1 seat will be reserved for you. and then it was like check if you can make it or if you can't

tmwishful

Wrigley, should the bride check back with everyone each week to see if they're still single?

SJM76

We are not automatically inviting 1+.  Our venue simply limits us to a certain amount.  Our rule has been:  if you are married, in a serious relationship, living together, we've heard of this person, they didn't just pop out of thin air, etc. that is how we are deciding.  Most times, the 1+ in other circumstances won't know people, etc or isnt really excited about being there.  Those are our general guidelines.  Sometimes there may be an exception, but for the most part, that is how we are deciding on how to address invitations.  We are having a wedding of only 150 guests or so, but our venue is not cheap, and therefore we have also stuck to this rule becuase I am not paying $90/per person for someone to just show up and be a last minute date.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-not-allow-1s-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cc35f6b-9e62-43d1-ad01-d93edc4266b4Post:561794a8-418e-4060-bcd1-edca7bd61bf1">Re: Trying to not allow +1s? help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Trying to not allow +1s? help! : I don't know about that.  OP can't help if she invites someone today who is single now and starts dating someone next week.   The old inviting the flavor of the month arguement.  I'm against it.  Even if they've been dating someone for 3 weeks when the invitations go out, <strong>I don't think that counts as a real couple. </strong>
Posted by tmwishful[/QUOTE]

<div>Well it's not really up to you to decide who is a real couple or not.  Your wedding is not the appropriate time to pass judgements on other people's relationships.</div><div>
</div><div>Etiquette-wise, anyone who considers themselves in a relationship, no matter the duration, by the time invites go out (6-8 weeks before the wedding) should be invited with their SO.  If you choose not to invite newer couples, you do so at your own 'peril' (ie, risk of offending people).  As PP mentioned, some people are actually very serious very quickly, which is why it's not appropriate to judge people's relationships based solely on time.</div>

SJM76

The other thing you can do is address the invitation to your friend, family, etc, and instead of writing "and guest"  write specific persons name.  This avoids having to determine whether or not they are either coming with that person or coming alone, vs coming with that person and possibly another someone else. AND it keeps you from passing judgement on an individuals relationships.

I.e. sarah and joe vs sarah and guest...If sarah doesnt bring joe, then she should only reply #1 attending.  If you say sarah and guest, it may be up in the air until the day before or even the day of the wedding.  This also helps keep a more accurate count for you to give to your vendor or caterer.

tmwishful

Not judging.  Just saying it's not up to the bride to monitor everyone's single status.  This came from the moderator and IMO is poor advice:

And yes, if any of those 50 people get into relationships between now and when your invitations go out they need to be invited with their SO, so you need to have room in your list to accommodate for that.

Status should be as of when the invitations go out and she shouldn't have to worry about what happens between then and the big day.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-not-allow-1s-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cc35f6b-9e62-43d1-ad01-d93edc4266b4Post:5677a854-46c3-4218-8ae6-b70a920dc51d">Re: Trying to not allow +1s? help!</a>:
[QUOTE]My friend is getting married this weekend and she didnt let any extras. (my fi isnt even invited) On the response card it said something like 1 seat will be reserved for you. and then it was like check if you can make it or if you can't
Posted by cadamus[/QUOTE]

Wow. I hope you're not going.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-to-not-allow-1s-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cc35f6b-9e62-43d1-ad01-d93edc4266b4Post:32834d3c-2234-4bf6-b9fb-5df53bbd63b1">Re: Trying to not allow +1s? help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Not judging.  Just saying it's not up to the bride to monitor everyone's single status.  This came from the moderator and IMO is poor advice: And yes, if any of those 50 people get into relationships between now and when your invitations go out they need to be invited with their SO, so you need to have room in your list to accommodate for that. Status should be as of when the invitations go out and she shouldn't have to worry about what happens between then and the big day.
Posted by tmwishful[/QUOTE]

That's what she said. Between NOW, as in today, and when the invitations go out.

If someone starts dating someone 6 weeks before your wedding, it would be nice to allow that person to come. But that's a courtesy, since that person would have had no way of being invited in the first place.