Have you (or anyone you know that) eloped?

magnamarta

Typical subject, but I want the real answers...

(I don't think this really applied to P&E, but it's a popular board)

Have you or do you know anyone that has truly eloped? ("elope" [to me] = Not informed the parental units/friends/family) 

Have you/they regretted it? (as in wished they had a "typical" wedding)

Was your/their family upset? 

Did you/they get "engaged" prior to said elopement? ("engaged" [to me]= "will you marry me", "yes", ring on finger, announce to family/friends that your engaged)

Background...

My boyfriend of 4 years (not fiance as there hasn't been the proper "engagement" [see above]) are going on a vacation to Turks & Caicos. We are considering splurging the $2,000 of eloping vs. the $20,000+ of a wedding and then later having a party (not reception) to announce and celebrate the fact that we're married, showing the video and pics of said elopement. It's not only about the cost of a wedding (neither of us like to be the center of attention and we have family overseas that wouldn't be able to come). However, I have a hard time grasping the concept of one night equaling $20,000+. My major reservations about eloping are that my family would be upset that they weren't there (though I set out some feelers and it seems as though it'd be ok, though I'm not sure about my father) and that I would regret not having a "real" wedding.

Aaaaaaand, go!

magnamarta

Awesome feedback! Thanks, ladies.

Katy - I too am interested as to how they told people. That part, I feel, would be difficult as my parents and many friends live a few hours away, so we wouldn't be able to necessarily tell them in person after we land. 

All those stories are so cute! (Esp CMG's grandmother) Steph, I do agree that eloping does sound rather romantic. I would then be tempted to actually write my own vows because it would only be 1 extra person listening to it. 

Another reason, as some of you pointed out, to elope is to avoid family drama. Our families are both normal, but I feel if you throw a wedding into the mix, drama would find its way in somehow.

Keep the stories coming. They're going into the pro's side of scale.

SarahPLiz

My sister eloped, but we knew she was going to, 2 weeks before. My parents knew it was happening but they weren't invited. No one was. My mother was SO upset that she just started talking to my sister again, and it wil be 15 years in August. If they had done it and not even told our mom beforehand, I don't know what would have happened. Oh, and they got engaged, 2 weeks before the wedding, which was 6 weeks after they started dating. My mom rushed to go visit my sister to meet my BIL, but I didn't get to meet him until they had been married 5 months already. My dad was miffed he didn't get to walk her down the aisle or dance iwth her but he got over it pretty quickly.

They are still very happily married and don't really have any regrets about their wedding day, but my mom is still pretty sore. When I got engaged, I had that pressure of having a "proper wedding" which kinda sucked, but it was what I was planning anyway. I couldn't imagine getting married without my family, especially after my sister eloped.

krizzo17

Ok, here's my random elopement story:

When my great-grandmother was about 18, she and her boyfriend decided to get married. So, they got in the car, drove down to Maryland (which at the time, didn't require blood tests or a waiting period), got married, and drove home. Except they never told anyone. For months. Finally, one day my great-grandmother was helping her mother with the ironing, and happened to mention that she was married. Her mother said "that's nice, now you can move out" and promptly kicked her to the curb. She stayed married until he died 40 years later

goobersinlove

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_anyone-eloped?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7db94178-c6c1-44ed-9380-41dd3531b289Post:43e057cc-0cfa-4741-8d6f-50472112b0de">Have you (or anyone you know that) eloped?</a>:
[QUOTE]Typical subject, but I want the real answers... (I don't think this really applied to P&E, but it's a popular board) Have you or do you know anyone that has truly eloped? ("elope" [to me] = Not informed the parental units/friends/family)  Have you/they regretted it? (as in wished they had a "typical" wedding) Was your/their family upset?  Did you/they get "engaged" prior to said elopement? ("engaged" [to me]= "will you marry me", "yes", ring on finger, announce to family/friends that your engaged) Background... My boyfriend of 4 years (not fiance as there hasn't been the proper "engagement" [see above]) are going on a vacation to Turks & Caicos. <strong>We are considering splurging the $2,000 of eloping vs. the $20,000+ of a wedding</strong> and then later having a party (not reception) to announce and celebrate the fact that we're married, showing the video and pics of said elopement. It's not only about the cost of a wedding (neither of us like to be the center of attention and we have family overseas that wouldn't be able to come). <strong>However, I have a hard time grasping the concept of one night equaling $20,000+. </strong>My major reservations about eloping are that my family would be upset that they weren't there (though I set out some feelers and it seems as though it'd be ok, though I'm not sure about my father) and that I would regret not having a "real" wedding. Aaaaaaand, go!
Posted by magnamarta[/QUOTE]

Just because that's the rough average of what weddings typically cost now days doesn't mean that every wedding is going to put you out $20k.  If you look over on the Budget Wedding boards, lots of ladies are having a wedding for $10k (myself), $7k, $5k and even less! You have complete control over the cost of the wedding - it most definitely doesn't have to cost that much. Just something to point out. Smaller, intimate weddings (think just your immediate family and closest friends) are astronomically cheaper than the $20k affair you are thinking of, for example. And there's literally hundreds of ways to save money.

Meegles4

I've known a couple people who have eloped in their homes. They did it with an officiant and witnesses, and invited immediate family over to their homes after the ceremony. Those invited didn't know they were coming to celebrate a marriage, they were surprised when they arrived. Seems it was a nice way to keep the privacy of the moment, while still sharing something with family who would care about the occasion.

Habs2Hart

If you are concerned about family, you can have a very small and intimate wedding with just family there and you two.  Have a nice lunch afterwards and be done with it.  A wedding is where you get married.  It doesn't have to cost a small fortune if you don't want it to. 

froggatt.clare

FI's good friend from college eloped.  They were going to Cape Cod and asked a friend to officiate (she got certified online).  Her favorite professor filmed it.  They stopped at his family's house on the way there and ended up telling his family, so they all came along to the beach ceremony, then they all went out to dinner afterwards.  Her family was peeved, more because they told his family, who got involved in it.  One of our friends was REALLY bummed that the groom told no one.

They're having a 'reception' this summer, which isn't exactly etiquette-savvy.  I am not sure if she is planning on buying a traditional dress or what they're planning for it and if they want it to be like a reception.  But since you're doing this to save money ON the reception, my guess is you won't be throwing yourselves a big party after the fact.

schmella

We had plans for a big wedding this July.  We put down deposits on everything and had most of the major details laid out, but had not sent out save the dates.  In September we both realized we wanted nothing to do with it- we just wanted to be married.  So we rented out the upstairs of a local restaurant, and eleven weeks later we were married in front of 36 of our closest friends and family, had a buffet style reception with amazing food, open bar, etc.  The reception cost us less than $2K, and it was perfect. 

There's a middle ground, if its what you want.  We (personally) knew we would regret eloping.  So we came up with a list of people we knew we couldn't do without.  Our parents got to see us married and we had an awesome time with our family and friends, but it was simple and inexpensive. 

CFM102012

My sister and her first husband eloped.  He was in the Army, stationed down at Ft Bragg.  They had been engaged for a few months.  My sister, mom and I actually even went dress shopping for her gown. Probably even found the one she would have worn.  She went down to visit and look for an appartment with him.  While she was there they decided to grab a couple friends and go to the courthouse.  

 We didn't find out til a month later.  I don't remember why but Mom was cleaning out sister's car and found some job applications where sister had crossed out our last name and written in her married name.  She confronted them and they fessed up.  I was at work at the time so sister came down, waited for me to be able to help her, and told me.  I remember being in shock and crying in the bathroom for a little while because not only were we not there to see it, we didn't even know.  My parents threw a party a few months later.  A few years later Sister did say she regretted not having the wedding she'd always wanted.  The marriage didn't last.  She's getting remarried in May and this wedding is what the first one was not.  I hope the marriage is too.

RaptorSLH

Our wedding is under $10,000, and we're splurging in several areas.  I have friends who put together a wedding for under $2,000, (barbecue in the park) and another pair who probably were about the same (family cooking traditional favorites in the park.)  There are alternatives to a $20,000 extravaganza.

I do not plan to elope, nor do I know anyone who has, so I can't speak on that.  

I do know that my mother would be flipping furious if I did.  It was the one thing she asked for: she doesn't care where or how we get married, or who else we invite, but she and Dad want to be there.  It would hurt her immensely, because she would see being left out as a slap in the face, a statement that she wasn't important to me.  It would probably put a very serious strain on our relationship that would take us years to get past, if ever.

As for my FMIL, we'd never hear the end of that guilt trip.  (Then again, she wants to use the wedding as a family reunion for people she hasn't seen in 30 years, so she has some ulterior motives there.)  I don't think either dad would attack us the same way, but both would be badly hurt.  

In my family, an elopment would go over like a lead balloon. YMMV.

magnamarta

That was quite a drastic switch from happy eloping stories to not so happy eloping stories. Shoot.
I realize that there's options in between eloping and a $20,000 wedding, I'm no dummy. There are other reasons of why I would want to elope. My mom wouldn't care if I eloped, I've asked. I might have her do some recon with my dad, because he's the main person I'd be concerned about. I don't think my BF's family would care, as they've already gone through two weddings. 

Rachers, I have not been to T&C, but am looking forward to it! The pictures of the crystal clear waters are amazing. I plan on snorkeling and being a beach bum for the week... and maybe becoming a wife  

Mauisun

Magna, I'm really glad you posted this! I'm newly engaged and we're planning to elope in Maui. My fiance and I are introverts and the attention in engagement parties, bridal showers, weddings, etc. is overwhelming for me. We want a casual ceremony on the beach for just us and in order to fulfill this I feel that I can't tell our families. My mother will demand at least a small reception and my FMIL will try to turn this into the party if the century. As a result we want to keep our engagement and wedding plans a secret from our friends and family until we actually elope. The one exception will be my sister. I really wish she could witness the ceremony but she'll be graduating from college shortly beforehand and a trip to Hawaii will be a burden or unfeasible. The bottom line is we want a wedding that will be intimate and personal in a way that suits us. We'll have two pissed moms to return home to and my closest girlfriend might be a little upset, but I'm not worried about anyone else's reaction. I just have to figure out a kind way to inform everyone about our happy news once it happens :-).