S/O of "so, uh, what do you think of this?": Do you deny your fi/h sex?

ohwhynot

I'm fairly fascinated by the youtube videos put up by the woman who practices submission to her husband and of course I was drawn right to "The Importance of Intimacy in Marriage."

She states that she's made the decision to never say no to her husband's "needs," for a variety of reasons.  One big reason is that if she says "no," she is opening up the door for him to be tempted. 

Thoughts?

louisvillebride21

I just don't say no because...well...I don't wanna. He knows when I'm sick and simply wont ask. I'm of the camp that you may not be in the mood when you begin, but you'll get into it. But I don't think if I'm simply not in the mood one night, he's going to stray away from me.

mandapanda78

I think if I were her husband I would be horribly insulted by the idea that one "no" would automatically tempt me to look elsewhere. 

aragx6

I can't imagine a life where I was afraid to say no to my Fi for fear he would then go screw somebody else. You must have very little faith in your partner to feel that way -- quite possibly because he's given her reason to feel that way?

That said, it's a very rare day I say no, because as said previously, I will pretty much always get into it -- even if it takes me a bit of warm up.

forrma7

i think open communication with your significant other is the most important thing. it doesn't mean never say 'no' but making sure that you both understand and respect each others' needs, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, sexually...

temerityjane

I wouldn't hold out on him, and he wouldn't ask if I wasn't feeling well or the mood wasn't there. I do remember one specific instance where we had a minor back and forth with each other - I wouldn't call it a fight, but we had some words, and then in bed, just a short time later, he tried to get fresh with me, and I was like, you must be out of your mind. So no, I wouldn't hold out as a punishment, but I also don't feel obligated to supply sex when I'm not feeling well or when I'm not feeling particularly seckshual towards him at the moment.

georgia_bride09

If I'm not in the mood, I'll say no. He's turned me down too.

If all it takes for your spouse to stray is being denied sex once or twice, then clearly they aren't in it for the long haul anyway.

laladypoet

I turned my H down yesterday because I was sick and I didn't want to reward him for being too stupid to recognize that.

but I actually find that even if I'm not in the mood, when we get going, I GET in the mood pretty fast. and I also notice when we have more sex, we argue less. so I kinda get it. but I'm never "afraid" to say no.

georgia_bride09

To clarify, I wouldn't hold out on my H as punishment, nor would he. We're grown-ass adults.

mandapanda78

A woman I used to be friends with once told me that to keep a relationship healthy a woman must "always be available for sex". It disturbed me on so many levels, not least of which because it seemed to preclude the idea that sex was or should be at all desirable for me as well as my partner. Also, because I have a very visual imagination I kept seeing myself with a neon sign over my head that said "open". Ha!

cengle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_of-uh-think-of-this-deny-fih-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e09593b-0854-4eec-9283-2325cc771725Post:54845c7c-af35-4d04-a555-a5b61a4e3ada">Re: S/O of "so, uh, what do you think of this?": Do you deny your fi/h sex?</a>:
[QUOTE] I wouldn't hold out as a punishment, but I also don't feel obligated to supply sex when I'm not feeling well or when I'm not feeling particularly seckshual towards him at the moment.
Posted by temerityjane[/QUOTE]

This.
Both of us have said "no" at one point or another.  It's life.  One night without sex shouldn't "tempt" anyone to cheat.  That's just ridiculous, and I think it does say a lot about the relationship if you're afraid your spouse is going to cheat on you if you hold out on them every once in a while. 

laladypoet

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_of-uh-think-of-this-deny-fih-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e09593b-0854-4eec-9283-2325cc771725Post:30efa3b7-4fc3-4cc2-bc57-e35a005ba17f">Re: S/O of "so, uh, what do you think of this?": Do you deny your fi/h sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]A woman I used to be friends with once told me that to keep a relationship healthy a woman must "always be available for sex". It disturbed me on so many levels, not least of which because it seemed to preclude the idea that sex was or should be at all desirable for me as well as my partner. Also, because I have a very visual imagination I kept seeing myself with a neon sign over my head that said "open". Ha!
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]
or "vacancy"

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_of-uh-think-of-this-deny-fih-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e09593b-0854-4eec-9283-2325cc771725Post:30efa3b7-4fc3-4cc2-bc57-e35a005ba17f">Re: S/O of "so, uh, what do you think of this?": Do you deny your fi/h sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]A woman I used to be friends with once told me that to keep a relationship healthy a woman must "always be available for sex". It disturbed me on so many levels, not least of which because it seemed to preclude the idea that sex was or should be at all desirable for me as well as my partner. Also, because I have a very visual imagination I kept seeing myself with a neon sign over my head that said "open". Ha!
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]

So she's like Denny's?  Always open? 

I guess that's part of what seems disturbing to me, too - while she gave lip service to this being for the woman's benefit & pleasure too, blah blah blah, there was absolutely no indication that she had any expectation that he would be always available for her, or even that her needs were equally important. 

mandysmear

Yes, I do.  Not as punishment, but if I am not in the mood.  I'm not in the mood.  End of story.  We're all human.  No one can be "ON" all the time.  Except for my husband.  Pretty sure he's never denied me though. 

FutureMrsTR

I only deny FI if I'm sick or extremely tired and it's late and I have to get up early for work.  Otherwise, like pp have said, if I find I'm not in the mood, I almost always end up enjoying it.  And even if it's not "OMG this is so great!" I love the connection that comes from being intimate.

laladypoet

but her needs for TALKING are met. don't know if you saw the rachel ray clip where she says his being a good listener meets her needs. cause I mean, who needs an orgasm?

LesPaul

We had a brief conversation about this recently.  Neither of us would hold out as 'punishment'.  After all, I'm cutting myself off if I do that.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_of-uh-think-of-this-deny-fih-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e09593b-0854-4eec-9283-2325cc771725Post:a6de04ef-d454-4d53-bf14-ada3d5840495">Re: S/O of "so, uh, what do you think of this?": Do you deny your fi/h sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]but her needs for TALKING are met. don't know if you saw the rachel ray clip where she says his being a good listener meets her needs. cause I mean, who needs an orgasm?
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

How antiquated is that!?!

laladypoet

to the people who say they don't turn their H down as punishment--does that mean when you're seriously pissed at him and he wants to have sex, you have sex with him?

I know angry sex is hot to some people, I'm talking to the people who feel the opposite.

louisvillebride21

I guess I'm lucky, he knows when I'm mad and just doesn't make a move on me. But then again, we are still at the point where we never go to bed angry.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_of-uh-think-of-this-deny-fih-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e09593b-0854-4eec-9283-2325cc771725Post:9b00c413-4054-47cc-903f-6e00efe52fbe">Re: S/O of "so, uh, what do you think of this?": Do you deny your fi/h sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]to the people who say they don't turn their H down as punishment--does that mean when you're seriously pissed at him and he wants to have sex, you have sex with him? I know angry sex is hot to some people, I'm talking to the people who feel the opposite.
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

If my Fi knows I'm angry with him (which he always does because I wasn't born with the passive aggressive gene, just the bad temper gene) I don't think he'd be ballsy enough to even ask for sex.

If we're talking about a situation where you were mad at him and he didn't know it so you denied him sex, that seems kind of ridiculous to me. I'd hope it would start a conversation about why you're upset with him in the first place!

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_of-uh-think-of-this-deny-fih-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e09593b-0854-4eec-9283-2325cc771725Post:54845c7c-af35-4d04-a555-a5b61a4e3ada">Re: S/O of "so, uh, what do you think of this?": Do you deny your fi/h sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't hold out on him, and he wouldn't ask if I wasn't feeling well or the mood wasn't there. I do remember one specific instance where we had a minor back and forth with each other - I wouldn't call it a fight, but we had some words, and then in bed, just a short time later, he tried to get fresh with me, and I was like, you must be out of your mind. So no, I wouldn't hold out as a punishment, but I also don't feel obligated to supply sex when I'm not feeling well or when I'm not feeling particularly <strong>seckshual</strong> towards him at the moment.
Posted by temerityjane[/QUOTE]
I laughed with a big mouthful of water and it came through my nose. That's never happened to me before.

LesPaul

DH generally doesn't approach the subject if I'm seriously pissed at him. 

SarahPLiz

Definitely not as a punishment. He's ok if I'm not in the mood, but he likes to maximize his chances of ready to go when I am.. so he's always asking. If I said yes everytime he felt the need, neither one of us would have a job.. .or at least not one I could be proud of.

cengle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_of-uh-think-of-this-deny-fih-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e09593b-0854-4eec-9283-2325cc771725Post:9b00c413-4054-47cc-903f-6e00efe52fbe">Re: S/O of "so, uh, what do you think of this?": Do you deny your fi/h sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]to the people who say they don't turn their H down as punishment--does that mean when you're seriously pissed at him and he wants to have sex, you have sex with him? I know angry sex is hot to some people, I'm talking to the people who feel the opposite.
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

He's never tried it when I was pissed at him.  But then again, I'm rarely angry with him, and when I am, he's usually very quick to apologize or try to make it better.  He's a hard one to stay mad at for long, at least as of now, after 6 months of being married. Ask me again in a few years, maybe.

FutureMrsTR

FI doesn't really try it when I'm pissed (he's usually pissed too at that point), but if he did I would say no.  I wouldn't consider that using sex as punishment though.  I would consider it punishment if I got over the fight and decided not to have sex with him for a week just to show him, even though the fight was over.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_of-uh-think-of-this-deny-fih-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e09593b-0854-4eec-9283-2325cc771725Post:afdce7ec-8438-4d20-8bd1-f47bbbfab270">Re: S/O of "so, uh, what do you think of this?": Do you deny your fi/h sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]I only deny FI if I'm sick or extremely tired and it's late and I have to get up early for work.  Otherwise, like pp have said, if I find I'm not in the mood, I almost always end up enjoying it.  And even if it's not "OMG this is so great!" I love the connection that comes from being intimate.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

This.

The witholding situation I have a problem with is one that a fomer friend practices - withold until he gives into buying or doing something you want.  Needless to say, she has never has a healthy relationship with a man.

temerityjane

Speaking of being turned down, though, Buddy turns ME down more often than the other way around. I had to get out the Wang Weasel last night, and even that didn't work. He's such a prude.

ohwhynot

I'm almost afraid to ask, but what is a wang weasel? 

temerityjane

You know, when you make your hand into a weasel shape and hunt under the covers for...a ... no? Just me? Ok then.

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_of-uh-think-of-this-deny-fih-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e09593b-0854-4eec-9283-2325cc771725Post:fb099f27-8200-4a59-abf1-56d4acc2b1b2">Re: S/O of "so, uh, what do you think of this?": Do you deny your fi/h sex?</a>:
[QUOTE]You know, when you make your hand into a weasel shape and hunt under the covers for...a ... no? Just me? Ok then.
Posted by temerityjane[/QUOTE]

I am now dying, trying not to laugh out loud at work and making a snerk noise instead. 

And, um . . . no, it's not just you.  I'd just never thought of it as a "weasel shape" before.  I get turned down more often, too.