Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine

lindseyl06

I answer the phone. I think the poor girl is an outcast but she uses that as a crutch sometimes. She is... something else. You have got to meet her to understand where Im coming from. I dont think she has a lot of friends but neither do I except I choose not to have alot of people around me. I am more of a family-oriented person. My cousins are my best friends. She has done some things recently though that I have noticed to try and separate me from them but I havent said anything about it.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:347fec95-78d2-4ccb-9c0e-cd67077e5dfe">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]I answer the phone. I think the poor girl is an outcast but she uses that as a crutch sometimes. She is... something else. You have got to meet her to understand where Im coming from. I dont think she has a lot of friends but neither do I except I choose not to have alot of people around me. I am more of a family-oriented person. My cousins are my best friends. She has done some things recently though that I have noticed to try and separate me from them but I havent said anything about it.
Posted by lindseyl06[/QUOTE]

<em>She's going to be your family</em>. Again, you're right, we don't know this girl, but you seem extra harsh on her and I think it would do you a lot of goof to take a step back.

Who the fuuck cares if she asked you how to best wipe down her daughter? I doubt I'd know how to do that either -- as a mom to a daughter already I'd assume you'd know the best way to keep her from drying out or getting a rash.

Gabrielle76

It sounds like she isn't good with people (maybe she has a minor social problem that gets in the way of her making friends).  Maybe she realizes that you are close with your family, and really wants to be included in that family (she will be your SIL, after all)  For example, when she asked you how to change a girl baby diaper, she may have been trying to defer to your expertise as a mother.  I could be wrong though, maybe she's coocoo for cocopuffs, and it's just not coming through in your explanation. 

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:347fec95-78d2-4ccb-9c0e-cd67077e5dfe">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]I answer the phone. I think the poor girl is an outcast but she uses that as a crutch sometimes. She is... something else. You have got to meet her to understand where Im coming from. I dont think she has a lot of friends but neither do I except I choose not to have <strong>alot of people around me</strong>. I am more of a family-oriented person. My cousins are my best friends. She has done some things recently though that I have noticed to try and separate me from them but I havent said anything about it.
Posted by lindseyl06[/QUOTE]

Is anyone else imagining "alot of people" ala Hyperbole and a half?

That mental image made my day.

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:b514b737-3195-4b51-86fb-6dfc4e58f7ea">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine : Is anyone else imagining "alot of people" ala Hyperbole and a half? That mental image made my day.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

<div>I always do!</div>

lindseyl06

It REALLY is about finances I swear. Thats y I asked what should I do because I DO want to be in my brothers wedding (I dont like to disappoint ppl) however I gotta pay to go back to school then I gotta save $ for my wedding and lets not forget about the mouths I have to feed at home. Fiance' doesnt have that great of a job. We are using our income tax  refund money to finace all of this. Then she throws my girls in the wedding as flower girls too without asking me. I can just hear the ching-ching of the cash register going up the more she talks about her wedding. I have helped her with some of the wedding things and she has thanked me for them because she knows absolutely nothing about a wedding (I didnt either I just had to do some research). I do think she looks up to me (I may came off as heartless I apologize for that I was just blowing sum pressure off.)

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:8b59fd38-cdac-4a82-9ee0-56994fbd05a6">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine : I always do!
Posted by dumdumfroggie[/QUOTE]

I wonder what alot of E regs would look like.

I bet it would be holding a glass of wine.

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:f46c24f4-08f7-444c-b3c8-b157f7304928">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine : I wonder what alot of E regs would look like. I bet it would be holding a glass of wine.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

<div>Probably a bottle of champagne, ala LC's sig pic.</div>

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:03ae2b07-4aa2-41cb-92e5-fc6eed125f3f">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]It REALLY is about finances I swear. Thats y I asked what should I do because I DO want to be in my brothers wedding (I dont like to disappoint ppl) however I gotta pay to go back to school then I gotta save $ for my wedding and lets not forget about the mouths I have to feed at home. Fiance' doesnt have that great of a job. We are using our income tax  refund money to finace all of this. Then she throws my girls in the wedding as flower girls too without asking me. I can just hear the ching-ching of the cash register going up the more she talks about her wedding. I have helped her with some of the wedding things and she has thanked me for them because she knows absolutely nothing about a wedding (I didnt either I just had to do some research). I do think she looks up to me (I may came off as heartless I apologize for that I was just blowing sum pressure off.)
Posted by lindseyl06[/QUOTE]

If this is the case, have a heart to heart with her about the finances.

Maybe she genuinely wants you and your girls in the wedding and will work with you to find dresses on the cheap.

lindseyl06

Well I would consider her having the same amount of motherly expertise considering she has the same # of children as I do.

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:88d980f7-4abe-4fb4-9181-6b8169739a59">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine : Probably a bottle of champagne, ala LC's sig pic.
Posted by dumdumfroggie[/QUOTE]

Amazing.

and brilliant.

specialk84

I have been known to ask a question even when I already knew the answer, in an attempt to make conversation. 

Here's how I look at it. She's joining YOUR family. I think the burden is on you and your family to be welcoming, while she should be polite and make some attempt to get to know you. I'm not at all close with my SsIL, and I wish they'd make even half the effort I make to get along. When my brother gets serious with a woman, I will be as nice and welcoming as I possibly can, since I will presumably be related to her for a very long time.

If you cannot afford to participate, tell her no. If you just don't want to participate, you should probably suck it up. You don't have to answer all of her daily calls, but you shouldn't ignore her, either.

Edit: I cannot spell today.

Gabrielle76

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:03ae2b07-4aa2-41cb-92e5-fc6eed125f3f">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]It REALLY is about finances I swear. Thats y I asked what should I do because I DO want to be in my brothers wedding (I dont like to disappoint ppl) however I gotta pay to go back to school then I gotta save $ for my wedding and lets not forget about the mouths I have to feed at home. Fiance' doesnt have that great of a job. We are using our income tax  refund money to finace all of this. Then she throws my girls in the wedding as flower girls too without asking me. I can just hear the ching-ching of the cash register going up the more she talks about her wedding. I have helped her with some of the wedding things and she has thanked me for them because she knows absolutely nothing about a wedding (I didnt either I just had to do some research). I do think she looks up to me (I may came off as heartless I apologize for that I was just blowing sum pressure off.)
Posted by lindseyl06[/QUOTE]

In that case, be open with her, tell her that you really, truly can't afford all the expenses of being a bridesmaid, but offer to help in another way, maybe say you'll help her DIY the favors, or something like that.  It would save you from going broke, and pacify her by showing you care. 

lindseyl06

Im really not sure what to do. If I make a budget for me and the girls it would be $100 for 3 dresses.. Is that realistic?

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:5443c2d4-41e1-4d20-9277-5025dfb8a6fd">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]Im really not sure what to do. If I make a budget for me and the girls it would be $100 for 3 dresses.. Is that realistic?
Posted by lindseyl06[/QUOTE]

I think so.

My bridesmaid's dresses were 60$ each and I'm planning to pick out a flower girl dress at the after Easter sales at the department stores.

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:5443c2d4-41e1-4d20-9277-5025dfb8a6fd">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]Im really not sure what to do. If I make a budget for me and the girls it would be $100 for 3 dresses.. Is that realistic?
Posted by lindseyl06[/QUOTE]

<div>I'd say probably not, unless she doesn't have any pre-conceived ideas on what to wear.</div><div>
</div><div>For the girls you could wait until clearance after April to get cute Easter dresses to use.  </div>

lindseyl06

Thats a smart idea. I think I will check out those sales after Easter too. I think I mite find something thats her colors (watermelon pink and tangerine orange)

specialk84

You can get FG dresses super cheap. Hit up the after Easter sales. I bought the dress for my FG, but her grandmother has purchased dresses for other weddings for less than $20.

Gabrielle76

Even if it isn't relistic, if it's your budget, let her know, then she can decide if she wants to work with it, or let you off the hook. 

lindseyl06

Okay thanks so much I will let her know! That way I dont seem like Im disappointing anybody but at the same time not digging my wedding plans in a ditch!

OliveOilsMom

Since your reasons are financial, I would suggest bowing out of the wedding yourself.  Explain yourself, school costs, your own wedding, etc.  I would leave your girls in the wedding.  Just tell her the best way for you to afford their FG dresses are for, as PP suggested, to purchase Easter dresses after Easter.  You can always just get plain white dresses and add a colored sash.  If she does not accept this scenario of how to purchase the dresses, then tell her the girls cannot be in the wedding either as you can't afford to purchase their dresses.

I would also suggest to help her with DIY projects as her wedding approaches. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Say no, or give her your budget. My BMs spend approximately $50 to be in my wedding.

Also, maybe your brother was hurt that he was asked to be an usher and not a bridesman or groomsman.

SilverSarahB

My first piece of advice is stop making this about her...all the additional details about her in the world isn't going to change your situation, and I think you will be calmer and less worked-up the moment that you stop attaching HER with this issue of being in the wedding.  Because really, the situation is more tha just her, it's a larger social interaction of her, your brother, your mother, you, and your fiance.  

As for the wedding, if you ARE willing to be in the wedding party (that is, to say, to publically stand in front of friends and family in support of their marriage) then let her know that you cannot spend what she has been saying/hinting at, but you are able to set aside $100, and that if they can find a way to make it work your fiances that you would love to be in the wedding party.  If you are NOT able to be in the wedding party, it would be best if you attend as a guest, witnessing and sharing in the joy of their wedding.  Then you have plenty of time to worry about the drama that may or may not be kicked up around YOUR wedding after this wedding is over and done.   Try not to keep score between your weddings...no one else will and it will just make you miserable.