To plus one or not to plus one

OPmeetsNY

FI's sister (19 yrs old) is making a royal mess of her life at the moment and can't seem to see how her selfish behavior is putting a strain on the entire family. Where this becomes a wedding issue is that she is a BM and she recently got back together with an ex-bf and is expecting to be able to bring him to our wedding. Invites need to go out in the near future and we need to make a decision on whether she gets a plus one.

FI doesn't want to give her one b/c she continues to prove that she makes ex/current bf a priority over her family. The sh*t hit the fan over Christmas when she had this bf come over to the house during Christmas dinner after her parents had told her no and while FI and I still weren't aware that he was back in the picture (and she knew it would be an issue, as FI didn't like him the last time around). This was the last straw for FI, who doesn't want her parading him around our wedding, disappearing when she has BM duties to be with him, and in general, being absent from his wedding. I agree with him and we both are willing to deal with the drama that will ensue if we do not give her a plus one (and basically tell her the reason is that she is a very important part of our wedding and we want her to be PRESENT at our wedding), but FMIL doesn't think the drama is worth it. WWYD?

banana468

Let her bring the BF.  She sounds like no prize but the drama doesn't seem to be worth it.  She's off duty at the reception anyway.  Just let it go.

[Deleted User]

Let her bring him. Her only BM responsibility is to put on the dress, and smile  pretty for pictures. Once that is done she is off the hook. And if she does go MIA she is the one that looks irresponsible.

LoveMuffins

What BM duties does she have at the reception? It's probably just going to make her angry and lonely to be at someone else's big romantic day without her current romance, whether or not he's a prize. Even if they "parade" around, who on earth is going to be paying attention to them anyway? Inviting him seems like it'll cause less drama than not inviting him will.

LoveMuffins

Also, sorry had another thought, you can just mark her invite as, literally +1 and don't include him by name. It's the... passive way of showing disapproval, since his name is obviously known.

garcias1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-not-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8097af32-6d8f-4b4f-a2db-a938e700993bPost:df5944d1-7031-4470-9db2-90a44b0a9f5c">To plus one or not to plus one</a>:
[QUOTE]FI's sister (19 yrs old) is making a royal mess of her life at the moment and can't seem to see how her selfish behavior is putting a strain on the entire family. Where this becomes a wedding issue is that she is a BM and she recently got back together with an ex-bf and is expecting to be able to bring him to our wedding. Invites need to go out in the near future and we need to make a decision on whether she gets a plus one. FI doesn't want to give her one b/c she continues to prove that she makes ex/current bf a priority over her family. The sh*t hit the fan over Christmas when she had this bf come over to the house during Christmas dinner after her parents had told her no and while FI and I still weren't aware that he was back in the picture (and she knew it would be an issue, as FI didn't like him the last time around). This was the last straw for FI, who doesn't want her parading him around our wedding, disappearing when she has BM duties to be with him, and in general, being absent from his wedding. I agree with him and we both are willing to deal with the drama that will ensue if we do not give her a plus one (and basically tell her the reason is that she is a very important part of our wedding and we want her to be PRESENT at our wedding), but FMIL doesn't think the drama is worth it. WWYD?
Posted by OPmeetsNY[/QUOTE]

I agree that FSIL seems to be trouble.  Sometimes teenagers suck - you just have to hope that its a temporary suckiness that they will eventually grow out of.  That said, you probably should invite the BF.  It's usually considered common courtesy to give people in the WP a plus one.  So my advice is this:  invite the BF, keep contact with FSIL minimal until the wedding, and then just enjoy your actual wedding day.  Chances are you won't notice her crappy behavior on your wedding day since you will be occupied with so many other things.

[Deleted User]

Do not give her a general plus one. Use his name. You know it so you should use it. It's respectful. Otherwise you are sinking to her level. Also, if you invite him specifically, and then they break up, it may deter her from bringing a new flavor of the week.

mica178

I'd invite him.  You can pretty much ignore him for the entire reception.  And, if he's an on/off boyfriend, there's always the chance that they'll break up before the wedding.  But avoid the drama and send the invitation.  She's an adult, in your wedding party, and has a boyfriend.

[Deleted User]

She is an adult, and you can't control her. You have a better chance of getting her to do things your way if you follow her lead. You can't worry about her not being in pictures. If she isn't, it's going to reflect poorly on her. You will be the bride and not the ring leader. You are not expected to keep tabs on everyone.

Odds are that she will be getting ready with you before the wedding, so BF will not be there then, she will walk down the aisle with one of the GM so her BF will not be in the way then, and then you will probably do pictures between the ceremony and reception, and he will have no reason to be there.  Once she gets to the reception, she should be free to do what she wants.

Make sure the photographer has a list of all the BP so he knows how many people should be present during BP pictures and then he can be the one looking for her.

mica178

I totally get your concern, but again, do the right thing and have him as a guest.  Don't bug her about a speech, and maybe she won't give it.  And I probably would not have him included in the family wedding photos since they are an on-again/off-again couple.  Just make sure that she knows when and where the group photos are taking place and trust her to be adult enough to show up.  And maybe talk with the photographer and videographer about minimizing his appearance in their shots so you don't have to worry about future drama.

Goldlie11

Personally, I believe that all WP members should be permitted to bring a date.  It's just a nice thing to do for them.  I would simply tell your FI she is an adult and it's a nice thing to let all BMs and GMs bring someone, even if it's just a friend.  

mica178

We're all allowed to vent.  Better here than to your future ILs.

OPmeetsNY

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-not-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8097af32-6d8f-4b4f-a2db-a938e700993bPost:ff64287f-23ce-4711-9996-1dbef8141651">Re: To plus one or not to plus one</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To plus one or not to plus one : These are all valid issues.  I would say to skip the toast.  Is she your MOH or his BM?  If not, then she really doesn't need to give a toast.  Even if she is MOH or BM, she still doesn't have to give a toast.  As far as the pictures go, she is going to have to be an adult about the situation if some pictures of him end up in a wedding album despite them breaking up.  Other than that, GL, and just let her petty crap slide off your back.
Posted by garcias1[/QUOTE]
She really wants to do a toast (it's her only brother and she has a serious attachment to him) and FI would like it if she said something, but you are right, she doesn't have to give a toast. That might be the price she pays if she goes MIA.

FILs and us talked last night and yeah, you are right.... We need to find a way to let her petty crap not get to us. It's to the point where her drama is all the family ever talks about and is more discussed and thought about than the wedding plans. This is supposed to be a happy time. Gotta find a way to make that happen.

mkrupar

You should invite him. It sounds like no matter what this girl will cause drama. Choose the path of least resistance and deal with things as they come. There's no sense in worry about IF she'll be MIA for pictures, IF he'll uy her drinks and get her drukn, or IF she and he will end up in random wedding photos. If they do, you just don't order prints of those. Spending the next however many months leading up to your wedding worry about these things is going to make for a very unpleasant experience for all of you.

ckonidak

I'm glad you and your family are finding appropriate ways of handling this whole thing. If it makes you feel any better, FI and I have been engaged since June, when we chose our date (Aug of 2011) my little sister threw a huge fit. She's turning 18 just before our wedding and has now pushed her boyf into proposing to her so they can get married the week before FI and I. It sucks that with her, everything is a competition. But, as PP have mentioned, her bad choices will reflect poorly on her, not on me. And the same goes for your FSIL. You and FI will be married at the end of the day, so just remember to focus on that and you'll be okay!

OPmeetsNY

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-not-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8097af32-6d8f-4b4f-a2db-a938e700993bPost:906f596b-ab3f-4be2-8421-0497f05baec7">Re: To plus one or not to plus one</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm glad you and your family are finding appropriate ways of handling this whole thing. If it makes you feel any better, FI and I have been engaged since June, when we chose our date (Aug of 2011) my little sister threw a huge fit. She's turning 18 just before our wedding and has now pushed her boyf into proposing to her so they can get married the week before FI and I. It sucks that with her, everything is a competition. But, as PP have mentioned, her bad choices will reflect poorly on her, not on me. And the same goes for your FSIL. You and FI will be married at the end of the day, so just remember to focus on that and you'll be okay!
Posted by ckonidak[/QUOTE]
O....m.....g. Wow. I am so incredibly sorry you are going through that. I'm glad that you can see the positive in it and rise above it! I will definitely try to do the same and remember what you said!

DramaGeek

My SIL was also 19 when we got married.  She didn't have a BF that we knew about at the time, but all the other stuff sounds so familiar.  Sadly, at 27 she's a single mother to a 3 year old boy who has never nor will ever meet his dad because dad was married when he and SIL hooked up and Dad (who's about as much of a prize as SIL) has told her in no uncertain terms that he wants nothing to do with their child...of course, I can't say I blame him since he found out from the state health department that he had fathered a child when the child was 6 months old...but I digress...

I'm glad you've decided to invite the BF.  I don't blame you for not wanting to, but you know it's for the best as far as family harmony goes.  If you're worried she'll get caught up with him after the ceremony, schedule pictures for before the ceremony so as soon as she walks back down the aisle she's free.  If she's not there when it's her turn to toast, oh well, skip it.  If she causes a scene, she looks like the ass, not you/fi or her parents.  Chances are good that it will all be ok though, truly.

And CK, that sucks :-(  1, it shouldn't be a competition and 2, to rush getting married just to "beat" someone else to it?  What do your parents think?

ckonidak

Thanks for the sympathies ladies. Yeah, I love my sister, but she is one of those people that just have to be center of attention, if it's good attention or bad. So the parent's have just told her that if she can graduate high-school, they will support her as much as they can in her relationship. She's been with this guy for about a year, the family likes him, but it's just a rough situation. They don't want to be supportive of my relationship but not of hers because it will only make things worse. I think you just have to let people make their own mistakes. As much as I love her, I will be there for her on the same conditions as my parents. She must finish school before anything else. If she does that, what more can we do?

At the end of my wedding day, I'll be surrounded with the people that I love, and married to my best friend. I couldn't ask for more. And if she can be happy as well, then that would just make it all the better.

mespence47

@ckonidak

She can get a divorce first too since everything's a competition.  I'm sorry you have to deal with that bull. GL and I hope everything turns out beautiful for YOUR special day.