s/o Who talks to FILs about stuff

sweetpea0911

So...this is not wedding related, but I think you girls may give me a starting point.

I am clinically depressed, and yes, I am on medication.  It's something I've been working for years to deal with, and while my therapist/doctor and I are perfecting our methods, we haven't quite gotten there yet.  There are times where, for no reason, I feel incredibly sad and lonely, even when I am surrounded by people.  At these points, I tend to get even quieter than normal (I'm pretty shy IRL), and often do not participate in conversations (though I will speak when spoken to, and try very hard not to be rude in any way).  I just feel better if I keep my mouth shut when I am upset for seemingly no reason - I can't explain why I am feeling that way, and I'd rather not have to try.

This has happened several times at my FIL's and they've brought it up every time - "you don't look happy", "wow, you're quiet for once", "are you okay?"  I've been able to laugh it off or blame it on a long day at work, but it's getting to the point where I feel I owe them a more satisfactory explanation.  They do not know I have been diagnosed with depression - there has never been a reason to tell them before.

Do I have FI explain my diagnosis and ways of dealing with it (the meds, therapy, and extra quiet moments) to them, or is this something I should sit down and explain myself?  I'm not sure who should approach it because on one hand,, they're his parents...but on the other hand, they'll be my in-laws for a long time and it's my issue.  What do you girls think?

aplatanada

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_talks-fils-stuff?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:80c2db13-d6b3-4f33-bf57-44835a1a117bPost:3f7f17cd-cf76-4e21-a603-ab4f72587b5f">s/o Who talks to FILs about stuff</a>:
[QUOTE]So...this is not wedding related, but I think you girls may give me a starting point. I am clinically depressed, and yes, I am on medication.  It's something I've been working for years to deal with, and while my therapist/doctor and I are perfecting our methods, we haven't quite gotten there yet.  There are times where, for no reason, I feel incredibly sad and lonely, even when I am surrounded by people.  At these points, I tend to get even quieter than normal (I'm pretty shy IRL), and often do not participate in conversations (though I will speak when spoken to, and try very hard not to be rude in any way).  I just feel better if I keep my mouth shut when I am upset for seemingly no reason - I can't explain why I am feeling that way, and I'd rather not have to try. This has happened several times at my FIL's and they've brought it up every time - "you don't look happy", "wow, you're quiet for once", "are you okay?"  I've been able to laugh it off or blame it on a long day at work, but it's getting to the point where I feel I owe them a more satisfactory explanation.  They do not know I have been diagnosed with depression - there has never been a reason to tell them before. Do I have FI explain my diagnosis and ways of dealing with it (the meds, therapy, and extra quiet moments) to them, or is this something I should sit down and explain myself?  I'm not sure who should approach it because on one hand,, they're his parents...but on the other hand, they'll be my in-laws for a long time and it's my issue.  What do you girls think?
Posted by sweetpea0911[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Do you feel comfortable sharing information about your depression with them?  If so, then do so in a way that would make you feel okay in sharing- either you or you FI.  For me it would depend a lot on the relationship I had with my ILs.  I'm close with MIL, so I feel like I could share myself, but FIL (they are divorced) is all but a stranger to me, so if I felt like he needed to know, I would have H do it. </div><div>
</div><div>If you don't feel comfortable, then no way.  You are not obligated to share with them.</div><div>
</div><div>You might want to talk with your therapist/doc about how to approach the situation.  I know if I were to share something like that with my parents or ILs, they would have a ton of questions.  I would be armed with info and resources they go could go to for more info. </div><div>
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Beachy730

If you feel that you could discuss it with them and not get upset or anything then you could definitely do it yourself.  Or you could also have your FI say something to them in private after they make the next comment.  He can call them or stop by on his own and tell them.  I don't think it matters who it comes from, its just a question of whether you feel comfortable telling them yourself.  Even though they'll be your in-laws for a long time, it doesn't mean you automatically have to be comfortable talking with them about sensitive issues.

Celles

I honestly think that you should do whatever is most comfortable for you in this situation.  You don't "owe" them an explanation, but I can definitely understand the desire to include them -- if only to curtail the kind of well-intentioned comments that can actually make you feel worse about yourself in the throes of depression. 

If it is easier for you to have FI take them aside and offer a brief explanation, then do that.  If would prefer talking to them yourself, that's fine too.  There's no right or wrong in this situation; it just depends on what works for you.

PsyDet 2155

First and foremost, I am glad you are getting medication and are seeing a therapist.  Sometimes it takes a couple different combonations/types of anti-depressants in order to feel some results.  Depression is a very serious issue and I can't imagine how hard it is to see your in-laws on days where you feel particularly sad.  If I was in your position, I would probably have your FI talk to your FIL's about the situation if you have a good relationship with them and feel comfortable with them knowing about your diagnosis.

PsyDet 2155

Feel free to PM me on particularly sad days...sometimes "talking" to an unbiased person is a good person to vent to.

sister2groom

If you want to tell them, sure, but I don't think you have to. I mean even if you were upset for a reason that could be articulated, I wouldn't necessarily expect you to share your problems with them, if you didn't want to. Don't lie about why you're down, but no need to tell them everything either. Next time they ask you could just say something like "Don't worry about it, sometimes I prefer just to listen to conversations."

squirrly

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't give the FILs an explanation beyond, "Oh, I just have quiet days sometimes."  I love my ILs, but I wouldn't want that hanging out there.  (Just to be clear and fair, I wouldn't share something like that with my family either.  It just wouldn't go over well.  I'm not even sure they'd believe such a thing, actually, but that's a different story.) 

I suspect you're overthinking it because you know why you're being quiet.  If you really want to share with them, do it, but I think it should come from you - with FI present.  Though I still don't think that your private medical information is something that NEEDS to be shared.  That's based entirely on my own experiences with my family, though.  If your family or FILs are different, it stands to reason that your thoughts would be different as well. 

mica178

Ditto squirrly.  I don't think you (or your FI) need to tell you FILs about your medical history, unless it's something that you want to tell them.  It really isn't their business to know.

GeauxTigers17

I agree with the people saying you don't owe them an explanation unless you just feel like telling them. 

Jelenny

I have to agree with Chelles...

SP if you are cool talking to them about it you might want to, if you rather the fi bring it up then there is another way...I know it's not always easy with the FILs.  You really DON'T have to explain it to them, but I know when I don't feel well I withdraw.  When they found out I was having migraine issues they were very accommodating and I didn't have the million questions of "are you ok/something wrong/you look down/you are quiet/etc."

I might suggest talking to them too in the event they think you are not happy with them.  You don't mean any harm by it but it could cause tension and make it harder to resolve down the road.  My FILS now take no offense when I take a time out when I have a headache so the conversation on my end helped.  I know we have two different things going on but there are some similarities.

Kristin789

I would NEVER in a million years tell my ILs something personal.

And I would suggest that you cut back on the time you spend with your ILs.  That way, they only see you every now and then, and they aren't likely to say anything stupid like, "Wow, you're quiet today" or whatever.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_talks-fils-stuff?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:80c2db13-d6b3-4f33-bf57-44835a1a117bPost:7bd8158e-a80d-4939-b457-e08f55d257de">Re: s/o Who talks to FILs about stuff</a>:
[QUOTE]I would NEVER in a million years tell my ILs something personal. And I would suggest that you cut back on the time you spend with your ILs.  That way, they only see you every now and then, and they aren't likely to say anything stupid like, "Wow, you're quiet today" or whatever.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Really Kristin? She should cut back on spending time with people who are now her family so that they can't possibly be close enough to her to know her personality? I know you and I often disagree on etiquette, but this is disagreeing on human relationships. If she and her FI like spending time with his parents, that's not a bad thing, and there's no reason to become emotionally closed-off from them.

Sweetpea, I think it's a question of what's easiest for you. If their comments bother you, and you think telling them would make it better, then tell them. Or don't go into the details of the whole thing, just say "eh, sometimes I have quiet days, it's just how I am." Just whatever works for you and makes you most comfortable, there's no right or wrong answer.