commitment ceremony?

thejennygirl

i dont know if this is where i should post this but damn it i'm sick of trying to figure it out   I am a single parent (divorced) i love my fiance VERY much but i am a student too. Being a single parent i get MANY benefits (i.e. discounted tuition for my son, financial aid for me, tax benefits in general etc) I dont want to give this up so my fiance and i are considering just doing a commintment ceremony. Do you have any opinions, thoughts, objections whatever that can help us out?

Catwoman708

I think that you can't have your cake and eat it too. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but if you were my fiance and preferred monetary savings on a few things over being married to me, I wouldn't feel very important.

thejennygirl

thanks for your opinion-btw my fiance has a bachelors in economics and he DEFINETLY all about about the almighty dollar

thejennygirl

i appreciate any opinions regardless of what they are. I reaaaallly want others opinions on this.

kmmssg

ditto catwoman.  And in all honesty - if I received an invitation from a heterosexual couple for a committment ceremony my first thought would be gift grab.  If you don't want to give up the financial benefits you have now, then keep things status quo.Can't have the cake and eat it too.  When will you be done with school?

missamory

i feel differently. i do not see how you are "having cake and eating it too." if it was someone i cared about (good friend or family member) i would support their decisions. i may wonder why they are having a commitment ceremony vs wedding. but i would not consider it gift grabby.

banana468

Unless it's a ceremony because you can't be legally married as you're in a same sex relationship in a state that does not recognize same sex unions, what you want to do is inappropriate.Part of being married is dealing with the lumps that are thrown at you.  DH and I don't qualify for the $8000 housing stimulus because he owns the condo where we live and even though it's not in my name, I don't qualify because I live with him.  That said, we're not going to divorce so we qualify and get back together so we can get the economic benefit.Either get married or live together as a couple.  Don't invent a ceremony because you don't like the options out there.   Sometimes that's just part of being a grown up - you work within the rules and follow them even if you don't like them.

MOBinFL2008

I have to agree with what Banana said.  Although what you're considering may be legal, it just doesn't seem ethical to me. 

trix1223

ditto kmm, banana, and MOB.  This really sounds like you want the big princess party without the consequences of actually getting married.If I received an invitation to this event, I'd decline.  It's a total gift-grab, foot stomping, "but I waaaaaaaaaaaant it" kind of event IMO.Either get married.  Or Don't.  But don't ask people to pretend that a "commitment ceremony" for a heterosexual couple has any meaning at all.  Because it doesn't.

thejennygirl

we dont want gifts-but we were told that its inappropriate to say "no gifts" on the invite. We just want to get before our friends and family and make it known that we are making a commitment to each other forever w/o the bs of what the goverment will do to u just b/c u have a piece of paper saying u are married. By saying that a commitment ceremony is "made up" you are saying that all those gay or lesbian couples are just pretending to love each other.  

Leah&Christian09

If you aren't ready to get married, for whatever reason, don't get married.  When you are ready to get married, do it.  If I knew someone was doing what you propose to do, I would classify it as taking advantage of government programs.Get engaged and have a long engagement until you are ready.

trix1223

jenny, both banana and I specifically referenced that you are a heterosexual couple, so yes, a commitment ceremony is a made up ceremony.  If homosexual couples were allowed to marry (as they should be), then I would also call a commitment ceremony for them a made up ceremony.  Should they finally be permitted to marry, then they should have a wedding ceremony.  Until that day happens, they get a commitment ceremony.It amuses me that you think the government shouldn't get to make a call in whether or not you and your s/o are committed to each other but you have no problem taking advantage of government programs that help you out.I think what you're doing is both unethical and hypocritical.

thejennygirl

These are very good points.  We didn't think of it that way.  Thanks for the advice!

handfast4me

It's been my experience that many Pagans do this sort of thing.  We had our handfasting, which was our betrothal ceremony, about a year before the legal wedding.  We could not have a legal wedding with Pagan officiants due to the screwed up laws in the bible belt, (Georgia) so we did a very traditional handfasting, "for a year and one day" as they were originally done as a trial marriage.  I wanted to live with my fi (now dh) before we got legally married, but wanted some sort of ceremony to formalize the deal.  Since we're Pagan, it worked perfectly.

nightmare_of_beauty

handfast4me is correct. I have a friend who's husband died a week before they could sign the marriage license after their hand fasting ceremony so by law they were not legally married and his mother had to handle his final finacial affairs, even though friend and her DH were living together before their ceremony. I agree with what everyone said. Having a commitment ceremony so you can contiune to use the government isn't right. Get married if you want to get married and if you don't, then don't. Why does it matter if your friends see you making a formal commitment to each other? FI and I have been engaged since 2007 and not getting married till next year. I told FI before he proposed I would not marry him before I graduate college (and I do NOT get any help with school because since I'm not married or have a child, they go off my parents income...it was just important to me to have my degree first) and he said that was fine and proposed to me anyway. Both our families gave us weird looks for it, but I did not change my mind.

bridecharisma

I understand where you are coming from, being a single parent, now engaged, myself. But why not just wait till you finish school to get married then. Its not like you reap any benefits of a commitment ceremony. You arent legally married, you haven't taken any vows, the church or God isnt incluided I dont think, so why do it now?

handfast4me

I just have reiterate here, that many Pagan couples do this--handfasting, as a trial marriage, for a year and one day.  Yes, the GodS and Goddesses are included in these ceremonies, and this is a much older tradition than Christianity. 

ffmaid

I think that a commitment ceremoney when you can get married and do not want to out of greed is not cool. I think it may be fraud and is definatly immoral.  I think that is a very bad example to your child. No dad and I are  not married we want to mooch off of others  more then we love one another

thejennygirl

my fiance isnt the father of my son as stated in the post to begin with-my ex husband is. everyone has made good points about the aspects of doing it either way thanks!!

Puppylove*85

I understand commitment ceremonies for gay couples who are not legally permitted to marry.  But a commitment ceremony for a same-sex couple that can marry but doesn't want to just doesn't make sense to me.  You can be committed to one another without a ceremony.  But the ceremony you are describing seems fake to me.  How can you ask for the same recognition as a marriage when you are deliberately choosing not to marry?

ootmother2

bad karma   Not to mention fraud

banana468

Stage, there's a huge difference IMO in doing something because you have no other option.  If the commitment ceremony is ALL you can legally do, that's what you do.If you're opting for a commitment ceremony because you're deciding that you really don't like the legal repercussions/responsibilities of being married, it's doing your best to have a sham wedding with the presents and recognition but without the adult responsibility that actually comes with it.   Particularly in the OP's case, what she's saying is, "I love my FI but we love the tax benefits more."

banana468

Yeah, I think we may have to agree to disagree.This is coming from someone who was told that her Catholic ceremony wouldn't take place without the marriage license from the state - they knew that one wasn't valid without the other.  I think that's why I feel that way about the commitment in a house of God and the gov. Plus, I feel like going about the committment ceremony route is in a sense belittiling the gay community who in some states have no other choice but to partake in a committment ceremony.   

handfast4me

hmmm.  I guess I see this totally different.  I've even known and read about more different gender couples who have refused to become legally married until same gender couples can do the same.  So they do a non-legal commitment ceremony.  And basically, as I've stated before, that's what a lot of Pagans do.  Some later have a legal wedding (as we did), but still others will not out of protest.  I think, though, if you work out the finances you'll see that the "marriage tax" may not exist, although that does depend on your income, and other circumstances.   DH thought that we would suffer financially if we became legally married and we sat down and figured it out--we both bring home more money now that we're married. 

chosen175

Just out of curiosity, what would be the reason for doing this ceremony if you don't want gifts?  I am assuming you and your FI live together, he acts like a father to your child, etc.  I'd think your family would already know you're committed to each other.  I'd wait until you're done with school to have a legal ceremony.  As a guest, I definitely wouldn't go to both - I'd see the commitment ceremony as an unnecessary attempt to stand in the spotlight for a day.  Just my $.02.

handfast4me

Chosen--read all the posts and you'll see lots of people have lots of different reasons for this.  I had a commitment ceremony (we call it a handfasting in the Pagan community) because we can't legally get married by our High Priestess and High Priest. I wanted something that said he was committed when he moved in with me, but not necessarily a legal commitment, yet. 

tommyandy

Who would you invite? If its just family , I would do the hand-fasting. If it's friends, how about a 'hooray! We've been together for x years' party? Either way, I would include my little one. I would also spend the money on a real tax pro to see what the financial cost or benefit would be at this time for marriage. I am aware that marriage is a sacred vow, but it doesn't pay for school or rent or food.