Shower Invites

damaless

Since my wedding guests are coming from all over the place, several showers are being thrown for me in various cities (no overlapping guests other than my mom).  The people organizing these showers for me are asking for a guest list from me.  I have a few questions before I do this.

1) If someone has RSVP'd that they cannot come to the wedding, is it still appropriate for them to be invited to the shower?

2) If someone single has RSVP'd with a guest to the wedding, does that guest also get an invitation to the shower?  Do single people get "& guests" to showers?

3) What about people who are invited to the wedding, but don't live in any of the cities where the showers are happening?  Is it rude that they aren't being invited to a shower?

4) If you're not sure if someone is a close enough family member or friend to be invited to the shower, is it better to err on the side of inviting or not inviting?  I'm worried that inviting if they perceive themselves to not be that close will come off as gift-grabby, whereas not inviting if they perceive themselves to be that close will come off as a slight.

quotequeen

1) Yes.
2) Usually not an issue because showers are female-only.  Are these all co-ed showers?  I would say no guests.
3) Not rude to not invite somebody to a shower.
4) Err on the side of not inviting them.

danieliza1127

1) If someone has RSVP'd that they cannot come to the wedding, is it still appropriate for them to be invited to the shower?

If they are a close friend or family member, I think it's okay to invite them.  Whatever conflict they had with your wedding date might not apply to your shower and they might like to come.

2) If someone single has RSVP'd with a guest to the wedding, does that guest also get an invitation to the shower?  Do single people get "& guests" to showers?

Showers are typically females only, so I'm not sure this is something you're going to have to worry about unless you're talking about a lesbian couple.  No, single people don't get "and guest" for a shower.

3) What about people who are invited to the wedding, but don't live in any of the cities where the showers are happening?  Is it rude that they aren't being invited to a shower?

We invited some people that were a 3 hour drive and they came.  Use your best judgement.  I limited mine to not invite anyone out of state.

4) If you're not sure if someone is a close enough family member or friend to be invited to the shower, is it better to err on the side of inviting or not inviting?  I'm worried that inviting if they perceive themselves to not be that close will come off as gift-grabby, whereas not inviting if they perceive themselves to be that close will come off as a slight.

Err on the side of not inviting.  You know whether you're close or not.

foreverlove2010

1. Still send the invite because they might be able to make the shower but not the wedding.
2. I've never heard of people getting +1s for a shower.
3. You can still send the invite anyways.
4. There isn't any harm in inviting them if you want them there even if they aren't really close to you. They can decide whether or not to accept it.

damaless

I'm not talking about lesbian couples, but I do have an aunt who is bringing a female friend to the wedding with her due to a special circumstance.  That guest is the one I am wondering about for shower invitations.

Regarding people coming in from out of town to attend a shower, we're talking having to take a plane or coming from another country, so it's not really driving distance.

Catwoman708

1.  If they are a close friend or family member, I'd say invite them.  If they are not, then I wouldn't invite them.

2.  No, "and guests" don't need to be invited to the shower, they are not expected to bring a gift if they are the date.  That is the responsibility of the invited guest. 
*If they are a long term girlfriend, and you are acquainted with them, then maybe consider inviting them.
*If your guest is elderly and perhaps needs someone to bring/drive her, include a personal note that she is welcome to bring a guest if needed.

3.  In my opinion, showers should be only for those that live locally, not OOT guests.  (Unless maybe they are very close family, a best friend, or WP member).  So it's not rude to not invite OOT guests to a shower.

4.  If you are relatively close, or friendly with them, then it's not rude or gift grabby to invite them to a shower.  If they feel it is, they are free to decline the invitation.


*No matter what you do or don't do, someone might get "offended" to be excluded or even included in a shower.  Just do what you think is the considerate thing to do, and hope for the best.

foreverlove2010

If they have to take a plane or come from another country I wouldn't send one.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

1) If someone has RSVP'd that they cannot come to the wedding, is it still appropriate for them to be invited to the shower?

I don't see why it would be innappropriate to invite them.  Maybe they really wanted to attend the wedding - but obviously can't, and if they can attend the shower - why not?  I don't think it's ok to invite people to showers and then not invite them to weddings.  But if you invite them to your wedding - regardless of whether or not they're coming - I don't think it's wrong to invite them to the shower.

2) If someone single has RSVP'd with a guest to the wedding, does that guest also get an invitation to the shower?  Do single people get "& guests" to showers?

Maybe this is just me, but I don't think "& guests" are necessary for showers.  But I see showers as smaller affairs - I picture some girlfriends, some aunts and grandmas and maybe some church ladies.  I don't think I would be upset if people brought a guest but I don't think it's necessary to include "& guests" to showers.

3) What about people who are invited to the wedding, but don't live in any of the cities where the showers are happening?  Is it rude that they aren't being invited to a shower?

No it's not rude.  You don't have to invite every single person to a shower that's been invited to your wedding.  Are you not inviting them simply because they don't live in that city?  Are you having just city showers?  I think if a person REALLY wants to come to your shower (assuming that they were invited) they'll come, no matter where it's held.

4) If you're not sure if someone is a close enough family member or friend to be invited to the shower, is it better to err on the side of inviting or not inviting?  I'm worried that inviting if they perceive themselves to not be that close will come off as gift-grabby, whereas not inviting if they perceive themselves to be that close will come off as a slight.

That's a person-by-person judgment call.  I'm sure most people are happy with only being invited to the wedding and nothing else.  For me I'm just inviting really close women and friends to my showers, not the distant relatives or long lost friends of my mother and grandmother, etc.  You just have to decide if you'd rather not invite them and possibly hurt feelings - or if you'd rather invite them and spare bad feelings.  Either way it's tough.

damaless

Maybe I will give them two lists.  One of them being the comprehensive list of all the women on the wedding guest list who could feasibly attend the shower, and the other being the list of people I actually would like to see there.  Then the people actually throwing the showers can take the latter list as a starting point and add people from the other list as they see fit.  Does this seem reasonable, or is that putting too much pressure on the people planning the showers?

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_shower-invites-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:813d2471-c659-46c0-8420-abb3e8546b3dPost:872c7a78-7963-4d73-a849-1bace5897ca7">Re: Shower Invites</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I will give them two lists.  One of them being the comprehensive list of all the women on the wedding guest list who could feasibly attend the shower, and the other being the list of people I actually would like to see there.  Then the people actually throwing the showers can take the latter list as a starting point and add people from the other list as they see fit.  Does this seem reasonable, or is that putting too much pressure on the people planning the showers?
Posted by damaless[/QUOTE]

Unless they know these people too, I think that would be hard for them.  You should ask them how many people they can accommodate, and give them a list in that range.  People you aren't close to should not be on any list you provide because they really shouldn't be invited to a shower (like, say, your co-worker's girlfriend, or whatever).

damaless

Thanks for the advice, everyone, I have talked to the planners and figured out what list they would prefer me to give them.

noodle_oo

i personally feel that showers are for close friends and family only.  If you don't really know the person, then inviting them to a shower for you comes across as gift grabby to me.  For instance, if I was invited to my boyfriend's friend's shower just because he's taking me to the wedding, I'd assume you just want more gifts.

So my advice is this:  only invite people with whom you are very close.  These are the people who want to be invited.  People who dont' really know you really don't want to sit though a family event where they don't know people and have to endure 2 hrs of present opening.  Save them the trouble.

Also:  don't invite people who would have to travel long distances unless they are *extremely* close to you (like best friend/maid of honor, or your mom).  By long distance, I'd say anything over a 3 hr drive (unless it is family who will stay over for it).

SteveandKris

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_shower-invites-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:813d2471-c659-46c0-8420-abb3e8546b3dPost:0f9ea39d-f4f0-451f-95f0-8fa1fcd34f28">Re: Shower Invites</a>:
[QUOTE]i personally feel that showers are for close friends and family only.  If you don't really know the person, then inviting them to a shower for you comes across as gift grabby to me.  For instance, if I was invited to my boyfriend's friend's shower just because he's taking me to the wedding, I'd assume you just want more gifts. So my advice is this:  only invite people with whom you are very close.  These are the people who want to be invited.  <strong>People who dont' really know you really don't want to sit though a family event where they don't know people and have to endure 2 hrs of present opening. </strong> Save them the trouble. Also:  don't invite people who would have to travel long distances unless they are *extremely* close to you (like best friend/maid of honor, or your mom).  By long distance, I'd say anything over a 3 hr drive (unless it is family who will stay over for it).
Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]

This.  I was invited to the shower for my ex boyfriend/former medic partner's FI (he and i are still close) - but I had met her ONCE...  awkward