Wedding Etiquette Forum

Re: -

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    To answer your questions,

    1.  Yes.  The same level of hospitality has to be offered to every guest.  You don't invite some for dinner and some for dancing only.  But as long as you're inviting everyone only for cake and dancing (if the reception is at the right time of the day for that, say 2-4pm or after 8pm), then you're fine.

    2.  Also yes.  It is rude to tell others what to do with their money, and "no gifts please" does exactly that.  If you don't want to keep gifts, you are allowed to discreetly dispose of them after the wedding, but it is not okay to give out gift preferences in advance, such as in wedding invitations.

    Also, you might be thrilled to be invited to just a dance, but I think your guests are going to be looking for time with you and time together.  Allow for the time for that to happen.  The fact that you don't spend a lot of time with these people doesn't mean that they won't want it to happen.  Be gracious and not dismissive of your guests.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82a0a80b-022f-4bef-ab9a-6f68c8287146Post:7c9b4991-74f9-4055-b8f3-40b2c34aa774">Reception help</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I have been together for 18 years, engaged for almost 12, so our situation is a little different than many. We have reached a dihlema in how to handle things. We only wanted a small ceremony, but where do you draw the line? Neither of us like to be center of attention, but we have so many people that want to in someway be part of our day. Our simple, casually wedding is becoming more and more formal. We have relatives we are obligated to invite and friends we would rather invite :( So we decided family only to the ceremony, but then decided we had a number of other people that would feel left out so we extended the list. However we have another large list of people that we would like to still extend some kind of invite to without them feeling like we are just looking for a geft. In fact we aren't doing this for gifts at all, we just want to be able to celebrate with a large array of people, friends, family, co-workers & close clients. <strong>Number one is it really that offenscive to only be invited for cake and dancing (when the majority of the people might just want to pop in and say caongrats) I feel it's a little nicer to send them a special invite than to just say "hey stop by" </strong>Secondly is it <strong>tacky to put on all of the invitations (ceremony & dance) "No Gifts Please"</strong> Like I said we have been together a long time & the day, for us isn't about gifts but about spending it with so many people we have gotten to know over the years. If it were me I would be thrilled to be invited to just a dance (it makes for a shorter day and your really don't spend alot of time with the wedding couple anyhow) Just looking for some opinions, not negative ones just opinions with the concept that this really is a non-traditional wedding :/ Thanks
    Posted by harleystyle[/QUOTE]

    #1 Yes. "Dance only" invitations are always rude.
     "Reception only" invitations are considered rude most of the time, as the reception is the thank you to guests for attending your ceremony. There's no way around it, unless you are married in a ceremony that is <em>truly</em> private. Meaning your FI, yourself, the officiant, and less than 10 witnesses.

    #2 Yes. It is very tacky. Guests are adults and will get you a gift if they so choose. You are not obligated to register for gifts, though, and you can spread the news by word of mouth.
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    Everyone who is invited to the ceremony should also be invited to the reception.  The only exceptions to this are if you are having a private ceremony (immediate family members and their SO's only), then you can have a larger guest list for the reception.  But you should not invite people to only come ot the dance portion, they must be invited to the meal as well.
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    As a guest, I have not felt slighted the two times we were invited to the reception only. However, the ceremony was about 10 guests both times, and that was just immediate family and their spouses. If I found out I was going to a reception, but the ceremony had 20 or more people I would feel pretty bad.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82a0a80b-022f-4bef-ab9a-6f68c8287146Post:419b2872-858e-477a-907a-de1044ded4c2">Re: Reception help</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm more worried about being RUDE by not invinting them at all. I think most of these people understand we are not Best Friends but close aquaintences. I just don't want hurt feelings and it seems that will happen reguardless :/ <strong>We should have gone to vegas</strong> :( 
    Posted by harleystyle[/QUOTE]

    <div>Is it too late to change your plans?  If invites haven't gone out, I'd suggest scrapping the whole thing and doing something for just the two of you.  </div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82a0a80b-022f-4bef-ab9a-6f68c8287146Post:419b2872-858e-477a-907a-de1044ded4c2">Re: Reception help</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm more worried about being RUDE by not invinting them at all. I think most of these people understand we are not Best Friends but close aquaintences. I just don't want hurt feelings and it seems that will happen reguardless :/ We should have gone to vegas :( 
    Posted by harleystyle[/QUOTE]

    Look, if you want to invite someone, then you invite them-whether you are close or not.  There is no rule of etiquette that says not to-the only rule is that spouses, fiance/es, and SOs must be invited as couples.

    You're right, someone's feelings getting hurt over any wedding issue is a very safe bet.  That said, let that go and make decisions based on common sense as well as empathy.  Stop thinking that you would have been happy with X and ask yourself, "X might be good enough for me, but I really want to invite Jane-will that work for her?"  These are things anyone inviting anyone to a wedding (or for that matter, any other occasion) needs to think about.  If you invite anyone, then you are a hostess whether you like it or not-so start thinking like one.  If you're going to be dismissive of the needs of guests, then just go to Vegas.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82a0a80b-022f-4bef-ab9a-6f68c8287146Post:787b057c-7fa7-417f-89ab-8389aa15aa8b">Re: Reception help</a>:
    [QUOTE]And quite honestly, I'm inviting family that I'm not close to at all out of obligation and not friends that I share so much  with.........UGH! P.S. <strong>we are not haveing a meal just light hors dvours</strong> between ceremony and dance while we are taking pics. <strong>We are setting a dollar amount on the food when it's gone it's gone, no rsvps</strong>
    Posted by harleystyle[/QUOTE]

    What time are you planning on having your ceremony and reception? If it is during a meal time, you need to provide enough food to constitute a meal.

    What happens if Cousin A decides he's starving, so he tracks down a server and takes a plateful of the food you're offering but Cousin B is busy mingling and talking, and doesn't get any food? I would suggest you, at minimum, have RSVPs to ensure that enough food is purchased to be sure that EVERY guest gets an adequate amount.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82a0a80b-022f-4bef-ab9a-6f68c8287146Post:0813bfaa-7719-4314-82e7-71bbde1d6c38">Re: Reception help</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think scrapping it all now would put me in a worse place than I already am............LOL We just want to share our time more casually and not feel bombarded all at once with hundreds of guest. We felt if we broke it up we would spend part of it with close family/friends and then later with our closer aquaintences and friends we don't see as often.......... <strong>I know I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too</strong> :P
    Posted by harleystyle[/QUOTE]

    Yes, you are. And unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.

    If you are planning to invite anyone other than immediately family (parents, siblings, and significant others) to the ceremony, people WILL be offended at not being good enough to see the ceremony. Even if you don't intend for it to look like you're fishing for gifts, that's exactly how it will come across to send invites to some people for only the reception or only the dancing portion.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82a0a80b-022f-4bef-ab9a-6f68c8287146Post:f88cfc36-6e0b-4bde-b27b-98ac106921a6">Re: Reception help</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Reception help : We are planning a 2:30 ceremony, 3:00 pics for an hour while hors devours are brought out.<strong> We figured from 4 - 5 we would mingle and have a bite ourselves, then at 5 have cake and dance......and the rest of invited guests at that time</strong>. 100 people total for ceremony & hors dvours -<strong> if someone eats too much, I can't avoid that</strong> it says on the invites hors dvours. We do not want to sit down to a big meal when we could be mingling.......although I'm sure many will be disappointed they aren't getting a smorgas board - can't please them all!
    Posted by harleystyle[/QUOTE]

    This is a meal time, and you need to provide a "meal" to your guests. Whether that means a sit-down, plated meal, a buffet (with enough food for EVERY guest), or heavy hors d'oeuvres (with enough for EVERY guest to make a meal).

    Light hors d'ouevres and cake does not constitute a meal.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82a0a80b-022f-4bef-ab9a-6f68c8287146Post:3b1bc22f-8a1c-452c-b8d0-103b21391322">Re: Reception help</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well then i guess we'll change the time - not doing a meal......
    Posted by harleystyle[/QUOTE]

    I also wouldn't expect to have a dancing/party-type reception without a meal, unless you do a very late ceremony with a dessert reception. But again, you need to make sure that there is enough of whatever you are hosting for every.single.guest.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82a0a80b-022f-4bef-ab9a-6f68c8287146Post:f88cfc36-6e0b-4bde-b27b-98ac106921a6">Re: Reception help</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Reception help : We are planning a 2:30 ceremony, 3:00 pics for an hour while hors devours are brought out. We figured from 4 - 5 we would mingle and have a bite ourselves, then at 5 have cake and dance......and the rest of invited guests at that time. 100 people total for ceremony & hors dvours - if someone eats too much, I can't avoid that it says on the invites hors dvours. We do not want to sit down to a big meal when we could be mingling.......although I'm sure many will be disappointed they aren't getting a smorgas board - can't please them all!
    Posted by harleystyle[/QUOTE]

    <div>Unfortunately, as a guest, this would give me the impression that dinner was going to be served.  If you're set on no full dinner, then have your reception end before dinner-time.  Inviting people to come to the reception at 5 would give the impression that dinner will be served.</div>
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    Why even ask the question if you're just going to do what you want, any way?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82a0a80b-022f-4bef-ab9a-6f68c8287146Post:f88cfc36-6e0b-4bde-b27b-98ac106921a6">Re: Reception help</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Reception help : We are planning a 2:30 ceremony, 3:00 pics for an hour while hors devours are brought out. We figured from 4 - 5 we would mingle and have a bite ourselves, then at 5 have cake and dance......and the rest of invited guests at that time. 100 people total for ceremony & hors dvours - if someone eats too much, I can't avoid that it says on the invites hors dvours. We do not want to sit down to a big meal when we could be mingling.......although I'm sure many will be disappointed they aren't getting a smorgas board - can't please them all!
    Posted by harleystyle[/QUOTE]

    Honestly, given all you are saying, I'd just cut your guest list to the 100 that are coming to the ceremony, and that's it. Having been to an evening wedding where there isn't enough food, it isn't fun. I think your aquaintances and friends that you don't want to be rude to would feel worse about having to get dressed up, possibly book a room, buy you a gift, and then not see your ceremony and be hungry all night. They'd probably prefer you just saying "sorry, we're doing something small with family, but thanks for your well wishes."

    Also, I agree that if it's at 5, you need full food. Go for like a 1pm ceremony, 1:30 appetizers, 2:30 dancing and cake, everyone out by 5. That way people won't get hungry/cranky about the food and you can still not spend the money on feeding them. Also, even though you say you don't want a sit down meal, please make sure you have enough seats for everyone to sit if they want. It's also miserable to be at a wedding where you have no where to sit.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82a0a80b-022f-4bef-ab9a-6f68c8287146Post:f88cfc36-6e0b-4bde-b27b-98ac106921a6">Re: Reception help</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Reception help : We are planning a 2:30 ceremony, 3:00 pics for an hour while hors devours are brought out. We figured from 4 - 5 we would mingle and have a bite ourselves, then at 5 have cake and dance......and the rest of invited guests at that time. 100 people total for ceremony & hors dvours - if someone eats too much, I can't avoid that it says on the invites hors dvours. We do not want to sit down to a big meal when we could be mingling.......although I'm sure many will be disappointed they aren't getting a smorgas board - can't please them all!
    Posted by harleystyle[/QUOTE]

    If you want to serve hors d'oeuvres during this period, make it heavy hors d'oeuvres.  Don't make it light.  This is close to dinner time, so you do need to serve the equivalent of dinner.  Move it back to 4pm if you want to do light hors d'oeuvres.

    And no, you can't do "rest of invited guests."  Not to offer all your guests the same hospitality is incredibly rude.

    Since it sounds a lot like you don't want to offer any hospitality, I think you need to cancel everything or change your mindset.
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    Ditto vonclancy above. It doesn't sound like you're particularly interested in hosting a party for all these people, so just invite who you want to invite and can afford to host, and invite everyone on the smaller guest list to the entire event. Also, what's the point in not inviting everyone to the ceremony? That's generally the inexpensive portion.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82a0a80b-022f-4bef-ab9a-6f68c8287146Post:802bf4cc-4652-41e7-b9c3-f94bf497f80c">Re: Reception help</a>:
    [QUOTE]When I have an aquaintence or close client say "I can't wait to see you in your dress" My heart stops and I think, how can I not invite them too - but where do I draw then line......I'm on a budget and I think people in this economy get that. Oh well it is what it is - they will come or they won't and they will be thrilled or pissed. Either way it's our day and we have to do what we feel comfortable with :)  Thanks for the opinions - <strong>But if I have to be rude I guess it's in a nice way :/</strong>
    Posted by harleystyle[/QUOTE]

    There is no way to be rude in a nice way, you are just being rude. I'm sorry, but this is a recipe for disaster:
    1.)  I know weddings are expensive but think about it from this perspective- you keep talking about work associates and clients you want to invite. I would be <u>much</u> more offended at not being hosted properly, or getting a tiered invitation, than not being invited at all. If one of my consultants I work with did that to me, I would seriously doubt their professional capabilities since this is ignoring such basic logic/common sense, to the point it would make me reconsider hiring them in the future. What you are doing to them is incredibly rude and straight up unprofessional. Professional contacts understand that weddings are a personal thing. Scrap the wedding talk with them. Are you ready to lose professional relationships over this?

    2.) No one will stay past 5 if you are not serving food so scrap dancing. I'm sorry, but who wants to dance with a grumbling tummy- especially if you are bitter that Great Aunt Mildred hijacked the cheese puffs and you had to pay for a packet of crisps because you were in the ladies room! Weddings without meals are very short.

    3.) It is not to late to just go to Vegas, which really seems to solve all of these problems. Especially if you haven't sent out the invites.

    It is frustrating that people can think that just because they are getting married they can be mean to their friends. You can have the nicest intentions, but your actions are mean and rude! And people judge you by your actions. I went to a wedding similar to what you are describing (cash bar, little food, asking for cash, HM registry, tiered reception) and everyone I know who was there still jokingly refers to it as the wedding from hell... 5 years later! This couple lost a huge amount of friends by doing rude things at their wedding. Everyone realised that this couple didn't care about their comfort or feelings, so why should we care about theirs? <u>I implore you- don't be that couple!</u>
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    Don't invite work associates or clients- they can't wait to see you in your dress? Snap a few photos and show them the next time you see them. I say cut your count down to 20 and do a meal or move the time to 1:00 or 7:30/8:00pm. Don't think people will come and say hi and just leave, becasue they'll expect something to show that they were wanted there- food, beverages, desert.

    OR, just elope today and call it a deal.
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    Well, that was an awesome DD /sarcasm.

    OP, you've been quoted, so that was pointless.
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    In Response to Re::[QUOTE]Well, that was an awesome DD /sarcasm.OP, you've been quoted, so that was pointless. Posted by gurrlballa10[/QUOTE]

    And since you changed the subject of the post to a dash, more people will click on it because they want to know what happened.
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    1.  You were quoted.

    2.  You're not a very good host.  You expect your guests to start with a 2:30 ceremony, then hang around until after 5 to start dancing, all with just cake and *maybe* a light app?  No.  Think of it from your guests' perspective.  Would you want to spend that much time at a wedding without a meal?  Or may not even an invitation to the ceremony, just a B-list dance invitation?  I wouldn't.

    3.  You can't have it all.  Either choose a small, intimate wedding with a champagne & cake reception, or a larger, more complicated wedding WITH A MEAL.
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    I'm not sure it's worth the time and effort of trying to explain to someone why family and close friends shouldn't be B listed for clients. Good luck asking your clients for help if life ever kicks you in the kidneys OP. You know, cuz they are TOTALLY the people that pull through for you and matter. rolls eyes
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82a0a80b-022f-4bef-ab9a-6f68c8287146Post:5e61bea5-7812-4361-b4d1-5005cd103e67">Re:Reception help</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ditto vonclancy above. It doesn't sound like you're particularly interested in hosting a party for all these people, so just invite who you want to invite and can afford to host, and invite everyone on the smaller guest list to the entire event.<strong> Also, what's the point in not inviting everyone to the ceremony? That's generally the inexpensive portion.</strong>
    Posted by SKPM[/QUOTE]


    I have never understood this. Unless you have the tinyiest of tiny churches I can't imagine that it would be a hassle to host an average size wedding.

    Or is it a religious issue? I might be wrong on this but don't Mormon weddings restrict the ceremony to just Mormons?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82a0a80b-022f-4bef-ab9a-6f68c8287146Post:f2a60678-eda0-4055-bcd4-3ccb0cd41e1a">Re:Reception help</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Reception help : I have never understood this. Unless you have the tinyiest of tiny churches I can't imagine that it would be a hassle to host an average size wedding. Or is it a religious issue? I might be wrong on this but don't Mormon weddings restrict the ceremony to just Mormons?
    Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

    If it's in a temple, such as a sealing ceremony, then yes, the ceremony is limited to Mormons in good standing.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_reception-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82a0a80b-022f-4bef-ab9a-6f68c8287146Post:f2a60678-eda0-4055-bcd4-3ccb0cd41e1a">Re:Reception help</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Reception help : I have never understood this. Unless you have the tinyiest of tiny churches I can't imagine that it would be a hassle to host an average size wedding. Or is it a religious issue? I might be wrong on this but don't Mormon weddings restrict the ceremony to just Mormons?
    Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

    I agree, I think that OP was just reluctant to host anything and inviting people to everything just seemed more of a hassle.

    I think that having a private ceremony (like 10% of total guests) is fine for <strong>very private </strong>people or for a <strong>very public</strong> reception (business owners/politicians/etc) or in cases of <strong>religious rules</strong>. I think that it's rude to invite a significant portion of people to the ceremony and not the rest. Having, like 20 wittnesses to a 200+ person wedding- thats pushing it, but ok. Having like 75-100 guests for a 175-200 person wedding is rude.
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    I absolutely agree - I have never understood the desire to only invite half the guests to the ceremony.

    In this case I think OP was doing it to avoid feeding that half.  Which is extra rude and insulting.
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    This OP is an asshole. There is no nice way to be rude. You are just rude.
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