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Giving up control

Last night, FH and I were talking about our wedding budget. Since we began planning, he has been giving me money to put into my account and I have been paying the money out. Well, he had a job this weekend and he has yet to give me the money from it. I was so uneasy about not having the money, because I need to know what is going on. When I asked him about it, he said that we will be fine and that he has everything under control.

I have been on my own for more than 10 years, bought my house 5 years ago and have been in total control of everything that concerns me and mine. It was very enlightening in realizing that I don't have to be in total control anymore and I must learn to trust FH.

Anyone else have to learn this lesson? How did you deal with not being in total control?
And the whole time, my future husband was in the room...... image image
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Re: Giving up control

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    edited August 2010
    I have to say, it's been a HUGE relief with me. Money has always worried me. And not like a normal person I think. I grew up very, very poor so we never had any money. I think that's deeply affected me and I worried about every dime in the bank through college (even though I had wayyy more than enough). Now, it's a blessing to A. have someone to sort of worry with me when things get tough and B. have someone to tell me not to worry when we really are ok. I'd say its one of the top 5 things I love about being married.

    ETA: I don't feel like either one of us has any real 'control'. We put half of our paychecks in our bill account, 1/4 in savings and 1/4 in our personal account. Our personal account is ours to do with as we wish, no questions asked. If we need to dip into savings for something, we discuss it and come to a compromise. But that's only been dipped in to for 'have to haves' like when his truck broke down. Money is just not something for us to argue about, ever.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
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    Totally understand! I too was completely self-sufficient for years, and then I fell in love with an accountant! Need-less to say he had his own way of budgeting and bill paying but after much deliberation I have given up some control! Funny thing is the lights are still on, mortgage paid and wedding deposits are being made! Trust is the key and it looks like you found it!
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    Didn't think about it like that LVB. I guess sharing those concerns are a good thing huh? Thanks!
    And the whole time, my future husband was in the room...... image image
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    I'm with LVB.  It wasn't a struggle.  I'm marrying this man.  I know that he's lived on his own for almost 20 years.  He did a pretty good job of looking after himself. 

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
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    I am a control freak, especially when it comes to money.  I am learning to trust Andy more with the finances, as I should.  He's a smart guy and knows what he's doing.  I freak out about money all the time but I don't even have a good reason.  We never had real troubles growing up, I'm just a neurotic freak. 
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    Our finances are separate so I don't have to worry so much about keeping track of his money. We have the bills divided up and we let each other know if we need help on one, but other than that I have control only over my own. We both have our own businesses while working other jobs, so it would be exhausting having to keep up with his as well as mine.
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    Stackeye210Stackeye210 member
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    edited August 2010
    It took me a long time to finally get past the anxiety of not being in control of the money, but to be honest I love it now!  I don't have to worry about what bills need paid, what needs put into savings, but I do get a say in things we buy for the family and have full access to all of the money.  We BOTH get the same allowance each pay check and whatever's left goes to bills and savings.  It works out so great and our savings has sored compared to when we were trying to do the you pay, then I'll pay and then we split this.  We are 100% combined and it makes a huge difference.

    ETA:  We also agreed VERY early on that if something were to happen between the two of us as a couple that the savings would be split down the middle to the very penny regardless of who felt the contributed what to it. 
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    I will say taht before we got married, H was totally irresponsible with money. So my parents gave me the wedding money and I had control of it. We made a budget and I stuck to it, but he really didn't have any 'control' over that money. However, I never had one concern that he would be irresponsible once we got married. We just don't have the money to be frivolous. We've decided that as we make more and more, more money will go into our personal accounts. But that's totally a percentage of what we make. I just can't see us arguing over this.

    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
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    Yeah... I haven't learned how to give up control yet.  My fiance hasn't either.  We each have separate accounts and don't ask what is going on in each other's accounts as long as the bills each are responsible for are paid.

    We each have different money styles (I'm an uber saver; he's a spender) and merging them is going to be a nightmare.  We realize we have to do it eventually, but with both of us having such strict budgets and different things we like to spend money on, keeping separate accounts has kept us sane.  One day when money isn't so tight, I think it will be easier.

    I understand all to well how you feel, Courtney.  :)
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    I'm also kind of his suga momma for the moment as he's in grad school and hasn't started getting paid yet so I keep track of the bills.  He makes the spreadsheets and budgets and what not though.  I guess it's a team effort.  We both have different strengths and weaknesses so we work together on a lot of stuff.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_giving-up-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fb0591-c386-422c-a4d8-69a147f8d2bePost:da6a4126-ce22-4652-9426-1ae87f1f253b">Re: Giving up control</a>:
    [QUOTE]It took me a long time to finally get past the anxiety of not being in control of the money, but to be honest I love it now!  I don't have to worry about what bills need paid, what needs put into savings, but I do get a say in things we buy for the family and have full access to all of the money.  We BOTH get the same allowance each pay check and whatever's left goes to bills and savings.  It works out so great and our savings has sored compared to when we were trying to do the you pay, then I'll pay and then we split this.  We are 100% combined and it makes a huge difference. ETA:  We also agreed VERY early on that if something were to happen between the two of us as a couple that the savings would be split down the middle to the very penny regardless of who felt the contributed what to it. 
    Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

    Is your allowance based on a percentage or you just get a set amount each paycheck? Eventually H is going to be making probably triple what I make and I don't know how we're going to do it then. Right now, it's fairly even so the 25% works really well.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
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    I haven't given up any "control" yet.  When FI was employed, we kept separate accounts and split things down the middle, I had my own savings and he just had one account that he spent out of, he's not as much of a saver as I am.  When we got engaged and finally got a joint account, he got laid off and so we have a joint account, but I'm the only one who puts money in it.  His unemployment money covers his car, car insurance, etc.  But I have the wedding money in my savings account and make all of the payments.  I show him from time to time, but he trusts me.

    Once he's working again, I'd like to eventually have the set up that LVB has where we put a percentage of our paychecks into savings, a bill account and personal accounts.
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    I don't think that we will ever be totally combined. I think that we will have a household account, and the bills will be paid out of that. I will keep my credit union account and my seperate checking account so that I can pay for my scrapbooking addiction.
    And the whole time, my future husband was in the room...... image image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_giving-up-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fb0591-c386-422c-a4d8-69a147f8d2bePost:ff12558c-a3b2-4e05-bb21-3fbea93e99ee">Re: Giving up control</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Giving up control : Is your allowance based on a percentage or you just get a set amount each paycheck? Eventually H is going to be making probably triple what I make and I don't know how we're going to do it then. Right now, it's fairly even so the 25% works really well.
    Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

    Right now it's a strict dollar amount because we just bought a car in cash and want to build our savings back up.  We're also paying on school loans (for him) and a hand surgery he had where the insurance was an a$$ about and didn't cover ....... apparently severing a tendon in your hand by a piece of dirty broken glass is NOT an emergency and will not be covered (ASSSSSESS)  It makes me mad thinking about it.  So anyhow - I'm not sure if we'd ever do a % though, maybe increase the dollar amount.  He makes more then I do right now but since we combine everything he doesn't try to get a bigger "allowance"

    I hate using the word allowance, it sounds so controlling. 
     
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    Hmmm, I guess the money aspect doesn't apply because I'm the one that manages the money and pays the bills.  My H has to ask me how much money he has in his account and he just trusts me to take care of everything else.  I prefer it that way.  Before we started doing that, he was out of control with his bills, not paying things and super high interest rates on his credit card.  Now we have no credit card debt at all, no car payments, and a savings account with actual money in it. 
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    Our accounts are completely combined and he mostly handles it. We have completely different attitudes towards money, so it's been a little bit bumpy at times. Since we're 100% combined, when I ask him about money or something and he says things like, "we're fine" or something like that, I don't really put up with that. If we both agree to 100% combined accounts, he doesn't get to be all mysterious about it. We plan on separating "allowence" accounts at some point and then he's free to be discreet about that money.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_giving-up-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fb0591-c386-422c-a4d8-69a147f8d2bePost:66427655-3d69-4ec8-af5f-f93840007df1">Re: Giving up control</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Giving up control : Right now it's a strict dollar amount because we just bought a car in cash and want to build our savings back up.  We're also paying on school loans (for him) and a hand surgery he had where the insurance was an a$$ about and didn't cover ....... apparently severing a tendon in your hand by a piece of dirty broken glass is NOT an emergency and will not be covered (ASSSSSESS)  It makes me mad thinking about it.  So anyhow - I'm not sure if we'd ever do a % though, maybe increase the dollar amount.  He makes more then I do right now but since we combine everything he doesn't try to get a bigger "allowance"<strong> I hate using the word allowance, it sounds so controlling.   
    </strong>Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

    I could see that feeling icky if maybe he worked and you didn't and just you got an allowance, but the way I see it right now, this is what we're allowing ourselves to spend.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
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    It's totally the most appropriate word for sure!  It feels good be responsible with money and actually seeing it pay off.  We've just begun a 2 year plan to buy a house.  It'd never be possible if we didn't 100% combine the way we finally did.  It works for us, but I can definitely see how other people work better in different situations.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_giving-up-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fb0591-c386-422c-a4d8-69a147f8d2bePost:45e12bae-0a9b-44e0-aac6-0d9050576c6d">Re: Giving up control</a>:
    [QUOTE]Now we have no credit card debt at all, no car payments, and a savings account with actual money in it. 
    Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

    Sigh, this is my goal.  We've got the no credit card debt and savings account with actual money, but we've both bought new cars in the past two years.  I bought mine just before I had my "financial awakening" where I decided I never want to have a car payment ever again.  So I'm counting down the days until that's gone.
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    I really can't see it working any other way. I guess that's my 'control' coming through. I need to actually see all the money. I have complete online access to everything. So I get to see that this amount goes into savings/bills/our account. I don't think I would like not knowing what H has in his account.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_giving-up-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fb0591-c386-422c-a4d8-69a147f8d2bePost:f5c42752-2c07-47ea-b1f7-8af7d9bc5f0b">Re: Giving up control</a>:
    [QUOTE]I really can't see it working any other way. I guess that's my 'control' coming through. I need to actually see all the money. I have complete online access to everything. So I get to see that this amount goes into savings/bills/our account. I don't think I would like not knowing what H has in his account.
    Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

    I personally think seeing everything makes a HUGE difference........we couldn't get our sh*t together financially until we both got access online to see everything and transfer money around accounts freely online.  I would recommend it that way to everyone if they'd listen. 
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    We are completely combined and it works for us.  We don't really do an allowance system but we just agree that we can spend whatever without discussing it as long as it's under $100.  We also have similar saving/spending styles though so it's not really a point of concern.  Most of our spending is on our dates and what not anyway. 
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    I think it's fascinating to read how other people handle money in a relationship. As with most things when a human being is involved, there is no one answer that works for everyone.

    For those with completely combined households, which we also have, I have one small suggestion: do think about keeping an account in your own name, be it a checking account or a no-balance credit card. In case anything ever happens to your SO or to your relationship, you want to make sure you have your own credit rating. My MIL learned this the hard way when she tried to open an account in her own name after 20 years of everything being in FIL's name.
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    I am more than happy to give Rick control of the money. I'm terrible at saving-I think my personal savings account has $6 in it at the moment, and that's only due to the keep the change feature from Bank of America, while he's great with his money-he bought a laptop in high school w/ the extra change he had in his bedroom! We talk about big purchases, like our cars etc, but we keep a little extra for us to do what we want with.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_giving-up-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fb0591-c386-422c-a4d8-69a147f8d2bePost:417d97ff-5fe0-4720-bf2a-9c34b4b3228b">Re: Giving up control</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think it's fascinating to read how other people handle money in a relationship. As with most things when a human being is involved, there is no one answer that works for everyone. For those with completely combined households, which we also have, I have one small suggestion: do think about keeping an account in your own name, be it a checking account or a no-balance credit card. In case anything ever happens to your SO or to your relationship, you want to make sure you have your own credit rating. My MIL learned this the hard way when she tried to open an account in her own name after 20 years of everything being in FIL's name.
    Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]

    We have separate checking accounts but my name is on his and his name is on mine, so that I can transfer money freely.  He does have a credit card in his own name without  mine that has no balance, and I have a credit card in my own name without his on it.  You make a really good point, I had never thought of it in that way before.
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    I am pretty sure that I will never have access to his account but at the same time, I don't know that I will want him to have total access to mine either.
    And the whole time, my future husband was in the room...... image image
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    Honestly? I moved in with then married a man I trusted - that helped me let go of control. In my first marriage, I had to be in control. Oddly, I let him do all the bills, and he screwed them up - and my credit rating - royally. But I allowed that to happen. Driving somewhere? We took my car, and I drove because I didn't trust him to not fall asleep/go the right way.

    J and I have a household joint account and savings account that pays for all of our common bills, then we each have an account that we use for our separate bills and "mad" money (and gifts, boy weekends, etc).  You just have to put your faith in his ability (and he in yours) to make it work. And then honor that.
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    salt78salt78 member
    First Comment
    edited August 2010
    I didn't realize I was supposed to give up control of anything.

    Things aren't any different now that we're married. We don't have joint accounts and we won't until we have a mortgage. I control my finances and he controls his and we split bills down the middle. 
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    I haven't given up control yet, either.  B and I still have totally seperate accounts.  We still split the check when we go out to eat.  I know it's a little ridiculous sometimes, but I just can't imagine not having my own accounts and keeping track of just my own money.  It's weird.

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    I honestly can't imagine my husband having an account that I can't know about or have access to.  The "oh don't worry about it" just wouldn't fly with me.  Is that a trust issue or control issue?  I don't know.  I just don't see why it should be a secret from each other when you're married.  I think that's how some couples get into trouble  when one is racking up debt or over-spending and the other has no idea and is completely in the dark about what's going on.  I think both parties should have access to the money, even if it's just to look online at account balances at such.
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