Wedding Etiquette Forum

Uninvited guests (this got longer than I'd intended... sorry)

This is one of the things I've been losing sleep over lately, and finally decided to seek out some opinions. The B List post below got me thinking about it.

Most of you might remember the issue I had with FSMIL a few weeks ago, when FI and I found FB messages she was sending to people "personally inviting" them to the wedding and apologizing for not sending a formal invite. All of this, after we had gone over with her several times why we had to keep the guest list at a certain number.

I'm pretty sure I've covered my asss. I asked her to call these people and explain that they can't come (I left it up to her how to explain why). We confirmed with her last week that she did, indeed, make those calls. And I checked with the hotels to be triple sure that nobody reserved a hotel room in our block who wasn't on the list (all was fine there).

I'm still terrified someone's going to show up who never should have been invited in the first place. Is there anything more that I can do? I don't know yet if there will be any open seats at the reception... I'm starting my RSVP-stalking calls tonight. It's likely we'll be able to sqeeze a few extras in, if it happens. 

What's panicking me is that FSMIL invited at least 14 extra people.. several entire families.. (that we know of). And if she lied to me about making those calls... it's going to be really hard to "squeeze" in 14. Or more.

FI wants to give our MOC a list and permission to turn people away, and while I'd love to do that (more out of spite for FSMIL putting me in this pickle), I also know that's not a good option. Thoughts?

Re: Uninvited guests (this got longer than I'd intended... sorry)

  • I think you should have a seating chart and escort cards. If people who aren't on your list show up, they wont have a seat anyway, and they might leave.
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  • Are these people FI knows? Could he call and "personally extend his apologies concerning the confusion", just so you know that these people have definitely been uninvited... Does FMIL know there will only be seats for confirmed guests? Like does she realize you are doing assigned tables and anyone not on the list won't get seated/food. It might help to ensure that she has made those calls...

    I don't know man. You are in a pickle.
  • Ditto sarabear, I would feel pretty stupid if I showed up and couldn't find an escort card with my name on it. I think it makes it pretty clear that you shouldn't be there.
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  • I think it sounds like you've covered your bases pretty well. 

    I would have no problems walking up to someone I didn't invite to our wedding and asking them to leave.  I did it at my sister's wedding when a bunch of people off the street showed up during the dance.  I flat out asked them how they knew the bride and groom?  Blank stares and drunken mumbles... yeah, the door is that way, douche bag.
    panther
  • Are you having escort cards?  If so, can you have somebody (security guard, preferably, but dressed like a guest) stand nearby to help people find theirs?  If they can't, the attendant can get the "master table list" and step outside with the people for better lighting or some excuse, and ask them to remain there until all of the guests have arrived. 

    Do you have a list of these 14 people?  If so, give them that list too.  Then if you have space b/c other guests don't show or whatever, you can have them seated in the empty seats.  If you don't, have him get your MIL and make her explain to their faces while he stands by.

    That's a pretty horrible situation she's put you in.  I'm really sorry. 
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  • We are having assigned tables AND escort cards. So that's what FI was suggesting... we have a Master & Mistress of Ceremonies and we can easily have one of them hang out by the escort cards at the front to see if anyone "can't find their name."

    This is the woman who told me she didn't realize our wedding was an "invitation only" event. Heh.

    We do know who these 14 people are... FI doesn't know them from a hole in the wall. They're his step-mother's family (half cousins and such.. it's a complicated family). We wouldn't know how to get in touch with them ourselves, other than asking FSMIL for their numbers.

    As a total sidenote, FSMIL cheated on her husband (FI's dad) and got pregnant after they had decided not to have any more kids. They divorced, and eventually reconciled and remarried. FFIL even adopted the girl (FHSIL?) She's lucky the family has even accepted her back. And now with this behavior I'm wondering why anyone accepted her at all. Hehe.
  • Ugh. Just Ugh. That is all I can say.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-guests-this-got-longer-id-intended-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83306060-171e-4790-a66e-df401c13850ePost:f2276e4a-f4f9-4327-ae38-92a6fce5969e">Re: Uninvited guests (this got longer than I'd intended... sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Are you having escort cards?  If so, can you have somebody (security guard, preferably, but dressed like a guest) stand nearby to help people find theirs?  If they can't, the attendant can get the "master table list" and step outside with the people for better lighting or some excuse, and ask them to remain there until all of the guests have arrived.  Do you have a list of these 14 people?  If so, give them that list too.  Then if you have space b/c other guests don't show or whatever, you can have them seated in the empty seats.  <strong>If you don't, have him get your MIL and make her explain to their faces while he stands by.</strong> That's a pretty horrible situation she's put you in.  I'm really sorry. 
    Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

    When I learned what she was doing and called her, this is exactly what I told her. She protested and said it would be embarassing when I asked her to uninvite these people, and I asked her "What would be more embarassing? Calling and explaining this to them now? Or having them turned away at the door?" I'm hoping that thought was enough to convince her to make those calls and make it right.
  • I don't think there's anything else you can do. I personally wouldn't turn anyone away but I would have your FSMIL explain to them why they didn't have a setting. I would just make it work if it happens. I'm sorry you're stressing Frown
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  • Just curious, do you really have 73 people to track down still?
    Married 10/2/10
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-guests-this-got-longer-id-intended-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83306060-171e-4790-a66e-df401c13850ePost:8f7fc255-d68e-4a82-9ed5-105285c30ea4">Re: Uninvited guests (this got longer than I'd intended... sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think it sounds like you've covered your bases pretty well.  I would have no problems walking up to someone I didn't invite to our wedding and asking them to leave.  I did it at my sister's wedding when a bunch of people off the street showed up during the dance.  I flat out asked them how they knew the bride and groom?  Blank stares and drunken mumbles... yeah, the door is that way, douche bag.
    Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, but wedding crashers are different.  These people WERE invited...by FSMIL.  So while I would completely feel free to kick out freeloaders, I understand why AK would feel really awkward kicking out people who were told they had an invite, even though she wasn't the one who told them.

    AK, if you've already told your FSMIL that she personally is going to have to tell these people, if and when they show up, that she mistakenly invited them and that they have to leave, then you've covered your bases.  All you can do now is make sure that you and FI follow through on that threat if these people do, in fact, show up.  Let's hope FSMIL was smart and made those calls.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-guests-this-got-longer-id-intended-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83306060-171e-4790-a66e-df401c13850ePost:f86f2eeb-0b12-42f7-b473-542937a73da2">Re: Uninvited guests (this got longer than I'd intended... sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why not?  I'd turn them away. 
    Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

    Yup. YOU didn't invite them, so essentially, they'd be crashing. (They'd be crashing through a misunderstanding, but still. If someone invited me to a wedding without a "formal invitation" - as more thana  plus one - I'd be damn sure to double check with the hosts.) i'd have the escort cards/seating chart up front and someone (MOC) to "help" people find their seats. No card? You or FI can decide what happens.
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  • baystate- That's exactly my conundrum here (ha! I used my favorite word.) Technically these people wouldn't be "crashing" since they were sort of invited. And they're all OOT too... which makes it really tough. I guess I'm just going to have to hope that something I said to her clicked... whether it was the thought of turning them away at the door, or the realization of how much FI and I are spending PER HEAD for this thing and what it would cost us to have the extra guests... hopefully something worked.

    quotequeen- Yes, I have 73 people to track down. Actually after the emails I sent out today, the number is down to 65. The phone calls start tonight.
  • P.S. quotequeen- I'm really hoping my mailbox is full when I get home tonight and don't have to make so many phone calls. I got ZERO response cards yesterday, which was freaky!

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-guests-this-got-longer-id-intended-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83306060-171e-4790-a66e-df401c13850ePost:38b5a319-783f-4b23-b142-e5f5e7380d6f">Re: Uninvited guests (this got longer than I'd intended... sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Uninvited guests (this got longer than I'd intended... sorry) : How far OOT?  Maybe that will work in your favor and they just won't show if FSMIL didn't call to take back her "personal invite."
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    The wedding is in Michigan... the families in question are in Indiana (so, maybe), Kentucky, Tennessee and Mississippi (probably not).
  • That is so rude and ridiculous of her. I'm so sorry that you have to stress about this. I would just make sure that you have people at the door who can inform anyone who "can't find their name" that they are not on the guest list.

    I would put in another call to FSMIL just to reiterate how serious you are. Unless she's planning to PAY for these extra people herself. Was she allowed any input when you created your guest lists? Maybe she's passive aggressively pissed that she didn't have more of a say??

    Any way you slice it - it sucks!
  • akhensley81akhensley81 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments
    edited August 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-guests-this-got-longer-id-intended-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83306060-171e-4790-a66e-df401c13850ePost:5d2a5bfa-4e06-4daf-9bd0-c506f9b5dd2a">Re: Uninvited guests (this got longer than I'd intended... sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]That is so rude and ridiculous of her. I'm so sorry that you have to stress about this. I would just make sure that you have people at the door who can inform anyone who "can't find their name" that they are not on the guest list. I would put in another call to FSMIL just to reiterate how serious you are. Unless she's planning to PAY for these extra people herself. Was she allowed any input when you created your guest lists? Maybe she's passive aggressively pissed that she didn't have more of a say?? Any way you slice it - it sucks!
    Posted by jerseydevil[/QUOTE]

    I'm sitting with with my MOC this weekend to go over all the details. I'll definitely bring this to their attention and make sure they have a final list on-hand. I'm so anal, I actually bought them a leather-bound, zip-up planner which I'm loading with schedules, phone numbers, etc. I'll be sure to put the guest list in there, too. :)

    FSMIL got plenty of input when we got this started. She had 9 months to get me names, and plenty of warning that we were having assigned seating and a specific guest list. Her little "I had no idea it was an invitation-only thing" was her sorry attempt at talking her way out of this. Personally, I think she purposely did this because she was pissed that I wouldn't let her have more guests, and I totally caught her red-handed.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-guests-this-got-longer-id-intended-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83306060-171e-4790-a66e-df401c13850ePost:c760a9af-0f4f-4c96-8d0f-c141ad1667ad">Re: Uninvited guests (this got longer than I'd intended... sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]P.S. quotequeen- I'm really hoping my mailbox is full when I get home tonight and don't have to make so many phone calls. I got ZERO response cards yesterday, which was freaky!
    Posted by akhensley81[/QUOTE]

    Hah, I didn't get any yesterday, and I didn't get any other mail either so I'm worried the mailman might have put my mail in the wrong box!

    Sorry you have so many people to track down.
    Married 10/2/10
  • My brother had this happen and, horrifyingly, had a screaming match with his new MIL at the reception over it.  Yes, my brother is a douche but I also can't believe the nerve of his bride's parents (especially when they refused to pay AND when they refused to realize there wouldn't be enough seats OR food that late in the game - they invited a few days before).  My brother did have to get a good family friend to stand at the door of the reception and check people off.  Sad but true.  But it stopped a lot of the gate crashers.
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